long journey

Yes, EWF has a Christmas song....and entire Christmas album, actually.  This song originated from a series of ads EWF did for Target stores in 2005.  Enjoy! ? 

G  Gentleness: Be gentle with yourself and your expectations.
R  Relaxation: Do at least one relaxing thing.
A  Accomplishments: Do something that makes you feel good about your abilities.
P  Pleasure: Do something that brings you pleasure.
E  Exercise: Do at least 30 minutes of exercise that gets your heart going.
S  Social:  Interact with positive people.

I've been thinking a lot lately about being grateful. Idk if anyone's heard of The Secret, but it talks a lot about being grateful for what you already have before you get more. I've always kind of passed this off, thinking I did express gratitude. But I've realized it's more than that--it's FEELING gratitude. I don't know, I made a gratitude journal and I'm going to write three things a day I'm grateful for a day. I'll have to keep you updated on how that's going.
Anyway, what I really want to talk about right now is my mom. I just don't have anyone to talk to right now and I have to vent! She doesn't get along with her family very well, least of all her sister. And I get it, I understand why. The problem is that my mom and I haven't had good boundaries and I've vented to her about my frustrations with my aunt, as has she. But I've also told her that I want to keep a relationship with my aunt because of the good relationship I have with her son. So I agreed not to talk about this aunt with my mom. But today I let it slip that I was getting her a Christmas present. And this aunt recently sent me a Thanksgiving card. So I guess my mom got all triggered and she wanted to come talk to me (I live with my parents right now). That's never a good thing.
Well she came and told me that she felt upset with me because she felt like I don't care about her feelings and that I purposefully was trying to upset her by talking about my aunt with her. And a bunch of other stuff I don't really remember. I just know she took it all way out of proportion and too personally. But I told her I was sorry and that I wasn't trying to hurt her. But now I just feel upset and I'm trying to figure out why. I get my mom's issues with my aunt. What I don't get is her not trying to work them out. I also don't get why me having a relationship with my aunt is a personal attack against my mom. She told me she just needed to tell me how she feels, not that she wanted to control me or tell me what to do. But that's how I feel and it's how I've always felt! My mom gets to say what she feels but nobody else can. That's what it feels like. She says that's not true, that she welcomes truth and wants to know how we feel, etc. But I don't buy it. Or I at least don't trust it.
I don't like feeling like I have to hide my relationship with my aunt from my mom, especially when I live with my mom. She and I choose to handle my aunt differently, but why do I have to hide how I deal with it? I guess how it feels is like I have ALWAYS felt like the adult with my mom. She's the kid and I have to treat her like one or else it could trigger her into some big depression or "episode" as she calls them. So she gets to throw a tantrum over this and I just have to deal with it. That's how it feels. My mom is so into her own healing that she doesn't get that it's not all about her!
My mom and I have always dealt with a lot of the same issues mental health wise. But, and I've told her this, that doesn't make us the same person! And we also choose to deal with that in different ways. But I do think we talk to each other too much about it. I've asked that we don't, but we always do. Anyway, I could go off about this forever but I guess that's all for now. As for my aunt, I've asked her not to talk to me about my mom. I can't be in the middle of those two! My aunt and I have a superficial relationship right now, but that's okay. She's family and I love her. If my mom has issues with her, she could tell her instead of dancing around it all the time with me!
Thanks for reading, if you did. This is mainly just me getting stuff out, but if you have any input that's great. Thanks!

When we're kids, we use any means to communicate what we feel, we want and we need just to get our message across but when we grow older we try to keep things to ourselves. Less talk, less mistakes is the rule we tend to follow. To protect others, to prevent misunderstanding, to impress, to look strong and many other reasons that life, experiences, other people and our impression to ourselves had taught us. We keep those words in our mind and leave our hearts heavy. If we only know how to express those words in a way it will not cut deep in the heart of others and prevent us from turning into distant cold person we don't want to become. Why not start with the forgotten magic words of thank you, please, how are you, sorry and I love you. Simple, single word or phrases but it implies a complete warmth thought to the person we meant to tell it and we might be surprise of their reply. It will not damage the voice box nor cause a scratch or enlargement. Just give it a try and see the simple change. Start with your kids, parents, loved ones, colleagues or even a stranger.

