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samadhiSheol

Platinum Member
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  1. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Chaosandsun for a status update, Seeing new therapist in 10 minutes. Paranoia kicking in. Great. Might get a parkin   
    Seeing new therapist in 10 minutes. Paranoia kicking in. Great. Might get a parking ticket. What will I say to the therapist??
    Oh wait..ANXIETY kicking in too. This will be interesting.
  2. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Chaosandsun for a status update, Seeing new therapist in 10 minutes. Paranoia kicking in. Great. Might get a parkin   
    Seeing new therapist in 10 minutes. Paranoia kicking in. Great. Might get a parking ticket. What will I say to the therapist??
    Oh wait..ANXIETY kicking in too. This will be interesting.
  3. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Teddy545 for a status update, I think I'll just fc uk off. Goodbye.   
    I think I'll just fc uk off. Goodbye.
  4. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello to everyone, that is hello to the two people that are on mine right now and t   
    Hello to everyone, that is hello to the two people that are on mine right now and to those that will get on later. I'm sorry I've not been around much as I have had one physical illness after another. I cannot sleep tonight it's 3:41 AM here and like this guy posted about, I too am not only lost, but also I feel like a completely broken man. I got a new puppy about a month ago and that brought some joy into my life. But being so sick, I guess I have lost it with her a couple times. The other day she once again on my floor and I threw her out and I cursed God, like I do too often and told him to please quit playing games with me, that he sent this dog into my already screwed up world only to on me and I could not care less if she came back or not. Well guess what, she did not come back all day long and I do she was dead somewhere. I absolutely fell apart like never before that I know of and cried so hard I thought my head would explode. I told God how sorry I was and to please let Keegan come back as she was going to be my one and only loving companion after losing my other dog. I told God that I give up and I give it all to you, that I surrender and I just want to die or if it's your will I want to live but nowhere near like I have been living for the past 20 ****ing years. I was so sick with my stomach the pain was worse than ever and I was vomiting all night long, I was and still am as broken as I think I ever have been. At 2:00 AM that night I went into the kitchen for no particular reason and Keegan my puppy was scratching at the back door. She came in shaking with stuff all over her like she'd been stuck somewhere and probably did not know what to think of me as I was crying my eyes out for joy or something. It occurred to me that God had brought her back or at least that's what I thought that night. I guess he did because also when I surrendered all the that's been going on with me I did feel somewhat of a weight lifted. I have been at bottom many times and I am there now and I am just hoping things will get better and I can start climbing back up again somehow. Because if I can't then I have it all planned out, I will end it because it's been long enough and it's been way too hard for me here for the past year. And no I most likely will not do it as I am too much of a coward but at least I have a plan. Sorry to get on here and be so negative I guess but that's what I am tonight and this is where I'm able to let it all out. Thank you I will try to come back on more often... Your friend always Quentin..PS: sorry Lindsay for the image I know I'm not allowed but give me a break please, I'm trying to be more positive even when it doesn't work

  5. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to RiverLight for a status update, Inspirational quote of the day!   
    Inspirational quote of the day!


  6. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Camellia for a status update, I'm coming down with something. I'm ill with something most time nowadays. I can't   
    I'm coming down with something. I'm ill with something most time nowadays. I can't.see it getting better. Like nothing else in my life.
    My self-loathing is at an all time peak. 
    This would be a good time not to wake up tomorrow to this pointless existence anymore. If you are up there god I hope you are listening. Take this scab from the earth.
    Not that I believe in god.
     How I despise myself. 
    For these words. The failure that is me. This constant emptiness and ever-growing detatchment I feel.
    For this FCKING ANGER I constantly feel. 
     
  7. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to RiverLight for a status update, 30 days to happiness! =)   
    30 days to happiness! =)


