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samadhiSheol

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samadhiSheol last won the day on April 6 2018

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About samadhiSheol

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    Heart of Darkness
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    Profile pic: Painting by Max Ernst "Der große Wald" (The great forest).

    In my dreams it is always night. When I am awake too.





    Max Ernst: Europe After The Rain

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  1. @Epictetus, you know my history pretty well. At least what I have disclosed on df. You will also know that I believe a lot of what I experience is down to existential nihilism and rumination. The Cartesian trope “cogito, ergo sum” has taken a whole new meaning in my case. I cannot NOT think. And therein lies my problem, I believe. I overthink. I underthink. There is not a moment in my life where I don’t discriminate between subject and object. I have read extensively about eastern thought, Tao, Buddhism, Hinduism in it’s various forms, esoteric Judaism, Christianity, Sufism.. I have tried zen meditation, mindfulness, yoga.. none of it ... feels like anything. Thing is, I don’t believe meditation will work for everyone. And why should it? At the end of the day people are different, with various modes of thought, feelings, perceptions. Like you said about medication, there is no panacea for mental health issues. Years back, I was treated for burn out, depression and idiopathic insomnia. I was on a few meds for a number of years , mirtazipine, alprazolam (Xanax) and also citalopram. Little by little I was weaned off Xanax and citalopram as insomnia appeared to be the root cause for my many varied mood disorders. I am on mirtazapine again (minuscule doses, good for my kind of insomnia) and have slept better in the past five years or so than ever since I was 10 or so when insomnia kicked in. Insomnia and being wired the way I am are indeed obviously linked. Trying to live in a world that wants it’s inhabitants streamlined to operate within specific established parameters, however, is evidently beyond my capabilities. So unless I find a way to live according to my idiosyncratic distinctiveness I am doomed to feel empty and destitute in this world. I believe a lot of people feel the same way I do. And that thought depresses me more than anything. What hope do any of us have?
  2. Wow. You people are amazing. So much insight. Overwhelming. In a good way. @Epictetus, I don't really mind unhappiness. It's ok really to be unhappy..but when there is no meaning to being happy/unhappy.. but knowing that you care makes me feel that much better. And @JessiesMom, that is awesome what you said about the monastery on which the monastery in The name of the Rose " is based on and you actually being at school there! Perhaps you could give "The Name" another shot? @Soarsie18, perhaps "a cure" isn't even the true answer as @MarkintheDark said and @JessiesMom implied, but finding an angle in life to be more aligned with our potential, whatever that could be. I think a large part of "depression" is the inability to dream. To think about what could make our lives tick..I know that's my issue anyhow. That and overk ill introspection, second guessing just about everything. Thank you all for contributing. You all deserve happiness in your lives...even me.
  3. I agree with most of what you say. Medication is not the cure. At it's best it can alleviate some if the symptoms(for many it's perpetual" trial and error" though). But I don't buy the" bad circuitry " as the sole reason for mental health issues, not even for schitzophrenia. A father of one of my friends had schitzohrenia and said he wouldn't have had it as bad or perhpas at all if not for being bullied into a certain type of life as a kid growing in the aftermath of WW2. His parents had certain expectations of him. He wanted to go to artschool but the parents had none of it. He was forced into tradeschool to get a "real" job. Being a conscientious young lad, he begrudgingly did what he was told (being abused at times too). He ended up dying a sad, disillusioned man broken by alcoholism, and of course with mental health issues. Not saying that brain chemistry had nothing to do with it, but boiling menal health down to chemistry or bad brain function is an over simplification and is prety much what is wrong with current streamlined treatment of mental health issues
  4. samadhiSheol