My housemate S shared with me and another housemate G about her sister.
The sister seems to be suffering from a mental breakdown.
But the family thinks she's being disturbed by unrest spirits.
The family sought psychiatric and temple medium for help.
Housemate S 's story focused more on the medium, hence I think she felt the medium was more helpful, despite having both sides of the treatment simultaneously.
As I was listening, I thought the medium was very clever to narrate the entire story about the sister's situation based on the turn of events. Like all opportunists, he saw desperation and thought, why not? He didn't cause any harm anyway.
I do not deny the existence of the evil, unseen or unrest ones.
But this is not it.
I have heard similar stories like this before.
I just feel sad at the social stigma upon mental illness.
Possession by evil spirits still tops mental illness.
Imagine, in the current Asian society; it is actually easier to tell people you were possessed than to be suffering from mental breakdown.
This is really sad.

This is going to be a short entry, but I have been busy lately, and I didn't have the time. I have a little time now. today has been pretty good. slow, but good. Day 6 on Zoloft, and im feeling sluggish. more than t he past couple days. ive just been lazy and zoned out. Not that great when I have a little girl to take care of.
I havnt have an anxiety attack in 3 days, and that's a new record. ususally I can expect one once a day. which really got on my nerves. I really hope I can keep this up. and I hope the meds keep working.
its feels good to shower and get ready in the morning. it really helps me get through my day. sometimes, I cant even make myself do it. that's when I know im getting pretty bad. but I just did it because I felt the need to. and that feels AMAZING!! im dredding the next time ihave an episode. I kknow its not that far away. Im starting to stress about finding a job and getting money. That new stress is kind of pushing it. I really hope it doesn't push me over the edge.
I hope you all are doing well. next time, im going to focus on my role as a mother and how my mental illnesses effect it.

Hello again.
This time wanting to quit Faverin because I strongly feel it has been 'masking' my character for so long.. and when you are 'under' in that state, it is so hard to tell the different which is the real you.
Interesting part is that, you are there, but emotions are kept under - somewhat kept away from the world. You only feel them at minimal or sometimes even nothing.
I am willing to brace the depression and anxieties.. but I think this 4th time weaning off Fluvoxamine/Faverin may just be the charm as I am older, wiser (together with experience) and have much more research and knowledge on hand.
I have been supplementing particularly with B-Complex and Zinc to help me cope as I decrease my dosage.
It is a trying process..because part of me wants to move on with Life so badly (I am not working now) and part of me is SO determined to work out the weaning off process, the dosages, as I track my daily progress and also keep healthy while experiencing the subtle changes.
Now at 162.5mg for the first time since 2016.. after being roughly about 2 weeks at 175mg... I do feel a subtle difference, like i can sense me now.
Perhaps I may have to stay at 162.5mg or 150mg i dont know - but I'm hoping if all works out well and I find an alternative medication for adhd (which I suspect I have but havent been treated for because I may have a rare sub-type that doctor's may not have come across or know how to spot or treat)
Otherwise it really is OCD-pure O ruminations that even caused me to believe that I have Adhd out of the numerous worries. I am tougher and stronger now but am sick of feeling weak from Faverin all the time. Even the Adhd symptoms of lack of focus and forgetting things may have been a result of taking Faverin - so I want to give myself a chance to live. To move on and do the things that matter to me.
Motivation seems a chore for sure, if Adhd is really the case, because the lack of dopamine can prevent any continuation of recall of important projects and takes away any initial drive at the start to complete the tasks at hand.
This is where I want to explore further with Wellbutrin, which I didnt get the chance to fully experience in the past.
L-Tyrosine helps a little at the start but I find myself feeling 'wired' and numb toward the later part of the day on it.
Will remove it for now and remain with B-Complex and the other supplements.

Hi Readers,
I've been trolling around this forum, adding my comments, liking stuff...but neglecting making friends! So, that is my new goal for my time here.
It's almost noon, I'm still in my pajams, husband is working, listening to Wagner, and I discovered Shakespeare's 144th Sonnet on the profile of a fellow sufferer named Chrystal. (There's a new friend for me!) But I have a few minutes to seek relations before I go walk the dog and throw the ball around for him.
Look forward to meeting ya'all!

