samadhiSheol

Angry. I am always angry and on edge. I am nervous wreck. A stupid cNt who's "best before" date was probably at birth. I hate myself so much. I want to hurt myself. I want to k! ll myself. This is how I feel most times nowadays.

To be honest I don't see that. A lot of us have been on df for years, fighting the same issues. I am wondering does peer support even help. I don't believe it does help, at least for some of us this is the case. I get no solace from the fact thate there are people with similar issues as me. In fact it just underlines the fact thst something is fundamentally wrong with the world. For some of us there is no hope. You could argue that the world is making me feel the way I do. Moot. I don't want this world. I have realized there is no place for me here. I am tired with people, fed up and sick of myself. I was reading some of my older posts and I realized being on df had made me feel worse. I hate writing this crap. I will leave DF eventually for good. I am sick of this pointless existence. It isn't helping me. I want out. Of life too. Sooner the better.

Nothing I do makes any difference. At work or on the so-called "self-development"- department. I am in the same headsapce I was when I was sixteen. I am 55. I have felt dissatisfied, disappointed and empty all my adult life. There is nothing I want to do. Life is an exercise in futility. My life is a waste. I am a waste. Nothing I do changes anything. I want to be dead. I won't last to the end of this year. I hate life.

I hate myself. I hate my job. I hate this complete loser and twat I have become. No wait, this how I am wired. To be a loser in life. Thinking back, I am not surprised I was bullied at school. I deserved to be bullied. I was a effing wimp. Stupid too. If I could talk to the then me, I would breakdown and tell him it's pointless, this is how you will end up. Broken, dissatisfied and so fkcing empty that nothing has nothing on me. I wish I was dead.

Well, myself, obviously,. But in the absence of that, My CDs. Tadaa! Soon I will take them all in to a dealer.

How I feel right now.

In my case the options are more like a "lose-lose" situation. All moot, whatever I do.

Pointless.

First, I am sorry you have to put up with crap at work @June322. And you of course, @JD4010. We have compared our respective “black lists” elsewhere on df, I recall. I probably wouldn’t even be on df if it weren’t for my “career”, ie. drifting through a succession of dead end jobs all my life. Drifting through life. I don’t know how to make decisions. More to the point, everything is just meh and whatever. I am crap at everything and I don’t really have interests. It’s like I lack soul. So I just settle with anything I can get. Yes, COVID isn’t making job-hopping easy. Not that I have found it easy before. Nowadays I have more or less given up. I will never find a job I would be happy doing. I will never get a decent pension. I am terrified of the idea of pension. My whole adult life is one big failure. I have never managed to get a degree and to be completely honest, I probably failed because I have never known what to do with myself in the first place. The only way I cope is not to think. At all. About anything than my immediate future, as in daily groceries, should I work out today, what record shall I play when I get home, etc. Thinking about anything else just makes me face the fact that the future sucks. I have no reason to believe that anything will change as all my efforts in the past have led nowhere at all. The only lesson I have learnt is that nothing is worth the effort. I am sorry I’m not much help.

Grr.. My job sucks.

Another example of extrinsic motivation. The stick/carrot variety. Another form of extrinsic motivation is conformity and the want to belong. To an extent, we are wired this way and it isn't all bad. But it would seem we get caught up in the "responsible citizen" routine and think our own personal growth and self-realization is secondary or unimportant. According to Ryan et al, it's not the kind motivation to get the best out of ourselves. In a sense, we are all in a cage, at least a part of it is self inflicted. Intrinsic motivation is all about using what we are good at, connecting with our "true tribe" and making the world a better place by enjoying what we do and in the process, giving back to any given (healthy) society. Sadly this doesn't happen very often. Most of the jobs are either a bad fit for anyone or people are tragically in the wrong place doing the wrong work, according to their respective interests or abilities. Intolerant, authoritive regimes, religions and ideologies don't help either.

Extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, according to Richard Ryan. Extrinsic motivation works pretty much like this: ”We have never disputed the power of rewards and punishments to control the behavior of organisms. Provided one condition: you’ve got them in a cage”. Food for thought, methinks.

Just fitted a new stylus onto my trusty Thorens turntable. Had it for over 30 years. The guy at hifi repairs 6 or so years ago did a top class job aligning the pick up cartridge. When I had a complete overhaul done on it. Didn't have to do a thing in the alignment department now. Listening to Gary Numan, wondering what happened to me. When I listened to this in 1982 or so, I thought I'd be an astronaut or a physicist at the very least when I grow up.. Now I am just a broken piece of machinery. Work. A productive day. Talked a lot. Have to see about the next six months at work. A lot of changes to be expected, not on a permanent basis though. God I need a new job. New life. New Me.

I finally took some advice to heart. So instead of ruminating about how bad everything is, how much I hate my job bla bla bla I actually did stuff at work. I still hate my job, I still need to reassess as to who I am and what I want, but I have to admit, I don't feel as bad now as I did in the morning.