carter_burn1

Things are getting bad again. Everyone with depression can relate. It feels like you're treading water in the middle of the ocean. There's no land in sight. Every now and then, a ship enters your field of view, and you're filled with a little hope that maybe this time, someone will see you. Someone will help you. Someone will pull you out of the f**king water. But the ship steams by on the horizon, never seeing you, never getting any closer, and you're alone again. And then sometimes it's not just treading water. Sometimes, the sharks start circling underneath you. Sometimes, the wind picks up and the flat water gets first choppy, then outright stormy. As if your arms and legs weren't already tired enough. Yeah. It's like that. This is not good.

Thanks for commenting @nhaar I always feel that way too...I usually don't care, because my regular blog is basically my journal, and I honestly don't care if anyone reads it or comments. It's just easier than writing in a notebook lol. But when I have an idea that I'm going to write about a specific problem I have and hope that it helps other people with the same problem...or just to get people talking about it, in case something that gets said helps somebody...well, it never seems to work out, lol. Not on DF anyway, not a lot of interest in solving specific problems, it seems. Maybe I'm just writing in the wrong section..historically, I'm the one that screws my own good ideas up, lol. But thank you for taking the time to make an encouraging comment, that was cool of you @Teddy545 That's been the case for me, too...works pretty well for two, three, sometimes even four days. Then it's just like I build a tolerance and I'm right back to sleepless nights. It's kind of been odd, this go-around...it's been making me feel naturally tired, which is what I was hoping for. I crawl in bed and my mind seems to quiet down on its own fairly quickly and I'm able to drift off. But the melatonin is definitely giving me super strange dreams. Well, they're strange to me...it's things that are bothering me in my subconscious, but stuff I think I don't care about while I'm awake. But then my mind plucks something troubling from itself, and turns it into a long, complex, interesting, and often troubling dream. So when I wake up during the night (which I do anywhere from 5-10 times a night), I get very interested in what I was just dreaming about, and start trying to dissect it and figure out why I'm dreaming of that particular thing. Which, ironically, keeps me awake, lol. If I don't laugh about it, I'll scream...and never stop Thanks for taking the time to comment!

I went over to my mom's today, my sister is in town with her sons, and her oldest was having his 5th birthday party. If there's anything that helps me get perspective, it's being around her boys. I don't have kids of my own and never will, for lots of reasons. But it's not just the kids, you see. A two year old and a five year old are easy. They don't care about my past. They don't care about my failures. They don't care about my future. They care that I bring them candy and toys, that I hug them and love them and play with them. They like me because, like all kids, they possess that creepy sixth sense. They somehow just know that I love them, that I'd die for them, that I'd protect them from anything and everything. They don't shy away from me, they gravitate. And it's totally no big deal for them, even though it's amazing to me. Last Christmas, my younger nephew was barely two. I'd only met him twice before, when he was a tiny baby and couldn't possibly remember me. He came right to me and was glued to me the whole time, and my sister and everyone else talked about how odd and unlike him that was. It didn't feel odd to me, it felt normal and right. That kid somehow knew how I loved him even though he didn't know me, and his simple response was to stay close. I love them both...I'll never forget babysitting the oldest when he was eight months old, and the only thing I could do to get him to stop crying was play Red Hot Chili Peppers and bounce him on my knee and sing to him. He stopped crying, listened, watched me...then cracked that toothless grin and started bouncing and jamming out. I'll never forget it. Life can really suck. But getting that first smile from that little dude...man, that's the good stuff. Anyway, it's not just the kids. I'm a failed writer, a failed athlete, a failed student...I'm a failed a lot of things. My family knows all about how many times and how hard I've fallen, and even though they won't admit it, I can sense that they've given up on me. Not in a "hell with you" sort of way...they've just stopped expecting great things out of me. It's a relief and a letdown at the same time. But when I'm with my nephews, I get this sense from my mom and my sister. They're pleased and surprised at how good I am at being an uncle. It makes them happy. And let me tell you, it's been a long, long time since I've brought either of them any happiness. The kids have shown me that I still have the ability to kick ass at something. They showed it to my mom and my sister, too. Just being around them has made me feel something again...something inside of me that I thought I'd thrown away or burned up like a cigarette. Turns out it was just buried very deep. I'm not useless. I'm not worthless. I can still be effortlessly good at something. And the fact that it turned up in such an unexpected place is encouraging. Makes me want to get out there and see just what else I don't suck at. Thanks, boys.

