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samadhiSheol

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Status Replies posted by samadhiSheol

  1. It's January 2, 2021 and I'm trying to figure out how to end this life once and for all. I wish I owned a gun because that seems pain-free and quick. I think the worst feeling a person can have on top of the depression and hopelessness is to be convinced that God has forsaken you and doesn't want a damn thing to do with you no matter how hard you try to please him and do good things. All of my life I have tried to be good to my fellow man. Over the past four years, even though losing my vision and cannot drive, I found a way to get rides to a place where I volunteer at a local ministry and I also became involved in my church but I do have a drug problem in that I am addicted to meds that were given to me to treat my disability. I've been going to therapy constantly for the past four years and staying on so many antidepressants but they always seem to stop working at some point. I have overcame so many things in my life but I just can't seem to overcome this depression and hopelessness and pill popping to self medicate. I know you're not supposed to but I have really grown to hate God for always seeming to use me in many different ways but never given me any sort of approval and I'm just done. I'll figure out the right way to do it but there is no doubt I have to do it because I refuse to live another new year the way I have lived the past 10 to 20 new years. I guess if anyone reading this could somehow put a little hope back in me where now there is non-then by all means.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Hi, I haven't seen you on DF for a while. 

      I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Nothing I can say can make you feel better. Only you have the power to do that. But what I and others on DF, and perhaps someone irl can do(?) , is be with you, at least in spirit. 

      They say that God works in mysterious ways. Now I am not a believer,  at least in any religious sense. And to me this sounds like so much claptrap. I never understood the point in the plot of god/devil, good/evil, playing out like a cosmic board game, where everyone knows who will win anyhow. 

      IF there is a "god" , we have no way of knowing about him/her/it. And by the same token, I don't believe  god can truly connect with us(that is if God exists in the first place ). 

      I mean no disrespect if you are a believer of the Christian faith. Or Islamic. Or Jewish. Etc. 

      What I am trying to say is, if there IS a god, we should live our lives to our best abilities, not because of a promised redemption, but because it is what WE WANT TO DO. 

      God or no, the only thing that makes any real sense is that we do in fact have free will. That it is in our power to make choices that speak to us, and perhaps not cause too much harm around us...! 

      Any choice you make is yours and yours alone. God, if God exists, HAS TO honor your choice, if it yours and it aligns with who you truly are. If God doesn't exist, exactly the same. 

      This garbeled and I apologise. I hope you feel a bit better at least. Not because of anything I said, but because ultimately you deserve to. We all do. 

       

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  2. I am finished. Lost. Beyond hope. Beyond saving. The world can go and f uck itself. Me too.

    All there is left is death.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      C. G. Jung:


      Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

       

  3. Who says we can't or shouldn't end our lives if we want to? 

    Why the persistency in the demand of life, any life, continuing at any cost? I don't see intrinsic value in life. We give life it's value. But not all of us can make that leap of faith. Some of us are incapable of seeing existence that way.

    Some of us see it as plus-minus- thing. 

    What is worth living for?

     

     

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Ironic laughter,  inside I am screaming. Haha.

      if what you said was true, though, I would do it just out of spite.
       

      F uck authority. Vive le revolution.

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  4. Hey! You doing OK? I mean that in a relative sense of course.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Ok ..a reative term even in the best of times.

      I am indifferent, angry and hopeless.

      I am also tired of compromise. I am constantly choosing between meh and worse. And no so-called cure can offer anything better. It's always s question of coping. And I fu cking hate the term TO COPE. Acceptance. Well that is all I have ever done and now I have had enough of this crap we call life. 

      Some people are just not really equipped for living. Some of us are born..limpid for want of a better expression. Luke-warm. No passion. No dreams. No interests no talent. Just husks. Just going through the motions of life because there is nothing else.

      Add all that with the viewpoint that humanity is a f ucking meance to everything it interacts with..I see no point in existence. Not the human kind anyhow.

      The faster I die..the faster humanity just kills it's self off the better.

      That is all I really have to say.

      As some of you have noticed durinf the time I have wasted here in df.

      All I do is repeat myself ad nauseam. What's the f ucking point? Right there isn't one.

       

       

       

  5. Life doesn't get better only worse. 

    Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      No point in even trying jd. 

      I will be gone by th end of the year. This is bollocks.

      All I want now is the couage to do it. And I am getting there.

