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Everything posted by samadhiSheol

  1. Just finished watching Star Trek DS9. Again. Well, I am a closet trekkie so what did you expect? Kind of made me sad to see the end (again), but this struck a chord and made me laugh: Ezri: "Have you talked to your councellor about your annhilation fantasies?" When they were talking about Bashir's new holodeck program of "the battle of Thermopyle"(the defending Spartans get annhilated by the the attacking Persian force). I sort of recognized myself there. Haha.
  2. We should be allowed to use two smilies cos your On edit made me laugh!
  3. I am glad you are bad ass. I am glad you won’t budge. Good for you sober.
  4. Just a few hours ago I heard that someone I know just found out she has cancer. Suddenly my words sound and feel hollow and meaningless. She definitely deserves and wants to live. I am crushed by the sheer injustice and irony of the universe. That is if there is anything of the sort in the universe. Oh well..
  5. samadhiSheol


    .. Is the mythical journey to and through the underworld. That is where I am now. Years back I voluntarily decided to make the journey and in true Dantean form, meet my Dead. It was out of necessity as my life didn't make any sense. It still doesn't, but now I am in sheol/gehanna/Hades/hell and I don't suppose it's suppose to until I have made my peace with my Dead. And retain what I have misplaced. Churchill once said(might be apocryphal) : "If you are going through hell, keep going" And I suppose that makes sense. Because in all the "katabasis" myths(katabasis literally means "going down") there is the imminent danger of being trapped there for all eternity, if one enters before one's time. Sometimes I think it's my destiny to be there. Sometimes, like now, I see myself, like Dante's Virgil, in one of the outer circles of hell. Or like Orpheus, to bring back his wife Eurypides. A part of me has ended up there a long time ago, and I have to get the missing bit back. Only then can I make the Ascend, the anabasis. Right now though, it would seen I am destined to stay there.
  6. I am finding it harder to control my moods. I am constantly irritated and I go overboard at even the smallest setbacks. I am angry and anxious all the time I have all the hallmarks of burnout (and I have been there before). All the options available to me are even more of a downward spiral. At my age thee is nothing to look forward to. Fck I hate life and more to the point, myself.
  7. Nothing you said, mate. I have been over the proverbial cliff for a quite a while. I am fed up. I am tired with life. If this is as good as it gets I want no part in it. For me life is about book-keeping. My life isn't worth the effort anymore. Resistence is futile. The state of the world isn't helping either, but really it's about me hating myself and not seeing any reason to go on. Some people are just not meant to live. They are the ones who end therir lives. The sooner I am gone the better.
  8. You guys have answered the question thst has haunted me forever. What is the point in anything when it's not just me thst is fcuked up, chronically angry and hopeless? Oh yes. There is no point and I don't want to see any more of this sad fcuked up travesty of a world(humanity). I see no hope anywhere for anyone. Least of all for me. I have no intention of continuing. I want to ****ing die and I want to now.
  9. I can't bare the stupidity anymore. We are so lost even google can't find us anymore. Humanity is it's own enemy. We haven't a chance in hell.
  10. I was meaning to post a blog about the magical headspace I sometimes enter. Not nearly as frequently as I would like! I would have told you how wistful, but wonderful it was to pass a closed amusement park in the evening dusk, how the lights shone through all the barbershops, hairdressers, pubs, restaurants and antique shops along one of my “old haunts” of a time long gone by. And how lonely it also feels being immersed in magic because.. Instead I will tell you how watching the news and reading a few posts on Facebook took me out of the magic and back into the land of fake, news, bigotry and plain stupidity. It never lasts does it. And in my case, it can change like the wind. Just when I got the compass directed to the general vicinity of my True North(or something resembling it), I suddenly find everything going south. South has been the direction I have been going for years now. I can’t get myself to back track, for the simple reason that I am completely lost on my cataclysmic dive South. I am incapable of holding on to the promise of finding my way in life. I have only caught glimpses of what my world might be if I could find my true north. I have been told how strong I am, but it would seem that either my strength is completely corrupted or that I am not that strong after all. Perhaps some of us just don’t have any sense of direction.
  11. samadhiSheol