  8. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to hocico for a status update, Like your new avatar :)   
    Like your new avatar :)
  9. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to Natasha1 for a status update, I wonder if i wil get around to transplanting 50 tomato plants tomorrow? Cannot let   
    I wonder if i wil get around to transplanting 50 tomato plants tomorrow? Cannot let it get out of hand again...the peppers will need it soon.
  10. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from toofast for a status update, I'm out of of place, out of time, out of myself. Everything feels wrong. I   
    I'm out of of place, out of time, out of myself.
    Everything feels wrong.
    I've said this before. This isn't my life I'm living. 
    Somebody, SOMETHING writing this is an imposter.
    The Imposter wants something he could call his own.
    Authenticity.
    Or he wants death.
    Perhaps they aren't mutually exlusive.
  11. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from PossiblyConflicted for a status update, Saying people are like beasts to one another is an insult to animal kingdom. T   
    Saying people are like beasts to one another is an insult to animal kingdom.
    The one defining characteristic differenting humans from animals is not our sense of compassion.
    Animals don't hold a grudge. Thst's all there is to it.
    We hate. We are callous. We want to HURT for the smallest of reasons. Oh yes and we hold grudges.
    I hate myself because I belong to this dysfunctional species we call humanity. Actually that's only one of the reasons but I digress.
    A year and a day ago. I had enough courage to sign up on df. I thought it would help me deal with what the f... is wrong with me. I've always felt estranged and detached from people irl but it's the same on df too. Any online forum/social media/whatever too.  
    Well, df hasn't helped. It took me a while to open up on df and now I feel I shouldn't have at all. There doesnt seem to be much point. I feel vulnerable in all the bad ways and it has done nothing at all to alleviate my tendancies for paranoia, self-hate, moodswings, mindless rages..the list is endless.
    I'm a pessimist, ladies and gentlemen. After years of fruitless efforts to better myself and my situation I don't see anything getting any better for me or the rest of the world. I don't know who I am, neither will ever know. I hate. Myself and the world. I hate, therfore I am human. hahaha.
    I'm thinking of leaving df for good. and hoping I have the courage to do what I should have done a long time ago.
    Or "hoping" for a miracle. Because nothing short of a miracle will save me or this sad world we live in.
     
  12. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from gandolfication for a status update, My life is a waste of time. Why can't I give this life to someone who actually want   
    My life is a waste of time. Why can't I give this life to someone who actually wants to live? 
  13. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JohnDamascene for a status update, Ministry Isle of man   Nice place Clean water Fresh air Blue skies   
    Ministry
    Isle of man
     
    Nice place
    Clean water
    Fresh air
    Blue skies
    Like pirates
    We tried it
    We took what we deserved
    Half million
    Years later
    We'd used up
    Our reserves
    We're crying
    'what happened?'
    We get what we deserve
    We get what we deserve
    We get instead the isle of man
    The isle of man

    I've wandered
    Through forests
    With our garbage
    Waist-high
    Can't clean it
    I mean it
    We get what we deserve
    Grey mornings
    Grey evenings
    It's growing
    On my nerves
    Just gases
    You fascists
    You get what you deserve
    You get what you deserve
    You get instead the isle of man
    The isle of man

    I'm writing
    This letter
    So no one
    Will forget
    Some future
    Cave dweller
    Will find these notes an isle of man
    The isle of man
  14. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JohnDamascene for a status update, Ministry Isle of man   Nice place Clean water Fresh air Blue skies   
    Ministry
    Isle of man
     
    Nice place
    Clean water
    Fresh air
    Blue skies
    Like pirates
    We tried it
    We took what we deserved
    Half million
    Years later
    We'd used up
    Our reserves
    We're crying
    'what happened?'
    We get what we deserve
    We get what we deserve
    We get instead the isle of man
    The isle of man

    I've wandered
    Through forests
    With our garbage
    Waist-high
    Can't clean it
    I mean it
    We get what we deserve
    Grey mornings
    Grey evenings
    It's growing
    On my nerves
    Just gases
    You fascists
    You get what you deserve
    You get what you deserve
    You get instead the isle of man
    The isle of man

