samadhiSheol

Hopeless. More than ever. I can see nothing good anywhere even on the best of days. The best I can do is distract myself from any sort of thinking for a few moments at at a time. And believe me when I say it isn't constructive activity. Nothing seems worth doing. Nothing has any impact. All I see is the world going to hell in a handbasket at an increasing speed. I want to be dead. Sooner the better.

Listening to the _________________________________________________ sound in my head. I have occasional tinnitus. Never too bad to cause concern. Too tired to listen to anything decent(or less decent).

Since covid-19 took the world by storm I have been a nervous wreck. I can’t focus on anything. Even after an hour or so’s run and exercise, I can’t stop worrying. But not really about the f ucking virus. Not about mortality rates. I am worried and p issed off about the way we react. The way that the virus isn’t really the cause of the chaos and panic but we are. I am more worried about the aftermath of the virus. Cause this won’t be over anytime soon. The downward spiral of global economy, the impact it will have. Countries folding in on themselves, nationalism and separatism on the rise. More bs, more panic, more despair. Another thing entirely is that the true reason we are all running amok about co f ucking vid19 is that for the first time in a while this is also a first world threat. Malaria kills over 400 000 people a year. Give or take, consistently, Every year. But it’s not really a first world problem. Tourists for sure, but they aren’t the ones dying. So no one is really interested. Little if any news coverage.

Just like to add my two cents..or pence.. as to who is at risk, according to WHO. If I understood correctly one is more at risk for severe symptoms at an age of 60 or above and /or with an underlying disease. As to over 40’s, I quote: “..and those with underlying medical conditions (such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, chronic respiratory disease, and cancer). The risk of severe disease gradually increases with age starting from around 40 years.” (CORONAVIRUS DISEASE 2019, SITUATION REPORT 51, WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION) So if you are in basic good health without any of the aforementioned underlying diseases and you don’t smoke and under sixty(in my neck of the woods they say 70 but better to be on the safe side) you shouldn’t be at higher risk. Keep safe, don’t take unnecessary risks and wash your hands, boys and girls, you’ll all do just fine. (they should have an elbow greeting emoticon.. this is actually politically incorrect under the circumstances..haha)

Take care of yourself Gisele.

Oh and clutter. Both in my head and in the household. Cd's all of them. Some of my books I won't be reading anymore. And a few pounds of weight..10 would be nice.

