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LeighChan

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About LeighChan

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  • Birthday October 27

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    Female
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    Hong Kong

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  1. Hey guys, its me ... again. Same guy, story continues. So before he left for Australia to study, we met up again and decided to have an honest conversation about where we are at with our relationship (We broke up half a year ago I think, then gradually started to rebuild our relationship, but currently still remaining at the friends only level). And during our conversation, optimistically of course I hoped for some progress (Because honestly I love this person very much. He was the person who got me through my two-time suicide attempts during my time of depression (actually still having depression, present tense). Ever since then I am very very emotionally attached to him. It may sound exaggerated, but literally he is the reason why I continue to survive). The entire conversation wasn't completely bad. However, there are some things that he said that up to this moment I still don't know whether I should take it positively or negatively, especially when I don't quite know how to see it from a guy's perspective. For example: 1. He told me he can at most treat me as a very very good friend. (Positive thinking: At least we are currently peaceful at a good position. vs. Negative thinking: "At most"? Am I ever going to be able to get back together with him?) 2. "Even if I do find someone else over there. It doesn't mean I will dump you." (Actually at that very moment I was only thinking, "Oh no! Is he going to return with someone else and then I know I will be extremely devastated and I know I will not be able to handle it." (I actually have been cheated on by another guy who went overseas to Canada before. He returned to Hong Kong telling me he is already with someone else and dumped me. I feel like at this moment the entire situation is repeating itself) I couldn't quite shed any light to this. I couldn't really imagine just being his friend and seeing him with his significant other. To me, it is my nightmare scenario.) 3. (I don't know whether this is my fault actually) When I asked him whether he thinks we would at least have a chance to get back together at this point, he told me, "The chances are low." (Positive thinking: At least there is a chance and he didn't say absolutely no chances. vs. Negative thinking: If my chances are so low then my hopes of getting back together may be shattered.) Ever since then I kept re-thinking about our conversation. In addition, we have now entered a long-distance relationship. I miss him very much and it really is agonizing to not have him around as my only supporter. I couldn't talk to my parent (mother only ... divorced family) because I will have serious consequences if have a meltdown in front of her. I have mentioned it in my previous posts. The weirdest and most painful thing is, I'm starting to think too much. I could imagine a normal person would say for someone my age (16) to think so deeply and so beyond is absolutely crazy. I'm starting to have this recurring dream of seeing him walk down the aisle on his wedding day, and then seeing the bride isn't me, but someone else. I'm witnessing as the spectator, and I can do nothing but cry because there's no longer anything I can do at that point in the future to gain the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship back, if that truly happens. At the same time, physically it is very painful. I am so used to having a warm hug at least once a month whenever I see him. It is the only moment despite all the crap I'm going through that I truly felt as though someone did care for me and I can be happy. Now come to think of it, I have no idea when he will return to Hong Kong. And I don't know why I feel like I have this need at such a young age (sometimes I feel disgusted by it), but then I sometimes really feel like I wanted the hug so badly, like I wanted the physical contact and warmth so badly. It hurts knowing I have no idea when the next time would be. It hurts more to remember the fact that he only hugged me when I was still his girlfriend, not as a friend. I know one thing. I know the type of person he wishes me to be. I know the type of person I need to be in order to have a higher chance for him to get back together with me again. He wants me to be the constantly positive person, the one who is very fun and outgoing. Through the time when we were rebuilding our relationship, I've been trying to transform myself into that type of person, despite the fact I am still suffering from depression and have lots of stress regarding school work (I'm doing my IB diploma program). And its not that I don't want to be fun and outgoing, its just simply the fact that students in Hong Kong have very very very packed schedules and I'm not the person who is the socialite in the group. I don't have many friends for a fact. I am better than I was before at the peak of my depression state. However, I haven't done enough to show him I could be that type of person he wishes me to be. But then, at this moment, I feel like with all the anxiety and worries and the sadness of him not being around, I find myself in a position where I find it even more difficult to transform myself into this complete optimistic person. And the tough part is, I have to be that person in order to at least raise the chances. A lot is in my brain right now and I just don't know how to digest everything. I'm just worried, pure worried. And I think provided I got through two suicide attempts in his support and care, he means too much to me. It makes me even more anxious about our future than ever before.
