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SophieViolet95

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About SophieViolet95

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  • Birthday 03/20/1995

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    Female
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    U.K.

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  1. I'm still lurking and thought I'd come in on the fanfic discussion that's happening. I actually write fanfic, and up until recently, I never posted any of them. Over the last 2 months, I've become absolutely obsessed with a TV Show, more so, one of the main characters of it. And this obsession (with the show and character) is really bad, and surprise surprise, all my old ones have faded out again (for now). I've watched this show almost constantly (I'm being really serious here) for the last 60 days or so and I'm now on the last season, the new season starts in September. My love of this TV show inspired so much writing creativity that I spend a lot of time on (especially when I have no internet). Though I don't post all of them (because some I feel aren't that good), I keep them on a word document, and the couple I've posted on Tumblr have had a few notes so I try and continue when I can. I myself, actually do Reader insert one shots/drabbles, because I find it easier to imagine myself in the stories, and though I've invented a character for the maladaptive daydreaming that occurs with this obsession; I find Reader insert fics so much easier to write and I love reading them too. Some are romantic pairings between the character and reader, though some are purely friendship ones. I also downloaded a Scriptwriting app to my laptop, which also helps with the daydreaming because it helps me to also imagine myself in the stories/scenes I write. Though these do name my "character", I NEVER post them because they're just for me.
  2. Yesterday I was able to watch my CO in his play in the cinema in a live broadcast from the theatre and I don't think I've felt happiest in a really long time. I thought he was absolutely brilliant in it. I think I spent 95% of the time smiling at the screen. For the first time in ages though, I actually felt normal (away from all my anxiety and worries) and I just felt happy and really relaxed. I don't know if it was because I was out of my house for the first time in a while but I'm sure that my CO was a huge reason to actually feeling that way for that hour and a half or whatever it was. I actually miss the show so much. Didn't think I would but I really just want to see it all over again but sadly that was just a one off (apart from a few encore screenings which I no longer have the money for. And I also don't have the money to actually see it in the actual theatre). I also didn't think it'll be possible to love my CO anymore but it appears I was wrong because I'm more in love with him than I was this time yesterday. This CO seems to give me a lot larger feelings than any I've had before. I really don't know why. But he just makes me so incredibly happy. ?
  3. Not updated here in a while so thought I'd return again. (This is really long though, so I apologise). (I feel I sound even crazier than I did before but I just need to get all this out. I am actually so glad for this forum because I literally have no one else to talk to about any of this because I don't think anyone in my life would even understand any of it. So I'm glad I can just pour my heart out on here and not really be that judged for it and I know some of you can possibly relate). So here we go! In my first ever post here, I mentioned a CO that became rather minor when I first posted. About two months ago, I mentioned that it returned with a big vengeance. (My original one I came here about has died down a lot for now due to the fact he's literally not doing anything) It has only got worse since then. And by that, I mean really bad. Almost (what feels like at least) 10x worse than any I've had before. A quick background on this one though: I first fell in love with this particular actor (I did name him in my first post, if you're feeling curious. I don't mind.) just over a year ago, after my nan gave us a bunch of DVDs and one of them happened to be a film with him in. The obsession initially lasted about 3 months and went away again. It came back about 3 months ago when I happened to see a picture of him on Tumblr. It's definitely become a lot bigger since I watched his latest TV series (which I watched back in January). Before all of this, I probably had watched about 9 of his filmography stuff, now it's probably about 18, with so much more to go (27 to be precise. Yes, I have it written down). I do not know how to control it right now. Everything I have watched with him in lately has reduced me to tears, either watery eyes, a few drops or full on crying a waterfall. He personally doesn't have Social Media or anything but since this obsession has returned, I found myself following two of his oldest children and his ex-wife on social media, just in case he turned up on them. (Wow, I sound crazy. But he sort of did on one of a few months ago and it made me happy. Luckily, they're a little famous too so I don't think they would've notice me following for that reason). Another thing I mentioned briefly on one of my other posts is the fact that I can't go and see him in theatre (which started tonight). I've been really disappointed about it, which I shouldn't be, because I feel stupid being upset about it. But I understand the reasons I can't go. Except I can't stop being really sad about it. I was searching across Twitter just now (which I attempted to tell myself not to do much during the play) and came across people having pictures with him (which is the exact reasons I attempted to minimise my search of him during this) and I actually cried (like the weirdo I am). I don't know why I did, I think I felt like this was the best chance I ever had of meeting him myself so I think I'm just being a little jealous. It is being broadcast live in the cinema next month so I'm not totally missing out but I just would've loved to of gone to see him in the flesh. I am very well aware I need professional help. My last doctor's appointment (the first step to getting proper help) got cancelled so I have no idea when I'll get another one. I have tried telling myself to try and calm it down but I simply can't. The thought of giving this up is too much to bear but it's just so very intense feelings right now. Like, I even began to feel like I was genuinely in love with him and I don't know why. Though, I don't think I want to be with him romantically, I think I wish he was in my life, but not romantically (I mean, he has a girlfriend and I think they're rather happy). In my daydreams, he is. Like I've said with my previous COs, them in my fantasies, are definitely a coping thing for my anxieties, sadness, etc. I imagine him telling me things will be okay, because sometimes, I find it hard to believe anyone else that it will. I've come to realise though that the feelings you can have for a CO is such a rollercoaster of emotions. In most cases, they're the most comforting, calming and happy emotions but just every now and then, certain events, situations can make you extremely sad and distressed. I didn't sign up for the latter. I didn't mean to ramble on like this but I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to about this, because my family just don't understand. But I just needed somewhere to just write it all down.
