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Everything posted by soloviola

  1. Well wishes to a thoughtful doctor It just takes a second For the light to switch on As the specialist asks "Has your suffering gone?" Why, yes, I reply I was suddenly inspired; I had only felt awful Because I'd been tired The specialist smiles; goes home in the dark I hope that such work Brings light to his heart SEptember 2 2017
  2. I just wanted to write Start writing my way out of darkness Not that I feel I should be despairing; I say to myself, it's only my mood It's only that horrible feeling that I can't bear an expectation to do something something really dramatically new; Then after all the tirades I felt erupting in my soul I realised that sometimes the people who have nursed me counselled me and taken care of me need kindness, kind feedback Which I have felt unable to give The mirror breaks by being happy The warmth in my soul comes back like a vision in the ice when I try very very very hard very hard indeed to keep smiling at myself, chuckle in my heart. The umpteenth poem does not however have a joyous conclusion News of kind people who have helped me Themselves facing difficulty almost broke my heart. It did wake me up a bit. I no longer care for most of my verses, I care only for my attempts to resurrect my heart My emotions, which seemed to be much more dead than anything else in me start showing me how they want more light of day. Seeing sad things happen To those who cared for me and have supported me so much It changed my mood quicker than an electric light switch The room of my thoughts was dark. Tears will be the illumination I can't find any way to express anything, just sad for what has happened to some kind people in the last few days
  3. @Ba3inga Thanks, I'm having difficulty typing , but grateful for your message
  4. Ashamed of a story I sent to my local writing group, It was too personal And now as I have just written another short story, desperately attempting to expiate myself from the problems in the first, I find that its difficult to describe my symptoms to a doctor without at the same time feeling that the thought processes involved in trying to describe them are identical to those which I use to compose a short story - it's a nightmare scenario to be in. I AM in reality but can't communicate how my problems are without feeling that often albeit not always I am resorting to the more artificial ways associated with short story composition. Because of this I try to analyse the problem. My short stories might be improving but at a vast cost - I find it increasingly difficult to just be myself - I'm not even sure if I've communicated this post properly. I dont know if it describes the fears I have very well, I just try very hard to do my best
  5. Incomunnicable difficulties I cannot say what I mean I try to describe the nightmare in verse But words get in between They separate blessings with a foul-mouthed curse I try to speak what I want to say But the curses and anger get in the way I try to declare it in a way that makes sense But instead I shout out "NO CONFIDENCE!" The doctors hear the words of my voice But the trouble is, I'm given no choice Sometimes I'm at peace, and that's why I shout That's when I let my full venom out. Once again, no doubt they misunderstand I see the consultant, I shake his great hand I know he would like me to be cheerful and well And that is how i feel, but the words do not tell For my self-criticism of all the writing I do, Means that I must always remember to cross a line through And now I rewrite the very words that I speak So I'll say I am strong, cross it through and say "Weak" This has become the horrid disease Where to say something authentic means my thoughts freeze It means i correct everything that I'm able So I don't ever know when my own mind is stable I wish I could quit writing my verses Its turning my blessings straight into curses Perhaps that is why when I'm so full of tears I just shake the doc's hand and whisper my cheers. April 28, 2015
  6. When life is so incredibly difficult When life is so incredibly difficult The brightest star of all ignites This is the meaning of genuine courage It fractures into a thousand lights The bravest find the smallest fragment A candle to light their night of nights It's only when the poet's in difficulty That success will come whatever he writes. July 26 2017
  7. Under Care I know few agonies worse than this Everyone's gathered around the table Reading the notes, they've pinned me down I have to comply as much as I'm able There's no alternative but to submit And understand I'm under care Like a peacock, their eyes are open But I can't see the words they share I do not know who's gathered there I don't know who's able to see my notes I'm in the theatre, being examined And not just by those with overcoats The eyes that stare are understanding Of course I know they're not pernicious But the peacock's quills that interfere Communicate falsehoods that are vicious What can I do, I'm trying to breathe But the feathers are like a sundew's strands There's no point struggling, I must accept That when I trust I'm in good hands Yet while I'm pinned down to the table I can hear scores and scores of passers-by Sometimes I wish my prison was visible To them perhaps as well as I! What can I do, I must submit I don't feel I have a voice at all Because what I say is rewritten By all those present in the hall Everyone thinks that a thousand heads Must work better than just the one As a