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samadhiSheol

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  1. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from jkd_sd for a status update, Sorry folks. I have had it. I am leaving DF. Hope you have better luck than I have. I   
    Sorry folks. I have had it. I am leaving DF. 
    Hope you have better luck than I have. I need to feel better somehow. A lot better. And DF can't help me. Perhaps nothing can.
     
  2. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Sorry folks. I have had it. I am leaving DF. Hope you have better luck than I have. I   
    Sorry folks. I have had it. I am leaving DF. 
    Hope you have better luck than I have. I need to feel better somehow. A lot better. And DF can't help me. Perhaps nothing can.
     
  3. Sad
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, It's January 2, 2021 and I'm trying to figure out how to end this life once and for a   
    It's January 2, 2021 and I'm trying to figure out how to end this life once and for all. I wish I owned a gun because that seems pain-free and quick. I think the worst feeling a person can have on top of the depression and hopelessness is to be convinced that God has forsaken you and doesn't want a damn thing to do with you no matter how hard you try to please him and do good things. All of my life I have tried to be good to my fellow man. Over the past four years, even though losing my vision and cannot drive, I found a way to get rides to a place where I volunteer at a local ministry and I also became involved in my church but I do have a drug problem in that I am addicted to meds that were given to me to treat my disability. I've been going to therapy constantly for the past four years and staying on so many antidepressants but they always seem to stop working at some point. I have overcame so many things in my life but I just can't seem to overcome this depression and hopelessness and pill popping to self medicate. I know you're not supposed to but I have really grown to hate God for always seeming to use me in many different ways but never given me any sort of approval and I'm just done. I'll figure out the right way to do it but there is no doubt I have to do it because I refuse to live another new year the way I have lived the past 10 to 20 new years. I guess if anyone reading this could somehow put a little hope back in me where now there is non-then by all means.
  4. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, There is no limit to self hate and anger. Neither is there any reason to think differ   
    There is no limit to self hate and anger. Neither is there any reason to think differently about myself. The self hate will grow as long as I live. It is all I truly feel.
    Hatred and anger. I am damaged goods and completely corrupted.
    I should be dead. I want to be dead.
  5. Thanks
    samadhiSheol reacted to Lindsay for a status update, Thank you.   
    Thank you.
  6. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Hunters and collectors all come out at night Hunters and collectors never see the lig   
    Hunters and collectors all come out at night
    Hunters and collectors never see the light
    Hunters and collectors all come out at night
    Hunters and collectors they'll never see the light
     
    Can - Hunters and Collectors
  7. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I hate myself, I hate humanity. The sooner humanity is extinct the better the cosmos   
    I hate myself, I hate humanity. The sooner humanity is extinct the better the cosmos will be. I think we have probably f ucked the world beyond saving too.
    Nothing any of us do makes a f ucking difference. All we are capable of is uncontrollable breeding, causing calamities and problems. We never solve anything. Thank god(figure of speech, doesn't exist) I don't have kids to f uck up even more 
    F uck us. F uck me. Especially me. 
     
     
  8. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Life doesn't get better only worse. Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????   
    Life doesn't get better only worse. 
    Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????
  9. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I am so in-TENSE past tense Now I feel Inertia Creeping movingbup slowly Feeling sad   
    I am so in-TENSE
    past tense
    Now I feel 
    Inertia Creeping movingbup slowly
    Feeling sad angry and high all the same time
    But now..I feel the high turning to the worse still high make no mistake but the bile
    I taste it now, I feel it
    Tiger tiger burning bright
    But it gets so dark
    eternity in a grain of sand 
    Why were you so perceptive william blake
    F ucking Jerusalem
    shalom salaam allah akbar 
    Kabbalah sheol gehanna hosianna
    Going down down
    Sinking going down 
    The pit and the pendulum
    Finnegans f uckin wake.
    Wheres the guiness when I need it
    Men fan också
    **** my mind up
    Ineed to be dead NOW
     
     
     
  10. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, The crap in life outweighs any little “good” there is. Every time. Life isn’t worth l   
    The crap in life outweighs any little “good” there is. Every time.
    Life isn’t worth living and there really is no hope.
    Too bad I can’t just end my life. 
     
    I am too much of coward.
    I hate myself. I hate humanity. Nothing will ever change that. 
     