Well, I thought I'd follow up, although now this blog seems like a much dumber idea than it did last night. The 4mg of melatonin I took last night was phenominal. I was shocked, honestly. It probably took me less than an hour to fall asleep, which is amazing for me...like, unheard of. I slept straight through the night and most of the morning, too...11 solid hours. I know better than to get my hopes up about it's continued success...it could have just been that my body and mind were going to shut down anyway. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, so it could potentially just be a coincidence. But I'm taking another 4mg again tonight...if I get two good nights in a row, I'll know for sure I owe it to the melatonin.

So I finally got un-lazy enough to categorize and chronicle my constant battle with insomnia. It seems common enough on this site, so if you have two cents to chip in here, feel free! I spend tons of time researching insomnia cures and I have tried some truly wacky sh*t in order to get some sleep, so don't be shy. If rubbing a rusty horseshoe on your chest before getting into bed works for you, my only question is gonna be "where's the nearest horseshoe store??" I'm no stranger on DF, but for those who don't know me, I'll give you a very condensed history as it relates to the topic at hand. I'm a 32 year old male in good health. As of right now, I'm not on any prescription meds. The only drugs I put into my system are caffeine and nicotine. Yeah, yeah, I know...two of the worst things for sleep, lol. But I've cut out the caffeine for ~6 hours before bedtime, and it doesn't seem to be making a difference. I have delayed-onset insomnia...basically, I'm okay once I fall asleep, I sleep pretty well. It's the falling asleep part that sucks. Some nights, I literally lie in bed for five or six hours before I can pass out. Some nights, I never get to sleep at all. It seems to be getting worse lately...I'm always too hot, too hungry, too uncomfortable, too whatever to even think about falling asleep. My mind goes 150 MPH as soon as I turn out the light, and if there's a mental trick to make it stop, I haven't found it. I move between the couch and my bed four, five, six times some nights, just trying to get comfortable enough to sleep. Some nights I seem to need ambient noise to pass out. Other nights, I have to take the batteries out of the clocks to stop the damned ticking and turn off anything that makes any sort of noise or light. At this point, I think bedtime has become so tied to anxiety that I have a miniature panic attack every night when I close my eyes, wondering just how long sleep is going to elude me tonight. Here is an incomplete list of things I've tried to battle the beast: OTC sleep aids, mostly antihistamines Herbal remedies (melatonin, valerian - extract, whole root, tea, and powdered, and herbal formulas with a combo of mostly those two and other random vitamins, minerals, and herbs) Prescription sleep aids - Ambien and Belsomra Changing absolutely everything about my pre-sleep ritual, chemical consumption leading up to bedtime, where I sleep, when I sleep, how I sleep Binaural beats, ambient music, nature sounds Some...erm...questionably legal substances. Bud works well, but I only use it when I live in a place where it's legal. Which I do not currently. I'd rather have insomnia at home than in jail, thanks When I was prescribed Xanax for anxiety, I was...liberal...with the dosage for a while at bedtime. Worked to put me out for like three nights, then just stopped working I'm probably forgetting a lot, and I'm leaving out some of the crazier remedies that I should have known better than to try (honey infused alcohol, I'm talkin' to you) I have an appointment with the med clinic next week, where I'll probably go back on Ambien. I mentioned Belsomra, which worked well, but also had some creepy side effects...you other insomnia sufferers know that a few side effects are a slice of cake, though, as long as the sh*t knocks you out. Unfortunately, Belsomra is $300 bones out of pocket, and I don't have that kind of cash to drop on a script. Ambien runs me about $25 a month. It's hit or miss, and I seem to build a tolerance fairly quickly, but at this point I'll take it and say thankya. But, since that's not till next week... I'm going another round with melatonin. I had some limited success with it last year...the first three nights I took it, I fell asleep fast (which, for me, is two hours or less from when my head hits the pillow.) It also gave me some very interesting dreams without any of the terrifying nightmare stuff. Unfortunately, three nights was all I got out of it. After that, I might as well have been taking sugar pills. I took 2 mg two hours ago and just took 2 more...planning on trying to go to sleep in about an hour. My rationale behind staggering the dose like that is if a melatonin deficiency is what's causing the problem, I'm simulating the natural production - slow buildup till sleepytime. I'll post tomorrow about how it worked/didn't work. Again, even though this blog's got my name on it, feel very free to comment! Tell your insomnia story, your triumphs and failures, your favorite pajamas...whatever the hell you want! If nothing else, at least it'll give the other insomniacs something to look at at 3:30 am

