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samadhiSheol

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Everything posted by samadhiSheol

  1. I'll be happy with neutral. Or happy. Whatever, New Year, people.
  2. Very early 80's. I began experiencing first hand what life was really about. You have to fend for yourself, at the very least learn to dodge when the s hit starts hitting the fan. Bullied at school. Realizing I wasn't really smart after all. I wasn't good at anything. In fact I pretty much sucked at everything at school. But not enough that anyone would have been concerned. Me? I was doing my best to avoid being bullied. Doing my best to just survive in classes of incomprehensible math, languages, school in general. School and study never made much sense, to be honest. God I hated being a teenager. My only solace was music and Dreams. Kraftwerk was one of the early soundtracks of my life, my dreams, what I wanted to achieve. I dreamt of space travel, theoretical physics, black holes, hyperspace and astronomy. I thought Einstein, Schrodinger, Hawking. Oh and girls of course. A lot of dreams. Haha. I listened to "Neon Lights" just a moment ago and realized I was crying. I suddenly remembered my dreams vividly. I remembered what I hoped I'd become, what I hoped I would do. I remembered what I felt, how I felt. Alone and lost. But I had my dreams. Dashed dreams, as they turned out. Shimmering neon lights.
  3. Season’s Greetings, all of you.
  4. There is no limit to self hate and anger. Neither is there any reason to think differently about myself. The self hate will grow as long as I live. It is all I truly feel.

    Hatred and anger. I am damaged goods and completely corrupted.

    I should be dead. I want to be dead.

  5. I should have never joined df.

    I have degenerated into depth of despair I could never have even imagined. And some of that has to do with being around depressed people. 
     

    Sorry but that is how it is. I have to go.
     

    Dunno where though. To the starss if it were possible. I hate life. You all know that by now. There is no option to this pointless existence. Other than death of course. 

    1. JD4010

      JD4010

      Whatever happens, please keep in touch. I did send an email but I don't know if it ever got to you.

      I'm a pro when it comes to gallows humor, if that means anything.

