My blogs are crap.
All I am doing is spewing out the malady, the emptiness and futility that are the basic elements of my very essence. Other than that there is nothing.
I have no aspirations or dreams. I have no skill sets to put in to use. No interests to pursue. My attempts to study(they are legion and have amounted to absolutely nothing) have shown to me that I will never amount to much. I drift through life aimlessly.
I have had anger issues most of my life, I have a negative outlook on life and I don't like myself. I probably have GAD (though I take all things DSM-5 or -x or whatever with a pinch of salt).
I am over 50 and I see no change to any of this in the future. I have been called intelligent, but I beg to differ. I f I am, my "intelligence" has done sweet f uck all in improving myself or my life.
Hope, you say? "you never know what tomorrow will bring".
No I don't, but I can make an educated guess. More of the same or worse.. That is what life has taught me.
Besides, I don't even know what to hope for. I am empty in this respect too. I don't know what hope feels like. I don't really know what happinesss feels like, at least the unreserved kind.
Oh and I have been told I over-think everything. How does one "under-think"???? Or think "enough"? I could probably "under-think" by drowning myself in alcohol, porn, social media or whatnot but that's unadvisable, isn't it? Anyhow I feel a crushing weight of guilt even on the best of days and if I do indulge, so to speak I feel like dying from remorse afterwards. Not because I feel "I have sinned", but because I was so effing WEAK to give in. More yetzer hara than Original Sin but I digress.
I beat myself a lot, you know. In my view it's all justified.
I could probably deal with all of this though, if I had a decent job (all my jobs have been boring dead-end low-pay jobs), something that could pay my way AND be nice to do.
Because lets face it, spending 8-10 hours five or six times a week on average of your life on something that doesn't satisfy you to the least and barely covers your costs, it will eat you from within. It has done that to me once and I am on route for a second major break down.
I have all the symptoms of burnout and now with this virus bs, I feel more hopeless than ever. I thought that hopelssness was a fixed state.The absence of hope, pure and simple. I had no idea it could get even worse.
The world Post-COVID-19 will be a world of more uncertainty, probable global economic depresson and more unrest, mass unemployment and countries will fold in onto themselves in fear of more outside threats...More nationalism and despotism...
We all know the trope "money won't solve your problems", "or money won't make you happy". Of course money can't address the emptiness and meaninglessness of life but money can go a long way to make life easier so that you have the time and (lets face it folks, we need money for decent therapy) money to pay your bills without worrying about next month.
.Not that money will make much difference if we fall into an economic depression like in the 1920'-30s...
Sorry, ranting again.
It all boils down to what one considers a life worth living. I don't believe life has intrinsic value. That's our job to do, both on a personal or collective leve,l to give life meaning. I have failed at this too.
My life is worth living if certain conditions are met. I must point out, I am speaking of myself, I am not entiltled to make these kinds of judgments about anyone else. No one is.
But I can't understand how people survive stuff like holocausts, poverty, torture, wars, oppression. You see people, if that would happen to me, I would end my life immediately. Because life isn't worth living in conditions like that, imho.
If there is sweet f.a you can do about it, "changing what you can" doesn't help one bit. Not from where I stand anyhow. COVID-19 might be turning point for me.
Ok, this just me spewing crap, but this is how I have felt my entire life. Reading Viktor Frankl, for example(we are told to look into Frankl's "Man's search for meaning" if one is trying to figure out what the fff we are supposed to do on this sad planet) made no sense to me at all. In fact it just fortified my view I have had for a long time now.
We are emphatically not the same, us humans. We think differently, we talk differently, we react differently. Our temperments also define in part as to how we react. People DID k ill themselves in death camps or Nazi Regime of WWII. Not everyone had hope to hang on.
For some hope is an absolute not unlike the concept of god. For some, it is more of a question of critical mass. Give certain types of people enough hell in their lives, they will succumb to despair and lose the capability of hoping.
It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job.
So yes, gratitude. I am grateful(at least I try to be) for what I have. But it doesn't change anything. I still hate my job, I am still wasting away, Becoming bitter and even more angry and hopeless about the future.
I just think this party is over and I haven't really enjoyed it. And perhaps I can't stand parties at all and when they get crappy enough it's exit time.