network they are more powerful And can certainly get a lot more done They are always working all together They share the data that they need It provides a safety in the structure For all professionals to proceed Thousands of people know they must bind Or find that they are bound themself It isn't a choice that one would make To suffer from poor mental health Yet the sundews are there, its not illusion The peacocks send messages with their quills I think I'm going to have to see things differently If I'm to recover from my ills The invisible prison blocks my contact With far too many human faces The warders don't wear any uniforms Though often they provide embraces There can't be much pain that's worse Than that which is caused by separation With different diameters of the freedom From which one may walk out from their station Its hard to cope with, I'm being choked Though I scarcely feel I am a hero I'm under care and have to submit To a virtual radius that's almost zero. May 7 2016 The sudden surge of optimism It can be possible When the sunlight is fading to rekindle our dreams. It might seem unthinkable to find happiness now! There cannot be hope! When the sunlight is fading And the happiness has passed. That after all that's gone before. That it might yet be possible That it might just be possible To rekindle our dreams. When the sunlight is fading And the old dreams have passed, That with hope, it IS possible With a surge in the heart, a violent upthrust of unprecedented new optimism That the unthinkable might yet come true That dreams can be rekindled. That the spark of beauty itself may touch the heart forever! And where happiness seemed impossible It can yet be wakened with the upthrust of joy! It can indeed be possible to reach our dreams! To find a sudden happiness; to be optimistic, And in the desolation of our sunset, to find the most beautiful sunrise of them all! July 10, 2011 A Sweetheart's Soul We have a vision of a world that's shattered as a whole. But there is a special part of it that is your sweetheart's soul. She's the cornerstone of Heaven though she's sitting on the Earth. You love her because she is perfection; and you've found what life is worth. She'll open up your inner heart with her searching deep blue eyes; And you in turn shall bring her happiness, With a magical sunrise. That's how two lovers wake up to joy, when they find each others' soul. For it changes the vision of the entire world When two halves become a whole. July 10 2010 I'm hoping with all my might to stay stable and well and fight through the most difficult and stormy mood problems Ive ever had in 30 years. Its worth staying calm now, if I can achieve this it will mean everything. I will prove myself successful. Whatever it takes. Really going to do all I can to stay rational calm and responsible. TO find an island of stillness in a frighhtening sea, yes its worth that strength, I am happier at once. I only want to do well though its a fierce illlness Im struggling with
  8. Being honest. I am angry as hell with my medical treatment. The more I type the angrier I get. I find it hurts to be honest. BUt honesty is agood quality. For all the good intentions of the doctors, I really do feel they messed me up. I'm in distress and too choked after 32 years of medical care and having too many preconceived ideas of medical figures who dont realise I really am happy and well which is why I get angry upset and frustrated and en dup on pills all the way along; chronic misunderstanding. :(
  9. I'm just wondering what words I can possibly find to say thankyou in the strongest possible terms to all the nurses and other staff who have looked after me for so many years and have persisted with me for decades. I wish I could find the words. I really do. I feel like I have come through thirty years plus of medicines psychotherapy, counselling and extensive research by the doctors I just want them to know that they have made me feel very happy indeed, But I just cannot find the words to say how truly grateful I am Sometimes I wish I could put all the psychiatrists in a line and hug them one by one for all the good things that they have done for me. What can one say. I'm feeling better than I've ever done. At last I feel my life is coming together. I can understand things better. I have deeper appreciation of how hard the staff work. I never realised what it was just to be able to stop, listen to the sound of nature and to smell the scent of a flower and to get a good task done. All I want now is to thank the consultants especially especially some of the very best that I could have had. My ONLY sadness is a very real sorrow, and that is that I can find no words that can truly express my appreciation to its greatest extent. All I want, and I wish from the very depths of my heart that all the therapists who worked with me could really understand how overjoyed I am with the outcome of their work. I wish for one thing only now, that they really do get the job satisfaction they deserve and I speak this from the very depths of my soul that all I want to do is thank everyone. But I just cant find the appropriate words I wish I could. Maybe I will just buy a little thankyou card for my present care worker. I hope he will understand that in the end it really is possible to bring the saddest man of all up through the tunnel of depression and real despair until he can truly see the brightness of everything. Because recovery really can happen and i have found happiness at last. But how can I possibly let them know?