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  6. Well it's 8:00 AM here in South Georgia and I'm getting ready to go see my psychiatrist. They put me on a new mood stabilizer, I forget the name, but I'm not so sure it's agreeing with me. All I know is I've been in a hell of a depression for over a month now and thinking about the changes I know I need to make in my life. Since 1995 I've been in various inpatient treatment programs for the depression and drug use as I do self medicate. It just doesn't work anymore, the self-medicating with pain pills an Adderall, in fact I would have to say it just makes the depression worse and even though I use them as prescribed, I use them for all the wrong reasons. It's going to take a great deal of faith to go back into may be a 30 day stay in a treatment center as I have done that so many times before. But all I know is at 51 years old I don't know how long I have left in this world but I just want to get rid of the past and try to make the best of what I have left. That means letting go of everything over to my higher power and somehow ignoring this awful ego that gets me in trouble all the time. I'm going to finish out October and go into my last day at a rehab, as I will never do it again so this has to count. I'm just tired, so tired, of just existing and daily thinking about how to **** myself and end it all. This is no way to live for anybody. So wish me luck and I would appreciate prayers from my fellow believers...

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      All the best, @quentin360.  I hope you feel better soon.

      I for one are am glad you are still around.

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  7. Spoiled milk dead fish rotten egg toothpaste barf can dog food booger stinky socks stink bug and dirty dishwasher.

    These evidently were the flavors I ate last night, late, After finishing a legal brief.

    the first couple that I ate were regular sweet flavors so I thought ah, these are the good ones.  Nope.

    I woke up this morning still feeling queasy and had to eat an apple to stabilize my nausea stomach.

    It's not helpful that Laurel just told me that technically I ate some of the real thing because they make these by sucking the air out of these real things and putting it into the jelly bean flavor.

    Emmmm.

     

  8. Creativity is the act of defining emptiness, giving meaning to absence.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Oh ART..

      creativity isn't equal to art, or more to the point art isn't equivalent to creativity. I didn't have art in mind. Not in the convenional, "painting-on-the-wall"- sense.

      I meant..just living I guess. Creativity as a means for survival.

      Believe me when I say you are way more creative than you give credit for yourself, @JD4010.

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  9. Mood is a funny thing.

    Right now I feel pretty good. I am back to martial arts with vengence.

    I need to do more. Keeps my mind off s hit. 

    Post-training pint of  stout in front of me, life could be a great deal worse.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

       

      Stout. The gun-at-the-head choice I would make out of all b eers.

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  10. Is art creation,  procreation or just masturbation?

     

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Is life creation, procreation or just masturbation?

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  11. Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too. Elated in fact. 

    So much energy, so much procrastination to be done. Ha ha!

    I am everyfcukingwhere at once. 

    EVERYTHERE

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Oh, hopelessness and despair are ever- present. Sometimes I can just shrug them off, or just not care, or actually feel hopeless while also feeling elated. Sounds ffced up, I know.

      Right now I also feel paranoid. I have trust issues in general, but sometimes, like now, I just don’t trust anyone, not even df. when I get really bad, I think df is a hoax of sorts, a version of the “Truman show”, where nothing or nobody is what they seem to be. 

      “Our current regime and mental healthcare system is of course fatally unprepared for the task.  To pat ourselves on the back and say that, oh, hey, we've evolved into sophisticated thinking by championing the bio-psycho-social model is, to me, to restate what ancient Greeks knew, except less.”

      I think it would go a long way to acknowledge that the world, ie. the environment we live in, plays a big role as to how we experience both the world and ourselves. That “normal” just doesn’t exist and that this world isn’t perhaps the best possible version of itself. This and our personal circumstances, our genetics, and occurrences in our lives affect the way we exist.

      Recently I have become interested in situationism and psychogeography (as in situationist international, I believe a shoot off of Marxist thought in the 1960’s,  not so much situationism in the psychological sense though there is a similarity but I digress).

      Obviously there is no one answer to the question: what makes us so effed up? But I think too much emphasis has been placed on OUR adaptational shortcomings instead of thinking could our less than adequate circumstances, the environment we happen to live in,  situations if you will, at least in part be responsible for our mental health issues?

       

       

       

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  12. Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too. Elated in fact. 

    So much energy, so much procrastination to be done. Ha ha!

    I am everyfcukingwhere at once. 

    EVERYTHERE

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Yes, Bowie it is. My all time favorite (one of them.. no it’s Bowie).

      Interesting what you wrote, Gandolf. It’s a bit like that..what I am, what I experience, but again it would seem most times I am both, or everything at once. Though their is a rapid cycle thing going on too.

      Sometimes it feels I am “hypo” in my “depression”, it’s actually really difficult to explain as it is entirely counter to what depression is usually described as, it’s as if the hypomanic element that is me is swimming and stirring up the bog of depression making it fast, acting like mania, full steam ahead, racing thoughts, connections, impulses, but DEPRESSIVE impulses, constant self-loathing, depreciation, death.

      To date I have never experienced the clinical, cant’t-get-out-of-bed-no energy-to do-anything- depression. I feel angry and pissed off most of the time, but the sadness not so much.