  6. As far as I can see, this is just another expression of the inherent hubris of humanity, that we can figure out the cosmos with our brain. Free will or no, we are FREE ENOUGH to have at least the illusion of freedom. For most of us, that is probably enough.
  7. Must have been 1993 or 1994. I was sitting in a bar on a Friday evening with a (girl) friend, we weren't an item or anything(though I believe at the time I secretly wanted to be an item with this Liz Taylor lookalike friend of mine but I digress). Suddenly she said:"I want that too", referring to the song playing on the bar soundsystem.
  8. All I wanna do - Sheryl Crow Oh my god this one takes me back
  9. I think "free will" or lack of free will is beside the point. When is life worth living is the only question worth answering. At least that is the only question I ask.
  10. Haha We never were. What separates us from the rest of the planet is hubris. That is our “thing”, the planet’s bane and our inevitable downfall. We are desperately searching for signs of intelligent life in the cosmos because we sure as hell don’t meet the mark. Fck this. I am going to focus on astronomy and galaxy s hit because stars aren’t a-holes.
  11. I am sick and tired of people, humanity in general. I am sick of being HUMAN. I see the travesty that is humankind everywhere. There is no escape from the sheer banality and mediocrity EVERYWHERE. I will never get a new job. My life will always suck like it has until now. There is no possibility of change for “the better” whatever the fuc k that means. Life is CRAP. By default. At best life is nothing at all it just is. I hate everything and everyone.. Deep down I truly do. Including myself. We ARE islands. Disconnected by default. We wish for connection, belonging, but it is never truly there. We never truly know each other. We are alone in this emptiness, in a universe that doesn’t care if we exist or not. There is no consciousness other than the illusion of consciousness. All there is is emptiness and pointlessness. And the best we can do in this pointlessness, with this pointlessness, is vote for the Trumps and Brexits and argue about viruses and other crap. Multiply senselessly and exploit and destroy whatever we get our hands on. God I despise humanity I am sick of repeating myself over and over. I am sick of myself and everything. I have nothing else to say.
  12. Test was negative so it's regular flu. I feel tired and and "blocked up" but not too bad. I made the mistake of reading the news about covid vaccines and the reasoning behind not wanting it (or lack of reason thereof). and now my belief and disillusionment in humanity had plummeted into new depths. Our stupidity will be our undoing.
  13. Interesting development there.. I had to cancel the rheumatologist because of symptoms of flu!! Just went for a covid test and am on sickleave/quarantine for at least till the test results come back. Have to rebook for appointments at a later date. Damn covid. Now I will worry will I end up in a comatose state on breathing machine.. I don't feel too bad physically atm.. a bit like "man flu" with fatigue. Haha. pisses me off though. And sure doesn't help my already heightened anxiety.
  14. The obvious path isn’t necessarily the shortest route. The detour leads home too.
  15. What is "blocking" me? As far as I can see, nothing is blocking me. I just can't visual a a future I want to live in. Or more to the point, all I see is more of the same bs. Not necessarily what I experienced/felt as a kid though. What I experienced as an adult. We can't predict the future. I am not that naive. But one can make educated guesses, based on prior experiences. As to what has been said about things on this thread that made one unhappy in the past, narratives etc. I don't know how the dynamics work, but the stuff I found interesting when I was a kid DO NOT interest me anymore. I don't like drawing anymore for example . Thing is I wasn't particularly interested in anything as far as I recall. I am not blind to the fact that school bullying isn't a part of the "narrative" I tell myself. But I did talk about it with my threrapist in detail. Details I have no intention of living again on DF. But it wasn't the only factor. I only mentioned bullying at all because it is ALL I can think of that would have any external influence as to how I see myself. And I saw for myself that what I experienced wasn't the worst kind. I am not entirely sure it was a major factor. I don't recall having high self esteem to begin with. I haven't been entirely clear as to what I initially really meant. When I said "nothing" to what I learned about myself at therapy, I should have said, nothing I can actually use. I learned that I suffer from chronic emptiness, dissatisfaction and poor self esteem. After three years of therapy it wasn't exactly an epiphany. We talk of narratives, we speak of an "inner critic", undermining every desicion, every thought you have. I see them as metaphors at best. And I am not entirely sure that it is the same for everyone. That speaking of "narratives" and/or inner critics applies to everyone. I don't have any particular underlying "trauma". Or only in the sense that EVERYONE who has ever walked on this earth has. Life IS traumatic. Anyone who says differently is looking st life through rose-tinted lenses. With this I am not saying that life cannot include joy and happiness too. My life, on proverbial paper, isn't bad at all. In fact I am sure there are a people who wouldn't see what the problem is. People close to me don't. So I don't talk to them any more. This is the problem. I haven't a fxking clue who I am, what I want and what is the point in ANYTHING anyway. I am disappointed with myself. My life ISN'T RIGHT. for me, who ever this emptiness posing as a "person" is. I don't believe that life is this amazing experience. We exist and that is all there is to it. We either find meaning to life or we don't. There is no grand meaning, no purpose to existence unless we forge one for ourselves. I don't see one. Neither for myself or for anyone else. As far as I can see, and of course I