    I am so sorry you are going through crap like that, DG. I just came across your blog so this is a couple of weeks “late”.. You wrote this: Happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be. I don’t believe choosing happiness is a choice like “should I wear the blue one or the red one”. I believe it’s more like a paradigm shift we make and the choice making lies in the fact of living our lives so we can let happiness in. I am the last person one would think would say that, but there you go..haha. Now, you are not the first or last mom to feel the way you feel. I am not undermining you pain, neither am I belittling your other issues. But you can be a brilliant mom DESPITE the hardships you are going through. Depression or any other illness for that matter isn’t an automatic “unworthiness” dispenser even if your mind thinks so. If you still feel this way(I am writing this two weeks or so after you posted this blog) I would like you to take a breath and think of what you have accomplished. You have a daughter. It really doesn’t matter where she came from. She is your family now. In my books (in anyone’s books) that is amazing. You have no reason to feel guilty about your circumstances. The fact that you do feel guilty speaks volumes as to the person you truly are. You love her. Depression cannot stand in the way. I’ll finish this by saying something someone just said to me. You are strong and you can pull through, @Depressedgurl007. I have seen your strength and so have a lot of people on df. You can do it. You can deal with depression AND care for your daughter. Perhaps somewhere along the road there is room for happiness too.
  12. About samadhiSheol:

    Currently viewing profile: samadhiSheol


    This must count as the ultimate expression self-absorption.


    1. JD4010


      Hahaha. Made me look!