      I am always full of energy. Always. Though I don’t often feel like doing anything. I procrastinate(because why even bother? Life has shown I fail, whatever I do, however I do it.. but at the same time I always do what is expected of me(society, convention, my wife, at work, my schitzoid inner critic..)). I never feel accomplished though.

      To be honest I think I have “crashed” (not perhaps in the sense you mean) only a couple times in my life. The most severe case was work and insomnia-related burn out(one year off work, sick leave) though after a few years of therapy I realized I had probably “burnt out” a couple of times before, in my youth.

      There has always been an element of (hypo)mania/extensive rumination/pessimism/elation around in my life, but never enough to make anyone concerned. And I am diabolically good at faking normal.

      I usually just feel empty and meh, but still retaining the racing thoughts mode and feeling restless. God I am always restless.

      I am not sure am I making sense here. I seem to do a lot of things, indeed I have done a lot of things, yet I have nothing to show for it. I have achieved nothing worth anything, I value nothing in life(What are values anyway? Yes values you live by, but I don’t recognize anything like that, as what I am doing is more like responding to stimuli than actual living).

      I just lost my thread reading through my scribbling so I better stop here. Right now I haven’t really a clue who or what I even am.

       

       

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  13. I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.

    I hate myself more than ever.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Hollow laughter..any laughter is  totally acceptable!

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  14. I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.

    I hate myself more than ever.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Yeah, well this toilet is indeed clogged with s hit, so flushing probably is moot.

      Ha ha.

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  15. "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."
    C.S. Lewis
     
    Nuff said.
    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      But...

      I do think there is Something Out There..and the concept of "god" isn't it at all. 

      Not even close.

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  16. "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."
    C.S. Lewis
     
    Nuff said.
    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      I just doubt everything and believe nothing.

       

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  17. "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."
    C.S. Lewis
     
    Nuff said.
    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      I believe this all that there is. I don’t believe in a afterlife.. 

      The molecules and atoms that constitute us will keep going for a few million years or so, after we cease to exist, but our “distinctiveness” our sentience will not. If it really exists other than a kind of “illusion” in the first place. 

       

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  18. Every voice I hear sounds so familiar
    Every song I know
    Still there's been no change in the weather
    But sometime we'll have to go

    Japan-Sons of Pioneers

     

    God..this takes me back. 36 years.

    Nothing has changed.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      “Europe after the Rain” a painting by Max Ernst. I’ve always liked it too. 

      I think it refers to WW2 Europe as it was indeed painted in the early 1940’s. 

      For me though..it’s like something out of my dreams. There is something familiar about the landscape and imagery. I felt pulled towards this and other surrealistic paintings (e.g. Paul Delvaux, Rene Magritte) at an early age.

      My interior has always interested me than the “world beyond”.

      To be quite honest, I don’t really give a flying Fck about the world. Haha.

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  19. I might be off the grid for a week or so.

     

  20. Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.

    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.

    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.

    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 

    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!

    thx.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      I agree with the above, gandolf.You need a time out from all the crap, especially if you are getting excess preassure at work. I have been down the "burnt out" road, that coupled with chronic depression is a sure way to go nowhere fast..

      I hope you feel better soon. No one should deal with that amount of crap.

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  21. Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.

    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.

    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.

    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 

    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!

    thx.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      I wish there was something I could say to help you.

      It all sounds way too familiar. The whole cycle. A bit of a platitude I know..But I've been there..I AM there.

      Please hang in there gandolf. 

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  22. 1. I've now gone 1 year without drinking.

    2. It's also the 2 year anniversary of the last time I heard from my long-lost GF. I'm tempted to rescind #1.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      It’s nigh impossible to “unthink” some stuff at times, believe me I know..

      Is they anything you could distract yourself with, preferably something not entirely meh? Your cats or even a decent cup coffee? I know, it sounds lame, (the coffee, NOT the cats!), but sometimes it’s stuff like that that can make the difference, even if it is just for the moment.

      Hope you feel better soon.

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  23. 1. I've now gone 1 year without drinking.

    2. It's also the 2 year anniversary of the last time I heard from my long-lost GF. I'm tempted to rescind #1.

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Don’t go there if it’s bad for you.

      Rooting for you, mate.

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  24. I intend to be off the grid for a while. I am doing myself no good at all being on df or indeed anywhere on internet. I end up feeling even worse.

     

     

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      The above and this f u cking tendinopathy. Using my fingers hurts my wrists and elbows. 

      Fuc k this fuc king sh it

       

  25. Don't want to ever wake up again.

    I hope I die in my sleep. 

    I don't want to face my ****ing self in the mirror. 

    I hate myself so much I want to shoot the mother****er in the head.

    Pointless loser. Just k ill yourself aready.

     

    1. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      What’s the point sticking around. 

      Oh there isn’t a point is there.

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

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