samadhiSheol

My dead end job is k lling me. I hate everything about it. The commuting, the area it's situated in, the job itself,. I am 54 and all my jobs have been low pay dead end jobs. My life is at a dead end. Nowhere to go. All options are as bad as each other. Any changes i make in my life make no difference at all. Story of my meaningless, futile life. I am out of options and old enough to see life as it truly is. Hopeless and pointless. More so when you don't even like yourself. Or anything else either. Life is overrated and the persistance of continuing life at any cost baffles me to no end.

Light. The cosmos. Fiat Lux. Some of us are born for darkness.

I posted this initially on the wrong thread.. Dark n' Stormy. Grim & Chthonic Mellow and Morbid. It's exactly 40 years since the school bullying I experienced began. Now why the fck would I even think of that?? The devil: I will fck you up! " Me: Way too late mate." Oh well. More vino, music etc. Who gives a fck anyways. I don't, not really.

OMG.. So sorry..wrong thread!!! This should have been posted on the "How do you feel.. Etc" thread. I have no idea how this ended up here!! But as I am here.. Your English is fine as @JD4010 said, @Yobikoe. Awesome that you are studying Swedish too. Changes like relocating are big deals and it's natural to feel apprehensive. I hope everything goes well. We are here if you need to talk or just rant! God knows I do enough of that..

No you emphatically are not. Half the time I want to take my posts down the day after, let alone the ones I posted before.. We are our worst enemies unto ourselves, I think. The inner critic etc. Other people (thankfully) don't see us the way we see ourselves. At least I hope they don't!

Dark n' Stormy. Grim & Chthonic Mellow and Morbid. It's exactly 40 years since the school bullying I experienced began. Now why the fck would I even think of that?? The devil: I will fck you up! " Me: Way too late mate." Oh well. More vino, music etc. Who gives a fck anyways. I don't, not really.

Perhaps it could be a joint venture, JD. A novel of a special kind of m/sadness, in the vein of Philip K d**k. I believe you should make ADD work for you. We don’t have to believe everything establishment tells us. The world see ADD as an aberration. So fukc the world. Yes a story of a Quixotic battle against big pharma and the rest of the irrelevant establishment. “Sam, JD and the Windmills”. The novel could end with us burning windmills. Haha.

Indeed. you are above their pathetic taunts and small mindedness. It is in your power to let it be and move on. You don’t need them. Right back at you Riv.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. There is no excuse whatsoever for bullying. Irl, online, doesn’t matter. I don’t care how fckued up the bullies are in their private lives. They CHOOSE to bully. So fkcu them. I have no sympathy for them. You are better than they will ever be, Riv. Stand strong, and don’t let their little minds get to you.

@sober4life, All the best and I hope your grandma is better. @JD4010, I get the not caring bit. Despite all this psychotic rage I harbor. It’s like I am everything at once. Everything but happy as myself, with myself of course.

I did but not badly. I just need to punish myself at times for being such a cretin.

Not as bad, but it’s all still there, all the anger and hatred, all the pointlessness, smoldering subterraneously, like a psychic Old Faithful. There is something manic about my “depression”. Sometimes it feels more like a psychosis. I feel so .. energetic in my Stygian m/sadness. It is all encompassing, like a psychic paradigm shift. Haha, perhaps it’s my superpower. Mr Self-Destruct. Why is humanity so STUPID?? Why am I so stupid? I can’t watch the news at all anymore. I can’t stand the crassness that is human nature. I am sick and tired of everything. Life isn’t worth the effort.

I can't stop hating myself. Right now I want to hurt myself. Right now I want this pathetic, pointless life to end. I just shouldn't think. About anything. Cause I hate everything else too.

I think I was born angry. At least I have been short tempered and prone to angry outbursts from an early age. I realized at the age of 11 or so that life is meaningless and empty, and a bit later that I am a talentless hack. Anger doesn’t fuel me. All it does is consumes me and underlines the fact that life is pointless and empty, and that nothing is worth the effort.

Pretty much how I see things, though in my case I think life is pointless and non-existence makes more sense than existence. Besides, humanity sucks and there is Fck all that can be done about it. The more of us on the planet, the worse it gets.