Do I belong on this site? Is this depression?
I woke up and found myself dead. I Went to bed normal, but I woke up dead. I feel like my essence, my spirit, my "it" left my body. I laid in bed in amazement, something was wrong, I didn't feel right? I was a living body with no life in it. I really thought I was dead. Life is now like living in a black and white comic strip. I am totally void of any emotion with the exception of anxiety and fear, I feel nothing. A flat line. I don't hate anybody, I don't love anybody. Nothing you can do can make me mad, sad or glad. The smell of coffee brewing on a Sunday morning does not elicit the joyful response it once did (this is very disturbing), nothing, zero. I avoid all of my friends and family. If you put a million dollars in my hand I couldn't care less. This feeling is so bad I would not wish it on anybody. One interesting thing I notice is that I no longer have any enemies, I have no hate, I wish I could hate, at least I'd be feeling something.
For months now, day in day out, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week I feel like you do when you’re about to fall back in a tipping chair. It is maddening. I have this feeling of certain imminent death! I think this is anxiety?
My mind is in mental torment without end, being in total blackness, in eternal nothingness, floating through cold dark space with no one around, being alone only with my bad malfunctioning brain which is writhing in agony and in want of sleep but can't get any, been up for two months straight with only 3 hours sleep per night. My stomach continuously feeling like I’m falling on a roller coaster. Nobody can help me, I am alone in this world. My only hope is to live sixty more years like this on guard everyday not to **** myself so I don't end up in eternal nothingness forever. Then if I am good I can go to heaven and get some rest. Heaven would be great if I could just sleep like I used to. Then I think, what if there is no heaven and there is nothing but eternal nothingness. It doesn't matter if I am alive or dead, both are one in the same. My mind is playing this thought over and over 24/7 for 3 months. It is like a tape recording. I can’t stop it. I cannot laugh or smile. I am lurking about hiding from people. It is exhausting.
I feel like maggots are maybe eating my brain, what else could explain what is happening. It’s like somebody is tearing, ripping and cutting wires in an electrical control panel. 24/7 there is a sorta loud background noise, like a high pitched whistle? I feel as if more damage is being done daily. I am afraid it is irreversible and not repairable. A chemical reaction that is permanently going to change my brain. I don’t know if I can ever get back to who I was. I was really normal just a short while ago, I was the life of the party. Something has taken over my mind or I think I was drugged or maybe some food I ate had a reaction and damaged my brain. I feel Like I am down at the bottom of a well and everyone else is walking around up top.
I feel like I am hurtling through empty space towards eternity in a black steel sphere 3 feet in diameter. Alone. I am convinced this is how I am going to be forever.
Every time I awake from sleep there is a split second where I were feel normal. Then it creeps down over me like a vapor. In that 1/2 second before the vapor I am hopeful that the nightmare went away. But it did not. I say Oh No! Another day of hell.
I don't shave or even care to brush my teeth, I don't shower for days. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, I am afraid to look at myself, I don't know who or what I am. I lost a lot of weight, I force myself to eat every other day.
Is this depression? Someone said it sounds like it is.