  4. I had an idea. For anyone who wants it (and if you use it), I put all of the songs in @Audrey822's (so I'm hoping it's okay) blog post in a *link removed please pm member* (I hope that link works) for you all. I'll add anymore if anyone wants to add or change if I've done the wrong versions (I've done one song with two different known versions)! I'll add anymore myself if I find some that I think may apply! Wasn't able to add the Taylor Swift song.
  5. @Audrey822 I actually enjoy class when I'm there so that annoys me more than anything. I never had any sort of thoughts about any of my COs until recently and I have no idea where they've come from. I've never once had them for my longest CO. I apply for jobs on/off for ages but it always feels like no one wants to hire me, my lack of experience lets me down a lot but I always keep looking. The other issue is that I suddenly re-realise that I have Social Anxiety (it's not as bad as it used to be) and when I have to go to more crowded places, I worry that that will let me down too. I am trying to tell myself that it's not "set in stone impossible" that I can't go and there's still time for anything to happen. Maybe I'll win the lottery. @OpalP25 Thank you! I always wish that something would happen between us, but deep down none of us was ready and now I've dealt with the fact that we are never likely to see each other again, and I doubt he remembers me. He is very much a part of my past and I'm okay with that, just every now and then, the thoughts return.
  6. Just feel like giving another update because I haven't done in a while so I hope everyone is doing okay (or at least coping). None of my COs have given me quite strong feelings as recently. So one of my minor ones has come back with a great big vengeance. This CO is 22 years older than me (the same age as my dad) but I can't get this one out of my head. I watched more of his filmography than any other obsessions I've had, though it's partly due to the fact he's done more than my other obsessions, but this one has come back so bad to the point that my other major ones have become pushed back again to the point that I sometimes forget they exist, which is just so so bad of me and it makes me feel guilty. These feelings are making me feel quite the opposite to some others, missed college 3 weeks in a row (went back to one lesson on Monday and missed Maths yesterday yet again) because weirdly, I'd rather stay in bed (maybe that's just my laziness again though, but it does coincidentally coincide with this CO returning), whereas I decided to go to college in the first place because my COs inspire me (which they still do). But by far, the most weirdest and slightly annoying thing is that this CO started to make me think a lot about a crush on a guy I had over 3 years ago. We were never a thing, I told him how I felt, he said he wasn't ready for anything and we went our separate ways and that was it (I very much doubt he even remembers me really). I thought I was over it but I keep thinking a lot lately about what might of been. I blame the feelings for this CO for those feelings and I know it's probably not related but I don't know. I've never had any romantic feelings for the celebrities I obsess over, nor "normal" people other than that one I've mentioned because I don't mix with any men. But it seems that me getting these kind of feelings for a celebrity reminds me of how I felt when I had similar feelings for a "real life" person. (I say real life because I didn't know a better way of putting it but I'm sure you get what I mean. Not that my COs aren't real people, they're just not really "real life" in the sense that people you know personally are. If that makes sense) I never had any thoughts about being COs romantically. But lately the feelings have happened, despite the fact that I'd never get to meet them, let alone them actually ever "falling in love" with me. My maladaptive daydreaming thing has got so bad again with this one again too. Not being able to meet the one that has suddenly returned really saddens me more than the others, though I blame that on the fact that he's doing theatre in my country (not city, but it's not technically all that far away. about 95-100 miles away) in late April to early May and in a way, that would probably be the best chance I had but I have no money to go and it's really upset me. I know once the play is over, I'll forget all about it, but I keep making up all these scenarios in my head where we meet there and I know it won't happen and it just seems to be this constant loop and I can't get any of it or him out of my head and it makes me so sad. Anyway, moaning over, just wanted to get my personal thoughts/feelings out.