  10. @nobody relevant I have just read your post. Very often I find myself afraid to read long posts let alone answer them because I don't very often know what to say, but what I do want to say here - is that although words come with difficulty, I feel moved by the clarity with which you describe your pain. It really comes across and I can't help feeling such depth. I am usually far too anxious to comment on other people's posts (I just trip on my communication too badly and feel terrified of saying something wrong), but here, reading this, I just felt I had to write and wish you well in a place where although it sounds unbearably painful and difficult, the sincerity of your message I hope will bring you into contact with more and more kind thoughtful people..all the time. Some of the things you describe, e.g difficulties at school and solitude I can relate to, it affected me when i left school. I'm finding it difficult to know how to string words together, but I just want to say that I was moved by your post. I had chosen to look at it from the title, and feel that it made me stop and think - this is someone who knows such huge intensities of suffering, but I hope also - hope. I think what you might not realise is that the clarity and sincerity of your message is so powerful, that I'm convinced that even if you have had the wrong friends in times gone by that you will find better ones in the future. These words come from someone who normally finds it difficult to come out his own small world of thinking, but I really was moved, and I can't help hoping that all the greatest successes and happinesses come to you in your life as time continues. Take good care, with all best wishes soloviola
  11. Beast in the wood In the forest amongst the trees I listened to the nightmare breeze The horror slowly hit my ears A beast was walking through my fears Altering what was in my mind His big eyes told me "The world is kind" I listened to his howls and screams galumphing forward in my dreams "Don't think the world's a nasty place" He stretched the muscles of his face Grimaced with a fierce expression "You will get better from depression" As I listened to this creature He altered my mind in every feature He widened his mouth and broadened his eyes Bellowed his laughter, yelled his dark cries "There's nothing to fear, the world is so kind" The beast prowled through the fears in my mind Here I was standing in the depths of the wood I'd heard what he'd said and i now understood. I could choose to rebuke my demon with rage Or embrace life's reality with the strength of a sage What could I do but slay the dread beast For telling me lies that man could live in peace For telling me falsehoods and distorting my vision Making me see things with lack of precision. Of course I should do that and see harsh reality The world is cruel, I should see that with clarity. And yet wherever I go, I must always hear The difference deep down between love and real fear. There was a beast that walked through my dream He laughed out loud with a deceitful dark scream But I held out my hand, and said "I am not afraid Because there is truth in the statements you've made. LIsten, my friend with the large startling eyes You are not fear, but a friend in disguise. And the moment we spoke, we each stretched a hand Shook it and said "I understand" Brother, he said, there's no place for fear Illusions may come and they may disappear Because Truth itself lies before every face Surely the world is a phenomenal place August 10, 2014
  12. That the heart may have vision To have the strength to be deceived For the purpose of success Is the mark of a truly courageous soul Who knows how to progress To have the strength to see the world With the vision of his heart Gives a man the almighty power He needs to do his part. And he can see through subtle questions. He thanks those high above, All those who think he cannot hear, He offers fraternal love. It takes some time to understand It takes some time to heal. The heart can work through paranoia To see compassion that is real. Let's not beat about the bush. The heart that has awoken Can hear behind committee doors And understand what's spoken. Let's make this world a closer place By extending our perception To see the smiles in each face And giggle at deception! Because he who listens, he who hears, Is the star of all mankind. He who offers all his cheers, Shall see through his own mind. That's when he sees a little picture Of all the nursing staff. It's a vision in which he sees them smiling And he joins in with their laugh. Let's take the time to be more open As much as etiquette can permit Are we candid when we've spoken? It's a hard thing to admit Let's look at the world with joyful eyes And change our whole perception The ultimate vision may surprise When we see through our deception. When we find courage in our heart To trust the world we fear, Every problem we cannot face Will be greeted with a cheer. Life is difficult, so let's get real; the problems will remain. Some things are better left unsaid, We all have a private brain. Perhaps the greatest thing of all Is the freedom of our speech; To sift through private inner thoughts, And help those we cannot reach. If we can speak words from the heart Let us choose them carefully. It is the voice of our innermost feelings That shows what we can be. written many years ago in a feeling of acute annoyance,
  13. Thanks. There is much to see in the moment. Can't find very many words, but things improving dramatically
  14. Looking in the mirror A happy man looks out at the world Sees it cheery and bright An angry man, bitter as hell Sees it darker than night A lonely man may look at the image Magnified when it is concave The convex reflection is harder to see With an image that's too small to save If there's one thing I'll do When I feel really rough I'll hand my soul over to trust And try to believe That the reflection of me will end up perfectly just I'll look out at the world And scream till I'm dizzy And look at things Until they're all right So that at least for a moment I'll believe it sincerely that happiness - has indeed won the fight
