samadhiSheol

Ladies and gentlemen, señoras y señores.. Music is keeping me alive. Right now it’s Captain Beefheart, Tom Waits and 1950’s bebop. Without music, any music, life makes no sense at all. Just saying. Walk without rhythm you won’t attract the Worm.

Can - Oh Yeah One of my all time favourites and they are indeed legion.

Walk out of this life completely. I want to just vanish. Start a samba school in Rio de Janeiro. Kumi-daiko drum group in Okinawa. Outer space in a space ship with a load of books and good food and wine. Yeah. That’s what I want. And never come back.

Shepard's Neame double stout. Damn good stout.

I joined df nearly three years ago. Online peer support was the one thing I hadn't tried. Soon enough I realised it wasn't working for me at all. So I gave it time. After nearly three years I still don't understand how that works. Everytime I write about how I feel, I just feel worse. Knowing there are others feeling the same way depresses me more than anything. I can't help but feel that so many of us a screwed whatever we do or say. Then again, I am not a people person and being around people drains me most of the time. The only reason I am still whining on df is because I have nothing else. I hate myself for that. The more I express myself, the closer I get to ending my life. Some of us have been through meds, therapy etc. for years without getting any better. I see none of that changing any time soon. I'm sorry I am being so negative, but I am talking from experience and this is just my point of view. Some of us need something else completely. As to what that "something else" is, I haven't a clue.

I have nothing anyone would want to pay for. All I have to offer is a negative outlook and despair. If this is survival then they, whoever “they” are, can keep it. More like torture and a living hell of boredom, failure and impotent, pointless anger. If I had any wisdom at all, I would be out of this crap by now. Or not. I think if I have any knowledge at all, it is the realization that there isn’t a way out. I was a fool the past 50 odd years to believe I would actually make something of myself. This world isn’t meant for people like me. Not that I even care that much anymore. I am just whining because that is all there is left before I k ill myself.

Dead, waiting to be buried. My dead end job is k Illing me, like all the entry level, low pay jobs I have had. I hate it. I hate the commuting, the work, the environs. I have no skills, talents or any interests. Neither do I have any dreams or hope. I am wasting 10 hours of my life 5 days a week on something I detest that barely pays my way in this fcked up world. But I am the wrong side of fifty and have nothing else. this world has no use for me as I am and on the other hand I don’t see anything in this god forsaken human infested planet worth doing. Humanity is screwed and I am even more more so. I hate people and myself even more. I don’t believe in anything or anyone. I wish I could just will myself to death. Oh wait, I’m already doing that.

Omg that is so sad and terrible. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. I'm so sorry sober.

Led Zeppelin -Friends “Bright light almost blinding, black night still there shining, I can't stop, keep on climbing, looking for what I knew. Had a friend, she once told me, "You got love, you ain't lonely, " Now she's gone and left me only looking for what I knew. Mmm, I'm telling you now, The greatest thing you ever can do now, Is trade a smile with someone who's blue now, It's very easy just... Met a man on the roadside crying, without a friend, there's no denying, You're incomplete, they'll be no finding looking for what you knew. So anytime somebody needs you, don't let them down, although it grieves you, Some day you'll need someone like they do, looking for what you knew. Mmm, I'm telling you now, The greatest thing you ever can do now, Is trade a smile with someone who's blue now, It's very easy just...” I'm telling you now, the greatest thing you ever can do now, Is trade a smile with someone who's blue now..”

Lard - Mate, Spawn and Die

Buzzcocks - Time’s up R.I.P Pete Shelley

Mental. I feel mad. I am deranged. So much energy, yet lethargic and apathetic too. I have bronchitis and the past week has been a nightmare of confusion, congestion, insomnia and aggressive, pessimistic euphoria mixed with delirium. I have also been teaching myself a foreign language the whole time beside being suicidal.

The Specials - Man at C&A I'm the man in grey, I'm just the man at C & A And I don't have a say in the war games that they play.

Fu kced up.