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samadhiSheol

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  2. Like
  3. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, My life as a stage act and failure. I hate myself and everything else too.   
    My life as a stage act and failure.
    I hate myself and everything else too.
  4. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, My life as a stage act and failure. I hate myself and everything else too.   
    My life as a stage act and failure.
    I hate myself and everything else too.
  5. Sad
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but   
    Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but mostly lows over the past months and it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much. I'm still getting out of the house and doing what I can to help others which is always good therapy but not so much here lately. I never really got a sense of reward or a sense of positive feelings from helping others but at least I had something to do with my time. Don't feel too much like writing this but I thought I would let some of you know I'm still alive. Today I stayed home instead of going to the hand of hope ministry and I always regret when I don't go. I found that when it comes to a decision of either/or like a 50-50 decision that I always make the wrong one 50% of the time actually I mean 95% of the time. My vision has got so worse that I really cannot read the print on here unless I really enlarge it and then it still difficult. The prevailing ball on my mind fairly much at all times is how much I want to die and be done with it, life as it is. I don't want this but it stays in my thoughts. I mean I do want to die I guess I just don't want to miss anything if anything was to happen to better my mental status. The neuromuscular disease that I have has gotten worse and I find myself falling often and I'll be damned to be in a wheelchair and I don't know what to do about that. When I walk I'm scared all the time that I'm going to trip and fall. And if I were to break my leg or have to go into a wheelchair I've really screwed up that I don't have anybody that would be willing to take care of me that is helped take care of me because I burn too many bridges. I just tell my therapist what I think she wants to hear because it's just gotten old going in there and knowing that I feel like I'm still just a screwed up in the head as I was when I first started going. I become very close with my pastor and I don't want to let him down so that keeps me from being completely honest with him about how I really feel. Besides all he would want to do is pray for me and so far betting help one bit. Perhaps I need to spend more time here because I feel like I can talk about these things and nobodies going to judge me. It's really an oxymoron, as much as I want to die, I still want to live and that's all hope everyone is well.
  6. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I might be off the grid for a week or so.   
    I might be off the grid for a week or so.
     
  7. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to gandolfication for a status update, Thanks to all. I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in   
    Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
    thx.
  8. Sad
    samadhiSheol reacted to JD4010 for a status update, 1. I've now gone 1 year without drinking. 2. It's also the 2 year anniversary of the   
    1. I've now gone 1 year without drinking.
    2. It's also the 2 year anniversary of the last time I heard from my long-lost GF. I'm tempted to rescind #1.
  9. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, Anger and frustration. So much of both. I wrote elsewhere on df, I squander all my en   
    Anger and frustration. So much of both.
    I wrote elsewhere on df, I squander all my energy. And there is so much energy. 
    I wish the energy I possess would be enough to k I’ll me. 
    I wish I could just fcking k I’ll myself.
     
  10. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Means Of Escape part two.   
    Means Of Escape 
    part two.
  11. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to RiverLight for a status update,   
  12. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to RiverLight for a status update, What a concert!!   
    What a concert!! 


  13. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, "Searching for satori The Kick in the Eye" Bauhaus - Kick in the Eye Jack Kerouac too   
    "Searching for satori
    The Kick in the Eye"
    Bauhaus - Kick in the Eye
    Jack Kerouac too
  14. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, I want to stab myself in the heart with a kitchen knife.   
    I want to stab myself in the heart with a kitchen knife.
  15. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I want to stab myself in the heart with a kitchen knife.   
    I want to stab myself in the heart with a kitchen knife.
  16. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Don't want to ever wake up again. I hope I die in my sleep. I don't want to face my *   
    Don't want to ever wake up again.
    I hope I die in my sleep. 
    I don't want to face my ****ing self in the mirror. 
    I hate myself so much I want to shoot the mother****er in the head.
    Pointless loser. Just k ill yourself aready.
     
  17. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to RiverLight for a status update, Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy holiday wish to all! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️   
    Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy holiday wish to all! 
    ❤️❤️❤️

  18. Thanks
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Is art creation, procreation or just masturbation?   
    Is art creation,  procreation or just masturbation?
     
  19. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, My mind isn't lying. Everything else is. That or the truth is too harsh to bare.   
    My mind isn't lying. Everything else is. 
    That or the truth is too harsh to bare.
  20. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, Today is one of those days when I want to k ill myself more than I usually do. I thin   
    Today is one of those days when I want to k ill myself more than I usually do. I think of doing it nearly every day.
    God I hate myself for my shortcomings.
    I hate myself for the constant failure in being me, whoever that is.
    I hate myself for never being enough. And I haven't, whatever you try to say. My life is proof for all the failures and shortcomings that are this "me". 
    I hate myself because I will never see the light. Is there lighf? No, there isn't. 
    I hate myself because I am me.
    I wish I were never born. 
     
  21. Haha
    samadhiSheol reacted to Floor2017 for a status update, Hey, my friend don't you want to tell us a little more about yourself. Like what plan   
    Hey, my friend don't you want to tell us a little more about yourself.  Like what planet
    you are from and what species you evolved from.   
  22. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to RiverLight for a status update,   
  23. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Elvis, are you out there somewhere Looking like a happy man? In the snow with Rosebud   
    Elvis, are you out there somewhere
    Looking like a happy man?
    In the snow with Rosebud
    And king of the mountain

    The wind, it blows
    The wind, it blows the door closed
     
    Kate Bush -  King of the Mountain
  24. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from MarkintheDark for a status update, R.I.P Aretha Franklin   
    R.I.P
    Aretha Franklin
  25. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, R.I.P Aretha Franklin   
    R.I.P
    Aretha Franklin
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