  2. Hey guys, so I haven't posted for a long time. But I'm still talking about the same guy as I did in my previous posts so for more information check my previous posts. So basically ever since the time we broke up we have been slowly mending our relationship (about half a year from the breakup now). At present, we have reached a state of what I like to call a state of confusion: We are sort of at the boundary between friends and boyfriend girlfriends. We have went out alone a few times, but they weren't quite the same as before. We didn't hug as we used to, we didn't talk about any feelings as we did before. In front of me, we only chat about casual topics. In front of my mother (they keep in touch), he kind of hints that perhaps he still have feelings for me: E.g. He texted to my mother "I still like her" and when my mother asked him perhaps wait until university then take the relationship to the next level, he said "Yes". So it's December and I know his time in Hong Kong is almost up since he is going overseas to study in Australia (He's leaving on the 31st). And I had hoped this Christmas would be a joyful one or perhaps there is a tiny hint of progress to where we are in our relationship right now. And my mother also told me he would be visiting on Christmas Day (When she asked him to arrange something nice on Christmas Day he said "yes") So I was rather looking forward to everything, even though deep down I was getting upset since of course naturally I would miss him like hell and would want him to be on my side. But then on the 18th when we went out I asked him to confirm whether he is coming on the 25th and he replied as though he had no idea he had to come and finally told me he couldn't make it. So basically on the 18th it was the last time we meet before he leaves and I of course wasn't expecting it to be the last day. But that wasn't the most devastating. We texted a few days later, and here is the exact conversation; Me: U don't miss me ... at all Him: Not much Me: hi i'm sorry Him: Ok Me: Did u really have to block me though Block my messages I mean Him: Aaron Tsang Yeah Me: Can u not do that from now on It's really devastating Him: Why And do you know why? Me: Cuz u don't want to talk about feelings Him: Yeah Not about feelings Your feelings Specifically Me: Do u understand that I'm very sensitive to emotion and u doing something like this will really hurt me I'm just asking can u please don't do that anymore Don't block my messages Him: So I have to follow what you want me to do? Me: It's just a simple thing I'm not bossing u around I'm not ordering u or forcing u into anything Him: You have negative emotions That's why I decided to block You're not wishing me all the best when I get to Australia Me: I did I did a long time ago I did I even wrote u emails a long time ago I did Him: You are just crying Miss me Me: Please stop I'm sorry ok Him: It just makes me feel uncomfortable It seems you don't want me to go Me: STOP IM SORRY I DIDNT THINK U WOULD TAKE IT SO NEGATIVELY PLEASE IM SORRY STOP !!!!!! Sorry sorry sorry I'm sorry I won't say those things again if u don't want to hear it Him: There's one more thing Me: I'm sorry I'm so sorry please don't be mad at me ... Him: When I leave, you always start to have a bad feeling, like a sudden depression coming through you. When I refuse to hug you, you would just stare at me, the expression makes me feel so uncomfortable too. Me: I get that U want me to stop that right ? Him: I understand it's sad But it makes me very very uncomfortable Me: Fine I know u don't like it Ok fine But please I don't understand Why I can't even miss u It's normal that I should miss u Him: I didn't say you can't miss me But Let me finish You shouldn't express negativity when you miss me Instead You should be positive And not by saying I should not find a girlfriend there and whatsoever Yes I'll try not to Me: so there's a chance you might ... Him: You should be looking forward to seeing me soon But you're just sad Although I Know It's sad for everyone But you should be positive and wish me all the best Me: can i just be honest for one second i want to explain Him: I'm being very honest too It's what I've been hiding for a very very long time Me: can i talk now Him: Go ahead I'm waiting Me: i said i didn't want you to have a girlfriend there because this is what happened to me in the past when guys go overseas and come back with new girlfriends and breaking my heart. and unfortunately, i don't know whether you accept this fact or not, but i still have feelings for you Me: and i don't want the same ordeal to happen to me again Him: Yeah I know Me: and yesterday when i asked you whether you miss me Him: But why can't I? Me: i have feelings for you and it hasn't died Him: Yes yes yes Ok ok ok Me: and you said "not so much" when i asked you whether you miss me at all provided we've gone through so much since s1 together that hurts Him: Yeah It hurts for me too Being forced to do so many stuff, helping you I've done a lot Me: yes