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samadhiSheol

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samadhiSheol last won the day on April 6 2018

samadhiSheol had the most liked content!

About samadhiSheol

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    Platinum Member

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  • Location
    Heart of Darkness
  • Interests
    David Bowie

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  1. Doctor: Depression..it's just a female thing you know, hysteria and all that. Patient: WTF?? Doctor: You're a man, you can't be depressed! Happened to an aquaintance of mine 15 or so years ago.
  2. Creativity is the act of defining emptiness, giving meaning to absence.

    1. JD4010

      JD4010

      For better or worse, I ain't ever been creative. I flunked art class in fifth grade.

    2. samadhiSheol

      samadhiSheol

      Oh ART..

      creativity isn't equal to art, or more to the point art isn't equivalent to creativity. I didn't have art in mind. Not in the convenional, "painting-on-the-wall"- sense.

      I meant..just living I guess. Creativity as a means for survival.

      Believe me when I say you are way more creative than you give credit for yourself, @JD4010.

    3. JD4010

      JD4010

      Thank you. I guess my ability to come up with quick comebacks could be considered creative. I can be a real smart-ass.

  3. An obscure (but awesome) pale ale-y thing. A dram of “Diplomatico” Rum. Accompanied with a dose of Machito and his Afro-Cuban Orchestra..(I urge you to listen to “Asia Minor” ) I am everywhere again.
  4. Caught in a PIL loop. Listening to the seminal “Metal Box”. “I could be wrong It could be hate As far as I can see Clinging desperately Imagining pretending No personality Dragging on and on and on and on And on and on and on and on I think you're slightly late Slightly late This person's had enough of useless memories”
  5. Public Image Limited - Theme the lyrics. OMFG the lyrics. The sheer catharsis of 70’s “punk” has not been addressed properly.
  6. Just finished reading Mathias Enard's "Compass". Something on one of the last pages struck a chord: "The world needs intergration, diasporas. Europe is no longer my continent, so I can go back to it. Be part of the networks that intersect there, explore it as a stranger. Bring something to it. Give, in my return, and bring to light the gift of diversity." Reading this passage from the aforementioned book was a satori moment for me. It's ok to feel an outsider. It's ok to feel out of place. We can give, show our distinctiveness to the world and make it a richer place. Or something.
  7. Just finished reading Mathias Enard's "Compass". Something on one of the last pages struck a chord:

    "The world needs intergration, diasporas. Europe is no longer my continent, so I can go back to it. Be part of the networks that intersect there, explore it as a stranger. Bring something to it. Give, in my return, and bring to light the gift of diversity."

    Reading this passage from the aforementioned book was a satori moment for me.

    It's ok to feel an outsider. It's ok to feel out of place. We can give, show our distinctiveness to the world and make it a richer place.

    Or something.

  8. I find it impossible to be ..happy for want for a better word. Satisfaction. Accomplishment. Meaning.

    Yada yada. You have all heard this before. I am the proverbial broken record.

    Because I feel EMPTY, VOID the whole time, whenever I do something, anything or not.

    Camus or someone else of the existentialist persuasion wrote something to the extent:

    Living a life not ending up k Illing yourself is a meaning of life enough. My wording, but the gist of the original is there. Not entirely sure what it means to be honest. In my case, I put it down to cowardice.

    Nothing I do leads anywhere. It’s as if everything I do is a substitution or play- acting for the real thing, life, whatever it is.

    I realized a while back how stuck I was in my life. My job. ME. I am stuck being someone I don’t recognize AT ALL. And the true tragedy is I have been like this my whole adult life.

    This isn’t what I want from life. Yet I haven’t a clue(I have always been lost) as to who I want to be and what I want.

    I have said this a million times before: I feel dead inside. At the very least an imposter, a fake person.

    Nothing gives me true pleasure. Neither  have I ever felt I have achieved anything. 

    I hate my job. A lot of the crap stems from this. All my jobs have been the same in essence though. Entry level. Menial. Low pay. Dead end. 

    I don’t know what to do any more. I am scared of the future. Old age terrifies me. I don’t want to live to be 70 or 75, living on a pittance(that is pretty much certain as I have no savings), just getting more sick. 

    I will be dead long before that. I will find the courage to end this .. excuse of a life.

    Fcku this sh it. 

     

    1. JD4010

      JD4010

      So much of that is familiar. I feel like a fake person as well.

      I also dread "getting old" and being sick. I don't want to be a burden on anyone, especially my daughter.

  9. I wish you all were on the ride I am on now. I feel GOOD. Though I acted uncharacteristically just an hour ago. Bantering with complete strangers at the pub for fxxcks sake. I NEVER do that.
  10. I wish you didn't feel like that. But in 15 minutes or two weeks or NOW I could feel the same.. Sucks. But nevertheless, I hope you feel better soon sober.
  11. My crazy vamped up mind is thinking of devoloping my own martial art style. Simultaneously I am pondering on the effects and possible consequences of quantum indeterminacy and non-locality. As I said on another thread or perhaps it was this one I am fffckin EVERYWHERE! And it feels awesome.
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