  13. I would just like to point out, that none of us here are undermining your thoughts and feelings. They are YOUR thoughts, YOUR feelings; YOUR interpretations of phenomena you perceive. They are real to you. But they are not necessarily true, at least they don't necessarily tell the whole truth. This applies to every one of us of course. No one can claim to have a monopoly on what is true or real. That is why it is always a good thing to be critical and have a (healthy) amount of suspicion about the news, social media, heresay, even scientific proof. We are entitled to make up our own minds about the world and the ways we make sense of it. But sometimes we can take things too far. We overthink(I do this all the time). We may have underlying issues(for example anxiety issues; like me) that make our minds search for all possible risks and dangers. We make one sided opinions about the threats we see and as humanity is pretty lazy, intellectually speaking, we seek answers and "facts" that suit our current view of the world. If we seek threats, we sure as hell will see them everywhere. And it becomes hard for anyone to tell us differently, even if they have proof that we are incorrect or at least not entirely right. Like someone pointed out somewhere on df(not necessarily on this thread), the worst kind of lies are the lies with an element of truth in them. Some say there can be no smoke without fire but I beg to differ. Sometimes we can create smoke without fire, make something that isn't really there appear out of a half truth or even a fact. This is the true essence of conspiracy theories. This also the essence of any kind of propaganda. I suffer from general anxiety(among other stuff), and I know how to catastrophize every possible situation when anxiety hits me bad. When I am like that, I don't see the world with objective eyes(no one truly does completely). I am immersed in my claustophobic, tunnel-visioned "end of all things" state of mind, in constant panic, fear and sometimes bouts of paranoia too. You say: "And why do you think I started this topic? It is my fear, part of my mental illness no matter what kind of illness it is. Some members agree some don't with the fear I have but you seem to be the only one to complain about even talking about it. If it bothers you simply avoid it. It's not like I brought this up as a fact or for debate. It is health related to me and I seek help where I can." So at some level you must realize that some of the fears you have brought up are connected and I dare say are at least in part, induced by your mental health issues. All we are trying to do on df, in our amateurish and sometimes boorish ways, is point out that most things need multiple points of view to even start to make any sense. We are not here to belittle your experiences. @Zagor. I believe I speak for all of us when I say we all want you to feel better and good about yourself and the world. Sorry for the wall of text.
  14. ..And it is THIS, the radical acceptance, that I cannot accept. I don't even understand what it means. It sounds a lot like Viktor Frankl's take on suffering: "When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as his task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden." None of it makes any sense to me. I fail to see the significance in "the uniqueness" of our respective suffering. I will acknowledge that suffering (as in pain, crappy life events etc) is indeed a part of life. But it all boils down to quality of life, at least in my perhaps warped and corrupted mind. I can only speak for myself, but I don't see any point in life that is filled with constant fear, pain and hopelessness.(Not that I see much point in life at all as most of you probably know). I can, however, understand the bid to find ways to better one life, despite suffering, adversity and hardship, and perhaps ease the suffering and make life worth while. It would seem that most quotes or ideas if you will, concerning life and it's intricacies, are based on the notion that life is precious and should continue at any cost and that we have an obligation to god/soci/state/etc.. to live. That and having enough hope of course. In this I beg to differ. I don't believe life has to continue at any cost. I do believe that life in general as in other people's lives are sacrosanct and are not mine to interfere with. But if one's own personal living conditions and other aspects of one's life doesn't get any better, will not get any better, I see no point at hanging on to it any any cost. Especially when there isn't any hope for life to get better. Yes, we don't know what is around the corner. But life can teach you to make educated guesses. Learned helplessness too, I gather.. I don't see suffering as anything noble, something to hang on to. Another thing that I fail to understand is that we should live through our suffering because of the living we would leave behind if we take our own lives. I believe our moral codes and ethics are to a large extent, a product of evolution and developement according to any given culture's modes of adapting to it's circumstances. Obviously we are also biologically/genetically programmed to further life, in both the procreation and self preservation sense. But we are also in the position to choose between life and death. Sometimes the price for living for the benefit of others is too high. And ultimately, whether we choose to live or die, is our personal choice. I suppose someone as cynical as I am could argue that choosing death is a form of radical acceptance too. After all the pessimism I just spewed, I have to admit that this rocked my boat. Life "as a mystery to be lived", and the "path that is no path", somehow make sense to me. And I see no problem in following your bliss. I read somewhere that the best way to contribute to other people's happiness and furthering their well-being is to do something YOU are happy to do and furthers your well-being too.
  15. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I really couldn’t have! But what is there beneath the veneer of theatre? Is there anything else but dramatis personae?
  16. “This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated.”
  17. I don't think I even had a "potential", though in my youth I naively thought so. I don't have talents or abilities. Neither do I have any lasting interests. Everything else you said is me to the letter. I am an underachiever and I also feel I am an imposter. If people knew how warped my mind is, how dark and depraved I am within and more to the point. how fake I am,, they would run a mile and I wouldn't blame them. I have chosen not to tell anyone anymore, because they don't get it. No one does, not even the people who should. Not that it would help. The corruption has gone to far. I don't think normal exists, sober. it is an illusion we have created, an imaginary yardstick we measure life (erroneously )against. I am sorry the world has treated you ths way. But I think it's the world that is damaged, not you.
  18. Not that I give them much credit, but I just did a “personality disorder” test online. Turns out there are more “personality disorders” than I thought. Haha. Soon there will be a personality disorder for every single person on this planet! Sorry I digress. The point I was trying to make was the way how I feel a failure in life. Out of curiosity I took to the test, just to see if I would have gained some insight as to why I am the way I am. Surprise! I didn’t. Apparently I have strong borderline and “schitzotypal” personality disorder traits.. None of it made sense to me to be honest. Anyway, It’s not so much comparing myself to the joneses as as much as me comparing myself to myself or to what or who I should be. Or something. I haven’t quite figure it out.. But in essence, this is where my sense of failure lies. In me not being authentic. I suppose it all boils down to everything, life, feeling wrong somehow. Like I am supposed to be someone else doing something else, in any rate at least being somewhat satisfied with the person I am. I don’t feel real most of the time. Sometimes nothing feels real. I have had these feelings since I was a teen. It’s not “depression”, at least not in the conventional sense. This struck a chord, Gandolf: With me, depression and mania(hypomania exist simultaneously most times. To date I don’t think I have ever been “just” depressed. There are rare instances when I can “ride the wave”, so to speak, get stuff done and then some, read, call my parents, pull my weight at work, workout frenzy etc., instead of the passive/aggressive/ self-sabotage/borderline psychotic take I have for everything, which would seem to be my baseline state. Not sure where I am going with all this, other than perhaps sometimes the best we can do cry out and rave against the world. Sometimes if we are lucky, we might be able to channel the energy, that is if we are lucky enough to have energy to channel. Because I can resonate to this too: With me this resonates for different reasons, perhaps. It’s not necessarily the lack of energy as much as the energy feels pointless and impotent and that life, especially mine, is redundant and meaningless, a burden not worth carrying.
  19. "I looked out on the throw outside of my window Outside there wasn't anything nice to see I wanted things to smell, like meadows not like hell Dying dandelions and bumble bees I looked out at the throw outside of my window Outside there wasn't anything nice to see I wanted things to smell, like meadows not like hell Dying dandelions and bumble bees" Sleaford Mods - Mork n Mindy "You only die once You'll never come back You're gone when you're gone So, love what you can You only die once You'll never come back You're gone when you're gone So, love what you can" Idles - Carcinogenic Bleak I know, but thanks to these tracks I am not as *****d up atm.
  20. There is no matrix. All there is is a species putting their heads in the sand. F uck humanity. we deserve what is being dished out.
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