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samadhiSheol

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Blog Entries posted by samadhiSheol

  1. samadhiSheol
    Very early 80's.
    I began experiencing first hand what life was really about. 
    You have to fend for yourself, at the very least learn to dodge when the s hit starts hitting the fan.
    Bullied at school. Realizing I wasn't really smart after all. I wasn't good at anything. In fact I pretty much sucked at everything at school. But not enough that anyone would have been concerned.
    Me? I was doing my best to avoid being bullied. Doing my best to just survive in classes of incomprehensible math, languages, school in general.
    School and study never made much sense, to be honest. 
    God I hated being a teenager. 
    My only solace was music and 
    Dreams. 
    Kraftwerk was one of the early soundtracks of my life, my dreams, what I wanted to achieve. 
    I dreamt of space travel, theoretical physics, black holes, hyperspace and astronomy. I thought Einstein, Schrodinger, Hawking. 
    Oh and girls of course. A lot of dreams. Haha. 
    I listened to "Neon Lights" just a moment ago and realized I was crying. 
    I suddenly remembered my dreams vividly. I remembered what I hoped I'd become, what I hoped I would do. I remembered what I felt, how I felt. Alone and lost. But I had my dreams. 
    Dashed dreams, as they turned out. 
    Shimmering neon lights. 
     
  2. samadhiSheol

    Ministry - Angel

    By samadhiSheol,

    1990 or so. Two weeks of traveling with a female friend in Southern Europe, a Mediterranean Island. Seriously we were "just" friends but.. 
    We sort of bonded there, in the space of two weeks, we were soul mates, intimate even.
    Magic in the air. We went to the movies and saw Disney's Pinoccio in a smoke-stained, run-down art-deco cinema.  We cried a bit, both of us  as we had seen it as kids as our first movie in the cinema.
    We talked so much. Laughed so much. We had way too much wine and cappuccinos. 
    Everytime I listen to Ministry's Twitch-album, especially the" Angel"-track I think of all those cappuccinos with her and how awesome life felt.
     That is what I had on my Walkman. A 90 min, TDK c-casette of Ministry. Ministry hit my sweet spot back in the day. 
    God I miss her. I miss that magic period of my life. 
     
    "Now is an angel there?

    One left out
    When they passed heaven about
    What about me
    Sitting here in my purgatory".. 
  3. samadhiSheol
    It was only recently I realized why I liked this track so much. 
    I never really understood the lyrics, indeed this is my experience with a lot of songs I like. 
    But even back in the 80's this resonated:
    "Memories crash on tireless waves
    The lifeguards whom the winter saves" 
    It would appear I am a sucker for nostalgia. I. E. a fixation on a  past that never truly was. 
    I recall not so much any actual incidents from my past, but more my hopes, dreams and thoughts I (may have) had at the time. 
    Awesome track though, whatever I erraneously might remember. 
     
    Does anyone read these blogs and I don't mean just mine? 
    No matter. I will probably come back to them at some point and be either extremely embarrassed or nostalgic. 
    Haha. 
     
  4. samadhiSheol
    Must have been 1993 or 1994.
    I was sitting in a bar on a Friday evening  with a (girl) friend, we weren't an item or anything(though I believe at the time I secretly wanted to be an item with this Liz Taylor lookalike friend of mine but I digress).
    Suddenly she said:"I want that too", referring to the song playing on the bar soundsystem. 
     
     
  5. samadhiSheol

    Katabasis

    By samadhiSheol,

    .. Is the mythical journey to and through the underworld. 
    That is where I am now. 
    Years back I voluntarily decided to make the journey and in true Dantean form, meet my Dead. It was out of necessity as my life didn't make any sense. It still doesn't, but now I am in sheol/gehanna/Hades/hell and I don't suppose it's suppose to until I have made my peace with my Dead. And retain what I have misplaced. 
    Churchill once said(might be apocryphal) :
    "If you are going through hell, keep going" 
    And I suppose that makes sense. Because in all the "katabasis" myths(katabasis literally means "going down") there is the imminent danger of being trapped there for all eternity, if one enters before one's time. 
    Sometimes I think it's my destiny to be there. Sometimes, like now, I see myself, like Dante's Virgil, in one of the outer circles of hell. Or like Orpheus, to bring back his wife Eurypides. 
    A part of me has ended up there a long time ago, and I have to get the missing bit back. Only then can I make the Ascend, the anabasis. 
    Right now though, it would seen I am destined to stay there. 
     