  7. @Audrey822 My mum is a great person and she's put up with a lot over the last few years. She's done everything for me that tbh, my dad hasn't bothered to do and I am always grateful for that. She has basically let me live at home for free and though I know she isn't happy about that, she's let it. I'm sure that what she said was out of frustration and she probably didn't mean it quite as much as she sounded to. I love her and always will but there are just times like this that it's hard for me not to dislike her sometimes and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. @perfectcircle77 Thank you! I think the argument could be sorted after all. After yesterday I believe it couldn't but maybe we can try, it's a new day after all. Anyways, sorry about ranting everyone.
  8. @posie_riot I can also relate to what you've said too. My mum often makes comments about how I don't bring money into the house and how I get everything for free. The only reason I'm even looking for a job now is because I sort of felt pressured into it by the comments my mum makes but now I'm only really doing it for me as I need money for myself and I literally have nothing. Me and my mum never really have got on ever since I was about 12/13/14 and I refused to go to school. She was the one that made me stay in my room and never made the effort to speak to me (which is basically what's happening now), and it's when my anxiety started. I always got on with my dad better (though he just went along with the punishment I received.) but I don't speak to him anymore so I can't really get any help from him or anything. @Audrey822 In frustration, I have said "I don't care." but that's about things in general, though I've never once said "I don't care about you." The argument was caused by something very silly but it's gone way past being friends right now. I'm sure deep deep deep down she said it out of anger, but she said a lot of things that has upset me. And Thank You , maybe soon we'll be friends but I really struggle to see that at the moment.
  9. "All you ever care about is celebrities." Actual quote from my mum today during a huge argument. This comment, among others she made has really angered and upset me. I think it's really obvious that she has never really understood what it's like to have such strong feelings towards a celebrity or my entire mental state in general. I've never hidden that I'm obsessed with them, but to say that's all I ever care about is wrong. She knows how bad my obsessions get, she's watched me go through a few of them, but it's never come to the point when that's all I care about. So I feel that comment was harsh, I did reply with something like "maybe because they make me happy." and they really really do and right now, since the start of our argument my CO has been a huge help for me, but even they aren't making me feel any better after our argument. The argument has caused us to not be speaking at all and I don't see that changing any time soon, not because of that comment as such but the argument we had was just huge and I really don't see a repair in the future. I feel so down but more annoyed and I really don't want to live in this house with her anymore but unfortunately I'm not in the position financially to leave, I feel I'm more of a guest in my own house at the moment. I don't wanna rant on here because it'll go on forever but I just wanted somewhere to rant about that comment.
  10. It's occurred to me that I haven't been on here in a while. So thought I'd update a bit, I don't think there's much to say but anyway, My recent CO has sort of faded out a bit to be honest, it comes and goes but at the moment it's in the back ground a bit. I think that's because my older one has really picked back up and the maladaptive daydreaming has come back massively with this one at the moment. I've not really done it a lot lately because I have other things going on but since Tuesday my older one is really huge again.(Though I think that has something to do with the fact that the TV show he's been starring in had the episode that his character centred on air on Tuesday. And he was honestly incredible in it. I don't think I can actually get over it. ) But the daydreaming really does make me feel like I'm not on my own, I just imagine him with me, telling me things will get better. (And don't get me wrong, my mum tells me that) but when I'm on my own and awake for 7 hours at nighttime, my daydreaming is the only thing that gets me through it sometimes and I'm really not sure I could cope without it nowadays. I know I've not done it much but it's still been there despite me having another stuff going on but I don't think I can cope without it forever. I've missed doing it and I've forgotten how much it helps. I drift through different COs doing it to and no matter which one it is, it just helps. As for college, I've had a few things going on so the last few weeks has been nothing short of disastrous in terms of how often I've attended, I managed English on Monday but Maths yesterday didn't happen. My anxiety just makes me lose lack of motivation a lot and it always seems to occur on Maths day. I'm hoping things get better and I'm sure they will eventually. ?
