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Posts posted by samadhiSheol

  1. 7 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

    you make a difference for me and many others on here...please dont think like that.

    To be honest I don't see that. A lot of us have been on df for years, fighting the same issues. I am wondering does peer support even help. I don't believe it does help, at least for some of us this is the case. 

    I get no solace from the fact thate there are people with similar issues as me. In fact it just underlines the fact thst something is fundamentally wrong with the world. For some of us there is no hope. 

    You could argue that the world is making me feel the way I do. Moot. I don't want this world. I have realized there is no place for me here. I am tired with people, fed up and sick of myself. 

    I was reading some of my older posts and I realized being on df had made me feel worse. I hate writing this crap.

    I will leave DF eventually for good. I am sick of this pointless existence. It isn't helping me. I want out. Of life too. Sooner the better. 

  2. 1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

    why? 😞

    Nothing I do makes any difference. At work or on the so-called "self-development"- department. 

    I am in the same headsapce I was when I was sixteen. I am 55. I have felt dissatisfied, disappointed and empty all my adult life. There is nothing I want to do. Life is an exercise in futility. 

    My life is a waste. I am a waste. Nothing I do changes anything. I want to be dead. I won't last to the end of this year. I hate life. 


  3. I hate myself. I hate my job. I hate this complete loser and twat I have become. No wait, this how I am wired. To be a loser in life. 

    Thinking back, I am not surprised I was bullied at school. I deserved to be bullied. I was a effing wimp. Stupid too. 

    If I could talk to the then me, I would breakdown and tell him it's pointless, this is how you will end up. Broken, dissatisfied and so fkcing empty that nothing has nothing on me. 

    I wish I was dead. 

  4. 5 hours ago, JD4010 said:


    @samadhiSheol I don't know how to make decisions either. I suck at it. I listen to arguments about a subject and I think, "gee, both sides are correct." My position is like being a Colonel in the military, but I think like a Private. Or don't think. 

    In my case the options are more like a "lose-lose" situation. All moot, whatever I do.


  5. First, I am sorry you have to put up with crap at work @June322. And you of course, @JD4010. We have compared our respective “black lists” elsewhere on df, I recall.

    I probably wouldn’t even be on df if it weren’t for my “career”, ie. drifting through a succession of dead end jobs all my life. Drifting through life. I don’t know how to make decisions. More to the point, everything is just meh and whatever. I am crap at everything and I don’t really have interests. It’s like I lack soul. So I just settle with anything I can get.

    Yes, COVID isn’t making job-hopping easy. Not that I have found it easy before.   Nowadays I have more or less given up. I will never find a job I would be happy doing. I will never get a decent pension. I am terrified of the idea of pension. My whole adult life is one big failure. I have never managed to get a degree and to be completely honest, I probably failed because I have never known what to do with myself in the first place.

    The only way I cope is not to think. At all. About anything than my immediate future, as in daily groceries, should I work out today, what record shall I play when I get home, etc.

    Thinking about anything else just makes me face the fact that the future sucks. I have no reason to believe that anything will change as all my efforts in the past have led nowhere at all. The only lesson I have learnt is that nothing is worth the effort. 

    I am sorry I’m not much help. 



    34 minutes ago, Atra said:

    There was just one telephone ☎️ for an entire household. It's true. Not very long ago, 4+ people shared a single phone. How??? 😯🤔

    Which brought this to mind:


    I remember when when we made arrangements to meet friends days or even weeks in advance and kept to our word. Sometimes with letters and /or postcards. Cause not everyone even had access to telephones!

    No last minute texts saying i can't make it after all!

    (Not saying it was necessarily better back in the day..)

  7. 5 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

    Me agrees.  😆

    Reminds me of the joke about the difference between incentive and motivation.  'Incentive' is when the boss says, "Do a good job and you will get a bonus/raise."  'Motivation' is when the boss says, "Do a bad job and you will be fired."

    Another example of extrinsic motivation. The stick/carrot variety. Another form of extrinsic motivation is conformity and the want to belong. To an extent, we are wired this way and it isn't all bad. But it would seem we get caught up in the "responsible citizen" routine and think our own personal growth and self-realization is secondary or unimportant.