  6. samadhiSheol

    Weathercock

    By samadhiSheol,

    I was meaning to post a blog about the magical headspace I sometimes enter. Not nearly as frequently as I would like! 
     
    I would have told you how wistful, but wonderful it was to pass a closed amusement park in the evening dusk, how the lights shone through all the barbershops, hairdressers, pubs, restaurants and antique shops along one of my “old haunts” of a time long gone by. And how lonely it also feels being immersed in magic because..
    Instead I will tell you how watching the news and reading a few posts on Facebook took me out of the magic and back into the land of fake, news, bigotry and plain stupidity.
    It never lasts does it. And in my case, it can change like the wind. Just when I got the compass directed to the general vicinity of my True North(or something resembling it), I suddenly find everything going south. South has been the direction I have been going for years now. I can’t get myself to back track, for the simple reason that I am completely lost on my cataclysmic dive South. 
     
    I am incapable  of holding on to the promise of finding my way in life. I have only caught glimpses of what my world might be if I could find my true north. I have been told how strong I am, but it would seem that either my strength is completely corrupted or that I am not that strong after all.
    Perhaps some of us just don’t have any sense of direction.
     
  7. samadhiSheol
    I think about ending this pathetic existence all the time, well, often anyhow.
    I see a fcked up world and no way to make it any better. I sure as  hell can't. I am stuck in being my mediocre, impotent self.
    I hate myself. I hate the fact I can't LIVE. I am just existing, I can see nothing worth doing. I have never lived. I see nothing in this world as worth the effort.
    The thing is, I don't think I have ever wanted to do anything. I have no dreams or aspirations, no talents or interests.I don't think I ever have.
    I just want out of the pitiful, pointless life.
    But I am also a coward. I can't pull the proverbial trigger so I stay stuck in the hell they call life.
     
    I wish I could end it now. I wish I had ended this hell long ago. I wish this was good bye. I really do.
  8. samadhiSheol
    I found this title on one of the martial arts orientated Youtube- channels I follow."Should I give up my black belt?" 
    I have asked myself the same question, as I have a black belt in jujutsu. I have given jujutsu up for the time being, too many tendon issues etc. But I do some kickboxing a few times a week. Or whenever I can give a flying f.. 
    My reasoning  for giving up the black belt is entirely different  than the person who initially asked the question on the YouTube - channel. His 'problem' was the fact he always talked himself out of dangerous confrontational situations(!!??,) feeling emasculated because of fear etc. 
    The host, Ramsey Dewey, a mma fighter and all around martial arts guy with a voice that equals Morgan Freeman in sheer Presence, said, the best thing one CAN do is avoid physical altercations always when possible. And of course I agree. 110%. Fighting because one thinks he will lose face if he doesn't, is about as lame as it gets. 
    With me though, the black belt issue.. Well, I just always felt.. Inadequate for want of a better expression. Not worthy of the black belt. I have never felt truly confident. Not at martial arts or anything else either. (I have a bad case of imposter syndrome and self doubt).
    Truth be told I probably COULD handle myself if push ever came to shove, but like the o. p in the Ramsey Dewey podcast, I walk away in the rare cases I am even close to something like that. And though at times I obsess about feeling like a coward, I know at least I haven't put anyone into hospital. Or ended up in one!! 
    But it was something else entirely that stopped me in my largely aimless tracks. He was talking of the meaning of " ju-jitsu" and I know too it translates to the soft art, or as he said the 'art of yielding'. 
    And when he said that, he looked at the camera(it felt like he was looking right at me) and continued saying we don't answer to force with force, we yield to it, making it go around us, THROUGH us, without it actually touching us. 
    Now, this stuff about the meaning jujutsu I have known since day one, but it struck me that this all applies to EVERYTHING that is at odds with you. Depression, circumstance, crappy job, whatever. 
    Fighting crap with sheer force head on rarely if ever leads to a benevolent, satisfactory outcome. But doing psychic judo might just work. It just made perfect sense. 
    So all I have to do now, is spar with myself, practise yielding, letting the force, whatever it is confronting me, to pass. 
    Psychic sparring time, ladies and gents. 
     
