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Status Updates posted by samadhiSheol

  1. Sorry folks. I have had it. I am leaving DF. 

    Hope you have better luck than I have. I need to feel better somehow. A lot better. And DF can't help me. Perhaps nothing can.


  2. There is no limit to self hate and anger. Neither is there any reason to think differently about myself. The self hate will grow as long as I live. It is all I truly feel.

    Hatred and anger. I am damaged goods and completely corrupted.

    I should be dead. I want to be dead.

  3. I should have never joined df.

    I have degenerated into depth of despair I could never have even imagined. And some of that has to do with being around depressed people. 

    Sorry but that is how it is. I have to go.

    Dunno where though. To the starss if it were possible. I hate life. You all know that by now. There is no option to this pointless existence. Other than death of course. 

    1. JD4010


      Whatever happens, please keep in touch. I did send an email but I don't know if it ever got to you.

      I'm a pro when it comes to gallows humor, if that means anything.

  4. I’m sorry I shouldn’t post all the crap I have. 

    Thing is I shouldn’t be on df at all. It has only made me feel worse.

    1. JD4010


      Sorry, my friend. Don't leave without giving me your email address or some way of contacting you.

  5. About samadhiSheol:

    Currently viewing profile: samadhiSheol


    This must count as the ultimate expression self-absorption.


    1. JD4010


      Hahaha. Made me look!

  6. I am finished. Lost. Beyond hope. Beyond saving. The world can go and f uck itself. Me too.

    All there is left is death.

    1. samadhiSheol


      C. G. Jung:

      Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”


  7. Hunters and collectors all come out at night
    Hunters and collectors never see the light
    Hunters and collectors all come out at night
    Hunters and collectors they'll never see the light


    Can - Hunters and Collectors

  8. R.I.P Little Richard.

    So much would never have been heard without your impact.

    The Sonics- The Witch

    1. JD4010


      What an amazing talent. Guy had boundless energy. I've been watching videos of him on Youtube.

  9. All my musical heroes are dying.

    R.I.P Florian Schneider.

    Kraftwerk -Radio Activity- Album - Radioland

  10. Who says we can't or shouldn't end our lives if we want to? 

    Why the persistency in the demand of life, any life, continuing at any cost? I don't see intrinsic value in life. We give life it's value. But not all of us can make that leap of faith. Some of us are incapable of seeing existence that way.

    Some of us see it as plus-minus- thing. 

    What is worth living for?



    1. JD4010


      There's a meme floating around somewhere that asks, "Why is it illegal to k!ll ourselves?" The reply is: "Because you aren't supposed to destroy government property, dumb-ass!"

      We are owned here in the US. Our social security number incorporates us.

    2. samadhiSheol


      Ironic laughter,  inside I am screaming. Haha.

      if what you said was true, though, I would do it just out of spite.

      F uck authority. Vive le revolution.

  11. Sorry about my recent blasts of negativity all over df. 

    Yes, this is what I feel, it is what I am,  but as is always the case, it isn't the whole story.

    My posts are hardly helping as I realize there are people other than me who get triggered by crap like this. 

    So sorry to all of you.


    1. JD4010


      No need to apologize in my case. I feel the same way. Life is my "trigger."

  12. Perhaps the reason of my existence is to be an example of what not to be.

    Make all the effort, people, so you don’t turn out like me.

    Bitter, defeatist, hating everything and given up.


    1. JD4010


      Seems we have similar raisons d'etre (not sure if that's correct spelling).

  13. Just a short notice to tell you all that I haven't been around that much recently and won't be for another couple of weeks still, due to multiple tendinopathy.

    Can't use my mobile or tablet for writing or much else for a while, which in itself is probably a good thing!

    Be awesome and well, DFers.

  14. I have had enough of this pointlessness. 

    Come on! Nothing will change. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD OR ANY VERSION OF IT.

    I don't like myself and neither do I like other people. We are a cursed species and doomed to oblivion anyhow.

    I know now I have the courage to do it. 

    Good f ucking riddance.

    1. JD4010


      Oh damn. I don't like the sound of that bit about having the courage...

  15. The less I am around people the better.

    I just can't get interested anymore. People drain me and honest truth bore me too. I bore myself too though so there's that.

    Actually I don't think I have been much of a people person to begin with. I was always the first to leave the party. 

    I'd probably be better off at Mt Palomar observatory gazing at stars.

    Yes, a decrnt library, heavy bag  and tatami mats and the stars. 

    1. JD4010


      I am in full agreement. People drain me and also irritate the hell out of me with their pettiness.

      I've dreamed of being an astronomer since I was very young. Or a researcher in some facility in the middle of Antarctica.

      I have a decent library in my apartment, along with two cats who sit with me while I'm reading. That's my version of heaven on earth.

