samadhiSheol

Thanks for you kind words, @jkd_sd. Though my point, if there is any point in anything I do or say, was I have never understood how it's supposed to help, knowing there are others out there who are experiencing the same. It sure as hell doesn't help me. In fact it has always made me feel worse. All I do is repeat the same old because there is nothing else to say. And I am fed up. With life. With myself. With everything. I don't truly connect with anyone. Not even on df. At the end of the day people are just..I don't know what they are. Neither do I know who or what I am. Other than a loser and failure. Unto myself I am. Couldn't care less about the joneses.

I’m sorry that constitutes as “spoiler”. Phasers on stun. Fire at will (poor Will).

Cause why would they not send a back up nuclear fission module with the Mars mission??? Can’t be the cost. The whole project must have cost more than the expenditure of the entire world until that point.. Haha. Sorry, I am in the process of watching “MARS” on Netflix. I think it’s awesome, but there are obvious flaws in the script.. I suppose a back up generator and the whole” playing it safe” makes bad drama. Haha. Back to Mars..

Martin Denny. I love me exotica!!

Theme of “Bladerunner”. In my head. I AM a jukebox.

I don’t know why I even bother posting anymore. It gets me nowhere. Why does it help? How does it help? It doesn’t help me. What’s the point of this pointless rinse and repeat routine? On df and in life too. Nothing changes whatever I say or do. Nothing ever does.

Well, I never even made it to college. Too stoopid . so refigure your dream they say. Done that a thousand times, but I obviously don’t want anything enough if at all. I don’t know how to dream or what to dream of. Or perhaps I am just too stupid for that too.

Empty and angry. As always. Ill. Hopefully this WILL be the death of me.

I have mentioned this before, I believe. One of my first memories was the Apollo 11 mission, Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, June 1969. To be honest, I probably didn't see it live nor really remember it at the time. But my first long standing "what do you want to be when you grow up" - dream was to be an astronaut. To see the stars "up there", perhaps the rings of Saturn too and a galaxy or three á la Star Trek, cause surely we would be there by 2001!! I would remember Aldrin or Armstrong moonwalking. The real deal not the Michael Jackson version. Haha. "I'll be doing that someday". That was the thought I held onto until reality dashed my dreams into a million pieces when I was a teen. I realized I hadn't the clout either mentally or physically to ever be even considered on a future moon mission or whatever. Then there was the school bullying too, which pretty much crushed any little self esteem or confidence I still had left in me. Later on, fast forward 10 years or so more I realized I wouldn't even get a college degree in physics or math. I just couldn't get my head around any of it. I couldn't get my head around anything. I am that stupid. If for nothing else then dreaming. Then there was the disillusionment of the 80's and 90's when I realized humanity wasn't interested in actually making a future. It was obsessed with making money, keeping hold of it and in effect creating a new dark age of fossil fuels and disinformation, which has continued to this day. I also realized the whole "race to space" thing of the 1960's was fueled by cold war politics and striving to being the top dog in world politics. Humanity didn't actually have the clout to go "up there", so to speak, in the first place. It was like the giant pyramids of Giza of 4000 years ago. At the end of the day the pyramids were a colossal waste of human life for the glorification of men who thought themselves gods. Ingenious to be sure, but totally pointless in the sense that the culture itself wasn't really up to the job. Neither did we really have the resources or the true technology to actually make going into space really worth the effort. All we proved was "yeah we were there". But to date we are still here, on earth making a mess of everything, suffering from overpopulation, poverty, discrimination, using up natural resources and and being so complacent it's not funny at all. God I hate us. Nowadays I see no future for myself either. I don't want to live in this world. I have no idea how it could even change to anything resembling good. I will never do what I dreamed for the simple reason I don't have dreams anymore. Nothing in life is worth the effort. I have lived for over 50 years and as far as dreams are concerned, it would have been better if I had died when Apollo 11 was over. My life really ended then. Dreams don't really exist. Not for the likes of me.

I have mentioned this before, I believe. One of my first memories was the Apollo 11 mission, Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, June 1969. To be honest, I probably didn't see it live nor really remember it at the time. But my first long standing "what do you want to be when you grow up" - dream was to be an astronaut. To see the stars "up there", perhaps the rings of Saturn too and a galaxy or three á la Star Trek, cause surely we would be there by 2001!! I would remember Aldrin or Armstrong moonwalking. The real deal not the Michael Jackson version. Haha. "I'll be doing that someday". That was the thought I held onto until reality dashed my dreams into a million pieces when I was a teen. I realized I hadn't the clout either mentally or physically to ever be even considered on a future moon mission or whatever. Then there was the school bullying too, which pretty much crushed any little self esteem or confidence I still had left in me. Later on, fast forward 10 years or so more I realized I wouldn't even get a college degree in physics or math. I just couldn't get my head around any of it. I couldn't get my head around anything. I am that stupid. If for nothing else then dreaming. Then there was the disillusionment of the 80's and 90's when I realized humanity wasn't interested in actually making a future. It was obsessed with making money, keeping hold of it and in effect creating a new dark age of fossil fuels and disinformation, which has continued to this day. I also realized the whole "race to space" thing of the 1960's was fueled by cold war politics and striving to being the top dog in world politics. Humanity didn't actually have the clout to go "up there", so to speak, in the first place. It was like the giant pyramids of Giza of 4000 years ago. At the end of the day the pyramids were a colossal waste of human life for the glorification of men who thought themselves gods. Ingenious to be sure, but totally pointless in the sense that the culture itself wasn't really up to the job. Neither did we really have the resources or the true technology to actually make going into space really worth the effort. All we proved was "yeah we were there". But to date we are still here, on earth making a mess of everything, suffering from overpopulation, poverty, discrimination, using up natural resources and and being so complacent it's not funny at all. God I hate us. Nowadays I see no future for myself either. I don't want to live in this world. I have no idea how it could even change to anything resembling good. I will never do what I dreamed for the simple reason I don't have dreams anymore. Nothing in life is worth the effort. I have lived for over 50 years and as far as dreams are concerned, it would have been better if I had died when Apollo 11 was over. My life really ended then. Dreams don't really exist. Not for the likes of me.

Should have stayed home. I can't stand my colleugue right now. Annoys me like nothing else. My JOB SUCKS. Oh well, works both ways I guess. My passive-aggressive approach to my s hit job probably annoys people too. My low tolerance for stress and shortemperedness is even lower as I am tired and still have a cold. But I need to see a doc for more sickleave and I can't be bothered. It will probably pass by tomorrow or Wednesday anyhow. Have I told you all I hate my job? Haha.

24 hours from Tulsa - Gene Pitney For some reason it just started playing in my head a couple of days ago. Not a bad tune to be stuck with though.

Or maybe there is no reason for anything. No he’ll or heaven, no purpose or ultimate meaning of life. We live we die and that’s it. No god or anything.

Like the imposter I am. I am not real. Right now though, I have a cold and I don’t give flying f...

I am so sorry you feel this way. I think part of the problem is the “music” we are forced to face. It’s not really ours. We need to make our own music and. ..?just ignore the rest. It’s hard but there are people out there who have found there own way in life, so it is possible. All the best, Dg007. You deserve it.