samadhiSheol

Extremely wistful. Back in the day, sometime in the early 90's I was going through one of my rough patches. But I had a dream of what I 'd be doing in ten- fifteen years time and you know what folks? It all happened. Pretty much to the letter. I got a job in a field I was interested in and eventually gained a black belt in martial arts. I don't know, I got lost though, or perhaps I have always been lost, but I felt empty and unfulfilled. I realized my dream had been off, I had fulfilled it but it all felt..wrong. The job especially, turned out to be another dead end job. And honest truth, I was disillusioned with it after a year. It wasn't really my dream in the first place (vade retro, satanas) and now I haven't a clue what my dream is. Have I ever even had one? Hope is gone(hope, the root of all madness), I am lost. ..."And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. " Let there be light.

Martial arts.

Now I am listening to Ultravox's Vienna - album. God these take me back..

The scales have been dropping before my eyes and I see clearer than ever. It's not that I suddenly lost interest in stuff like living, your job, wife, kids, day to day.. I have never been interested with the mundane in the first place. I realized a while back, that as I tried desperately to find a "reference group" in my youth, people I have something in common with, I lost a bit of myself. Later on I was desperately looking for someone. To share my life with. To not feel so .. isolated. I lost myself. So all I did was lose myself completely, if there ever was a "myself" to begin with in the first place. Disatisfaction and disconnection are my lot in life. When people talk to me of how the cost of living has risen, or how tomatoes taste better in Italy or whatever, I am thinking why the atomic model maybe fundamentally flawed, or perhaps why chaos magic is a better than ritual magic, how language and culture can make our perception of so-called reality mutual exclusive...etc. I am never on the same page as orher people. Hell, it's a completely different book. Sometimes I am not there at all. Who the f uck are you, people?? More to the point, who and where the f uck am I?

The scales have been dropping before my eyes and I see clearer than ever. It's not that I suddenly lost interest in stuff like living, your job, wife, kids, day to day.. I have never been interested with the mundane in the first place. I realized a while back, that as I tried desperately to find a "reference group" in my youth, people I have something in common with, I lost a bit of..myself . Later on I was desperately looking for someone. To share my life with. To not feel so .. isolated, I lost myself. So all I did was lose myself completely, if there ever was a "myself" to begin with in the first place. When people talk to me of how the cost of living has risen, or how tomatoes taste better in Italy or whatever, I am thinking why the atomic model maybe fundamentally flawed, or perhaps why chaos magic is a better than ritual magic.. I am never on the same page as other people. Hell, it's a completely different book. Sometimes I am not there at all. Who the f uck are you, people?? More to the point, who and where the f uck am I?

Ultravox- Rage in Eden album.

Yup. Me. This morning. Or what I wanted to do..

"Your mistake is a hidden intention." (From Peter Schmidt's and Brian Eno's "Oblique Strategies") I think there is a lesson in this for all of us.

I have been reading a book on Brian Eno, who some may know from his Roxy Music- days back in the early 70's. He has always intrigued me, as a musician/producer/impressario/polymath with his hands in all aspects of music(making). The book is called "Oblique Music", which gets it's name from Both the artist Peter Schmidt's and Eno's idea of "Oblique Strategies" which eventually consisted of a hundred of so cards with short sentences, aphorisms and suggestions if you will, to break an artistic imapsse, or "artist's block". They were to be used a bit like the I-Ching (an ancient Chinese divining system), or Tarot. Fascinating to say the least. I foung a website that will give you a "strategy". Now, I am not in a musical impasse, but" impasse" could be my middle name, so I just loved the one the "oblique strategy" generator gave me just five minutes ago: "Remove specifics and convert to ambiguties". It made perfect sense. Another favorite of mine is "Your mistake is a hidden intention." I think there is a lesson in that for all of us.

I love Curve! "Coast is Clear" must be one of my all time favourites.

If I have understood zen correctly, this is it exactly. Enlightenment,or satori, is the realization we have been enlightened the whole time! I am too "western" for my own good though. Haha.

No, no ,no, epic. I can't have this at all. You have no reason whatsoever to apologize. I.. We ALL need you to do what you do on df. We need your philosophy. We need your empathy and warmth. I am just a malcontent, arguing for the sake of argument. To be honest, there isn't really suffering..or no more than absolutely EVERYONE suffers, in a sort of buddhist, trilakshana (anitya, dukha, anatman) sense. It's just that I have been aware of this(my version of void) for so long. Who knows, perhaps I am closing in on enlightenment. Haha.

I was 11 or twelve when it struck me how empty everything was. My "epiphany" at the time was realizing, eating my favourite sweets, watching my favourite tv-show with my grandparents, is this happiness? Since then I have never felt any emotion without the feeling of emptiness. I see it everywhere. I feel it constantly. I have never made a meaningful life for myself. I have always felt dissatisfied and I am always wanting. All I have managed to do is live a life that has no interest to me. I have never known what I want. I have no passion for anything. I have no skills. I have nothing to make a difference in my life. I am empty within. I am absolutely nothing and I see no way out. There is no way out because there is no "in". We are on a certain path of destruction. Humanity is driven by greed and selfishness and nothing will change that. It's part of what kept us alive when we were hunter-gatherers, but nowadays we will just destroy ourselves and good riddance. I don't want to live in any version of this sad world. This planet will be a better place without humanity. I have no intention to stick around. I am just too much of a p ussy to do it - yet. Or perhaps I am too braindead to care even about suicide.

None of this helps me though. In fact, I think it just makes me feel worse. One day I will have to quit or I will just end my life. I might do that anyhow. I just don’t see any reason to live.

“What do you mean by "banality" Samadhi?” The “human” condition. We don’t make sense at all. We have concepts of good and bad. We have regulations. We have civilization, we create gods in our image. We try and make sense of the world. Then we do our best to destroy it. You say goodness is so commonplace it doesn’t make the news. I say goodness weighs less than the bad, if “good” or “bad” even mean anything, objectively speaking. To be sure, I have “morals”. There are things I would abhor doing to someone. I don’t think they are anything more than glorified reflexes though, stuff we have been conditioned with, living in certain circumstances. That is I have morals now. In other circumstances I could and probably would be, Ted Bundy.