you still remember but it seems you remember all the bad sides of me haven't i done any good at all do you know how bad that feels from my perspective Him: Yes I absolutely know Me: and yes i have been finding hard to handle the situation with you leaving and i have not been handling my insecurities well Him: I have Me: because its not like before where for a period of time you still loved me now i feel so insecure about whether you might find a significant other over there i'm so scared because i have feelings for you Him: Yeah I know I know i know Me: and i hope you realize from my perspective how difficult i am feeling at this moment Him: Em Of course Feeling sad and stuff Me: that is why i keep saying, "please don't find another girlfriend." i'm preventing myself to be hurt devastatingly by letting you know Him: Stop giving me the negativity In fact you're still doing it Which makes me very very uncomfortable Me: i still have feelings for you, basically that i'm just being honest i'll stop now i have said what i want to say and i hope you understand that's all Him: Okok Me: and hopefully, you really won't find another girlfriend there Him: Please can you stop Say something else please Me: ok i'll stop Him: If you really want to express your negativity, please don't find Find someone else Me: please stop thinking i am negative please i just want you to understand please Him: I'm not thinking you are I feel like you are To me Me: please stop, i'm just being honest with you and you are being honest with me Him: And I feel very uncomfortable Me: that's communication i have stopped please please please stop punishing my emotions please please i've stopped Him: Okok Me: can u please Him: Fine I'm so mad Me: at me? i'm sorry if you are i don't want you to be mad at me i never wanted you to be mad at me and i'm sorry sorry As you can see I have my own reasons for insecurity (and from the way he answered I feel more insecure). And its starting to upset me more and more because each time from our conversations such as this one I feel as though the hopes of us getting back together truly as a couple is gradually declining and I really really love this person (i've been with him for four years before the breakup). And sure I feel happy for him going overseas to study but at the same time I couldn't help but feel upset about the entire situation (I couldn't possibly be entirely happy, especially provided I'm not 100% recovered from depression). And it worries me that from the way he answered it is as though he is stone-hearted and emotionally numb. And all my hopes for this Christmas, as well as the progress we've made since the break up, seem to have shattered after this conversation. By the way, I am all alone this Christmas and I feel like everyone is leaving me (Mother went to vacation without me, he is leaving, Dad was divorced long ago so he wouldn't be here) All I could do is to cry in my room about everything... and I see my friends and their boyfriends/ girlfriends come back from overseas and everyone is sweet and they reunite and everything and I'm standing there watching them thinking ... damn. I would be wrecked if he comes back telling me there is a significant other.
  3. Hey guys, It's been a while since I last posted. But I am so drowned in tears and blank lately that it scares me. So it has been about a month and slightly more since my 3-year boyfriend broke up with me (see my previous posts on the forum for details) and up till now the agony of not having him around is still equivalent to searing pain in my heart. But the worst thing is, school has started for about a month and without him I realized I couldn't function half as well as I did before. I'm now form 5, which is year 12, and am studying IB. With all the workload piling up, especially coming from a top school in Hong Kong where everyone is a genius and the pressure is very much present, I get confused all the time as to what I am doing, often losing quite a fair amount of will to actually continue. Basically, in simple words, I have no idea what I am doing. I feel as though my self-esteem has went along with him when he broke up with me, or even my sense of direction in life generally speaking. I was so dependent on him to provide me with happiness and self-confidence that I don't know how to cope with even more strenuous situations at school now that he isn't present. I couldn't take a break though (honestly I can only manage to sleep at most 5 hours everyday) or else I wouldn't be able to catch up. I feel insecure letting myself rest. Sometimes, when others are working and I'm resting I just feel that I'm lazy. I've tried to stop and try to process the entire situation and how to help myself be slightly happier without him around etc. Still, the crying comes back day after day. I simply feel I couldn't survive without him. Ever since school started, circumstances are even worst than during summer vacation, the time he broke up with me. I couldn't stop. My entire body is feeling utterly defeated.