My blogs are crap. All I am doing is spewing out the malady, the emptiness and futility that are the basic elements of my very essence. Other than that there is nothing. Moving on.. I have no aspirations or dreams. I have no skill sets to put in to use. No interests to pursue. My attempts to study(they are legion and have amounted to absolutely nothing) have shown to me that I will never amount to much. I drift through life aimlessly. I have had anger issues most of my life, I have a negative outlook on life and I don't like myself. I probably have GAD (though I take all things DSM-5 or -x or whatever with a pinch of salt). I am over 50 and I see no change to any of this in the future. I have been called intelligent, but I beg to differ. I f I am, my "intelligence" has done sweet f uck all in improving myself or my life. Hope, you say? "you never know what tomorrow will bring". No I don't, but I can make an educated guess. More of the same or worse.. That is what life has taught me. Besides, I don't even know what to hope for. I am empty in this respect too. I don't know what hope feels like. I don't really know what happinesss feels like, at least the unreserved kind. Oh and I have been told I over-think everything. How does one "under-think"???? Or think "enough"? I could probably "under-think" by drowning myself in alcohol, porn, social media or whatnot but that's unadvisable, isn't it? Anyhow I feel a crushing weight of guilt even on the best of days and if I do indulge, so to speak I feel like dying from remorse afterwards. Not because I feel "I have sinned", but because I was so effing WEAK to give in. More yetzer hara than Original Sin but I digress. I beat myself a lot, you know. In my view it's all justified. I could probably deal with all of this though, if I had a decent job (all my jobs have been boring dead-end low-pay jobs), something that could pay my way AND be nice to do. Because lets face it, spending 8-10 hours five or six times a week on average of your life on something that doesn't satisfy you to the least and barely covers your costs, it will eat you from within. It has done that to me once and I am on route for a second major break down. I have all the symptoms of burnout and now with this virus bs, I feel more hopeless than ever. I thought that hopelssness was a fixed state.The absence of hope, pure and simple. I had no idea it could get even worse. The world Post-COVID-19 will be a world of more uncertainty, probable global economic depresson and more unrest, mass unemployment and countries will fold in onto themselves in fear of more outside threats...More nationalism and despotism... Rant. We all know the trope "money won't solve your problems", "or money won't make you happy". Of course money can't address the emptiness and meaninglessness of life but money can go a long way to make life easier so that you have the time and (lets face it folks, we need money for decent therapy) money to pay your bills without worrying about next month. .Not that money will make much difference if we fall into an economic depression like in the 1920'-30s... Sorry, ranting again. It all boils down to what one considers a life worth living. I don't believe life has intrinsic value. That's our job to do, both on a personal or collective leve,l to give life meaning. I have failed at this too. My life is worth living if certain conditions are met. I must point out, I am speaking of myself, I am not entiltled to make these kinds of judgments about anyone else. No one is. But I can't understand how people survive stuff like holocausts, poverty, torture, wars, oppression. You see people, if that would happen to me, I would end my life immediately. Because life isn't worth living in conditions like that, imho. If there is sweet f.a you can do about it, "changing what you can" doesn't help one bit. Not from where I stand anyhow. COVID-19 might be turning point for me. Ok, this just me spewing crap, but this is how I have felt my entire life. Reading Viktor Frankl, for example(we are told to look into Frankl's "Man's search for meaning" if one is trying to figure out what the fff we are supposed to do on this sad planet) made no sense to me at all. In fact it just fortified my view I have had for a long time now. We are emphatically not the same, us humans. We think differently, we talk differently, we react differently. Our temperments also define in part as to how we react. People DID k ill themselves in death camps or Nazi Regime of WWII. Not everyone had hope to hang on. For some hope is an absolute not unlike the concept of god. For some, it is more of a question of critical mass. Give certain types of people enough hell in their lives, they will succumb to despair and lose the capability of hoping. It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job. So yes, gratitude. I am grateful(at least I try to be) for what I have. But it doesn't change anything. I still hate my job, I am still wasting away, Becoming bitter and even more angry and hopeless about the future. I just think this party is over and I haven't really enjoyed it. And perhaps I can't stand parties at all and when they get crappy enough it's exit time.

Hopefully all goes well, Riv. Me too!

Sorry again. I hate making mistakes and I am hard on myself when i realize the mistake. Anyway, COVID-19 is the illness, SARS-CoV-2 the virus, apparently. I have been calling the virus covid19. Now I will ponder about that for a week or so. Sigh.

I feel energized. but not in a good way. Anxiety level is overboard and I am depressed in a manic way. So angry and pissed off too. Pretty much how I am mostly, so nothing new really.

I don't believe in conspiracy theories for the sole reason that humanity has neither the stamina or the vision for long term planning let alone conspiracies. And we are too self centred and greedy. And sooo stupid. Humantity is constantly fumbling in the dark. If we do stumble upon an idea or invention that could change humanity and the planet for the better, the first thing we do is to make a weapon out of it, second to see how could we make money out of it for maximum profit. No conspiracy, just our nature.

The usual suspects:fear, hopelessness anger. But I can't.

Sorry about my recent blasts of negativity. Yes, this is what I feel, but as is always the case, it isn't the whole story. My posts are hardly helping as I realize there are people other than me who get triggered by crap like this. So sorry all of you.

The world will not learn from this ****ed up experience. And there is little it can do anyhow. This is just the begining. Too many people in the world. There will be more viruses in the future. More panic. More down grade. But its not the virus. Its us. Our panic. Our stupidity. Humanity is screwed. I have no intention of sticking around. What would be the point? I have trouble living as it is. I can't take anymore challenges. I am at the end of my rope. I want to be dead now.