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samadhiSheol

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  1. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I hate myself, I hate humanity. The sooner humanity is extinct the better the cosmos   
    I hate myself, I hate humanity. The sooner humanity is extinct the better the cosmos will be. I think we have probably f ucked the world beyond saving too.
    Nothing any of us do makes a f ucking difference. All we are capable of is uncontrollable breeding, causing calamities and problems. We never solve anything. Thank god(figure of speech, doesn't exist) I don't have kids to f uck up even more 
    F uck us. F uck me. Especially me. 
     
     
  2. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Life doesn't get better only worse. Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????   
    Life doesn't get better only worse. 
    Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????
  3. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I am so in-TENSE past tense Now I feel Inertia Creeping movingbup slowly Feeling sad   
    I am so in-TENSE
    past tense
    Now I feel 
    Inertia Creeping movingbup slowly
    Feeling sad angry and high all the same time
    But now..I feel the high turning to the worse still high make no mistake but the bile
    I taste it now, I feel it
    Tiger tiger burning bright
    But it gets so dark
    eternity in a grain of sand 
    Why were you so perceptive william blake
    F ucking Jerusalem
    shalom salaam allah akbar 
    Kabbalah sheol gehanna hosianna
    Going down down
    Sinking going down 
    The pit and the pendulum
    Finnegans f uckin wake.
    Wheres the guiness when I need it
    Men fan också
    **** my mind up
    Ineed to be dead NOW
     
     
     
  4. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, The crap in life outweighs any little “good” there is. Every time. Life isn’t worth l   
    The crap in life outweighs any little “good” there is. Every time.
    Life isn’t worth living and there really is no hope.
    Too bad I can’t just end my life. 
     
    I am too much of coward.
    I hate myself. I hate humanity. Nothing will ever change that. 
     
     
  5. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Well it's 8:00 AM here in South Georgia and I'm getting ready to go see my psychiatri   
    Well it's 8:00 AM here in South Georgia and I'm getting ready to go see my psychiatrist. They put me on a new mood stabilizer, I forget the name, but I'm not so sure it's agreeing with me. All I know is I've been in a hell of a depression for over a month now and thinking about the changes I know I need to make in my life. Since 1995 I've been in various inpatient treatment programs for the depression and drug use as I do self medicate. It just doesn't work anymore, the self-medicating with pain pills an Adderall, in fact I would have to say it just makes the depression worse and even though I use them as prescribed, I use them for all the wrong reasons. It's going to take a great deal of faith to go back into may be a 30 day stay in a treatment center as I have done that so many times before. But all I know is at 51 years old I don't know how long I have left in this world but I just want to get rid of the past and try to make the best of what I have left. That means letting go of everything over to my higher power and somehow ignoring this awful ego that gets me in trouble all the time. I'm going to finish out October and go into my last day at a rehab, as I will never do it again so this has to count. I'm just tired, so tired, of just existing and daily thinking about how to **** myself and end it all. This is no way to live for anybody. So wish me luck and I would appreciate prayers from my fellow believers...
  6. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to gandolfication for a status update, Spoiled milk dead fish rotten egg toothpaste barf can dog food booger stinky socks st   
    Spoiled milk dead fish rotten egg toothpaste barf can dog food booger stinky socks stink bug and dirty dishwasher.
    These evidently were the flavors I ate last night, late, After finishing a legal brief.
    the first couple that I ate were regular sweet flavors so I thought ah, these are the good ones.  Nope.
    I woke up this morning still feeling queasy and had to eat an apple to stabilize my nausea stomach.
    It's not helpful that Laurel just told me that technically I ate some of the real thing because they make these by sucking the air out of these real things and putting it into the jelly bean flavor.
    Emmmm.
     
  7. Thanks
    samadhiSheol reacted to Lindsay for a status update, Talk to us....We care!   
    Talk to us....We care!

  8. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I don’t know..peer support doesn’t seem to help me at all. I just end up feeling wors   
    I don’t know..peer support doesn’t seem to help me at all. I just end up feeling worse. 
    I should just quit. 
    Everything.
    Check out  of life for good.
  9. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I find it impossible to be ..happy for want for a better word. Satisfaction. Accompli   
    I find it impossible to be ..happy for want for a better word. Satisfaction. Accomplishment. Meaning.
    Yada yada. You have all heard this before. I am the proverbial broken record.
    Because I feel EMPTY, VOID the whole time, whenever I do something, anything or not.
    Camus or someone else of the existentialist persuasion wrote something to the extent:
    Living a life not ending up k Illing yourself is a meaning of life enough. My wording, but the gist of the original is there. Not entirely sure what it means to be honest. In my case, I put it down to cowardice.
    Nothing I do leads anywhere. It’s as if everything I do is a substitution or play- acting for the real thing, life, whatever it is.
    I realized a while back how stuck I was in my life. My job. ME. I am stuck being someone I don’t recognize AT ALL. And the true tragedy is I have been like this my whole adult life.
    This isn’t what I want from life. Yet I haven’t a clue(I have always been lost) as to who I want to be and what I want.
    I have said this a million times before: I feel dead inside. At the very least an imposter, a fake person.
    Nothing gives me true pleasure. Neither  have I ever felt I have achieved anything. 
    I hate my job. A lot of the crap stems from this. All my jobs have been the same in essence though. Entry level. Menial. Low pay. Dead end. 
    I don’t know what to do any more. I am scared of the future. Old age terrifies me. I don’t want to live to be 70 or 75, living on a pittance(that is pretty much certain as I have no savings), just getting more sick. 
    I will be dead long before that. I will find the courage to end this .. excuse of a life.
    Fcku this sh it. 
     
