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Status Updates posted by samadhiSheol

  1. I have had enough of this pointlessness. 

    Come on! Nothing will change. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD OR ANY VERSION OF IT.

    I don't like myself and neither do I like other people. We are a cursed species and doomed to oblivion anyhow.

    I know now I have the courage to do it. 

    Good f ucking riddance.

    1. JD4010


      Oh damn. I don't like the sound of that bit about having the courage...

  2. The less I am around people the better.

    I just can't get interested anymore. People drain me and honest truth bore me too. I bore myself too though so there's that.

    Actually I don't think I have been much of a people person to begin with. I was always the first to leave the party. 

    I'd probably be better off at Mt Palomar observatory gazing at stars.

    Yes, a decrnt library, heavy bag  and tatami mats and the stars. 

    1. JD4010


      I am in full agreement. People drain me and also irritate the hell out of me with their pettiness.

      I've dreamed of being an astronomer since I was very young. Or a researcher in some facility in the middle of Antarctica.

      I have a decent library in my apartment, along with two cats who sit with me while I'm reading. That's my version of heaven on earth.

  3. I hate myself, I hate humanity. The sooner humanity is extinct the better the cosmos will be. I think we have probably f ucked the world beyond saving too.

    Nothing any of us do makes a f ucking difference. All we are capable of is uncontrollable breeding, causing calamities and problems. We never solve anything. Thank god(figure of speech, doesn't exist) I don't have kids to f uck up even more 

    F uck us. F uck me. Especially me. 



    1. JD4010


      No argument from me. We have certainly bred far past capacity. The die off has already started and will accelerate rapidly. If I was smart, I'd quit working and try to enjoy the short time remaining. But I've never been accused of being smart.

  4. Life doesn't get better only worse. 

    Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????

    1. JD4010


      You haven't served your entire sentence yet.

    2. samadhiSheol


      No point in even trying jd. 

      I will be gone by th end of the year. This is bollocks.

      All I want now is the couage to do it. And I am getting there.

    3. JD4010


      Agreed. It is bollocks. Yet I keep coming back for more, day after day. I am too much of a p ussy to make the task happen. But, if not for my daughter...

  5. I am so in-TENSE

    past tense

    Now I feel 

    Inertia Creeping movingbup slowly

    Feeling sad angry and high all the same time

    But now..I feel the high turning to the worse still high make no mistake but the bile

    I taste it now, I feel it

    Tiger tiger burning bright

    But it gets so dark

    eternity in a grain of sand 

    Why were you so perceptive william blake

    F ucking Jerusalem

    shalom salaam allah akbar 

    Kabbalah sheol gehanna hosianna

    Going down down

    Sinking going down 

    The pit and the pendulum

    Finnegans f uckin wake.

    Wheres the guiness when I need it

    Men fan också

    **** my mind up

    Ineed to be dead NOW




    1. JD4010


      William Blake definitely had it going on. My daughter loves his work. I'm rather fond of it myself.

  6. The crap in life outweighs any little “good” there is. Every time.

    Life isn’t worth living and there really is no hope.

    Too bad I can’t just end my life. 

    I am too much of coward.

    I hate myself. I hate humanity. Nothing will ever change that. 


    1. JD4010


      You won't get any argument from me.

  7. I am nowhere, I am nothing 

    I don't really feel real. 

    It's not that I don't have (good) emotions or thoughts.

    Everything I sense, feel, think..nothing has any significance.


    Do androids dream of elecric sheep? As the P.K Di ck novel goes.

    Is everything just fake?


  8. This is part of something  I wrote to someone that pretty much sums me up:

    "... my "problems" are more existential and ethical in nature than truly in the psychological realm. I have seen a plethora of psychiatrists and therapists representing different approaches to mental health issues and though on the whole they haven't really made me feel any better, they have all pointed out that my intellectual ruminations if you will and my world view at least in part constitute to my current (and nearly life long) pessimistic disposition.  As yet I see little reason to change it. I can't just will myself to think positively. I would only be lying to myself. I need a reason to think positively about myself and the world at large."

    I need to figure it out. There is nothing new in any of this, as any of you who have read my rants know. 

    Still though, my approach to life has always been an intellectual exercise ( in futility haha) and the honest truth is I dont know how to live. 

    So if I am not around as much, I am doing martial arts, making sigils, psycho geography and/or testing if "in vino veritas" is, in fact, true.

    Perhaps life is a koan. We either get it or we don't.

  9. “More People Die from Suicide Than From Wars, Natural Disasters Combined”.

    Headline from the website “VOA”, written by Lisa Shlein.

    As far as I am concerned it tells me more about the world we try to live in than the people who decide to leave it.

    People die of hopelessness, boy and girls. What's left just makes living unbearable.

    Sometimes hope doesn't exist.

  10. I don’t know..peer support doesn’t seem to help me at all. I just end up feeling worse. 

    I should just quit. 


    Check out  of life for good.

