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My empire of dirt

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Everything posted by My empire of dirt

  1. BUT THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY ISN'T IT? WE HAVE LOST OUR WAY THEN AGAIN MAYBE THIS IS THE WAY MAYBE SOME OF US ARE MEANT TO SUFFER WITH NO HAPPINESS? JUST MAYBE THIS IS THE MEANING LIFE THAT LIFE IS UNEVEN AND AND ONESIDED WITH THE FEW HAVING ALL WHILE THE MANY HAVE LITTLE. LFE I CAN SAY WITH GREAT CONFIDENCE HAS NO RHYME OR REASON TO IT. LOT'S OF BAD PEOPLE STRIVING OUT THERE RIGHT NOW WHO ARE LIVING THAT GOOD LIFE WHILE THE REST WELL YOU KNOW NOT DOING SO GOOD. WHO HERE BELIEVES IN THE GOD ALL MIGHTY? DO YOU BELIEVE THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING AND IF YOU DO CAN YOU COME UP WITH AN ANSWER OTHER THEN I DON'T KNOW WHY GOOD PEOPLE SUFFER AND THE EVIL GETS REWARDED? I CAN'T SAY I FEEL SO GOOD RIGHT NOW BUT AGAIN I GUESS ITS AN UPSET THAT I'AM STILL HERE NOW WONDERFUL WOULD IT BE TO BE LOVED AND EXCEPTED BY ALL? THAT NO ONE HELD A GRUDGE OR BAD FEELINGS TOWARD YOU AND YOU TOWARD THEM? AND NO MORE BAD HEALTH NO MORE WORRY OVER OUR LOVE ONES WHO ARE SICK AND DYING NO MORE HUNGER? I GUESS WHAT I AM SAYING WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THERE WAS A HEAVEN?
  2. Is how i feel i keep trying and trying and keep getting knocked to the floor. I don't have a answer as to how to outrun my past and live. You know you can only say it to yourself so many times before you get sucked right back into feeling worthless.
  3. i'm getting better and that i am on my way to seeing the light and that there is hope out there. I hope i have finally accepted my fate in life and that what will happen is god's will. I hope my rage and anger for those who wronged me is now over. Finally i hope i can live even if it is for a short time and have piece in my mind and soul.
  4. I know the feeling i'm having the same problem what little i gained lst summer is now gone. I've ballooned to 230lbs now that's up like almost 30 lbs. I'm back lifting but its nothing (40lbs) And i haven't walked since last september
  5. Your welcome i will try to be around more if i can.
  6. I know i haven't been around much but hang in there Camellia
  7. They can hold us hostage robbing us of our right to life. I never knew how bad my past got in the way til now i can't function or think. I've stopped workingout and have gained back all my weight. Rightnow i'm 230 pounds. I will try to join a gym this summer but that requries me being around people which is getting harder and harder to do. I've basically been a zombie the last few months finding it impossible to rest i have days i don't sleep at all now as i know i'm getting worse i can't turn the noise down in my head. I can't get rid of the feeling of not belonging it doesn't feel natural it feels wrong.
  8. I wanted a wife and family to so there's men at their like me like and there's women out there like you. We got the short end when it comes to life i'm afraid.
  9. I didn't go into the hospital like i thought i might but i think i'm get ready to lose my leg as it has gotten worse. Its just not healing and my fear is going under the knife yet again. I won't be back for awhile if at all as i've got to deal with this i feel my life passing from me. Thanks to Natasha1 and Camilla for being friend to me i will miss you both.
  10. In my case and many others it comes down to having no money, no social skills and sickness. Women won't admit it but they would never go for someone like us. They pay lip service and say "sure i'd date a guy like you" only to be turned down if you have the nerve to ask. So at 48 i must come to terms i will be alone. But on the brightside if there is one is i feel that i'm getting sicker so it won't be much longer that this soul crushing feeling lasts. I pray everyone here in this thread that is going through this feeling you find love someday with a good girl for the guys and for the ladies a good man. God bless and merry christmas.
  11. how have you been?, sorry for being away so much just don't feel like talking at all.

     

    1. Natasha1

      Natasha1

      I know, I understand. I haven't been good, but I'm pulling through. with me, I think I talk too much and it gets me in trouble.

    2. My empire of dirt

      My empire of dirt

      not to much to me take care of yourself Natasha1

    3. Natasha1

      Natasha1

      please keep coming back. maybe you can find words for your blog.

