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samadhiSheol

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Blog Comments posted by samadhiSheol

  1. On 1/10/2021 at 1:13 AM, JD4010 said:

    Haha. I like Jack McDevitt's "easy going" style. It's like reading a 1950s novel. I really get absorbed in his stories.

    speaking of which, I noticed that the novel you mentioned is part of the so-called "Alex Benedict"-series. Can the novels be read as "one offs" or do I need to read them all?

    Not that THAT is necessarily a problem..

  2. On 1/6/2021 at 5:52 PM, JD4010 said:

    For whatever it's worth, we've been down similar paths. Being a teenager sucked for me too. I didn't fit in with any "group" really but was able to find a few other stragglers to hang out with from time to time.

    I should listen to more Kraftwerk I guess. I had the old "Autobahn" album but it got lost in one move or another.

    I was--and still am--a fan of sci fi, especially good space stories. I'm reading a book right now by Jack McDevitt called Octavia Gone. It's about a research station orbiting a black hole that goes missing. I love this stuff. 

    I need to read that! 

    I would be right at home observing a black hole.. 

    Oh wait, I AM observing a black hole in the middle of nowhere. My inner black hole. Haha. 

    But seriously, I haven't read that novel. 

  3. I am so sorry you are going through crap like that, DG. I just came across your blog so this is a couple of weeks “late”..

    You wrote this:

    Happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be.

    I don’t believe choosing happiness is a choice like “should I wear the blue one or the red one”. I believe it’s more like a paradigm shift we make and the choice making lies in the fact of living our lives so we can let happiness in.

    I am the last person one would think would say that, but there you go..haha.

    Now, you are not the first or last mom to feel the way you feel. I am not undermining you pain, neither am I belittling your other issues.  But you can be a brilliant mom DESPITE the hardships you are going through. Depression or any other illness for that matter isn’t an automatic “unworthiness” dispenser even if your mind thinks so.

    If you still feel this way(I am writing this two weeks or so after you posted this blog) I would like you to take a breath and think of what you have accomplished.

    You have a daughter. It really doesn’t matter where she came from. She is your family now. In my books (in anyone’s books) that is amazing. You have no reason to feel guilty about your circumstances. The fact that you do feel guilty speaks volumes as to the person you truly are. You love her. Depression cannot stand in the way. 
     

    I’ll finish this by saying something someone just said to me. You are strong and you can pull through, @Depressedgurl007. I have seen your strength and so have a lot of people on df. 
     

    You can do it. You can deal with depression AND care for your daughter. Perhaps somewhere along the road there is room for happiness too.
     

     

  4. On 10/22/2020 at 3:00 AM, Depressedgurl007 said:

    I feel both of you. I pity those who enjoy life. For what? For an invisible meaning you create yourself in an inherently meaningless and random world. 

    i too wish I have the guts. I envy those who can leave. I can’t stand being here and yet here I am. Why is it so difficult. 


     

    In my case it’s more a case of when than if. I feel so mad and manic right now, so low and hellbent on self harm and death it’s unreal. But then again so is “life”. 

  5. 2 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

    I discovered something just yesterday which applies to this.  Jay Shetty is from Britain but became a monk in India.  Then he returned to western society to apply what he learned to our chaos.  In a video he referred to a quote he learned.  As best I can remember it ....  "Detachment is not that you own nothing.  It is that nothing owns you."   💡

    Makes perfect sense. 

    Next step is to become detached.. 

  6. Another thing entirely is that "you can change your life" is also missing the point, at least in my instance.

    After 50 + years one has "been around the block", so to speak. Not saying I have done everything, seen everything etc. But I have experienced enough to know what is possible and what isn't. The options available to me are of no interest to me.

    Neither am I interested in the world anymore, let alone people. Humanity is a screw up from the start. All we do is cause problems and stay stupid(because that is what we truly are, stupid and incapable of seeing what the price of our existance is to the planet. Instead we vote for the trumps and keep the putins and bojo's in power because we are too lazy to find out s hit for ourselves. If someone yells something loud enough, he has to be right, right??

    I am just tired of life. Period. And it's time to leave.

  7. 29 minutes ago, Atra said:

    Not necessarily based solely on diagnostical definitions. I have opinions about psychology but I think better to discuss those elsewhere.

    I used the wording "mental health condition" to refer to emotional states and thought patterns that are causing distress and getting in the way - of a life worth living. However you define that, I think wishing for death is the opposite. 

    I don't believe thoughts are inherently good or bad nor are feelings, how we act on them can cause problems. 

    It seems to me that patterns of thought influence the way in which we view ourselves which in turn can affect our mood. Our mood can affect our behavior. I find it useful and revealing to examine all of these but as I'm unable to do so alone with any true objectivity, I seek partners. 

    Actually I couldn’t agree with you more. Spot on.

    Yet there is more going on in any given life experience than moods, thoughts and feelings. There are also the circumstances, past and present, that influence how we think, experience and feel.