@browri Not real worried about my pdoc thinking I'm seeking drugs to "have fun" or "get high." She's been throwing benzos at me for well over a year, and I keep shutting it down. We're both disappointed in how little I've responded to the plethora of ADs I've tried, so I have a feeling she'll be fine with trying something different. I'm not planning on pestering her about it, just bringing it up and seeing what she thinks. Thanks for the info!

I really don't want to lay around stewing in my own bad thoughts. It crushes me when someone even implies that it's what I'm choosing to do. It's not a choice, only a moron would choose it. I want to be active, useful, and motivated. On the rare occasions I can power through the depression and at least act like I'm those things, I find myself relatively happy. Today I cleaned my room, organized my drawers, washed my clothes and my bedding, actually folded those clothes and replaced the bedding, did a pain in the ass job for my neighbor I've been putting off, and cooked dinner for my grandparents. I even managed to shower and shave after all of that was done, lol. So now I'm feeling comfortable and accomplished, which is kinda sad when I really think about it...wow, I had a day where I was able to act like a normal human being! Well done! But it doesn't change the fact that I'm pleased with myself, and for the first time in weeks, I feel like my exhaustion might actually be stronger than my insomnia, and I have hope - a little - that I'll be able to get something resembling a normal night's sleep tonight.

@browri That's exactly what I'm looking for. Sometimes I can't even force myself out of bed to mow the lawn or wash clothes, stuff that doesn't even take an hour. It just seems like it would take too much effort. And then I get more depressed because my depression is preventing me from getting my sh*t done. Simple tasks make me feel tired to the point of being unwell. A seven hour shift doing menial bullsh*t at work makes me feel like I ran a marathon and then had a five round fight. It would be funny if it weren't so damn exhausting. So taking a pill that would give me the energy, drive, and focus to do what I need to do sounds like a fantasy...the same way I felt about antidepressants when I first started trying them out. I had so much hope and optimism that things were finally going to change...then letdown after letdown, to the point where I don't even want to try another AD, because one of these days the letdown is gonna be too much and they're gonna find me swinging from the rafters. But maybe I've just been trying to medicate the symptom and not the problem...maybe the problem is this lack of energy and drive. Either way, it's worth a shot, and I will be pestering my pdoc to give it to me, lol. Thanks for sharing your experience!

Vyvanse sounds like exactly what I need to get out of this stall I'm in. I feel you on the merry-go-round of "Try this, try that, try the kitchen sink!" On one of my last pdoc visits, she actually told me to experiment on my own with combinations and doses of the prescriptions. It's obvious she's at a loss for what to prescribe me anymore, so she's phoning it in and telling me to do whatever the hell I want. Problem is, being my own doctor has never worked out in the past, lol. Your last pdoc was a sick b*stard. Don't worry, though...the boys in lockup know what he's there for, and he's getting it ten times worse than he ever gave it.