    1. JD4010


      But think of all the "fun" you'd be missing! Sorry for the dark sarcasm.

  11. I hate myself.

    I hate life, this world, people.

    I am angry all the time.

    Apparently angry people die younger, so there's that.

    I am old enough now, thank you very much.

  12. Creativity is the act of defining emptiness, giving meaning to absence.

    1. JD4010


      For better or worse, I ain't ever been creative. I flunked art class in fifth grade.

    2. samadhiSheol


      Oh ART..

      creativity isn't equal to art, or more to the point art isn't equivalent to creativity. I didn't have art in mind. Not in the convenional, "painting-on-the-wall"- sense.

      I meant..just living I guess. Creativity as a means for survival.

      Believe me when I say you are way more creative than you give credit for yourself, @JD4010.

    3. JD4010


      Thank you. I guess my ability to come up with quick comebacks could be considered creative. I can be a real smart-ass.

  13. Just finished reading Mathias Enard's "Compass". Something on one of the last pages struck a chord:

    "The world needs intergration, diasporas. Europe is no longer my continent, so I can go back to it. Be part of the networks that intersect there, explore it as a stranger. Bring something to it. Give, in my return, and bring to light the gift of diversity."

    Reading this passage from the aforementioned book was a satori moment for me.

    It's ok to feel an outsider. It's ok to feel out of place. We can give, show our distinctiveness to the world and make it a richer place.

    Or something.

  14. I find it impossible to be ..happy for want for a better word. Satisfaction. Accomplishment. Meaning.

    Yada yada. You have all heard this before. I am the proverbial broken record.

    Because I feel EMPTY, VOID the whole time, whenever I do something, anything or not.

    Camus or someone else of the existentialist persuasion wrote something to the extent:

    Living a life not ending up k Illing yourself is a meaning of life enough. My wording, but the gist of the original is there. Not entirely sure what it means to be honest. In my case, I put it down to cowardice.

    Nothing I do leads anywhere. It’s as if everything I do is a substitution or play- acting for the real thing, life, whatever it is.

    I realized a while back how stuck I was in my life. My job. ME. I am stuck being someone I don’t recognize AT ALL. And the true tragedy is I have been like this my whole adult life.

    This isn’t what I want from life. Yet I haven’t a clue(I have always been lost) as to who I want to be and what I want.

    I have said this a million times before: I feel dead inside. At the very least an imposter, a fake person.

    Nothing gives me true pleasure. Neither  have I ever felt I have achieved anything. 

    I hate my job. A lot of the crap stems from this. All my jobs have been the same in essence though. Entry level. Menial. Low pay. Dead end. 

    I don’t know what to do any more. I am scared of the future. Old age terrifies me. I don’t want to live to be 70 or 75, living on a pittance(that is pretty much certain as I have no savings), just getting more sick. 

    I will be dead long before that. I will find the courage to end this .. excuse of a life.

    Fcku this sh it. 


    1. JD4010


      So much of that is familiar. I feel like a fake person as well.

      I also dread "getting old" and being sick. I don't want to be a burden on anyone, especially my daughter.

  15. Mood is a funny thing.

    Right now I feel pretty good. I am back to martial arts with vengence.

    I need to do more. Keeps my mind off s hit. 

    Post-training pint of  stout in front of me, life could be a great deal worse.

    1. JD4010


      Stout! I miss that stuff.

    2. samadhiSheol



      Stout. The gun-at-the-head choice I would make out of all b eers.

  16. I did something today I have been putting off for ever, for no good reason at all as it used to be something I liked doing before 

    I am also paranoid, so I am not saying what it is..

    But I feel good right now. 

  17. Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too. Elated in fact. 

    So much energy, so much procrastination to be done. Ha ha!

    I am everyfcukingwhere at once. 


    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. samadhiSheol


      Oh, hopelessness and despair are ever- present. Sometimes I can just shrug them off, or just not care, or actually feel hopeless while also feeling elated. Sounds ffced up, I know.

      Right now I also feel paranoid. I have trust issues in general, but sometimes, like now, I just don’t trust anyone, not even df. when I get really bad, I think df is a hoax of sorts, a version of the “Truman show”, where nothing or nobody is what they seem to be. 

      “Our current regime and mental healthcare system is of course fatally unprepared for the task.  To pat ourselves on the back and say that, oh, hey, we've evolved into sophisticated thinking by championing the bio-psycho-social model is, to me, to restate what ancient Greeks knew, except less.”

      I think it would go a long way to acknowledge that the world, ie. the environment we live in, plays a big role as to how we experience both the world and ourselves. That “normal” just doesn’t exist and that this world isn’t perhaps the best possible version of itself. This and our personal circumstances, our genetics, and occurrences in our lives affect the way we exist.

      Recently I have become interested in situationism and psychogeography (as in situationist international, I believe a shoot off of Marxist thought in the 1960’s,  not so much situationism in the psychological sense though there is a similarity but I digress).

