samadhiSheol

My last post. I won't be around df anymore. It has done me no good. I'm sorry to any of you who cares. I'm NOT important though. You are. Keep well and I hope some of you find a way out.

I have a so called life. I do stuff. New stuff too. It all amouts to so much pointlessness though. I have tried to focus on what is percieved as good. I go nowhere with it. You are right, saying that stagnation and ruminating doesn't help. But neither does anything else. I keep fit, well as fit as I can with my ****ed up tendons. I work. I have a wife and a godam cat. No one looming at my life would see anything out of place. None of it feels right for me. Nothing does. I fed up trying. I don't want to live just surviving this bulls hit life. The stuff I can change means absolutely nothing. I stay stuck and life is as pointless and BS as ever. If that is all there is I don't want it. I have had enough of it. Call me a coward if you want. But I'm ****ing tired of just surviving.

Bruce Banner/The Hulk Like me he is always angry and goes apes hit.

Emptiness or pointlessness if you like, is real enough. It is to me anyhow. We feel what we feel for a reason. Depression is an umbrella term that describes a lot of different states of mind that aren’t necessarily mutually inclusive or even related. But the so called treatment is pretty much the same for any given “depression”. I hate the word. I hate the pigeon holing and the established connotations the expression “depression” upholds. As far as I am concerned it is all so much BS. I’ve said this before. As long as we treat just the individual as defective and not address the shortcomings of any given environment or society, most of us will never get better. I am fed up with trying. I am fed up being the constant failure I am. Again all I am doing is going around in circles, repeating myself. That is all I have ever done ever since I joined df. Pretty much what I have done all my insignificant life. I hate that about myself. I hate the fact I am still in the same ****ing hole I have been in since I first began to think for myself. There is no way out other than death. I don’t believe in an afterlife or a god. All death means is you don’t exist any more. No thoughts, nothing. Sounds good enough for me.

I should just leave df. This hasn’t helped, my ranting and raving online. I am just going around in circles. Some of you say I have made a difference here but I don’t see it. Don’t feel it. Despair and emptiness are all I feel. Actually Emptiness is the wrong word. Nothingness. Void. Vacuum. Nihil. It wouldn’t be true to say that an online peer support system has caused me to feel worse..but the truth is it hasn’t helped at all. All I end up doing is fueling my fire. I make myself feel worse every time I come back. The more I see people feeling the same way I do, the more despair and hopelessness I feel. I am going to have to go or I will k I’ll myself. I’ ll probably end my life anyhow. I see everything so much more clearly now. I realize how futile hope is. I have learned that I have felt wanting and dissatisfied all my pathetic adult life. From what I remember of my childhood, I was pretty shallow and wasn’t really interested in anything even then. I don’t care about anything enough to make an effort. I never have done. Whenever I have tried to better myself, be it a course, applying to university or another job, I end up in the same f kcing mess. Empty, dissatisfied and disillusioned. Stuck in this pointlessness. None of my so called “successes” have made any difference. I have failed more times than succeeded in anything. Most of all I have failed myself at being a person I would want to be. I have been apathetic and phlegmatic all my life. I have never really had a passion for anything. I have no skills or talents and I find educating myself impossible. I was never much good at school and due to my lack of interest in anything and possibly borderline adhd (I was inattentive and had some trouble focusing, but not enough to cause any concern) ? just don’t like anything in this world and I see nothing changing that. I don’t know if this is good bye or not. I’ve said I’d leave before. I really, really should. I want to leave this life. I want to non-exist. Because living like this is not living at all. On the other hand, I haven’t a clue what living a meaningful “full” life could possibly mean. Believe me I have tried to figure it out. I just couldn’t be bothered with putting in the effort anymore. No point. I’m a lost cause. A loser and a coward. A miserable old git. I despise myself. Nope. This isn’t life. I am already dead.

I don't believe there even is a real me. Most of all I have failed myself. I dont really care about the Joneses. I stopped comparing myself with others or society's standards a long time ago. I have failed to find myself. I am sick of repeating myself. I am sick and fed up with the emptiness. I just want out.

Well whatever I am has done me no service whatsover. So it amounts to the same. As to my writing, ..haha I dont even like writing really. All I'm doing is repeating myself and going nowhere fast.