  15. I see the word 'MIsunderstand' above, @Natasha1 I was purely coincidentally going to type a post about misunderstanding. Poem about confusion - and resolution I'm so confused, I know I'm well BUt the kind of things I have to tell Speak of being misunderstood The world thinks I'm up to no good The nurses think I just play games But my anguish and confusion is sincere I'm distraught, I know and cannot speak I don't say the things I mean I feel misunderstood and what goes round Perpetuates a distorted sound It confuses me in my distress But I really really mean the best What can I do, its part of life All the time being misunderstood Frightened though my heart is good I know I can do all I should For I feel stronger than they think I feel better, not on the brink Too many echoes contrive to tell Me that I am confused when I am well Oh what does it matter, with all my treatment There are worse things than a little confusion Relax and play a piece of music Nine times out of ten that is the solution from a happier soloviola :)
  16. The water surface shows my haiku appearing; self centred bubbles. I wish I would read Instead of just typing alas I'm vain
  17. A silent morning breezeless, I hear music; A future singing. soloviola 27 may
  18. Thankyou Tungsten, I find that quite reassuring. I was getting worried that my increasingly foggy thinking and so on might get worse. I'm not able to reason 100% and feared that this might be related to the medications I'm on. It often gets more difficult to concentrate when i feel much much more motivated and that is when i tend to think that the medicines are holding me back. Nevertheless I have perceived the situation more clearly at times and reckon that - well things are just not as straightforward as that. I am feeling a lot better and have done for about three months on the whole, so perhaps I do feel a bit sad about being unwell for so long. I despair sometimes of not being able to live a more 'normal' life even though I know that its worth just accepting things as they are. I didn't go through life on the road that I expected to or even hoped to. I didn't reach a 'prosperous town' but I have reached a place from which i can feel content and if it is 'rural-isolation' then at least the scenery is fantastic, and I have become grateful for so much. I do worry about why I'm getting balance difficulty, foggy thinking and not able to concentrate on many simple tasks, but so much is going well, and even if these are not long term effects of the medicines that I'm on, - the medicines might be reducable later. So many of my ideas keep changing but what hasn't changed for the last two to three months is a general improvement overall in my gratitude and my awareness that I have better mental health. There would be the occasional day that I disagree, but I'm a lot better and as i did realise - even in my last posts i think , that the medicine has helped greatly in this, Sometimes the hardest thing to realise is when one's life is so good, just becuase the waters seem unusally still and calm, it does not mean that things are wrong. I will try not to rock the boat and fall in to water that I can't get out of. The best skill I have developed in recent weeks and months is learning ways of being able to see more worlds in the sand grains and more heavens in the wild flowers. ....overall really difficult, but however hard it may be to swallow, much much MUCH Better mental health - in the last two to three months.
  19. I'm persisting on this one! Never have I been so motivated to succeed, and I think it is a pity that I have been sedated to the point where my thought processes have been out of focus for so many years. I have had a chat with a friend today and know that I have no mental health difficulties. I feel fine but my mind is fogged and my nervous coordination is not good. I do think the consultant psychiatrists were overcautious about sedating me. It might have helped me to stay well, and my health to improve, but with someone oversedated, the other side of the side of the coin is, that a person cannot concentrated plans on their recovery by cognitive means. It distorts the whole perception of what is right for somebody because the patients condition becomes affected to a considerable measure by the medicines. I seem to have no say. I would really like some input here. I am well, albeit somewhat bitter that my consultant prescribed me huge doses of epilim when I didn't accept psychotherapy in 2003. I am well now and maybe this has a lot to do with the epilim, sodium valproate but I believe equally that being sedated for so long has weakened my awareness of life around me which could have better been dealt with by having more chances to socialise, and I could not socialise very effectively because of all the chlorpromazine I was on before that. The consultants were the ones who started this vicious circle 30 years ago, I am on the whole grateful for most of their work but it's surely time they did more to enable me to be freed from the long term numbing effects of this medicine. I'd had hopes in my twenties of going to university. I still have hopes as I approach my forties but it is treally difficult to concentrate on suhc huge doses to do the research to work out my recovery plans and skills. I'm left in the dark over all this and I don't think it is entirely fair. I am also very concerned about the phycical long term effects of this medication insofar as others I knwo who take this medication report similar things after being on it for many years.