     
  9. samadhiSheol

    Ur hekau

    By samadhiSheol,

    ".. Cause Magic isn't a" ding an sich", just casually out there, to be used and exploited..Magic is not a force, just laying around."
     
    She sipped at the glass of riesling I had poured her. 
     
    "Magic is INVOLVEMENT. Magic can be a place, an object, an act, a thought, or even a dream.. Magic can be anything you want it to be, but only someone who has ATTACHMENT and INVOLVEMENT can "create" magic. Magic can be a ritual act in the Crowleyan sense too.. Not that Thelema, ritual magic or masonic imagery ever truly interested me, you know. Each to their own I guess. Haha. "
     
    She paused and looked towards the vineyard through the window, the vineyard declined down the slope of the mountain, the city opened out at the bottom of the valley. 
     
    "Magic is ad hoc, a spur of the moment thing most of the time, yet ALSO Eternal." 
     
    She sighed. 
     
    ".. I truly believe  there is beauty in the Mathematics of Chaos, in the Eye of the Storm, in the disarray and confusion that is the human existence.. No, Magic isn't a rigid structure. You can't force magic, DO magic according to certain sets of rules.. Magic is spontaneous, Magic is serendipity, Magic is.. "
     
    She suddenly looked at me with her grey/blue/green fiatlux eyes and smiled radiantly.
     
    " My Magic is with you my Love. It is in the places we love. It is in the past,  present and future. It is with you, whatever we do, wherever we are. when you take my hand, when you kiss me.." 
     
    She grabbed and squeezed my hand over the table then and continued:
     
    "The electricity or should I say 'eldritchicity' was there when we met that first time a year ago, when, completely out of character, I asked if I could sit at your table in that obscure pub.." 
     
    "You were reading Tristram Shandy and I sensed the connection between us immediately. (I mean, who even thinks of reading 'The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman' nowadays?? And you were so adorably shy!)" 
     
    "I offered to buy you a glass of wine as your glass was nearly empty and the magic hit me the second time when I realized the drop dead gorgeousness that was you, whom I had dared to interrupt (And it was the Fire burning so brightly within you I sensed, besides your rugged good looks!) blushed and said yes please.."
     
    "Magic happens from within, lyubov moya, I can't stress this enough, but perhaps after all Magic is also" out there".. Perhaps magic is the true fabric of the Cosmos...Ha! There! The answer to the cosmic conundrum that is dark energy.."
     
    "Magic permeates all, Magic reaches out for people like you, and me too I guess, people who are Receptive, who have the capacity and the will to reach out too.. Oh my god! Is this really our second bottle?"
     
     She giggled and continued:
     
    " Don't get me wrong, EVERYONE has access to Magic.. But sometimes they don't realize it, sometimes.. No, MOST times people are spiritually, mentally and physically constipated.. With life in general.. God knows I was too, back in the day.. Until I realized, walking down one of my favourite streets in Josefstadt, that I want to share my love. My love of this amazing city I live in now, share the potential love I feel for the world.. The Love I would share with someone special.."
     
    " I WILL MEET YOU. Was the thought, the vision I had."
     
       "Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law" made perfect sense( Though pretty much of the rest of Crowley doesn't.. Haha!) . I WILL meet him.. I WILL meet you.. And I did. Kick in the eye. Satori. Magic."
     
    " So Magic is also INTENTION . But the only meaningful intention or indeed any meaningful act is one made in LOVE."
     
    My Goddess finished her glass of riesling. 
     
    " Magic IS Love, and now I want you to take me home, zvezda moya. I want to make more Magick with you... "
     
    And Magick we made.
  11. samadhiSheol
    I have nothing to say anymore.

    “This clock shows only mythical hours
    These books show only fictional days
    One system is only as good as another

    I don't think you're listening
    I think I'll tell you again
    I just thought you'd like to know”
     
    Comsat Angels - Postcard
  12. samadhiSheol
    When is life not worth living?
    I seem to repeat myself on df. I am tired of myself. Tired being me, whatever that means, whoever “me” is.
    When life is alien to you, when nothing is authentic, you don’t feel real, what is the point?
    When you have asked yourself since  you were 11 or so, is anything I feel, see or think, real? When everything is empty and void of meaning. When the emptiness is all there is. When you enter your 50’s and still feel as if you are no one doing f uck all with your life? When life feels pointless?
    when a life examined still feels empty?
     