    And it’s in the face of insurmountable circumstances and banging our heads against proverbial brick walls, however much we accept our circumstances and change our outlooks on life and our perceptions,  we reach critical mass and collapse. 

    Indeed this is what I HAVE been doing most of my life. I have changed my outlook, tried to see my “failures” as challenges and accept the lot that is my life.

    It’s all well and good to attempt to change our outlook to see obstacles and mistakes in life as opportunities to “grow” as human beings. But everyone has their limits. At some point some of us just break and realize the obvious. This all there is and it won’t get any better. Some of us just can’t accept that. Some of us don’t see life as worth the effort any more.

     

  8. 2 hours ago, Atra said:

    Ha! I think that sounds like a great idea for the back of t-shirt, wonder what would be written on the front? 

    What I've felt, what I've known never shined through in what I've shown

    Ah, Metallica. 

    or

    If I could have my wasted days back
     Would I use them to get back on track?

  9. 1 hour ago, Atra said:

    I'd never attempt to diagnose or claim that yes, you do have a specific mental health condition. I'm skeptical of the quote above because from reading your posts here, you seem quite preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and that's definitely a true feature of a mental health condition. You Express everyday negative thinking and persistent feelings of being a failure and letting yourself or others down, that's another feature. 

    Ah. This. Based on what though? What psychiatry/psychology says of us? Why is one thought better than another? Why is one action better than an other?

    I don’t believe that any given thought or “adverse behavior” is a basis for mental health issue per se. It boils down to what society deems as “normal” and “moral”. After all, the way we define psychopathology has changed during the odd couple of hundered of years psychiatry has existed as we know it. In the past few decades even more so thanks to the questionable marriage of psychiatry and pharmaceutical enterprises.

    I don’t think that self destruction is necessarily a sign psychopathology. Any given society defines it’s values, morals, ethics. I don’t believe they are universal “truths” we all sort of adhere to and those that don’t are automatically somehow challenged in the mental health department. 

     

     

  10. Oh sorry @Atra I also meant point out that as to deserving compassion..as much as the next person I suppose.

    I just don't feel entitled to be posting like I do on df..because I am a typical case of "first world disgruntlement".

    Unlike most on df, my "problems" are small ones compared to people who have real problems, crippling them, making it hard to function at all.

    I am fully functional. To the outside world I have nothing"a batch of pills and common sense" or "stiff upper lip" wouldn't sort out..

    Perhaps they are justified thinking that way. Perhaps all  I am is an idle, complacent old git who harbors a grudge for no particular reason towards the rest of the world out of sheer spite.

  11. 6 hours ago, Atra said:

    Your emotional states, the hitherto unsuccessful treatments for mood disorder - these are obstacles. Why are you undeserving of any compassion?

    "It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job."

    ❤️ This. You "yeah, but..." some of the negativity you were spewing.

    My point being, the little good in my life is not enough to make a difference in my life. After all, all I have ever done is compromise in every department of my life, constant settling with whatever, whoever will have me. To the extent I haven’t a clue anymore have I in fact ever wanted anything? If I did, I haven’t a clue what. “Floating through life since the sixties”. Haha like a really bad slogan for a product..

    The thing is, I show no true features of any mental health issues. It’s all borderline “maybe”. Not that I actually believe half of what we are told about mental health or lack thereall. To much of it based on dodgy chemistry and other dodgier theorization.  Even when I experienced burnout, I was still energetic and I didn’t “collapse” in the conventional sense.

    The only fact concerning my mental health was in fact burn out 15 odd years ago. Even that was probably caused to a large extent by idiopathic insomnia which was only diagnosed at the time, but of course frustration, stress and exhaustion as well.

  12. Just like to add my two cents..or pence.. as to who is at risk, according to WHO. 
     

    If I understood correctly one is more at risk for severe symptoms at an age of 60 or above and /or with an underlying disease.

    As to over 40’s, I quote:

    “..and those with underlying medical conditions (such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, chronic respiratory disease, and cancer). The risk of severe disease gradually increases with age starting from around 40 years.”

    (CORONAVIRUS DISEASE 2019, SITUATION REPORT 51, WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION)

    So if you are in basic good health without any of the aforementioned underlying diseases and you don’t smoke and under sixty(in my neck of the woods they say 70 but better to be on the safe side) you shouldn’t be at higher risk.


    Keep safe, don’t take unnecessary risks and wash your hands, boys and girls, you’ll all do just fine.

    :hugs:(they should have an elbow greeting emoticon.. this is actually politically incorrect under the circumstances..haha)

  13. 55 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

    Apropos of nothing, I like your background picture above. 

    Ah.

    It's a detail from an illustration from Dante's "Divine Comedy", the Ninth Circle of Hell I believe, by Gustave Dore. The Ninth circle was the "traitor's "circle(I think).

    I would be in the seventh circle.

    That's for the violent ones. Suicides etc.

    I don't believe hell is place you end up in when you die. It's a state of mind in the here and now.

    When you are dead you are dead.