  12. My health has taken a turn for the worst i fear now of dying in the hospitial
  13. I WILL FAIL AT LIFE! I WILL FAIL AT LOVE! I WILL FAIL AT NORMAL! I WILL FAIL AT FAMILY! I WILL FAIL AT FRIEND! I WILL FAIL AT ME! I HAVE FAILED!
  14. I understand you brother those words do no good for someone whos been pushed aside. But an upside if not hope for you is that you are young. I'm 48 and never dated or even kissed a woman. Mylife is over but you have hope at least.
  15. My empire of dirt

    Love IRL

    I wouldn't and i couldn't judge you anyone else i have more then a few flaws that you probably couldn't handle so how can i sit in judgement of you? I know and god knows you are beauiful so the hell with "real life people"
  16. i've tried everything to thinking positive to telling eveybody ball faced lies that i'm just great when i want to put my head thru the wall. On the weightlifting front you all will be happy to know i quit i couldn't keep it up. And guess what i gained all the weight back and am a bigger sucker then ever before isn't that nice boys and girls. I've managed to be a bigger loser then i was. Now that takes real work doesn't it????? I spent most of the summer ******* myself with weights and it failed oh baby what crap i am! Couldn't god at least once had given me a break? I have nothing i'm without nothing so why pile on jesus? Are you trying to tell me i'm a mistake guess what i already know oh what gives? Are you ever gonna let me go?, are you gonna let me die in peace?
  17. How i feel just a shell of what once was-This is me
  18. The events of this past winter i can't shake as i'm still hurting over a girl that doesn't love me. I've tried everything from weightlifting to walking to trying to be cheerful nothing works. I guess i'm so messed up that i can't move on with my joke of a life. I've had such a crashing in my head all these many months that i can't tell whats real and whats not. I ask myself why? i already had enough on my plate i didn't need to fall for someone who didn't care. They say theres someone for everyone but my someone rejected me.
  19. I've spent it trying calm my mind with workingout trying to reduce as much stress as i can but it really hasn't worked. My pain is as fresh as i was back in feb when i joined this board. I thought talking bout things would help but they really haven't at least not yet. So i carry on in hopes i wake with the pain gone from my mind.
  20. I finally realize that people are basically no good and for that matter there's no god. A loving and caring god wouldn't allow the suffering across the board that we see everyday nevermind my pain. I should have been exterminated when it was clear that i wouldn't be able to fit in. But a cruel joke by the all mighty god still has me breathing for what purpose? Everyday is hell for me with no rest from my f'dup life with no friends, no one that loves me, no job, no car and no way to undo it all. If i had a dollar for every so-called good person i met i would have a dollar. Life is ripping my mind apart and tearing my heart out slowly my crying spells are just bout everynight now. I will start crying when a old song comes on the radio that reminds of a different time and place when things weren't so f'dup as they are now. My mind is tortured by the memory of a woman who will never love me then add all the other demons that hold sway in my head and its a f**king party all night long. I want so much for my suffering to go and let me be but its relentless infecting my every thought the only time i'm not aware is the few hrs i'm unconscious from sleep. My awake time is bout 20 hrs a day i lay in bed half awake 3 to 5 hrs most days.Only to be up and in a constant fog from lack of sleep but soon my demons come racing to make sure i'm entertained. I'm like a wounded animal crying out for help, like a baby who needs its mom but she never comes or the poor homeless man starving in the gutter. When i said in earlier blogs "i just need to come to terms" with the way my life has turned out i was wrong now know there's no coming to terms with devastation.
  21. i can't think, i can't eat, 1 can't forget PLEASE LET ME SLEEP!!!!!!!!
  22. In my life but emptiness there's no light there's no hope there's nothing..... Here it is 2;30am and i'm awake again that seems to be the thing with me i'm always awake and aware how bad my life is. I would give anything not to be aware anymore to just be totally clueless of whats going on in my life so i could just rest. I haven't slept in so long or should i say haven't slept good in so long. My mind is a twisted tangled mess of regrets and sorrows. I would love to walk down the street and not feel the eyes of the world on me or not feel totally awkward in the company of people. I just wish i didn't feel like garbage all the time and that i had friends and family but i don't. Its a life of being left out with nowhere to turn. I hate this life i wish god would take it!
  23. I think the answer is- that there is no answer.
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