    I don’t think there is meaning to life. I don’t think life is worth the effort. My take on Nothingness.
  13. samadhiSheol

    Of Crap and Men

    By samadhiSheol,

    My blogs are crap.
    All I am doing is spewing out the malady, the emptiness and futility that are the basic elements of my very essence. Other than that there is nothing. 
    Moving on..
     
    I have no aspirations or dreams. I have no skill sets to put in to use. No interests to pursue. My attempts to study(they are legion and have amounted to absolutely nothing) have shown to me that I will never amount to much. I drift through life aimlessly.
    I have had anger issues most of my life, I have a negative outlook on life and I don't like myself. I probably have GAD (though I take all things DSM-5 or -x or whatever with a pinch of salt).
    I am over 50 and I see no change to any of this in the future. I have been called intelligent, but I beg to differ. I f I am, my "intelligence" has done sweet f uck all in improving myself or my life.
    Hope, you say? "you never know what tomorrow will bring".
    No I don't, but I can make an educated guess. More of the same or worse.. That is what life has taught me.
    Besides, I don't even know what to hope for. I am empty in this respect too. I don't know what hope feels like. I don't really know what happinesss feels like, at least the unreserved kind.
    Oh and I have been told I over-think everything. How does one "under-think"???? Or think "enough"? I could probably "under-think"  by drowning myself in alcohol, porn, social media or whatnot but that's unadvisable, isn't it? Anyhow I feel a crushing weight of guilt even on the best of days and if I do indulge, so to speak I feel like dying from remorse afterwards. Not because I feel "I have sinned", but because I was so effing WEAK to give in. More yetzer hara than Original Sin but I digress.
    I beat myself a lot, you know. In my view it's all justified.
    I could probably deal with all of this though, if I had a decent job (all my  jobs have been boring dead-end low-pay jobs), something that could pay my way AND be nice to do.
    Because lets face it, spending 8-10 hours five or six times a week on average of your life on something that doesn't satisfy you to the least and barely covers your costs, it will eat you from within. It has done that to me once and I am on route for a second major break down.
    I have all the symptoms of burnout and now with this virus bs, I feel more hopeless than ever. I thought that hopelssness was a fixed state.The absence of hope, pure and simple. I had no idea it could get even worse.
    The world Post-COVID-19 will be a world of more uncertainty, probable global economic depresson and more unrest, mass unemployment and countries will fold in onto themselves in fear of more outside threats...More nationalism and despotism...
    Rant.
    We all know the trope "money won't solve your problems", "or money won't make you happy". Of course money can't address the emptiness and meaninglessness of life but money can go a long way to make life easier so that you have the time and (lets face it folks, we need money for decent therapy) money to pay your bills without worrying about next month.
    .Not that money will make much difference if we fall into an economic depression like in the 1920'-30s...
    Sorry, ranting again.
    It all boils down to what one considers a life worth living.  I don't believe life has intrinsic value. That's our job to do, both on a personal or collective leve,l to give life meaning. I have failed at this too.
    My life is worth living if certain conditions are met. I must point out, I am speaking of myself, I am not entiltled to make these kinds of judgments about anyone else. No one is.
    But I can't understand how people survive stuff like holocausts, poverty, torture, wars, oppression. You see people, if that would happen to me, I would end my life immediately. Because life isn't worth living in conditions like that, imho.
    If there is sweet f.a you can do about it, "changing what you can" doesn't help one bit. Not from where I stand anyhow. COVID-19 might be turning point for me.
    Ok, this just me spewing crap, but this is how I have felt my entire life. Reading Viktor Frankl, for example(we are told to look into Frankl's "Man's search for meaning" if one is trying to figure out what the fff we are supposed to do on this sad planet) made no sense to me at all. In fact it just fortified my view I have had for a long time now.
    We are emphatically not the same, us humans. We think differently, we talk differently, we react differently. Our temperments also define in part as to how we react. People DID k ill themselves in death camps or Nazi Regime of WWII. Not everyone had hope to hang on.
    For some hope is an absolute not unlike the concept of god. For some, it is more of a question of critical mass. Give certain types of people enough hell in their lives, they will succumb to despair and lose the capability of hoping. 
    It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job.
    So yes, gratitude. I am grateful(at least I try to be) for what I have. But it doesn't change anything. I still hate my job, I am still wasting away, Becoming bitter and even more angry and hopeless about the future.
     