  10. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Mood is a funny thing. Right now I feel pretty good. I am back to martial arts with v   
    Mood is a funny thing.
    Right now I feel pretty good. I am back to martial arts with vengence.
    I need to do more. Keeps my mind off s hit. 
    Post-training pint of  stout in front of me, life could be a great deal worse.
  11. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I did something today I have been putting off for ever, for no good reason at all as   
    I did something today I have been putting off for ever, for no good reason at all as it used to be something I liked doing before 
    I am also paranoid, so I am not saying what it is..
    But I feel good right now. 
  12. Confused
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too.   
    Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too. Elated in fact. 
    So much energy, so much procrastination to be done. Ha ha!
    I am everyfcukingwhere at once. 
    EVERYTHERE
  13. Confused
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from gandolfication for a status update, Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too.   
    Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too. Elated in fact. 
    So much energy, so much procrastination to be done. Ha ha!
    I am everyfcukingwhere at once. 
    EVERYTHERE
  14. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet. I hate myself more t   
    I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.
    I hate myself more than ever.
  15. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet. I hate myself more t   
    I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.
    I hate myself more than ever.
  16. Thanks
  17. Like
  18. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, My life as a stage act and failure. I hate myself and everything else too.   
    My life as a stage act and failure.
    I hate myself and everything else too.
  19. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, My life as a stage act and failure. I hate myself and everything else too.   
    My life as a stage act and failure.
    I hate myself and everything else too.
  20. Sad
    samadhiSheol reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but   
    Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but mostly lows over the past months and it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much. I'm still getting out of the house and doing what I can to help others which is always good therapy but not so much here lately. I never really got a sense of reward or a sense of positive feelings from helping others but at least I had something to do with my time. Don't feel too much like writing this but I thought I would let some of you know I'm still alive. Today I stayed home instead of going to the hand of hope ministry and I always regret when I don't go. I found that when it comes to a decision of either/or like a 50-50 decision that I always make the wrong one 50% of the time actually I mean 95% of the time. My vision has got so worse that I really cannot read the print on here unless I really enlarge it and then it still difficult. The prevailing ball on my mind fairly much at all times is how much I want to die and be done with it, life as it is. I don't want this but it stays in my thoughts. I mean I do want to die I guess I just don't want to miss anything if anything was to happen to better my mental status. The neuromuscular disease that I have has gotten worse and I find myself falling often and I'll be damned to be in a wheelchair and I don't know what to do about that. When I walk I'm scared all the time that I'm going to trip and fall. And if I were to break my leg or have to go into a wheelchair I've really screwed up that I don't have anybody that would be willing to take care of me that is helped take care of me because I burn too many bridges. I just tell my therapist what I think she wants to hear because it's just gotten old going in there and knowing that I feel like I'm still just a screwed up in the head as I was when I first started going. I become very close with my pastor and I don't want to let him down so that keeps me from being completely honest with him about how I really feel. Besides all he would want to do is pray for me and so far betting help one bit. Perhaps I need to spend more time here because I feel like I can talk about these things and nobodies going to judge me. It's really an oxymoron, as much as I want to die, I still want to live and that's all hope everyone is well.
  21. Like
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, I might be off the grid for a week or so.   
    I might be off the grid for a week or so.
     
  22. Like
    samadhiSheol reacted to gandolfication for a status update, Thanks to all. I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in   
    Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
    thx.
  23. Sad
    samadhiSheol reacted to JD4010 for a status update, 1. I've now gone 1 year without drinking. 2. It's also the 2 year anniversary of the   
    1. I've now gone 1 year without drinking.
    2. It's also the 2 year anniversary of the last time I heard from my long-lost GF. I'm tempted to rescind #1.
  24. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, Anger and frustration. So much of both. I wrote elsewhere on df, I squander all my en   
    Anger and frustration. So much of both.
    I wrote elsewhere on df, I squander all my energy. And there is so much energy. 
    I wish the energy I possess would be enough to k I’ll me. 
    I wish I could just fcking k I’ll myself.
     
  25. Sad
    samadhiSheol got a reaction from JD4010 for a status update, Means Of Escape part two.   
    Means Of Escape 
    part two.
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