  4. So its been two weeks since I broke up with my 3-year ex boyfriend. My mind is very blank without him. Honestly, I only do my daily routines which I am required to do. Other than that. I feel so lost and hollow let's say that I don't even have the capacity to really think much or really do anything, even of my interest, outside of the regular schedule. Before, he was my only motivation, especially during my time of family conflicts, the time of divorce, all the harsh school work, my miserable days being dragged into hospital forcefully by my parents because of depression etc. He was the only one there for me and gave me positive reinforcement to help me with my self-esteem and keep me going. Now, its like every part of me is ripped apart and without him I'm just a piece of garbage in the wasteland. Nothing functions these days. I constantly watch movies to use up my time (I find reality too horrible to face without him really). There is a part of me which somehow says get up and start functioning but every time I am always pulled back by the remorse. I suppose I still think that I would wait for him, maybe when he's older, to start the relationship all over since he said he wasn't ready at the moment (thought that's not the only reason he says ever since I got depression I am a totally different person in a bad way and he couldn't stand my negativity or the fact that I constantly request so much care from him that he finds me needy) . Holding onto the thought, (even Mum agrees) I can sometimes feel slightly comfortable, like somehow he's still there. But yet again, it will slip away. And I can't decide whether I want to just put the subject behind me for the time being until the moment has come. My brain tells me opposite. I start to get jealous when other couples (my friends, classmates) walk by beside me with them being very sweet-looking and everything. I get upset whenever I see romantic scenes from movies (or at the very least, blank) ... My brain tells me that even though I might be with him again one day, I still don't want to put it behind. Yet, most people would tell me that I should just move on or something (which sometimes insult me because I think they don't about how important he is to me when they say that). My mind is totally confused. Worse, in addition to all the distress.
  5. Hey everyone. Its me. Well as some of you may know, my boyfriend for 3 years broke up with me recently. I am of course shattered by the news and even though its been a week I still couldn't get rid of the melancholy. I constantly find my mother, whenever I feel sad or I am having some issues because she is the only person in the family (family divorced) and my friends ... well its hard to tell them given that they don't know anything about my previous relationship, plus i don't have many. However, I find that my mother refuses to listen to my feelings as she claims that I am constantly annoying her with the issue. The thing is, we both have depression... and we sometimes argue over who is currently having a worse situation or who is more depressed. For instance, I tell her that I'm just trying to express my feelings because of my recent breakup and its a very difficult time for me etc. But then she says that she is taking more anti-depressants than I do and she is taking sleeping pills (which I don't) and that's why she doesn't want to hear it because she cannot be a good listener. I keep thinking to myself, if she did care for my current situation and how depressed I was without my ex she wouldn't completely ignore me whenever I speak of the subject. Quite often in fact, things escalate to a point where the argument gets very ugly. Like last night she said that if I continue to nag her about it she wouldn't take care of me or she would just go away. She even says things like I'm a ghost that literally tags on her all the time. That made me even more upset and I start to cry loudly adding on to the fact that I'm already crying because of the breakup. One thing she likes to do is to threaten me to send me to hospital or call the police as she knows I'm afraid of such situations and that would definitely shut me up. By that time, whenever she holds up the phone I get scared because I have no idea whether she is trying to dial 999 (emergency number in Hong Kong) and I know I can't talk her out of it once she decides to do that so all I can do is to physically stop her (which I'm not proud of), like trying to take the phone off her or something. And sometimes if she doesn't want to hear me "nagging" about my ex she pushes me away etc. Its all chaos. Basically she says I'm driving her nuts and she really doesn't want me here because all I do all day is lamenting about my ex. I feel so confused. Why is it that after my breakup I still have to stand all this emotional drama with her? I mean, don't people usually get sympathy after breakups? I don't know whether it is her being aggressive or me being selfish or whatever. I mean I understand that she has depression too but does that mean I just keep every bit of pain in my heart to myself? My friends don't know about the relationship and its hard for me to explain things to them and my mother communicates with my ex sometimes so I find it fitting to tell her about it. I'm in a depressing situation, she is depressed because to her I am just annoying her ... Argh I'm very confused.