    I just think this party is over and I haven't really enjoyed it. And perhaps I can't stand parties at all and when they get crappy enough it's exit time.
     
     
     
     
     
     
  14. samadhiSheol

    Hell

    By samadhiSheol,

    ..is when you realize life is empty and void of reason. When you fail time and time again to give any reason to your existence. And realize the effort, any effort, is pointless.
     
    ..is when you want to end your life but are too much of a pu ssy to do it.
     
  15. samadhiSheol

    Perv-spective

    By samadhiSheol,

    Red pill/Blue pill. Matrix. Deja vu. I’m sure I have written about this before. Oh well. Rinse and repeat.

    It wasn’t so much the actual movie as the concept of questioning reality.
    When is life (not) worth living? What “reality” do we live in?
    You see boys and girls, I can only see things in terms of Big Picture. The minutiae of life are actually lost to me. The details. Don’t. Interest me. Cause that is where the devil is.
    Once you have seen the world/life/existence from a certain perspective, there’s no turning back.

    Unless you take the appropriate pill.
    I’ll reiterate my question: what “reality” do we live in?
  16. samadhiSheol
    I pretty much said it all in the title.
    I am a misanthropic miserable old pessimist and I see no reason to change my take of things life or people.
    The thing is though, I have even more of a problem with myself. I see nothing worth saving in my self and I am at a loss as to what kind of person I could even like(as myself or anyone else for that matter). 
    Yet I keep wondering, could there still be something out there to make all this ..living worth while. But I don't even know what it could look like.
    None of the usual suspects like silencing the critical and deprecative self talk, loving yourself, forgiving yourself and self acceptance, the biggest question mark of all, make any kind of sense whatatsoever. 
    I don't know how to be kind to myself. I see no reason to and I don't really know what it even means. I feel like I lie to myself and to everyone else too most of the time as I can't truly relate to anyone  or anything else. People mystify me but not in an intriguing way. 
    I see myself as the same too. Within there appears to be absolutely nothing at all. Just something I have no interest in. 
    What can I do? What is the point in existing this way?
    This isn't life. This is like being a walking dead.
  17. samadhiSheol
    I've been angry and bitter  most of my life. I don't live, I just exist. I have come to realize I don't like other people much either. I despise myself and humanity in general.
    I have felt like this as long as I remember. I don't think life is worth the effort, I don't think I have ever felt anything really worth the effort. 
    I have just floated through existence. I feel no pull to anything, no passion for anything. I feel more alive than dead. 
    If it wasn't for this anger and penchant for selfpunishment I would probably just implode out of sheer emptiness, which is my true essence.
    Life is pointless.
  18. samadhiSheol

    Earth died screaming

    By samadhiSheol,

    "..Well, hell doesn't want you, and heaven is full
    Bring me some water, put it in this skull
    I walk between the raindrops, I wait in bug house square
    And the army ants, they leave nothin' but the bones
    Tom Waits - Earth died screaming
     
    That's how I feel right now.
    That we are all, in effect, dead. That the Magic that should be Life is lost to the baseness of human nature. Or to the nothingness that is the only existence.
    Or perhaps it's just me. The magic is lost because I'm actually dead already. I never really existed in the first place. Lack of presence. 
     
    "My love is lost and far away.
    My love is lost  like yesterday"
    Virgin Prunes- Come to Daddy
    Another quote from a song that I can relate to completely.
    All I have left are memories I can't even trust. Memories of the void. Of someone/something that never existed in the first place.
     
     
     
     
     
  19. samadhiSheol
    Meaninglessness. Nothing I do means anything to me. Nothing I see around me, happening to me to the world..none of it really means anything to me.
    you know when they say how we should see the good in humanity, ourselves etc. I question the whole notion of good and bad. 
    Why is something good and why is it bad? Why are not our thoughts, feelings and notions not TRULY US? (That is what we are being told when we are” depressed”: “no it’s not you, it’s depression/you mental disorder of choice speaking. “ “You inner critic telling you lies”, ad nauseam..
    What if constant emptiness tells you time and time again, nothing you do changes anything? When you stay stuck whatever you do or think, or say or act?
    On who’s authority are we to believe that our thoughts aren’t “ours”? 
    Why is one thought supposed to be better than another? On who’s authority, I ask again? 
    What if all our religions, sciences, arts etc. actually don’t tell anything about the world or “reality” around us at all, but are just narratives, campfire stories we tell ourselves, that tell us more about our(empty)selves and absolutely nothing about anything else?
    Who am I? Who is anyone? Is consciousness just an illusion? Is life just a mechanism, without any meaning in the sense we think about “meaning”? Perhaps there is no ”my/your/ourselves.
    And what is “meaning” anyhow???? What is anything?
    And more to the point
    why?
     