can only speak for myself, meaning or purpose is illusory. But whatever rocks your boat. This is my failure, failure for meaning. But good for you, @Atra. I am truly happy for you. And anyone else who finds meaning, raison d'etre in this pointless existence. Not everyone finds meaning though. At some point there is no reason to continue. I hate growing old. Not that I appreciated youth either. That is my other handicap. I haven't the capacity for gratitude. I haven't the capacity for (self) forgiveness or self-appreciation either. All empty words. When is anything "fact"? I am not that blind that I can't see the past as it is, the past. And I dare ANYONE to not have feelings with their past, be it a pleasant experience or not so pleasant. It is an important difference to make though. To recognize the past as what it is, warts and all, and move on, I agree with you on that, @Atra. It is the future I have a problem with. I have NO HOPE. What I mean is I don't see a future worth living. Hope is just a four letter word without something tangible to hope for. I don't believe one can hope for "a better life" without having some idea as to what it could look like. I don't. This world has nothing for me. People are stupid, self-centred, are reluctant to take responsibility and humanity is on an unstoppable path of self destruction. Make no mistake, I am a stupid callous cxxt just like the rest of us. I don't believe everyone has the capacity to have passion, dreams and so on. I don't recall ever knowing what the fck I should do with my life. I thought I would figure something out when I was younger. Even 15 years ago I thought I might. Not any more though. What changed, you may ask. Nothing really. And therein lies the problem. Whatever course of action I have taken, leads to the same dead end place. I don't believe there is anything "hidden", something preventing me to "find myself" so to speak. At best we invent ourselves. I see nothing out there worth the effort. I am sick of life. I am sick of humanity. I think humanity is screwed, let alone me. I have given up. On myself and also on the world. That is all there is to it.
  16. Haha, perhaps it's like the economy. Every now and then we realize the economy is essentially built on nothing and then it plummets into a recession, as we lose our faith in it. Emperor's new clothes indeed.
  17. This is something I have thought about, a lot. What made us happy before doesn’t necessarily make us happy anymore. What fascinated and captivated us as kids, doesn’t necessarily correlate with the adult of today. Sometimes we just get fed up with the here and now. We get fed up with the person we are. Fun fact: the word ”Person” is rooted in the word ”persona” in latin (”prosporon ” in Greek), meaning ”mask” as used in ancient Greek and Roman theatre. I don’t believe there is anything under the mask. We wear different masks for different occasions, but underneath there is nothing but emptiness.
  18. In a word- nothing really haha. At the moment I am not seeing a therapist. In the past five years or so, I have seen four or five. Just didn’t work out. Oh, and I don’t have the money to see a therapist on a regular basis. After being on sick leave for over a year(a year of unemployment after that) fifteen odd years ago, I saw a psychotherapist for three years. My main issues were low self esteem, feelings of emptiness, insomnia and dealing with a burn out. It has dawned to me, these past few years or so, , that I have had low self esteem and feelings of emptiness most my of my life. I f I had to define myself with two attributes, they would be: under-achiever and a-good-for -nothing. Not entirely true of course. But I have NEVER done anything in my life that has truly lit the proverbial fire within me. Everything I have done, either as a job or even as a hobby has been in the absence of something- I don’t know what. Life bores and depresses me. Oh there is this of course: I have an idea about this. Being bullied at school for a couple of years had an impact. I had an interest in theoretical physics, astronomy and cosmology when I was young. I was trying to understand the theory of relativity when I was nine, for godsakes! I realized though, once I was high school, I didn’t have the clout for math. Despite all the help I got, I couldn’t wrap my head around any of it. I barely scraped through my exams. So I gave that up and thought “humanities!” Nope. Didn’t work either. English. History, Art history. Philosophy. Poitical science. Anthropology. Comparative religion. Sanskrit for godsakes! I applied to university. 7 or 8 times. No dice. I try the open university route. Again, I tried studying. I hated exams and have never been good at them.I was ok with essays and assignments. You don’t have to learn crap by heart, but there was too little of that and at the end it eventually just exhausted me. So I found out I couldn’t handle the studying. Rubbish at that too. By then I was either unemployed or in one of my dead end jobs. So I gave up. What’s the point in putting in the effort when you fail anyway? Learned helplessness, yes I know. But the poor doggies weren’t given an opportunity of success in escaping the pain, so why even fckin try? Later on I began thinking, was I even interested enough to put in my full effort? I have always had a penchant for figurative self flagellation (self harm too). I don’t like myself very much. Recently even less as I feel I have failed Myself. I seem to repeat my failure over and over. I have had three long term jobs. All crap, low pay, mind numbing and soul sucking. Each one of them have ended with the same sentiments of frustration, feeling that I am at my wits end, hanging on because there is nothing else on the horizon, eventual burn out. Anger issues, passive aggressiveness, cynicism and hopelessness. Every fcking time. After 50, your aren’t of any interest if you don’t have anything to offer. A burnt out under achiever who has nothing behind him but a squandered youth isn’t considered worth the effort. I am tired of being out of money all the time. I am tired with the mindless dead end jobs I end up in. I am fed up with being a complete nobody, someone I CAN’ T RESPECT. I don’t care about other people or their thoughts. But I have got nowhere according to MY STANDARDS. Though if I had to define those standards I would be stumped, I don’t have values. I don’t believe anything is truly necessary. We define the god and evil around us. Values..WTF are they anyway? All I know is I am nowhere near were I should be,
