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laurens

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  1. I don't know what to do anymore. I wake up every morning even more tired than when I went to sleep. Nothing brings me happiness or joy. I hate myself so much... I don't know why I am this way. My parents didn't die, I wasn't sexually abused, etc. I just remember about three and a half years ago when I moved across the country in the middle of high school everything began going downhill. I just felt so lost and out of touch with myself. And it only got worse from that point on. I developed a terrible relationship with my mom but when I tried to explain to her how depressed I was she didn't understand. I still don't think she fully does. All she wants me to do is snap out of it... if I could, don't you think I would? I've been in counseling for about six months with no real improvement. It does feel a little bit better to talk to someone, and I cognitively know that talking to someone should help me, which is why I keep going. But if anything I feel more depressed now than I ever have. I'm so desperate. I'm moving to Switzerland from the United States on Wednesday and as soon as I get there I'm going to try to find a reputable psychiatrist. I'm so low that the promise of relief that medication offers seems alluring to me. But there's still the worry in the back of my mind that I will be this way forever. I'll be one of those people who can't even be healed with meds. I just have no purpose in my life and absolutely no motivation. The world and life in general just overwhelms me. I'm so freaking tired all the time. Just a walking zombie. A long time ago I stopped caring about all my friendships and I dated a crappy guy for two years because I didn't know I deserved better and now he openly tells me he doesn't care at all about me. So I have no one except for my mom, who doesn't understand me and doesn't make me feel better. She takes care of me. But nothing gives me relief, not even her. Absolutely freaking nothing does. I have absolutely nothing in me. I'm so empty and so lost. I have nowhere to go. No one to turn to. Absolutely no relief. Life is a miserable game to me in which I lose every single level. I have no identity. No sense of self. The worst part? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. I'm just a defective human being who probably doesn't even deserve to live because she is throwing her entire life away by choice. God damn... someone help. I just can't do this anymore.
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