     
    Emptiness is more real than anything else. Emptiness is ever present.
    Life is..I can only speak for myself but my “life” is a pointless illusion and from my standpoint, so is everyone else’s.
  20. samadhiSheol
    The scales have been dropping before my eyes and I see clearer than ever.
    It's not that I suddenly lost interest in stuff like living, your job, wife, kids, day to day..
    I have never been interested with the mundane in the first place. I realized a while back, that as I tried desperately to find a "reference group" in my youth, people I have something in common with, I lost a bit of myself. Later on I was desperately looking for someone. To share my life with. To not feel so .. isolated. I lost myself.
     So all I did was lose myself completely, if there ever was a "myself" to begin with in the first place. Disatisfaction and disconnection are my lot in life.
    When people talk to me of how the cost of living has risen, or how tomatoes taste better in Italy or whatever, I am thinking why the atomic model maybe fundamentally flawed, or perhaps why chaos magic is a better than ritual magic, how language and culture  can make our perception of so-called reality mutual exclusive...etc.
    I am never on the same page as orher people. Hell, it's a completely different book.
    Sometimes I am not there at all.
    Who the f uck are you, people??
     
    More to the point, who and where the f uck am I?
  21. samadhiSheol

    Oblique Strategies

    By samadhiSheol,

    I have been reading a book on Brian Eno, who some may know from his Roxy Music- days back in the early 70's. He has always intrigued me, as a musician/producer/impressario/polymath with his hands in all aspects of music(making).
    The book is called "Oblique Music", which gets it's name from Both the artist Peter Schmidt's and Eno's idea of "Oblique Strategies" which eventually consisted of a hundred of so cards with short sentences, aphorisms and suggestions if you will, to break an artistic imapsse, or "artist's block". They were to be used a bit like the I-Ching (an ancient Chinese divining system), or Tarot.
    Fascinating to say the least. I foung a website that will give you a "strategy". Now, I am not in a musical impasse, but" impasse" could be my middle name, so I just loved the one the "oblique strategy" generator gave me just five minutes ago:
    "Remove specifics and convert to ambiguties". It made perfect sense.
     
    Another favorite of mine is
    "Your mistake is a hidden intention."
    I think there is a lesson in that for all of us.
  23. samadhiSheol