  16. I hate myself, I hate humanity. The sooner humanity is extinct the better the cosmos will be. I think we have probably f ucked the world beyond saving too.

    Nothing any of us do makes a f ucking difference. All we are capable of is uncontrollable breeding, causing calamities and problems. We never solve anything. Thank god(figure of speech, doesn't exist) I don't have kids to f uck up even more 

    F uck us. F uck me. Especially me. 



    1. JD4010


      No argument from me. We have certainly bred far past capacity. The die off has already started and will accelerate rapidly. If I was smart, I'd quit working and try to enjoy the short time remaining. But I've never been accused of being smart.

  17. Life doesn't get better only worse. 

    Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????

    1. JD4010


      You haven't served your entire sentence yet.

    2. samadhiSheol


      No point in even trying jd. 

      I will be gone by th end of the year. This is bollocks.

      All I want now is the couage to do it. And I am getting there.

    3. JD4010


      Agreed. It is bollocks. Yet I keep coming back for more, day after day. I am too much of a p ussy to make the task happen. But, if not for my daughter...

  18. I am so in-TENSE

    past tense

    Now I feel 

    Inertia Creeping movingbup slowly

    Feeling sad angry and high all the same time

    But now..I feel the high turning to the worse still high make no mistake but the bile

    I taste it now, I feel it

    Tiger tiger burning bright

    But it gets so dark

    eternity in a grain of sand 

    Why were you so perceptive william blake

    F ucking Jerusalem

    shalom salaam allah akbar 

    Kabbalah sheol gehanna hosianna

    Going down down

    Sinking going down 

    The pit and the pendulum

    Finnegans f uckin wake.

    Wheres the guiness when I need it

    Men fan också

    **** my mind up

    Ineed to be dead NOW




    1. JD4010


      William Blake definitely had it going on. My daughter loves his work. I'm rather fond of it myself.

  19. The crap in life outweighs any little “good” there is. Every time.

    Life isn’t worth living and there really is no hope.

    Too bad I can’t just end my life. 

    I am too much of coward.

    I hate myself. I hate humanity. Nothing will ever change that. 


    1. JD4010


      You won't get any argument from me.

  20. I am nowhere, I am nothing 

    I don't really feel real. 

    It's not that I don't have (good) emotions or thoughts.

    Everything I sense, feel, think..nothing has any significance.


    Do androids dream of elecric sheep? As the P.K Di ck novel goes.

    Is everything just fake?


  21. This is part of something  I wrote to someone that pretty much sums me up:

    "... my "problems" are more existential and ethical in nature than truly in the psychological realm. I have seen a plethora of psychiatrists and therapists representing different approaches to mental health issues and though on the whole they haven't really made me feel any better, they have all pointed out that my intellectual ruminations if you will and my world view at least in part constitute to my current (and nearly life long) pessimistic disposition.  As yet I see little reason to change it. I can't just will myself to think positively. I would only be lying to myself. I need a reason to think positively about myself and the world at large."

    I need to figure it out. There is nothing new in any of this, as any of you who have read my rants know. 

    Still though, my approach to life has always been an intellectual exercise ( in futility haha) and the honest truth is I dont know how to live. 

    So if I am not around as much, I am doing martial arts, making sigils, psycho geography and/or testing if "in vino veritas" is, in fact, true.

    Perhaps life is a koan. We either get it or we don't.

  22. “More People Die from Suicide Than From Wars, Natural Disasters Combined”.

    Headline from the website “VOA”, written by Lisa Shlein.

    As far as I am concerned it tells me more about the world we try to live in than the people who decide to leave it.

    People die of hopelessness, boy and girls. What's left just makes living unbearable.

    Sometimes hope doesn't exist.

  23. I don’t know..peer support doesn’t seem to help me at all. I just end up feeling worse. 

    I should just quit. 


    Check out  of life for good.

    1. JD4010


      But think of all the "fun" you'd be missing! Sorry for the dark sarcasm.

  24. I hate myself.

    I hate life, this world, people.

    I am angry all the time.

    Apparently angry people die younger, so there's that.

    I am old enough now, thank you very much.

  25. Creativity is the act of defining emptiness, giving meaning to absence.

    1. JD4010


      For better or worse, I ain't ever been creative. I flunked art class in fifth grade.

    2. samadhiSheol


      Oh ART..

      creativity isn't equal to art, or more to the point art isn't equivalent to creativity. I didn't have art in mind. Not in the convenional, "painting-on-the-wall"- sense.

      I meant..just living I guess. Creativity as a means for survival.

      Believe me when I say you are way more creative than you give credit for yourself, @JD4010.

    3. JD4010


      Thank you. I guess my ability to come up with quick comebacks could be considered creative. I can be a real smart-ass.

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