     

     

  14. No more champagne
    And the fireworks are through
    Here we are, me and you
    Feeling lost and feeling blue
    It's the end of the party
    And the morning seems so grey
    So unlike yesterday
    Now's the time for us to say
    Happy New Year
    Happy New Year
    May we all have a vision now and then
    Of a world where every neighbor is a friend
    Happy New Year
    Happy New Year
    May we all have our hopes, our will to try
    If we don't we might as well lay down and die
    You and I
    Sometimes I see
    How the brave new world arrives
    And I see how it thrives
    In the ashes of our lives
    Oh yes, man is a fool
    And he thinks he'll be okay
    Dragging on, feet of clay
    Never knowing he's astray
    Keeps on going anyway
    Happy New Year
    Happy New Year
    May we all have a vision now and then
    Of a world where every neighbor is a
    Abba- Happy New Year
  15. On 12/29/2019 at 6:18 PM, Gisele said:

    S,

    Fewer things have mattered more to my recovery than the double helix of well-being and purpose. Whether it is reasoning with it in a historical sense or being intimate with it in an evolutionary sense, those knots and entanglements are the fundament of what we are, what we might be and the shape of how we might get there. 

    How well we understand others is how well we understand the same place in others. I think that is why I tend to gravitate toward blogs more than the forums. Blogs tend to illuminate this so much better. 

    Can I ask, have yo ever envied those with a clear purpose if that meant a shift in your moral compass? Before an older life and this one, I wondered all the time. Would it be better to help and also risk harm, or to just give up. Sometimes it does scare me what I might have chosen to do instead.

    I have been struck before by your carving for a purpose. I truly hope that counts for something because I am sure you could do a good many good things 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I'd settle with purpose to be honest. Well-being..I am not even sure what it means any more as I doubt everything and every meaning of everything... Haha.

    Part of the problem if you can even call it a problem is the realization that I have, in effect, lived in a lie. I have lied to myself all my life.  I want this or that, I want to spend time with these people or doing whatever. In fact It would seem my whole life is fundamentally skewed. As to why I haven't done anything according to my true feelings or inclinations..I am lacking in that respect. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I have never known. I seem to be  a set of biological functions and that's about it.

    Now I stand at a junction of what was, The Lie and the road of emptiness (more lies?),  or perhaps my True North. If it even exists.

     

     

     

  16. ...Ahem..just wanted to say that though all the above is true enough, I tend to go overk ill when my mind goes on a tangent breaking orbit into the great unknown.. and I am truly sorry for the negative outbursts. Sorry @Depressedgurl007. You deserve better than my puerile explosion.

    Season's greetings and all that. I mean it boys and girls, I hope next year will be better for all of us.

  17. 10 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

    I’m sorry. I can’t imagine being in your shoes cos when I’m tired I manage to push those thoughts away. Thoughts that life is pointless. Because it is. And the reality of it can be very overwhelming. And then I think about getting old and the thoughts just get worse because gawd how many more years of this can I take 😞  

    I have suffered from burnout and exhaustion back in the day. But you know what? 

    I don't think I have ever been TIRED. 

    I can't turn off, in any sense. I am in constant stress, fight or flight, whatever it's called. "Relax" is a word like kngtonckdjhrddqqqwe. Makes about as much sense.   I haven't a clue what being relaxed feels like. 

    I CAN'T F UCKING STOP.

    Neither my mind and sometimes neither my body.

    Death is the only way out. The only way to stop this broken, pointless machine.

     

  18. I can't not think, as I said. 

    21 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

     

    “Stop overthinking”. Gah I dunno maybe you can try that..go out more to places without humans.. Go out n take control of your body n tire out your body so your mind don’t think so much about things you can’t control. Just telling you what my chairman said, so you can give it a try if you have not already 😛 I mean old people overthink I know..since you are already “overthinking” now, can you imagine how your mind will become when we are old O_O

    I do all that. I exercise. I read. I have a semblance of a life. But you know what? It changes nothing. My life, all life is pointless. And I cannot see past that.

    The stuff I "can change" means squat in the grand scheme of things(not that a "grand scheme of things" even exists).

    "Change the way you think, if you can't change your circumstances".

    WTFF??

    For me, that's about as intelligable as saying:

    Tó emón aeròstromnon enkheleíōn plērés estin.

    (My hovercraft is full of eels,  in Greek, apparently).

    As far as I can see, life is pointless and for some of us..well, we just aren't even meant to be here other than perhaps as an example as as to how fu cked up people can be. F uck that.

    I have no intention of living to be old(er). If life sucks now, I can only imagine what it's like, not able to move around, being frail and not being able to do a damn thing about it. 

    I just want it to be over. 

  19. 56 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

    Absolutely fascinating. Something I need to ponder for a bit (a long bit, given my slow thought process). 

    If you are anything like me you are just getting the wrong kind of nourishment for your mind. 

    Some of us are wired differently.

    Nothing slow with your thinking process, jd. Ponder away if you find anything I write worthy of your attention..

     

    Though chances are all I wrote is complete bollocks. Haha. 

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