    According to Ryan et al, it's not the kind  motivation to get the best out of ourselves. In a sense, we are all in a cage, at least a part of it is self inflicted.

    Intrinsic motivation is all about using what we are good at, connecting with our "true tribe" and making the world a better place by enjoying what we do and in the process, giving back to any given (healthy) society.

    Sadly this doesn't happen very often. Most of the jobs are either a bad fit for anyone or people are tragically in the wrong place doing the wrong work, according to their respective interests or abilities. Intolerant, authoritive regimes, religions and ideologies don't help either.

  8. Just fitted a new stylus onto my trusty Thorens turntable. Had it for over 30 years. 

    The guy at hifi repairs 6 or so years ago did a top class job aligning the pick up cartridge. When I had a complete overhaul done on it. Didn't have to do a thing in the alignment department now. 

    Listening to Gary Numan, wondering what happened to me. When I listened to this in 1982 or so, I thought I'd be an astronaut or a physicist at the very least when I grow up.. Now I am just a broken piece of machinery. 

    Work. A productive day. Talked a lot. Have to see about the next six months at work. A lot of changes to be expected, not on a permanent basis though.

    God I need a new job. New life. New Me. 




  9. I finally took some advice to heart. 

    So instead of ruminating about how bad everything is, how much I hate my job bla bla bla

    I actually did stuff at work. I still hate my job, I still need to reassess as to who I am and what I want, but I have to admit, I don't feel as bad now as I did in the morning. 


  10. Death, suicide, how hopeless my life is. How fragmentary, pointless and empty life is in general. 

    You know the trope: “this too shall pass”. It doesn’t though does it. Best case scenario is, all you “learn” to do is cope and settle with whatever crap life throws at you. 

    If that is all life boils down to then fcuk it. Not interested anymore. I have spent my whole stupid life doing just that. Settling with crap. Never having a fcking clue what to do with myself. Nothing feels right for me. 

    The only true question that needs answering is what kind of life is worth living.   Everything else is just annotation.

  11. 3 hours ago, sober4life said:

    I've been running my whole life but I never get away.  I could be happy if I didn't hate myself.  I can't stand to be in my own company with silence for even a second and it will always be that way.

    Not liking myself is completely natural for me. Liking myself is unnatural.


  12. 7 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

    Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started southward. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and shat on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But then the shit warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the shit, found the chirping sparrow and promptly ate him.

    Pretty much life in a nutshell.

    So what is the point in even putting in the effort?

  13. Yeah.

    I told the psychologist yesterday I can’t think about the future without feelings of despair and hopelessness. The future is this black hole. There is nothing there. 

    Now I can’t stop thinking about how effed up everything is. Nothing changes whatever I do. Groundhog Day doesn’t even begin to describe my life. Life is pointless. Especially mine.

    There is nothing for me in this world. And I don’t own anyone anything. I wish I had the guts to just do it. 

    I don’t need liberty. I need death.

  14. 50 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

    I feel like absolute sh!t. I've had it. There's no way to ever win in this life. I've been at it for 61 years and it just keeps getting worse. I wasn't supposed to live through childbirth anyway. 

    For what it’s worth I know that feeling. Sorry you feel this way too.

  15. I don’t know how I feel.  Chronic (if low-level atm)anxiety. I am so used to it I don’t even notice it half the time. I just feel on edge, all the time. Like I am expecting certain excrement to hit the proverbial air-conditioning(to be PC).

    I saw the occupational psychologist today. I said what I planned to say, yet somehow I didn’t, not really. I didn’t tell him exactly how hopeless I see my chances. How hopeless and pointless everything is. How effed up the world is, and there is no place for me here.

    In general though, I have been completely occupied and obsessed with hifi equipment. I got my new amp, only to find I need to replace the stylus on my turntable. And for the last couple of days I have been immersing myself in the “intriguing” world of phono cartridge alignment. 

    I really, really need to get a life. Or a death. Haha.

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