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samadhiSheol

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Everything posted by samadhiSheol

  1. No intention to go all eckharttolle, but sometimes the journey is the thing, not the destiniation. So the delusion part might not really matter.. Though I have to admit that the journey sucks at times.
  2. I truly don't know. I am always more "high" than "low", even when I AM low. There is a sense of constant anxiousness and retlessness, indeed been present most of my life. But it isn't in itself bad. It's not all shopenhaueresque..haha I feel ok/not ok , anxious yet exactly as and where I should be. I feel like a complex single malt whisky. Haha. Nose: aromas of paranoia, some irrational fear, but also present outward (mal)constructive anger and cheerfulness too. A sense of chaos mixed with catharsis. Some bitterness. Palate : hellish hotness in the palate, added with a cool breeze of Lust for Life, vigourous yet also stationary. Following the nose, some bitterness. Not entirely unpleasant. Finish: a dead calm, long finish, notes of morningswillbebrighter and doomandgloom ending with bitter-sweetness. Endless question marks and lingering truelackofself and I am. A dram not for the weak of heart.
  3. I have this crackpot theory that we are connected with our future and past selves. I don’t know how to express it really. It’s more than the memories you carry, the projections you make. It’s like there is a super-temporary gateway, or tunnel, to our past or future selves. My normal medium is music. Most times it’s a song I have/had a strong attachment to, that suddenly makes the connection. Just today, I told my younger, teen self, the one who was pining for Love, being bullied and feeling particularly sorry for himself, that he has to hold tight. To music. Cause he hasn’t a f ucking CLUE what musical dimensions he is to experience. Life will unfold amazingly and some of it will be complete crap. But not all. Some of it will be wonderful. Cause sometimes, like now, it makes all the difference. Good music. Music that rocks your very essence, that has the power to whisk you away from the pointless now to A Powerful Now, something worth experiencing. Don’t despair, younger me. It can be ok. At least at times.
  4. Aaah.. Despite my existential ramblings..no wait perhaps BECAUSE of my existentlial ramblings and non-stop ruminations, I feel to empty to care. That is about emptiness. Once I get home from work I intend to exercise. Then either read or netflix. So I feel..neutral but not in a bad way.
  5. Everything I do is a distraction from the void we call life. Life is chore thrust on me. I didn’t ask for it. I find no satisfaction or sense of accomplishment in anything I do. There is no point to anything. Joy, happiness and contentment ..even pain and anger, resentment and guilt are ultimately empty words. Nothing is true. Nothing is authentic. I don’t really feel anything other than this crushing, EMPTINESS
  6. Sort of pissed of and frustrated. I can't get rid of the various tendon issues I have. It's gradually getting worse, regardless what I do or don't do. Growing old sucks.
  7. Oh, I wouldn't worry about the end of the world. End of the world predictions are as old as humanity. Yet here we still are(to my occasional chagrin haha). But I hope you get some respite for the crap in your life soon. You deserve it.
  8. Dog end of Valentine’s Day in my neck of the woods. I wrote elsewhere on df about trying to be more a friend with myself today.. Well one thing lead to another, and after some single malt I got the idea to listen to some ABBA. I paid attention, for real, to the lyrics of their song “Me and I” for the first time ever Omfg. Me to the letter. Perhaps a few of you too. Happy Valentines, DFers. Sometimes when I'm mad There's a part of me that seems to be a little sad Sometimes when I scream There's a voice in me that says, "You shouldn't be so mean" Oh no, oh no Part of me is acting while the other stands beside Yes, I am to myself what Jekyll must have been to Hyde We're like sun and rainy weather Sometimes we're a hit together Me and I Gloomy moods and inspiration We're a funny combination Me and I I don't think I'm different or in any way unique Think about yourself for a minute And you'll find the answer in it Everyone's a freak Sometimes I have toyed With ideas that I got from good old Dr. Freud Nothing new of course It may seem to you I try to break through open doors Oh no, oh no I just wanna say a lot of that applies to me 'Cause it's an explanation to my split identity We're like sun and rainy weather Sometimes we're a hit together Me and I Gloomy moods and inspiration We're a funny combination Me and I I don't think I'm different or in any way unique Think about yourself for a minute And you'll find the answer in it Everyone's a freak Me and I... We're like sun and rainy weather Sometimes we're a hit together Me and I Gloomy moods and inspiration We're a funny combination Me and I I don't think I'm different or in any way unique Think about yourself for a minute And you'll find the answer in it Everyone's a freak We're like sun and rainy weather Sometimes we're a hit together Me and I Gloomy moods and inspiration We're a funny combination Me and I... ABBA - Me and I
  9. I hate that for you, sober. Though god knows I’m the same.. Glad you are doing ok today though!
  10. I read somewhere that doing slow pull ups or slow push ups and concentrating on the “eccentric” part of the movement, can benefit injured tendons. It seems to work for me very well.
  11. This is atrocious. There is no excuse for domestic violence. None. Never believe it is YOUR fault, @Depressedgurl007. You deserve way better. Do what it takes to get the happy life you deserve.
  12. Right now, not too bad. There is an strong impulsive streak in me. My moods can change just like that, many times a day. One of the various shrinks/quacks/whatever I saw back in the day reckoned I might be suffering from "agitated depression", or "mixed affected state", where I'm pretty much everything simultaneously. Haha, you have to love the monikers our latterday wannabe-alchemists concoct for our various issues.. Recently what triggers me most is the news(I really shouldn't watch that crap, at least not too often) and tendon pain. Oh and myself of course. I don't like myself very much. Haha. Anyways, I have issues, with my thumbs, wrists and elbows. Lyme's induced tendiinopathy I guess. Comes and goes. I did a few sets of painless pull ups (I can still manage six or so pull ups, and ten chin ups, not too bad for a 53 year old haha) today. So all in all, not too bad. Happy Valentine's, boys and girls. Today I am trying to be more of friend with myself. God knows he needs break.
  13. I watched the tv show you when I was kid. Loved it. Read a couple of the books too. But as to what's on my mind..I stumbled upon a youtube channel called ralfy.com. At first glance he, Ralfy, appeared to be a dodgy- looking character, talking about whisky. Long story short, I like my single malts and "Ralfy" was awesome. Made me laugh, but is extremely informative and he made an instant fan out of me. Today seems appears to be a better day.
  14. And thank YOU @adamrparr. Your question made me think(quite a bit off topic stuff haha) and the end result being..I feel a bit better than I have felt the past few of days.
  15. I guess at the end of the day we have to be true to ourselves and live with consequences. It’s all anyone of us can do.
  16. I have had enough of this pointlessness. 

