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samadhiSheol last won the day on April 6 2018

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About samadhiSheol

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    Heart of Darkness
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    Profile pic: Painting by Max Ernst "Der große Wald" (The great forest).

    In my dreams it is always night. When I am awake too.

    Max Ernst: Europe After The Rain

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  1. I dabble. “Chaos magic “. I am not entirely sure do I believe any of it (probably not) but that is beside the point, apparently. Perhaps chaos magic is just glorified mindfulness. Haha. Thing is, I found a piece of paper with a scribbling on it. Something that looked like an ancient Irish “triskele”. Then I remembered I had drawn it, according to my “wish”, or spell if you will, into the Universe, a few months ago. Funny thing though, I don’t really remember what it was I wished. Now, according to chaos magic (the whole point is to go with your gut, there is no right or wrong, no ritual you have to adhere to) it’s part of the process to “forget” what it is you want to happen. The point is you focus your intent into the formation of the sigil and then when you do the “spell” part. But it is not obligatory or even necessary to focus on your precise wish. Well I got that part right. Hahaha. I completed the spell though, just today. And since then I have felt ... Beside myself? In a good(ish) way? I don’t know to be honest. I feel different. Once the “spell”, if you can even call it a spell, is completed, one should try and forget about it and leave it to the Universe ( read: your subconscious) to sort out the details. I have done something similar in the past and then I nearly died of fright. But that was because I invoked..something. This time it was more about sorting my life out - I think. It will remain to be seen.
  2. Yeah..I was like three when it happened..but my dad had the sense to point it out at the time..I believe it constitutes one of my first memories seeing the first landing on the moon.. not that we had any business going there in the first place..not with the primitive technology and over the board expense but I digress. Explains my penchant for sci fi and cosmology I guess. Haha.
  3. Chron Gen - Chronic Generation Uk Subs - Another Kind of Blues Pretty much the music that...
  4. Goddam typos IMMINENT as of now. That sucks, sober. Though I think I know how that feels..
  5. Reach up to the sky The rain, pouring, wets the ground Wet will always dry
  6. I don’t believe there is anything to beat, @Oscar K. It’s not that I am actually in pain or suffering. Most days I feel nothing at all. Another thing is I personally don’t consider (my) life particularly sacrosanct. If “Life “wasn’t, none of us would be here that much is true, but neither do I consider it imperative in the grand scheme of things (not that I believe in such a thing as “ grand scheme of things). Existence just is. If it wasn’t we wouldn’t be here. Simple as that.
  7. Yes, I suppose being married does indeed help, though at times it also adds to the lost feeling.. I don't tell anyone as there is no point. No one got it the first time round. Telling would just be another obstacle, another source of anxiety and bother to no end at all.
  8. “Were you initially diagnosed bipolar due to the similarities? What medications were prescribed and did any combination relieve any of the many symptoms even a little?” @Atra, All the medication I have ever been on has done absolutely nothing or made me feel worse (more suicidal, unhinged, impotence etc.) All the various diagnosis I have had ... futile. Yes, all the above diagnoses have been mine at various points of my life. Besides, I believe labeling us as “suffering from bipolar bpd, depression dissociative disorder” and whatnot is missing the point. I have written elsewhere how skewed clinical psychiatry is. One of my various therapists said we ALL have characteristics of various “mental disorders” to a more or lesser degree. How we interact (or don’t) defines how “mentally unstable” we are. There are genetic and environmental factors at play too. Situations, trauma, loss. Medical science judges us by an invented yardstick, defining a mythical “normal”, the definition which changes with each update of the Holy DSM. News drugs to proscribe. More millions to be made. I am sick and tired of all of it. I don’t want to live in this world. I don’t want this personality, this “person” I am. And the world sucks as much as I do. I don’t want anything. Death makes more sense than life. As to the “decent” degree, I meant something that could be of actual use in the job market. Entry level dead end jobs is my lot in life. Any “talent” I have, any experience I have accumulated means fck all. No I don’t really even have “talents”. Some say I am intelligent, which is total bollocks. If I am, it has been no use to me at all. This world doesn’t even want intelligence so it is moot anyhow. All this world wants is brexits and trumps. It’s not just my job. Life has burnt me out.
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