I beg to differ, sober. I am perfectly justified in hating myself. No lies. I am a failure pure and simple. At least unto myself I am. I have given up. Other people don't see the real me. The emptiness and futility, the hatred and disinterest and yes, the misanthropic streak that is me. I am not at home in this world and I am sick and tired of the so called" fight". I never had a chance in the first place.

If this is the case there really isn't any hope for anyone. I suppose I've been saying the same all along. I wish I had the guts to do" it" right now.

Nothing is ever going to get better. "Change the things you can" they say. None of that helps at all. The changes, the small things you actually have an influence on, choices you CAN make if you will, mean absolutely nothing. They don't change the big picture. I still stay stuck in Ground Hog day. Whatever I do, i end up in the same nowhere - place. After 50 odd f ukcing years on this sad planet I have given up. All I am doing is getting older and my chances of finding a better life for myself dwindle like my declining health and persistant muscle and tendon issues that jusr get worse. I may be looking at redundancy in a couple of years time.I don't even like my job. I've been unemployed before, twice. in my twenties I was unemployed for 1,5 years. In my 30's another 1,5 years. It was hell when I was younger. But ending up redundant in your mid fifties without a decent education or any kind of skillsets.. I have no chance in the job market. No one wants a stupid, talentless invalid on there pay roll. Not that I am even interested in making the effort anymore. I am screwed however you look at it. Nothing interests me enough to put in the effort. I have failed every time I have tried to better myself. I am tired of life. I am fed up with myself. I am not fighting the inevitable anymore. I am a loser. I don't like this world and I hate myself. I just want to get out of this bul s hittery called life.

I wouldn't know what the "greater good" looked like it if hit me on the head. I don't even think it exists. I question everything in this world and everything about myself, even the way I feel. If humanity didn't exist, there would be neither "good" or "evil". Just saying. I've come to the conclusion that everything is pointless. I see no reason to carry on living. All there is is a sickening void of despair growing deeper, I'm just too much of a coward to pull the proverbial trigger.

Keeping up appearances. That is what I have done most of the time, most of my life. No one ever got it when I told people how angry, disappointed and empty I feel, once upon a time. I learned my lesson. No point talking about it anymore. People will never understand how you feel, not even the ones who "have been there" too, No one can ever understand someone else, not completely. "No man is an island". Reality check: yes we bl oody well are islands, all of us. We only think we are connected with others. Or perhaps I'm just talking about myself. I don't have true connections with anyone or anything, least of all with myself. And why would I even want to connect with myself and the world as I despise the ground I walk on. I see the human condition as a bad experiment about to implode under the preassure of it's crassness and stupidity. I am a living specimen proving the point. Perhaps my problem is the opposite: I AM connected with the f ukcuppery I am and the world is and there is nothing else. I don't really expect anything anymore. I'm just waiting to die. Nothing I do brings me any sense of satisfaction or feelings of accomplishment. Hope... I hate the word. it means nothing to me. I hate my effed up aging body and the inherent stupidity of myself that amounts to the failure I am. I hate myself on a constant basis. Nothing can change that. Like water running upstream, it is an impossibility to think of myself in any other way. Hating myself is what I am. Other than that, all there is is emptiness. There are better days, when I don't wallow in selfhatred, regret and guilt. But it's not as if the feelings ever leave me. At the end of the day, I just want to f ukc off this stage for good. Life is a crappy, badly written drama, a play I have no intention acting in anymore.

"Head like a Hole Black as your Soul I'd rather die Than give you control" Ever since I heard that Nine Inch Nails song way back in the very early 90's it resonated with me. I realized even then the lyrics were more about a corrupt establishment, the short comings of the laizzes faire, middle class complacency we live in rather than the inner (warped) workings of the soul (I still claim to not have). Yet this is what my non-existent soul sings to me. What it did even then. I have a hole in my head. My " soul " is pitch black. And this version(is there any other?) of "me' has total possession. "Bow down before the one you serve You're going to get what you deserve." Pretty much there now.

Me too. I'm feeling pretty good. But I also feel the sadness around me. But we don't have to be dragged down with it. It's a good thing to feel empathy though. It's a good thing to make the effort to spread the good around. All the best my friend. And muchos hugs. Applies to all of you btw.

I feel pretty good because..well I just do. I feel sad too. My super power (if I in fact have one) is being both elated and depressed at the same time. That and emptying glasses of alcohol. Haha. But seriously, right now I am happy because some of you are feeling good too. Sad because some of you aren’t feeling happy at all. Right now I am all over the place.