      Obviously there is no one answer to the question: what makes us so effed up? But I think too much emphasis has been placed on OUR adaptational shortcomings instead of thinking could our less than adequate circumstances, the environment we happen to live in,  situations if you will, at least in part be responsible for our mental health issues?




    3. gandolfication


      A good friend of mine who is autistic, and also thus a lot more intelligent than me...also much younger...is knowledgeable about the Situationist International 'movement'(?).

      I tried to read a little and follow her description, and felt like I would need to read an SAT test answer key or book or something to understand it.

      If the point is that our circumstances are largely the cause of depression, I have thought (actually known) that about myself for a long time.  On one hand, sure I've had the capacity--occasionally--to be depressed for no apparent reasons and even when I didn't think I was overly stressed, etc.  But rarely.  Most often, it is because of life's awful circumstances, or at least my perception of the same.  In that sense, there's no mystery to it, which I rather dislike.

    4. gandolfication


      The idea that you sometimes feel even the DF could be like a Truman Show (and/or ?Stepford Wife) facade, is creepily interesting.  I can relate I think.  Some of the times when I've become manic, it came with paranoia - I reacted pretty badly even though in retrospect, probably people didn't have (much) ill intent.   Some of the employers did - they had to.

      I'm not making light of your paranoia feeling; I just liked the way you describe it.

      The way modern business and predatory capitalism (at least in the U.S.) works, has made me paranoid about anything commercialized, which unfortunately includes most co-workers who have learned that self-preservation (they think) means stabbing others in the back first.

  18. You see, I just don't get the self-compassion thing. 

    The "treating yourself like a friend in trouble", or "like a child who is in pain".

    I can't. I don't understand how self-compassion works. 

    I have every reason to think of myself as a loser ans second rate. A failure and a bit stupid too. My whole life stands witness to the failure I am.

    I don't like where I am in life, yet I can think of nothing better.

    I have no dreams or aspirations. No talent, no skills and as I am not interested in anything nonpassion for anything I stay stuck as this (non)person I despise.

    I don't really understand anything anymore. Haha I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD ANYTHING in my entire life.

    I truly believe I am already dead.

    So fxxk me.


  19. I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.

    I hate myself more than ever.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. samadhiSheol


      Yeah, well this toilet is indeed clogged with s hit, so flushing probably is moot.

      Ha ha.

    3. JD4010


      I used the "laugh" emoji to react there. It signified hollow laughter...from recognition of the situation.

    4. samadhiSheol


      Hollow laughter..any laughter is  totally acceptable!

  20. "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."
    C.S. Lewis
    Nuff said.
    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. samadhiSheol


      I just doubt everything and believe nothing.


    3. samadhiSheol



      I do think there is Something Out There..and the concept of "god" isn't it at all. 

      Not even close.

    4. gandolfication


      Ouch.  I read your first post, and liked it...even though I read a ton of Lewis in HS and college and since discarded most of his apologetics as sophistry.  I still like the ineffable longing in his quote.

      Recently, a long lost (well really just second cousin once removed...who I rarely ever see), and I were talking, and she just said, well it's just a story of love.  And I thought, yah, I can use it like that, take what's good, leave what's not and fashion my own believe about the big bad "GOD," which is what I've been trying to do anyway.

  21. Every voice I hear sounds so familiar
    Every song I know
    Still there's been no change in the weather
    But sometime we'll have to go

    Japan-Sons of Pioneers


    God..this takes me back. 36 years.

    Nothing has changed.

    1. JD4010


      Yeah. Wow, I love that cover picture you have. Where is it from?

    2. samadhiSheol


      “Europe after the Rain” a painting by Max Ernst. I’ve always liked it too. 

      I think it refers to WW2 Europe as it was indeed painted in the early 1940’s. 

      For me though..it’s like something out of my dreams. There is something familiar about the landscape and imagery. I felt pulled towards this and other surrealistic paintings (e.g. Paul Delvaux, Rene Magritte) at an early age.

      My interior has always interested me than the “world beyond”.

      To be quite honest, I don’t really give a flying Fck about the world. Haha.

  22. My life as a stage act and failure.

    I hate myself and everything else too.

    1. JD4010


      Dang bro, I'm sorry. I know you were feeling better there for awhile.

  23. I might be off the grid for a week or so.


    1. JD4010


      Everything OK??

    2. samadhiSheol


      No worries. Vacation. 

    3. JD4010


      Oh man! I hope you enjoy it!

  24. Anger and frustration. So much of both.

    I wrote elsewhere on df, I squander all my energy. And there is so much energy. 

    I wish the energy I possess would be enough to k I’ll me. 

    I wish I could just fcking k I’ll myself.


  25. I intend to be off the grid for a while. I am doing myself no good at all being on df or indeed anywhere on internet. I end up feeling even worse.



    1. samadhiSheol


      The above and this f u cking tendinopathy. Using my fingers hurts my wrists and elbows. 

      Fuc k this fuc king sh it


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