     
  11. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Well it's 8:00 AM here in South Georgia and I'm getting ready to go see my psychiatri   
    Well it's 8:00 AM here in South Georgia and I'm getting ready to go see my psychiatrist. They put me on a new mood stabilizer, I forget the name, but I'm not so sure it's agreeing with me. All I know is I've been in a hell of a depression for over a month now and thinking about the changes I know I need to make in my life. Since 1995 I've been in various inpatient treatment programs for the depression and drug use as I do self medicate. It just doesn't work anymore, the self-medicating with pain pills an Adderall, in fact I would have to say it just makes the depression worse and even though I use them as prescribed, I use them for all the wrong reasons. It's going to take a great deal of faith to go back into may be a 30 day stay in a treatment center as I have done that so many times before. But all I know is at 51 years old I don't know how long I have left in this world but I just want to get rid of the past and try to make the best of what I have left. That means letting go of everything over to my higher power and somehow ignoring this awful ego that gets me in trouble all the time. I'm going to finish out October and go into my last day at a rehab, as I will never do it again so this has to count. I'm just tired, so tired, of just existing and daily thinking about how to **** myself and end it all. This is no way to live for anybody. So wish me luck and I would appreciate prayers from my fellow believers...
  12. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to gandolfication for a status update, Spoiled milk dead fish rotten egg toothpaste barf can dog food booger stinky socks st   
    Spoiled milk dead fish rotten egg toothpaste barf can dog food booger stinky socks stink bug and dirty dishwasher.
    These evidently were the flavors I ate last night, late, After finishing a legal brief.
    the first couple that I ate were regular sweet flavors so I thought ah, these are the good ones.  Nope.
    I woke up this morning still feeling queasy and had to eat an apple to stabilize my nausea stomach.
    It's not helpful that Laurel just told me that technically I ate some of the real thing because they make these by sucking the air out of these real things and putting it into the jelly bean flavor.
    Emmmm.
     
  13. Thanks
    samadhiSheol reacted to Lindsay for a status update, Talk to us....We care!   
    Talk to us....We care!

  14. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I don’t know..peer support doesn’t seem to help me at all. I just end up feeling wors   
    I don’t know..peer support doesn’t seem to help me at all. I just end up feeling worse. 
    I should just quit. 
    Everything.
    Check out  of life for good.
  15. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I find it impossible to be ..happy for want for a better word. Satisfaction. Accompli   
    I find it impossible to be ..happy for want for a better word. Satisfaction. Accomplishment. Meaning.
    Yada yada. You have all heard this before. I am the proverbial broken record.
    Because I feel EMPTY, VOID the whole time, whenever I do something, anything or not.
    Camus or someone else of the existentialist persuasion wrote something to the extent:
    Living a life not ending up k Illing yourself is a meaning of life enough. My wording, but the gist of the original is there. Not entirely sure what it means to be honest. In my case, I put it down to cowardice.
    Nothing I do leads anywhere. It’s as if everything I do is a substitution or play- acting for the real thing, life, whatever it is.
    I realized a while back how stuck I was in my life. My job. ME. I am stuck being someone I don’t recognize AT ALL. And the true tragedy is I have been like this my whole adult life.
    This isn’t what I want from life. Yet I haven’t a clue(I have always been lost) as to who I want to be and what I want.
    I have said this a million times before: I feel dead inside. At the very least an imposter, a fake person.
    Nothing gives me true pleasure. Neither  have I ever felt I have achieved anything. 
    I hate my job. A lot of the crap stems from this. All my jobs have been the same in essence though. Entry level. Menial. Low pay. Dead end. 
    I don’t know what to do any more. I am scared of the future. Old age terrifies me. I don’t want to live to be 70 or 75, living on a pittance(that is pretty much certain as I have no savings), just getting more sick. 
    I will be dead long before that. I will find the courage to end this .. excuse of a life.
    Fcku this sh it. 
     
  16. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Mood is a funny thing. Right now I feel pretty good. I am back to martial arts with v   
    Mood is a funny thing.
    Right now I feel pretty good. I am back to martial arts with vengence.
    I need to do more. Keeps my mind off s hit. 
    Post-training pint of  stout in front of me, life could be a great deal worse.
  17. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I did something today I have been putting off for ever, for no good reason at all as   
    I did something today I have been putting off for ever, for no good reason at all as it used to be something I liked doing before 
    I am also paranoid, so I am not saying what it is..
    But I feel good right now. 
  18. Confused
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too.   
    Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too. Elated in fact. 
    So much energy, so much procrastination to be done. Ha ha!
    I am everyfcukingwhere at once. 
    EVERYTHERE
  19. Confused
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from gandolfication for a status update, Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too.   
    Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too. Elated in fact. 
    So much energy, so much procrastination to be done. Ha ha!
    I am everyfcukingwhere at once. 
    EVERYTHERE
  20. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet. I hate myself more t   
    I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.
    I hate myself more than ever.
  21. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet. I hate myself more t   
    I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.
    I hate myself more than ever.
  22. Thanks
  23. Like
  24. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, My life as a stage act and failure. I hate myself and everything else too.   
    My life as a stage act and failure.
    I hate myself and everything else too.
  25. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, My life as a stage act and failure. I hate myself and everything else too.   
    My life as a stage act and failure.
    I hate myself and everything else too.
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