    I'm writing
    This letter
    So no one
    Will forget
    Some future
    Cave dweller
    Will find these notes an isle of man
    The isle of man
  15. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello all my good friends, my current status is mild to moderate depression with a   
    Hello all my good friends, my current status is mild to moderate depression with a 35% chance of panic attacks as well as severe depersonalization and altered ego states of mind...But seriously, I am doing well as I can, I just can't stay online right now because we are having some very bad storms and I don't want my PC to get fried again. I do have a "Quentin" moment I will share real fast. My neighbor that made me supper that night. I made her family my famous banana pudding. So i went to meet Matt, her boyfriend, about halfway to give it to him, they do have some bad dogs. I barely made it out of my yard, with hands full of pudding, and my leg just snapped/cracked, I thought I had broke my leg but it did not hurt. I held onto a tree and yelled to Matt to come get the pudding, that something was wrong with my leg. He offered to help ma back to my house but I limped my way back, with a big ? as to what happened. Yall know that I have the CMT and have been wearing AFO braces since 12 or 13 and they would break many times back then because I was so active and hard on them.  But sure enough that is what happened the other night, my left one broke all the way in half. Of course I have had this pair for about 10 years, so I was not to surprised. Thank God, I had another pair in my closet that I have never used. So that's my story and I'm sticking to it, what a day that was. I am getting off line now and unplugging my PC. I will be back on the forum before yall know it...Be Good to Yourselves...your friend Quentin...PS: I will read all my new messages when the weather clears and I get back online...
  16. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Mikayla for a status update, After a two and a half year hiatus, I've decided to give martial arts another go.   
    After a two and a half year hiatus, I've decided to give martial arts another go.
    Before quitting due to being disillusioned and suffering from tendon issues, I had practiced jujutsu for nine years. Something tells me I need to  get back on track. If not jujutsu then on SOMETHING. 
    I might as well start there.
  17. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to Natasha1 for a status update, well friends...here i am with a new diagnosis. Explains so much. and this new   
    well friends...here i am with a new diagnosis. Explains so much.
    and this new pdoc is so great.
  18. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from hocico for a status update, How I feel most times.   Japan Ghosts   "When the room is quie   
    How I feel most times.
     
    Japan
    Ghosts
     
    "When the room is quiet
    The daylight almost gone 
    It seems there's something I should know 
    Well I ought to leave but the rain it never stops 
    And I've no particular place to go 

    Just when I think I'm winning 
    When I've broken every door 
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before 
    Just when I thought I could not be stopped 
    When my chance came to be king 
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind 

    Well I'm feeling nervous 
    Now I find myself alone 
    The simple life's no longer there 
    Once I was so sure 
    Now the doubt inside my mind 
    Comes and goes but leads nowhere 

    Just when I think I'm winning 
    When I've broken every door 
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before 
    Just when I thought I could not be stopped 
    When my chance came to be king 
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind"
  19. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from hocico for a status update, How I feel most times.   Japan Ghosts   "When the room is quie   
    How I feel most times.
     
    Japan
    Ghosts
     
    "When the room is quiet
    The daylight almost gone 
    It seems there's something I should know 
    Well I ought to leave but the rain it never stops 
    And I've no particular place to go 

    Just when I think I'm winning 
    When I've broken every door 
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before 
    Just when I thought I could not be stopped 
    When my chance came to be king 
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind 

    Well I'm feeling nervous 
    Now I find myself alone 
    The simple life's no longer there 
    Once I was so sure 
    Now the doubt inside my mind 
    Comes and goes but leads nowhere 

    Just when I think I'm winning 
    When I've broken every door 
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before 
    Just when I thought I could not be stopped 
    When my chance came to be king 
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind"
  20. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from hocico for a status update, How I feel most times.   Japan Ghosts   "When the room is quie   
    How I feel most times.
     
    Japan
    Ghosts
     
    "When the room is quiet
    The daylight almost gone 
    It seems there's something I should know 
    Well I ought to leave but the rain it never stops 
    And I've no particular place to go 

    Just when I think I'm winning 
    When I've broken every door 
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before 
    Just when I thought I could not be stopped 
    When my chance came to be king 
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind 

    Well I'm feeling nervous 
    Now I find myself alone 
    The simple life's no longer there 
    Once I was so sure 
    Now the doubt inside my mind 
    Comes and goes but leads nowhere 

    Just when I think I'm winning 
    When I've broken every door 
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before 
    Just when I thought I could not be stopped 
    When my chance came to be king 
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind"
  21. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, I wanted to give a status update as well. This is what a FB friend of mine, which I   
    I wanted to give a status update as well. This is what a FB friend of mine, which I know, but have not gotten to really know yet, she lives here in Cordele as well...She posted this yesterday...(My door is always open, the coffee pan is always on and my sofa is always warm and a place of peace and non-judgement. Any of my family and friends who need to chat are welcome anytime . It's no good suffering in silence. I have cold drinks and food in the fridge...tea & coffee in the cupboard and I will always be here. ...You are never not welcome!!
    Blue Monday is a name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) reported to be the most depressing day of the year and January the worst month for suicides, it's always good to talk but even better to listen. This hits closer to home than we think. I'll always lend an ear and a shoulder.......and my heart.)
    What is so sad about this, is that i live right next door to her and her family, about a 50 foot walk, and although she has invited me to come over many times, I am ashamed that I have not done so. They do have parties on the weekend, where there is drinking, and I have told her that I can not be around that. But she still asks me to come over during the week if I want to, she is a very good person and great mother to her two kids. I can go be around 40 or 50 fellow recovering addicts, but I have not been able to bring myself to walk next door where I know I am very welcome. This post of hers has made me realize that I have to try harder to go visit her. I don't have to be here all the time, wallowing in my own self-pity, I have a neighbor willing to listen and talk to me...what do you guys think about this?...your friend Quentin...
     