    Name of the Rose

    Depression. The catchphrase of our time. It explains everything and absolutely nothing at all (IMHO). As long as we treat mental illness as something not “us”, we are missing the point entirely. There is ALWAYS an element of personal characteristics involved with mental health issues. There are always environmental aspects to so called mood disorders, “personality disorders”, schizophrenia and bipolar too. I discovered something online(yes I know, the danger of self diagnosis bla bla .. consider me warned haha) that pretty much describes me. “Agitated depression”. It’s a bit like certain aspects of bipolar, akin to mixed featured bipolar and the like, but without the presence of the euphoric (hypo)mania. You are p issed off and angry most of the time, depressed but instead of being bed ridden and not giving a f uck, you are on edge, anxious, on the verge of a rage on a constant basis. Always on the go and it feels impossible to relax, not giving a flying f uck. There is so much bullshit involved with clinical psychiatry and pharmaceutical enterprise. So many diagnoses, so many ways to be “mentally challenged” nowadays (and so many drugs that won’t work!!)It would seem at times that having a distinctive personality at all is a mental health issue. It would seem no one is sane or healthy any more. And indeed, why would anyone be sane in a world of Trumps, Putins, latter day terrorism, social media etc? Not that anyone truly is. But that isn’t really the point is it. If you feel f ucked up, if you feel you are out of your wits and can’t cope anymore, it is probably true and you ARE entitled to get help. But for some, I don’t believe it is possible. Some of us have been around with depression and what not for decades without any considerable change. Despite the treatment. I have lost hope, if it was even there in the first place. I have been through years of therapy, a plethora of various diagnoses, docs, drugs, therapists, mindfulness. Nothing has changed, let alone helped.  Umberto Eco’s novel “The Name of the a Rose” ends with the Latin sentence:” the rose of old remains only in its name; we possess naked names.” This pretty much sums up my notion of mental health issues and indeed the term “depression”. “Life” is just a word without any true meaning too. I am more sure than ever that life is bs. Life is a pointless void and quite frankly not worth the bother. Mine sure as hell isn’t.
  5. It’s not really about what others think though is it. It’s about what we think about ourselves.
  6. Depression. The catchphrase of our time. It explains everything and absolutely nothing at all (IMHO). As long as we treat mental illness as something not “us”, we are missing the point entirely. There is ALWAYS an element of personal characteristics involved with mental health issues. There are always environmental aspects to so called mood disorders, “personality disorders”, schizophrenia and bipolar too. I discovered something online(yes I know, the danger of self diagnosis bla bla .. consider me warned haha) that pretty much describes me. “Agitated depression”. It’s a bit like certain aspects of bipolar, akin to mixed featured bipolar and the like, but without the presence of the euphoric (hypo)mania. You are p issed off and angry most of the time, depressed but instead of being bed ridden and not giving a f uck, you are on edge, anxious, on the verge of a rage on a constant basis. Always on the go and it feels impossible to relax, not giving a flying f uck. There is so much bullshit involved with clinical psychiatry and pharmaceutical enterprise. So many diagnoses, so many ways to be “mentally challenged” nowadays (and so many drugs that won’t work!!)It would seem at times that having a distinctive personality at all is a mental health issue. It would seem no one is sane or healthy any more. And indeed, why would anyone be sane in a world of Trumps, Putins, latter day terrorism, social media etc? Not that anyone truly is. But that isn’t really the point is it. If you feel f ucked up, if you feel you are out of your wits and can’t cope anymore, it is probably true and you ARE entitled to get help. But for some, I don’t believe it is possible. Some of us have been around with depression and what not for decades without any considerable change. Despite the treatment. I have lost hope, if it was even there in the first place. I have been through years of therapy, a plethora of various diagnoses, docs, drugs, therapists, mindfulness. Nothing has changed, let alone helped. Umberto Eco’s novel “The Name of the a Rose” ends with the Latin sentence:” the rose of old remains only in its name; we possess naked names.” This pretty much sums up my notion of mental health issues and indeed the term “depression”. “Life” is just a word without any true meaning too. I am more sure than ever that life is bs. Life is a pointless void and quite frankly not worth the bother. Mine sure as hell isn’t.
  7. My life as a stage act and failure.

    I hate myself and everything else too.

  8. That self help, all the Deepak Chopras, Eckhart Tolles and Oprahs etc. in the world are in essence, complete bs. Everything is.
  9. Thanks..but booze is about the only thing that gives me any relief. I can't do anything anymore without it causing pain. Alcohol takes some of that away and most times gets me out of my f ucking basket case of a head. Works better than the poison they give us in the guise of painkillers, anyhow. Probably better for the liver too. Haha. Once booze stops working, that's my cue to finish this travesty.
  10. Angry. Pi ssed off. I hate this fuc king body. I hate the constant pain. I hate fhe fact that there is no change in sight. This it. This all there f ucking is. Just when you think life is s hit, it hits the fan. I will k ill myself soon. Once I am drunk enough and have enough courage I am f ucking OUT.
  11. I think it's more about some of us being more retrospective than others, questioning our every thoughts and feelings, regardless them being "good" or "bad". I have little reason to feel the way I do. I am in a relationship, I have a job, hobby or two etc.. Yet I am at a dead end in life. I have always felt out of place and existence is meaningless. All I have ever done is coped and settled with stuff I have little or no interest in. Nothing really interests me. There doesn't appeare to be anything out there for me. Some say life is about contruting to society, helping others. From my point of view that is the extrovert solution. For some of us that doesn't help at all. At least not in the "going out there", mingling context. Recently I have found the more I am interacting with people the more tired and disillusioned I get.
  12. Flying. When I was a kid, 6 or 7, I was convinced I could learn to fly, had indeed flew! Me and schoolmate turned our coats over our heads, looking like deranged versions of Batman running down hills and jumping in the air. We were both convinced we flew, just a bit. Dunno, perhaps now that I am older and should know better, I could give it another shot.
  13. For me, it’s not so much a question of having something to live for. I need a reason not to end my life. Life is meaningless and pointless. Why live?
  14. Something I read just minutes ago. I quote: "But there was nothing she wanted to do herself, although she had all kinds of mental and practical aptitudes. Life was complete without her." Robert Musil: The man without Qualities, Picador Classics, page 1045. This is me to the letter. Exactly how I feel about myself.
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