  6. Me again. And I have to apologize first for constantly talking about my ex (but I just can't stop thinking about him). So my Mum and I finally talked. I told her about how I feel completely hopeless without him and how I don't think I can survive without him. I also asked on whether she thinks there is a chance that my ex and I will get back together. She told me that perhaps when my ex and I are in university, when things are settling down (One of the reasons my ex broke up with me was because he thinks that he is having too much pressure from school work and love is a distraction for him at the moment. He claims he wasn't ready and prefers to only start a relationship later in life), only then it would be possible to get back together. She also tells me when that moment comes she will do everything she can to help me with it (My Mum and my ex know each other quite well and they often communicate). She claims that if I have hope in this relationship and work towards it, my ex and I will get back together (I suppose she says that partly because she is a faithful Christian). Should I actually believe in her statement? I am a rather practical person and I am always suspicious when it comes to vague words like "hope". Because seriously, I am already emotionally invested and breaking down. At the same time, I would also do anything to make this relationship happen again (considering our happy memories together). I'm thinking about her statement...
  7. Hi everyone. Me again. Recently my boyfriend broke up with me (mentioned in previous posts). As a person with depression already, living with the pain and heartbreak makes things even more distressing. Sometimes, I can have meltdowns for hours or even more. Unfortunately, instead of getting sympathy, I was receiving hateful comments from my ex and my mum keeps threatening to call the police or send me to hospital if I continue to lament loudly. Most people tell me that I'll eventually get over him. However, I feel like there is a huge part of my self-esteem or simply a huge part of myself that is attached to him. For the past 3 years, he was my only source of happiness. The attachment I have to him is indescribable. Plus, I love him ... immensely, no matter how many times I doubted myself. My closest people around me ... Mum mostly, tells me that there is absolutely no hope of getting back together. Is this it? Is it always a dead end? Are the chances of getting back together so minimal? I can't imagine life without him. I just love him too much, even if he just broke up with me. Feeling absolutely hopeless...
  8. Hi everyone. It's me, Leigh, with depression. I recently posted about the breakup with my 3-year boyfriend. Recently, we spoke to each other and I tried to tell him that I still care for him and love him but received some really hateful comments from him. Here are the exact wordings: Him, "Why do you always want me to love you?" "Why are you so selfish? Me, "I can't imagine life otherwise. I am very sad about this (I've cried a few days) and I just want you to know that not only do I love you but I feel like a large part of my heart is attached to you." Him, "And can you stop crying!!!" Me, "Ok. I get it, you don't like me crying." Him, "And do you even know how your mum feels???" Me, "Why does everyone only care about how my mum feels but not me?" Him, "Because your mum does so much and you don't even understand." Me, "She threatened not to take custody of me twice, kick me out of the house, because i was feeling sad about this." Him, "Yeah, because you have cried enough." Me, "please....." Him, "I think my parents would do that, if I am just like you." Me, "I .... look i am in a lot of pain right now. i really love you, and a large part of me is attached to you. Just want to say." Him, "well ..." Me, "I don't know why i need to take the blame from my mum and you in this situation..." Me, "No one talks to me now. not even my friends. not my mum. not you ..." Me, "I have no one to speak of the pain." Him, "Because of your bad attitude." Me, "please ....." Him, "That's why no one talks to you. It's the truth." Me, "i don't want more criticism right now. i really love you." Him, "I've had it too." Me, "Please, I just want to convince you that i really love you." Him, "I don't think so." Me, "Then what can i do? Please, I mean it." Him, "Nothing." Me, "Please, I can't anymore criticism at the moment. I just got my heart broken and my mum "******ing" me for my sadness." Me, "Please. I really love you, I do." Me, "You said you don't hate me in your last text, what did I do?" Him, "I don't, but your attitude is so bad that I have to hate you." Me, "I'm not saying anything offensive to you." Me, "I just want to say i really really care for you." Him, "Yes, you love me. But you cannot force me to love you." Him, "I don't. SO." Me, "Please ...... don't say that. We've been dating for the past 3 years." Him, "Even if you keep texting, it doesn't work Me, "I