  20. Depression (ii) For me, it's the ultimate fear Because no one else sees it appear. It hurts you so deep That you can't even weep, And you thank the old doctor and cheer! August 6 2010
  21. Fifty Strong enough at fifty to beat the odds When physically exhausted and I think I am failing I can lift up the heavens and topple the gods Just at the point where its been very plain sailing I will open my soul towards the most distant reaches I will fly towards land that the storms cannot touch There has to be countries with new golden beaches I want to keep travelling, I want that so much Nearly fifty years old, I ought to slow down I'm tired already but its time to run faster Every struggle is worth it, but the radiant crown Comes from realising the slave is the genuine master If I fall on my face, I step up one more time If I don't make much sense, then I will persevere If my poem's a failure because of forced rhyme Then at least I have found that its helped me to steer I was tired tonight, felt ridden with shame I began to think my years were too thin That I'd done nothing at all to earn a good name Or pay enough gratitude to the world I live in Every moment is precious,,a small thing is worth Not what I thought when I felt very small For a caterpillar or ant an inch is the earth So a single step forward is brave after all Is this poem ok, or is it my worst I know that I felt exceptionally tired But if from fatigue this sudden outburst Has helped me , perhaps I must be inspired I will walk one more step when I really feel rough It's time to take stock, and be glad about things I've written a lot here but perhaps its enough To see what an atom of effort potentially brings May 24 2017
  22. Regrets Arrogance has always been one of my vices Too much boasting when I should have been quiet but there's one thing I really wish that I'd done and that's finding the strength to stick to my diet. May 23 2017
  23. I seem to have made a very strong recovery from a long mental illness, and one of the major reasons is the epilim (sodium valproate) that I have been taking since 2002, but I have for much of the last 15 years been on 2000mg a day and only recently about two years ago been reduced to 1200mg a day. It does seem to have really helped with mood swings but just in the last year I have had increased difficulty concentrating and am finding my thinking more fogged than usual and I also find it difficult to coordinate at times. I think that if this is the effect of long term use of one or more of my medications then its a small price to pay for relief of depression and severe anxiety and probably I cannot have the best of both worlds. I have had some support recently from a psychiatric nurse/social worker who visits me and this has really really helped but I find it embarrassing that I cannot think clearly on the simplest of tasks and yet sometimes I can plan more complicated things. I'm not sure what to do because the side effects - IF - they are these - are becoming irksome and frustrating and I daren't reduce the epilim I think for fear of having a relapse. Nevertheless it is getting quite disabling and I feel that I have aged ten years physically and in terms of my ability to think clearly in just the last year - even though I am calmer and on the whole feeling much better. I am seeing a psychiatrist in a few weeks time but just wondered what to do about this. I really am calmer than before, and I think that the medication has worked wonders as well as a combination of all kinds of other happy events in my life, but I don't like the foggy-thinking and the corresponding difficulty I have with being able to focus properly on jobs whether they require physical coordination or mental concentration. Just wondering what might be best here. Any useful thoughts on the subject would be really appreciated.
  24. Daymares I'm shaken up, I've been upset Its difficult and confusing. Problems are easier to solve - when they are less potent Nightmares easier to resolve - when there is no darkness For just a moment, I cling on - to the fact That I've never seen night. I've never seen darkness I should not be self-deprecating, the textbooks say, but it's true, I can't complain. I should be happy. Why do I enlarge my distress for the sake of a poem. Nightmares are easier to resolve when there is no darkness But daymares are tough - even with all the light of day, even with happiness, even with the inability to explain. Like a fire camouflaged in the sunlight, it hurts. I wish I could write poetry about the worst kind of daymares, the only trouble is that their horrors are too bright to come true and their suffering is too vague to understand. So why should I be upset. Well what does it matter, by hell I shall smile Till I stare these dammed daymares out Whatever it takes! Words fail me, but I do my best; May 9 2017
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