  22. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello all my good friends, I hope and pray that all are well today. I am posting th   
    Hello all my good friends, I hope and pray that all are well today. I am posting this on my profile status as well as The Depression Central. First I would like to say that I am so grateful for all of you that were so concerned for and prayed for me during my ongoing stomach illness, I can not express that enough. I only confided in two people about the fact that there was a good chance that I had stomach cancer, I did not want anyone to worry unnecessarily until I knew for sure. I am sorry to the two people I told, I hope yall did not worry a lot. Anyway I just now got off of the phone with the doctor and he said there is no cancer. They found the bacteria H Pylori, and I will be on antibiotics for two weeks. I still have a severe pyloric ulcer, but the antibiotics hopefully will **** the bacteria and therefore help to heal the ulcer. And who knows, maybe if I start getting better with my health, then maybe the severe depression I have had for the last couple of months will get better.
    I know that here on the forum, I can be honest about everything that I am or have been feeling. I will have to admit that I, in a way, almost hoped it was cancer and terminal and that way I could "escape" from this reality through natural means. I was very wrong to think in that sort of way and I hope yall don't hold it against me. I see, on a day by day basis, people/children going through a lot of difficult things and it does, in a way, cause me to be somewhat thankful, so I am sorry that I was ever thinking those thoughts. I have to pay bills right now but I will try to get back on the forum later. Again THANKS a Plenty for all of you here...your friend Quentin...Be Good to Yourselves...

  23. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from hocico for a status update, INVICTUS William Ernest Henley   Out of the night that covers me,       
    INVICTUS
    William Ernest Henley
     
    Out of the night that covers me,
          Black as the pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
          For my unconquerable soul.
    In the fell clutch of circumstance
          I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
          My head is ******, but unbowed.
    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
          Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
          Finds and shall find me unafraid.
    It matters not how strait the gate,
          How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate,
          I am the captain of my soul.
     
    I wish I had this spirit, instead of the crushed, mutilated shadow that is me.
  24. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from hocico for a status update, INVICTUS William Ernest Henley   Out of the night that covers me,       
    INVICTUS
    William Ernest Henley
     
    Out of the night that covers me,
          Black as the pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
          For my unconquerable soul.
    In the fell clutch of circumstance
          I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
          My head is ******, but unbowed.
    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
          Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
          Finds and shall find me unafraid.
    It matters not how strait the gate,
          How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate,
          I am the captain of my soul.
     
    I wish I had this spirit, instead of the crushed, mutilated shadow that is me.
  25. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, I just had to get back on here and talk about this. It is now 7:47pm here in Georgi   
    I just had to get back on here and talk about this. It is now 7:47pm here in Georgia and I just now made a call that has now made me not only more depressed, but very angry as well. Most of you know that I am a recovering drug addict and I attend NA support meetings. I got myself a sponsor over a year ago, (Kevin). If you don't know, a sponsor is someone that is a mentor and someone you are accountable to. We have grown to be great friends and I talk to him about everything, he is a very caring and supportive friend. He has had issues with his throat, so I called him to see what the doctor said about his test. Kevin has been off of drugs for 10 years and even quit smoking a year ago and it makes me so angry but he found out he has throat cancer. He has to get 62 radiation treatments, which will put him out of work and he has no insurance, the doctor said he has an 80% chance of being cured. It's very helpful that he has such a great attitude, something I only wish I had. It's so freaking unfair to him because he has done so much for others, helping them get off of drugs, he does not deserve this at all. Also I might be selfish to say this, but I am so tired of losing people that I love. So I really just needed to vent about this, I will enter 2017 with a not so great mood...Be Good to Yourselves...