    Come on! Nothing will change. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD OR ANY VERSION OF IT.

    I don't like myself and neither do I like other people. We are a cursed species and doomed to oblivion anyhow.

    I know now I have the courage to do it. 

    Good f ucking riddance.

    1. JD4010

      JD4010

      Oh damn. I don't like the sound of that bit about having the courage...

  17. "..Well, hell doesn't want you, and heaven is full Bring me some water, put it in this skull I walk between the raindrops, I wait in bug house square And the army ants, they leave nothin' but the bones Tom Waits - Earth died screaming That's how I feel right now. That we are all, in effect, dead. That the Magic that should be Life is lost to the baseness of human nature. Or to the nothingness that is the only existence. Or perhaps it's just me. The magic is lost because I'm actually dead already. I never really existed in the first place. Lack of presence. "My love is lost and far away. My love is lost like yesterday" Virgin Prunes- Come to Daddy Another quote from a song that I can relate to completely. All I have left are memories I can't even trust. Memories of the void. Of someone/something that never existed in the first place.
  18. Nothing fills me with awe. Everything seems colorless, bland, not worth the effort. I have no faith in anything. I believe nothing. And no, it isn’t “depression”. It isn’t an “illness that isn’t the true me”. “Depression” has to be the most loaded and inflated concept in existence(well there’s “sex” and “sexuality” of course. Haha) There isn’t a true “me”. There isn’t a true “anything”. Life holds no meaning for me. All this emptiness and travesty, within and around me. For what? No reason, I know that now. We “ have to give meaning to our existence ourselves”, another inflated catchphrase. I have no reason to give meaning to anything. What’s the point? I see no point in anything. Death, or more to the point non-existence, makes more sense than “life”, or existence. I’m out. ASAP.
  19. I don’t have a view on the matter, to be honest. The less I interact with people, the better I feel. Or less in despair. Or something.
  20. ..and this is me on a good day! Hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha.
  21. Empty and pointless as usual. I can't get out of this life. I can't get unstuck. Because I don't even know where or what "unstuck" is, what it even means. Life is Disappointment. No reason to go on. Hell isn't a place. There's no Devil tormenting you for eternity. It is the emptiness that is "life". It's the pointlessness you feel, whatever you do, wherever you go, whatever you think or perceive. If you find a quantum of respite in this pointlessness, well, there's your Heaven. That's all there is. Sure as hell doesn't satisfy me. I can't even spell correctly. Doing your best means absolutely nothing, when you constantly fail in a world you don't even want to live in.
  22. The emptiness and utter pointless of (in)human existence is becoming too much for me. I can only speak for myself, but it's sheer cowardice that has prevented me from ending this pathetic existence.
  23. Another thing on my mind: are some people doomed to mediocrity and sheer plodding through a meaningless life? Is it my lot to be an underachiever and a loser? I am turning out to be the sort of person I detest. A nihilist, cynical old bitter loser who has nothing good to say about anything. Oh wait. i'm there already!
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