People going through life with an undiagnosed mood disorder probably have the hardest go of things imaginable. "Normal" people, for whatever reason, think that having a mood/emotional/mental disorder is a choice. How many times are we told we're being difficult? You're unreasonable? Get your sh*t together? I love the cancer analogy...would those same people tell someone in a hospital bed with cancer to get their sh*t together? Not likely, lol...but we have as much of a choice about our mental illness as someone with pancreatic cancer has about theirs. The diagnosis is the first step, and it's a big one...but I'm proud of you for realizing right off the bat that the "fix" may not be easy or come quick. I'm no doctor, so my opinions should be completely discarded lol...but I will say that I've known a lot of females with bipolar, and almost all of them respond well to the meds they have for it. Just from a layman's perspective, bipolar seems to be a lot less treatment resistant than other mental disorders. So, while it's good to be cautious, be optimistic, too! Like you said, this could be the start of a very positive change in your life! Good luck, I'm pulling for you!

Feeling like the major things in your life are out of your control is horrible. Your home is supposed to be your refuge, somewhere you can feel safe and comfortable. I'm sorry that got taken away from you without you having any say in it. I probably shouldn't be giving anybody advice, as f**ked up as I am...but I do want to just say one thing. If you're honest about how something makes you feel uncomfortable with your significant other and they choose to do it again...that's a bad sign. When you love someone, you're supposed to care about their feelings, no matter if you agree with them or not. You're supposed to want to show that person respect and understanding. I'm not trashing your boy, because I don't know him, and all I know about the situation is what you wrote about in this post. But it's something to think about. From this little post, I think you're a smart and intuitive person going through a rough time. Be strong, stand up for yourself, and don't settle for anyone or anything. Hang in there. They keep promising me it gets better. Maybe it even does.

I want Vyvanse!! A lot of my depression comes from being completely unable to set and maintain any goals. For the longest time I thought it was the other way around...I couldn't get sh*t done because I was depressed. Now I kinda think I'm depressed cuz I can't get anything done haha. My cousin has an IQ of 6, has a drinking problem, and somehow manages to hold down a full time job and actually receive scheduled raises and promotions. I asked her out of desperation what she has that I don't, and she said, deadpan, "Vyvanse, dude." I took an ADHD assessment five years ago which said I didn't have the disorder, but I'm about to beg my pdoc to let me try it. She's kind of a pushover, so I have a feeling she may hook it up...any side effects I should know about in advance? That's absolutely horrible about your last pdoc...unfortunately, I hear about that kind of thing all the time. We've had two prominent psychiatrists put in prison where I live in the last two years...one for being a cash-only xanax peddler, and the other for - you guessed it - sexual assault. Only he didn't seem to mind if the patient was young, old, male, or female. Out of curiosity...what was it about the Wellbutrin that you couldn't handle? I took it for a few months, and I can't really remember why I quit it...I'm almost sure it was because it was screwing with my already-jacked-up sleep patterns, making it even harder to fall or stay asleep. Or maybe that was the one that made me grind my teeth and jaw. Who can remember. Klonopin is pretty heavy duty for a benzo, isn't it? Haven't tried that one...hated Ativan for some unidentifiable reason, and Xanax turns me into a late stage Alzheimer's patient where I can't remember what I ate 20 minutes before. ...I think I've hijacked the thread and diverted the conversation enough for one day. Thanks for the info and your experiences!

I think I'm done with antidepressants. I just entertained the idea of trying Wellbutrin again after this latest failure with Trintellix, and WebMD lists 141 potential side effects, almost all of which sound unpleasant to downright horrible. This is insanity.

No kidding! I don't blame you! Are you planning on trying something else instead? Or is that a decision for another day?