really am trying, give me a chance Me, "Please, don't hate me." Him, "See you are forcing me to love you again." Me, "I just want to show you that i care. Please don't always think the bad of me Him, " I can't see it. Plus, life is unfair." Him, "And can you stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Him, "If you wanna show, show it to your friends not me." Me, "Its you I care for and its you I wanna show. Please, at least don't hate me." Him, "You're just so annoying." Me, "Please can we be kind to each other?" Him, "And have a bad attitude. That's all ... always crying." Him, "And posting negative stuff. You think I like that????? Him, "Saying please doesn't help. There is nothing you can do." Me, "But as myself i am very hurt by that too. Please ..." Him, "People hating you is a result of what you did." Me, "I am a person with depression and yes I know my emotions go up and down a lot. But encountering all those painful things does make me upset." Him, "Begging people and forcing them to love you back isn't gonna do it." Me, "I'm not forcing you. I'm just trying to show you I love you." Him, "Correct yourself." Me, "Can we be kind to each other?" Him, "Begging is not the way." Me, "I don't want to minimize my self worth by hearing more criticism. I know a lot of people don't like me because of my emotions and depression." Me, "Please... I really wanna prove to you. I just need that chance. I want to know that i have that hope please." Him, "I don't love you. But ... be friends???" Him, "If you don't. No chance." Me, "1st, please don't threaten me ... and for now. sure. we can be friends, but i would still love you." Him, "Just learning from you." Me, "Why can't you ever remember my good days." Him, "Your good days was my bad days." Me, "Please i really need to stop the criticism." Me, "I know how hateful i am because of my depression to a lot of people and its hurtful for me." Me, "Friends for now. but i still have hope on us ... because no matte what you say, i still love you." Me, "And i hope you realize one day that i care for you a lot, and i love you no matter what you say." Him, "Nope." Me, "I do, even if you refuse to believe me." Him, "k..." Me, "Now please, i really can't take more criticism at the moment. i feel really ... distressed." Me, "i just wanna genuinely prove to you i love you." Me, "Please believe me." Me, "Its hard on my part too, if no one ever believes me." Him, "idk." Me, "Look if i plead any longer you would find me annoying, so please, believe in me." Him, "kkk." Why ....
  9. Hi everyone. I'm Leigh. 15 years old with depression for about a year. Recently, my boyfriend, who had been dating me for the past 3 years, broke up with me. Here's the story. We were in a very sustainable relationship and we were both very happy together. It was only until the time when I had depression that things began to change. I was experiencing a lot of upsets, for instance, family conflict, my parents divorcing. For quite a few times, my parents sent me to hospital via calling the police because my meltdowns were driving them insane. I changed to a new school as well which is one of the top schools in Hong Kong and was under a lot of pressure since it seems like everyone was an elite student (catching up is hard) etc. The only person who got me through that was my boyfriend. Since we are in different schools, we talk everyday via phone. We went out for about once a month, on hikes, shopping etc. Things flipped completely when finals were approaching. We were both under pressure I assume. It was around June and I was sent to hospital for yet again due to my meltdowns. It was a very tragic experience for me, having to cope with school, and to have my parents so mad at my behaviour that they called the police, even threatening to not take my custody if I continue to act in such a way, saying that they no longer like me anymore. Feeling very abandoned during my days in hospital, I turned to my boyfriend for positive reinforcement. My boyfriend is a shy and conservative person, one who doesn't like to openly comment on our relationship and timid when it comes to talking to me when I was still in my school, generally in front of classmates he knows (Other than that he was very sweet most of the time). To a certain extent I understand that he might get teased about it or rumors may spread because of our relationship. On the other hand, I feel a lack of acknowledgement from him. At that point, feeling as though I had no one, I asked the only person who shines light in my life if he would post our relationship status on Facebook. It took some arguments and convincing but in the end he agreed. However, I soon realized that the post was no longer there and I asked whether he took it down from his feed. He admitted and explained that he was receiving hateful comments and teases. I knew this was going to happen, but I was so mad by the fact that he didn't ask me first and the fact that even he