  19. Absolutely adorable. from one cat slave to another.
  20. I have read the book, I even saw a logotherapist for a while. It didn’t convince me. It didn’t make real sense to me , to be honest. Not saying it won’t help some people though. Thing is a “one-fit-for-all”- solution doesn’t exist. Frankl is right saying that we need to make sense to our existence, find a meaning for ourselves(and by extension contribute to the world around us). Indeed, there is no meaning other than the one we either accept as given(society, creed, ideology) or the meaning we discover/invent for ourselves. Can everyone find meaning though? I think the question is not entirely complete. I think what we are really asking ourselves is, if in the absence of a god, what is the true value of life. When is life worth living. That is the question I ask myself anyhow.
  21. No doubt you are right. I got my Hinduism and Buddhism confused a bit.. Thing is though, suffering is a part of life. I don’t think life is meant to be lived without any suffering. Though neither is it probably meant to be complete suffering haha. Not that I think that life is “meant” to be anything particular at all. I don’t believe in an afterlife. This is all there is and all we can do is make the most of it or not. Neither do I believe that suffering or lack thereof even matters in the “grand scheme of things”. I don’t believe in the importance of humanity in the cosmos or that even existence of the cosmos itself is meaningful. We are, we exist, if we didn’t we wouldn’t be here to ask questions. The universe exists, if it didn’t, we wouldn’t be here. But none of that really means anything. Only we have the capacity to give anything meaning. I don’t believe anything exists because of an underlying imperative demanding existence. I think it’s down to sheer coincidence. I remember reading that traditionally (either in certain Hinduist tradition or Buddhist, can’t remember which or perhaps both?), the quest for enlightenment shouldn’t even begin before middle age. Before then life is suppose to be worldly, in the sense of family, wealth etc. After you have done “your bit” in society, you move on to more spiritual endeavors. Origin of midlife crisis perhaps? Go figure. I read a lot so my “facts” get confused at times. And I clearly don’t get out much. Haha.
  22. Yes. No. Haha. Dukkha, annica, anatta: suffering, impermanace, not-self. Trilaksana or the three marks of existence. In other words the crap we get caught in in life, according to Buddha. But does it mean deliverance in this life or the nirvanic state once we have left the birth-rebirth cycle of samsara? Allegories, to be sure. To be applied in the here and now. I don’t really believe in any religion. Though admittedly Buddhism, or some aspects of it makes some sense. Zen even more so(though zen isn’t really a religion..). Also the concept Yetzer hara in Judaism is an intriguing concept. Not so much sin as abuse of the gifts Yahwe has bestowed on us. Indulgence, so to speak. But I digress. Surely all religion has been born out of the want for redemption in this life or at least the next..? Anyway, In zen I like the idea that searching for satori is a waste of time. We are there already, we just have to realize it. I suppose the same applies to Buddhism proper. We can accept our sentiments, our feelings, our intellect. But instead of hanging on to all of that, we should let them pass by and just take their due course. Easier said than done of course.
  23. .. And when I say "suffering I mean more" ennui, "weltschmerz" and good old existential emptiness a la Shopenhauer, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Sartre, than pain and agony, hell and brimstone. But thanks @Mikayla. You are spot on. I should do stuff I enjoy. Recently I have had trouble focusing on that side of things. I do stuff I enjoy (or used to) but I end up feeling empty, with a "now what?" mentality. When I am reading I realized I don't understand a word of what I have read. I don't have the capacity to concentrate anymore. On a somewhat different note and following up on: I saw my GP today. And it was talking to her I realized that of late I have been SCARED of letting in joy or anything remotely like happiness in. And the reason why? I am afraid that I will somehow jinx myself into bad luck if I begin feeling grateful. That the minute I am, it will suddenly be taken away from me. So I don't indulge. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself", as the saying goes. But there it is. There is an obvious connection to the chronic anxious/agitated state I am in most of the time. Anxiety and feelings of panic have been my lot most of my life. Add poor self esteem to the equation and you have.. Well, me. And these were some of things I was in psychotherapy for back in the day. The GP was good enough to send me for xrays(multiple tendon issues), a referral to a rheumatologist (whom I have see before for similar reasons) and also a pdoc. I have to add that a lot of my "suffering" is also cerebral in nature. I see the world inherently void of any meaning or point, but that is OK. I understand the bid for sentient beings to create meaning themselves, both in the individual and collective sense. But I struggle with the question of meaning myself. I have always been a glass half empty person and that is OK too. Optismism/pessimism are characteristics and both serve a function. But the point is, as many of you say and as @Atra pointed out: This can and SHOULD include us being optimists/pessimists, introverts/extroverts, whatever we are as we are as our true authentic selves. Oh well, the quest continues I guess.
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