    Futility and void

    By samadhiSheol,

    The meaning of (my) life or lack thereof.
    Every single answer seems to miss the point. Not that there really is answer to the "meaning of life". 
    NOTHING makes sense to me. Nothing seems real. Nothing speaks to me. Everything just begs for the additional question:"But Why????"
    The thing is, I need a reason. I need a why. Because without that, I might as well be dead. In fact I AM dead. 
    Life, just doesn't stand to any kind of scrutiny. 
    "So stop (over) thinking".
    You might as well say stop breathing. 
    All I am doing is contemplating the unrelenting void sucking whatever is left of whatever I am.  And that is all I am. This futility of a person.
    And this constant emptiness, the void and futility that is me, ladies and gentlemen, is pushing me beyond no return. 
  24. samadhiSheol
    I stumbled upon god this morning.
    I was reading Kingsley Amis' "The Green Man" and though it is (and indeed all of the Amis -"senior" novels I have read are) pretty much about the inanities and shortcomings of us humans, there is also a sense of profound thought in the novels. Not too unlike Iris Murdock, actually. IMHO. But I digress.
    Anyhow, the protagonist is riddled with mysterious and ghostly apparitions throughout the novel and eventually he apparently meets god.
    It was then it struck me.
    Now anyone who has read my wall-of-text rants on df knows my head is full of haphazard thoughts and perceptions. I can't control any of it and I am indeed overwhelmed most of the time. Apparently I don't have the same capability for "filtering" perceptions, thoughts and feelings like so-called normal people(do they even exist?). But sometimes, like this morning, something within the chaos that is my mind made perfect sense. In this instance I realized what god was.
    I can't really explain it. What I do know is what god isn't. God has little to do with our notion of god according to any of the main, institutional religions of the world. Existence in the way we say something exists (or doesn't) doesn't apply. We are god. The world is god. "Satan" is god. The neighbour's cat is god. But I think god is also a question of "esse est percipi", or "perception is existence". God exists not in our certainties or even our doubts, but in our minds and perceptions, when we are in line with our thoughts and feelings, conscious and unconscious. In the now. In the past/future.
    I don’t know… satori?
    Our minds tend to work in an either/or mode. There is little in the between that the world recognizes or indeed we do in our nine to five, social media ridden world we live in. But it would seem truth is sometimes within the cracks, the in-betweens in our "either/or" minds. In the spaces between existence and void.
    And please take my usage of “truth with a pinch of salt. I don’t think absolutes like truth, objectivity and especially dogma apply at all.
    The same applies to my usage of the word “god”. As far as I am concerned “god” is, as the Taoists would say, unknowable, unspeakable.
    My “truth” may differ radically from anyone else’s and that is completely acceptable. In fact, the distinctiveness of each and everyone’s perceptions and “truth” makes more sense than any given consensus. What could possibly be the point in everyone thinking the same way? (Perhaps there isn’t a point as I keep saying, haha).
     Other than control, dominance and power of course.
    While all of this was going on in my head, I was also questioning the possibility of being beyond help, or redemption. And the only answer I could think of was that it is up to each of us respectively to recognize within ourselves the ability to gain redemption- or not. No one can say yes, absolutely you can be saved, you can get “better”. Only YOU can decide for yourself.
    As to myself, I don’t know. Finding “god” hasn’t really changed anything.
    If I am an “aspect” of god, doesn’t this mean that god, at least this aspect of “godhead”, is as clueless?
    Actually, that makes perfect sense.
  25. samadhiSheol
    I have mentioned this before, I believe.
    One of my first memories was the Apollo 11 mission, Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, June 1969. To be honest, I probably didn't see it live nor really remember it at the time.  But my first long standing "what do you want to be when you grow up" - dream was to be an astronaut. To see the stars "up there", perhaps the rings of Saturn too and a galaxy or three á la Star Trek, cause surely we would be there by 2001!!
    I would remember Aldrin or Armstrong moonwalking. The real deal not the Michael Jackson version. Haha. 
    "I'll be doing that someday".
    That was the thought I held onto until reality dashed my dreams into a million pieces when I was a teen. 
    I realized I hadn't the clout either mentally or physically to ever be even considered on a future moon mission or whatever. Then there was the school bullying too, which pretty much crushed any little self esteem or confidence I still had left in me.
    Later on, fast forward 10 years or so more I realized I wouldn't even get a college degree in physics or math. I just couldn't get my head around any of it. I couldn't get my head around anything. I am that stupid. If for nothing else then dreaming. 
    Then there was the disillusionment of the 80's and 90's when I realized humanity wasn't interested in actually making a future. It was obsessed with making money, keeping hold of it and in effect creating a new dark age of fossil fuels and disinformation, which has continued to this day. I also realized the whole "race to space" thing  of the 1960's was fueled by cold war politics and striving to being the top dog in world politics.
    Humanity didn't actually have the clout to go "up there", so to speak, in the first place. It was like the giant pyramids of Giza of 4000 years ago.
    At the end of the day the pyramids  were a colossal waste of human life for the glorification of men who thought themselves gods. Ingenious to be sure, but totally pointless in the sense that the culture itself wasn't really up to the job. 
    Neither did we really have the resources or the true technology to actually make going into space really worth the effort. All we proved was "yeah we were there". But to date we are still here, on earth making a mess of everything, suffering from overpopulation, poverty, discrimination, using up natural resources and and being so complacent it's not funny at all.
    God I hate us. 
     
    Nowadays I see no future for myself either.
    I don't want to live in this world. I have no idea how it could even change to anything resembling good. 
    I will  never do what I dreamed for the simple reason I don't have dreams anymore. Nothing in life is worth the effort. I have lived for over 50 years and as far as dreams are concerned, it would have been better if I had died when Apollo 11 was over.
    My life really ended then.
    Dreams don't really exist. Not for the likes of me.
     
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