didn't care enough to acknowledge me for even a day when my parents were already on the verge of abandoning me, that I had a huge meltdown on the phone with him. And that immediately went downhill. He mentioned a lot of comments which I had no idea before. For example, saying, and quote, "You weren't like this when we first dated. You were a positive person and now you are just a flood of negativity." (Well, I wasn't experiencing depression and all these terrible events before). He took it further, mentioning that I was hindering the pace of his studies because I was calling him every night (which was odd for me because we agreed before I left my old school that we would speak everyday and to be honest he called me first most of the time. Plus, comparing the standards of both schools, I had more work than he did). A lot more including, "Boyfriends and girlfriends shouldn't talk everyday." And some saying that I was forcing him to care for me, hug me and its annoying him. In the end, the comments were so hateful that I was literally going insanely distressed, such as, "I've had enough of you," (which reminds me of what my parents say to me) "Truth hurts," and "My love for you is gone." It took me some time to convince him to give me another chance (even though I was still very insulted by his comments). In the end, I cannot lose him. Since he insisted I have to apologize, I did. I even offered to go to the movies and have lunch together. I send him an email which explains that I still care for him a lot and I was perhaps too forceful on him. In the end, all I got was, "Leigh. I am truly sorry. But you just can't force me into it." Having dated him for three years, that sentence crushed me. He even blocked my Facebook and Whatsapp. In addition to him going overseas to study, I knew my chances were ... literally none. The worst thing is I have no sympathy from anyone after the heartbreak. I had a lot of meltdown afterwards. None of my friends cared or replied me. My mother is still threatening to send me to hospital because all she sees is me acting up and not behaving (She said she can't stand me anymore ... again, even said, "So what? Does it matter?" When I explained the situation. That was very hurtful). I feel like no one cares. Having to deal with all this neglect and hate when experiencing a breakup, I was fatigued. I seriously want to die (i have never had so much hate and neglect ever!).
  10. Hi everyone. I'm Leigh, currently 15 and I have suffered from anorexia nervosa for the past year. Although at the moment my condition is getting slightly better (considering my weight is now at the normal range of BMI) I still couldn't stop my overexercising and my constant anxiety about food. However, here is the ironic point. I am also a sufferer of depression, which was diagnosed recently. I find it very difficult to cope, especially given there are constantly a lot of heated family conflicts and arguments. My parents are simply impossible to talk to. Trying to be independent and solving all the troubles that make me upset is very tiring and I often end up in a break down of emotions. What I do afterwards, is to comfort eat (like a large amount, especially sugary foods). At the moment, it is the only method that makes me feel instantly better (but of course I feel awful afterwards because I gain weight and I am absolutely guilty). What am I going to do? I hate to be trapped in this vicious cycle. Is it possible that the more I suppress my appetite, the more "eager" the cravings get? How can I stop binging? I feel very conflicted ...
  11. Thank you everyone for the replies. I'm really trying to collect answers here. Though just one question I have in mind. Will talking to my parents and trying to express my feelings to them simply "trigger" them more (or start off another argument)? I don't know. Sometimes, I am just afraid to say anything. Is it better to just ... well ... keep it to myself and not talk to them at all?
  12. Hi everyone. I'm Leigh, currently 15 years old and recently diagnosed with depression (more or less a month ago). Putting aside all the pessimism that seems to surround my life (i.e. headaches, lack of motivation etc.) My major issue is one surrounding my parents and their understanding regarding my feelings, emotions etc. It's sometimes very difficult to reach out to them. If I have some sort of frustration or sadness, I have to admit, I do tend to cry heavily. But despite that and explaining to them what exactly happened and expressing my feelings truthfully, they seem to think that my heavy weeping is simply a rebellious act (adolescence) and a demonstration that I am still incapable of controlling myself. Then things tend to get ugly between us. I feel conflicted. Is it me who's reacting too much or is it my parents who lack some form of sympathy? I just want to know how to make things ... right. Any advice on how to blend in >
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