  11. One problem I have is having such a bad guilty conscience and right now, it concerns my CO. I run a Twitter fan page for my CO and yesterday I made the mistake of doing a poll asking whether my support was enough. There's been 21 votes and 81% said yes and the other 19% said no. I then made the mistake telling them to tell me anonymously (on something called CuriousCat) what I'm doing wrong. 2 people messaged saying that I tweet too much and that I probably annoy him. Some came on and claimed I don't but I can't help but feel incredibly bad. Now I won't lie, that's a fair comment, I do tweet a lot and yes, I tweet my CO a lot too, I imagine that he's fed up of seeing my name in his notifications but now I just feel really bad about it. I'm not the sort of person to just leave Twitter as it's one of the only things that keeps me going but I'm trying to tweet less. But it's really hard, especially over the next few weeks as he's coming back on TV in his new series and I am obviously not going to not tweet during/about that. I know I brought it on myself by asking in the first place but because of my anxiety and kind of hate criticism, my guilty conscience is really high. I hate to even think I am annoying him at all.
  12. Sorry I've not posted for a week or so, my internet was down until a couple of days ago. My first week at college was actually so good! Even though I was only there for about 5 and a half hours, like every week, it's still so much fun and I am so excited to be able to do this. My anxiety was okay for it, Monday was a bit bad, but once I'm there I am absolutely fine, same with Wednesday, though anxiety was better. The thing I love about it is already, I feel confidence gaining, I feel happier generally. I actually feel able to talk to people, sort of. I am the worse at conversations but I don't feel overly awkward about being in them. I feel able to say answers in class out loud too, which again is something I never do. My COs have already gone down a little, my older one, has come back the last few days but my most recent one has gone down quite a bit at the moment. My recent one got flared up the other day when he said that I was "very sweet" on Twitter after a Tweet conversation between me and some of the cast members of his new show. That also has made my week even better. College already has made me feel more confident and I am feeling a little happier with life already!
  13. I've made a step in trying to overcome my anxiety. Off to college for a few hours a week doing Functional Skills Maths and GCSE English. When I was at school, my anxiety stopped me doing my exams (or at least getting a decent/useful result in them), I only managed about 2 months when I attempted college 3 years ago. I start Monday and go in 2 times a week! I am really excited to attempt to do this properly this time! I know this isn't particularly related to having a CO but I sort of expect it to take them out of my head for a few hours a week. Though right now both of them appear to be going through a bit of a lull. They've both gone rather minor at the moment, I expect them to ramp back up again soon though. I watch my recent CO on TV more than my older one because I am still overly obsessed with one of his shows more than my older one at the moment. My daydreaming isn't all that much at the moment either but they become a lot bigger when I'm having anxious periods and I pretend that my CO is helping me through them. But they do still happen when I'm just randomly watching TV and I feel the need to get up and act it all out. Another little random thing is that I came across an idea on Tumblr. I came across this picture recently of my recent CO holding up a piece of paper saying 'Breathe'. It was for a mental health charity based in Ireland and the persons Tumblr post said that when they feel anxious, they look at the picture and just imagine him telling them to "Breathe". So whenever I feel anxious, I try and look at this picture and imagine it in my head too and try and breathe.
  14. My COs started when my anxiety started when I was about 12/13 (maybe a year or two older). I can never say who my first ever obsession was. I never remember having any before my anxiety began so I'm pretty sure it's started since my anxiety began. I still believe that it's down to loneliness, not having any friends, etc. So I spend 95% of my time on my computer and watching TV so all my obsessions come from that. They've always been male at it usually always start from me finding them attractive (I appreciate women in the media but I never becoming fully obsessed with them like I do with men). I actually began fantasising whilst helping my mum out at work the other day, it actually got me through the work. I don't think she noticed luckily and I tried to keep it as non-noticeable as possible. I watch far too many TV shows that I begin to be obsessed with and my fantasy world become tangled in those (pretending I'm a character in those shows and things). It's the most stupidest thing, and it's probably just me but I have been obsessed with a UK TV drama/documentary which is about how the police conduct an investigation (and it may be getting me a little in love with an actor on it), it's improvised with actors and stuff and I have been using that show in my fantasy world. And I've even slightly considered acting or police as a career (that's how bad it gets).
  15. I've just spent the last hour (about half an hour ago) watching my recent CO on TV. It was lovely, as you can imagine.