I've been off the computer for about a year now. Not TOTALLY of course. Who can LIVE in this day and age without Google or Bing?
But I haven't blogged or been on forums. I get sick of them. I want to live real, hard, physical, tangible, life. I want to deal in things...sandwiches, frogs, flowers, jars...not pixels.
But I always come back to my virtual land. I'm sort of an addict to blog, website, and avatar creation. I think "well, my REAL life is too hard. I will create the PERFECT LIFE online." But I never do. In fact, I've learned, introvert that I am, I need to deal mostly in the real world. As a writer/photographer and creative sort, that's hard if I want to share anything. I guess I could write on yellow pads and set up a dark room in my bathroom, then print it all up and distribute door to door......no, that ain't gonna happen.
So here I am. This wonderful forum where I can be my.."what the heck AM I??" self.
AFter moving around the South for the past two years, we bought a house again, so I'm settled. Just in time for my every five year big depression episode. My new Psychiatrist said I was bi polar....just like the other four I've had in the past decade. I finally, I think, have accepted that dx. I am now taking a mood stabilizer in addition to my SSRI. And on Tuesday I start an intensive outpatient therapy group.
I've got to go now and do some back exercises so I don't turn into a pretzel with pain. Will visit again soon!

Life has been interesting since November. I got through the Holidays-barely. If I didn't have my close friend visiting from Phoenix, I don't know what I would have done. (God does take care of me.)
Sad but true, there is nothing for people with serious mental illness between the extremes of:
sitting at home, shaking, and feeling desperate and unsafe
going to the emergency room, and waiting, for many days, for a bed in the psych ward.
Because my friend was here for 10 days, I didn't have to be alone. And since she rented a condo on the beach, I had some sand and surf therapy.
Besides that, I have tried light therapy, Prozac, Zyprexa, Lamictal,  and now, Lithium.  So far, the only thing I've stuck with is the Lamictal. Doc added Lithium a few days ago. Besides a few stomach cramps, I seem to be tolerating that well, too.
I have yet to lose the 8 pounds I gained on the Zyprexa, but, you know, one thing at a time, right? I just don't watch modern TV or look at women's magazines. Don't want all those skinny images mocking me, saying "Why don't you have it together after all these years?" 
Besides, I've recently taken a liking to German salami. Though it's loaded with fat, I need easy protein. Salami and liverwurst fit the bill because I so seldom feel like cooking.
Besides this blog, I'm not writing, either. I must, according to all my support people, really focus on relaxing and getting well for the first time in my life. No trying to start a business. No sponsoring people. No taking a class or a job. Eating right, taking walks by the water, reading, having fun, gardening-any non-competitive, no-pressure activity is fine. Life has enough pressure with its bills, broken appliances and bad weather. And taxes. 
 

I am full fuLL FULL of anxiety right now. It all started when I took a nap.

I cannot take naps in any old environment. I must have my eye scarf and a good piece of audio. For today's nap I chose "Solving the Procrastination Puzzle" by Timothy A. Pychyl. Although it was a good book, perhaps it was a bad choice for rest time. He kept talking about all those "good things" people put off, like exercising and saving for retirement.

I did exercise today, (whew,) but I've been spending money like a sailor, (I've even been on a sailboat recently,) and this month's Money Magazine arrived today, its "RETIREMENT GUIDE 2015" headline all ablaze in bold, black letters.

I woke my husband up from his nap and said, "Can we have a business meeting when you wake up?"
Sweetly, he said, "Sure."

Turns out, he was on task to start "saving for retirement" with our next paycheck. But taxes....oh, taxes. We are way behind and will owe multiples of tens of thousands come April if we don't get on the stick. Having a self-employed sugar daddy is hard in that way. But it is nice to have him working from home, even though he makes a lot of noise, chewing on his bottomless cups of ice all day. If he's not crunch crunching away, he's shaking the cup trying to get the pieces of ice unstuck from the bottom. Or he's rummaging around in the freezer's ice bowl, causing sounds that must be exactly what an avalanche sounds like. No wonder I'm anxious!!!

No, it's not that bad. I just needed to sort my thoughts...get the pesky little things OUT of my HEAD and onto the WEB, where they can irritate--or illuminate--you into some anti-procrastination behaviors of your own. Or, you can take a nap.

Anxiety is the other side of debilitating depression. I strive to live in the middle...in balance...but it is so hard. I still need help, support, information. I need this forum!

Just a test run today but I feel like this is something I need to do for me. Something I can look back on as my journey progresses. Start my Zoloft tomorrow( pick it up today before work).

Daily goals:
One load of dishes 2(ish) hrs work on new vid (Optional) Read 1 chapter TDD Daily kindness:
Overly fancy breakfast Kindness to future self:
Long walk  
I'm keeping this one intentionally short. Mostly because I'm having a hard time coming up with goals that are doable today.