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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. Hi sailing. I think we have talked before. Yea, in my great and very humble opinion, people really suck. I cant count the times ive been back stabbed by a friend. Its the worst. Id rather a gf cheat on me, than a bro id take a bullet for cross me. I used to have endless friends, but i have been alone for the most part outside work for about a year. Anyways, wanted to say to try not to judge yourself about feeling bad. Pain is unique to each of us. So many variables in life, impossible to say who would do what in my life or yours.
  2. I am an addict. Took a long time. But sitting with my emotions is my first line of defense. For a long time, just automatically nullify the pain. I walked away from the needle, now i really feel the intensity of my depression. But for the most part do not judge my situation. I can let myself feel bad for a lil bit, because what i went through was not normal. But normally i can commit to something else. Lately have been physically lonely
  3. Sorry didnt see ur post epic. Yea im ok. Knee is swollen. Nice scrape on upper arm. Feels like my body has taken a lot of physical abuse. Skateboarding, hockey, carpet installing, army. But what is left unsaid in the public, is the toll of mental abuse. My personality, my sexuality (or lack of), and my violent past seem to me like they are results of being too hurt. Never knew how to hack it properly. I also never mentioned my despise for people. I live in a big city, where the atmosphere is all about individuality. Most people are rude and there is no shortage of ignorance. I have adapted fine to it, even successful. But as i said before, i think getting better is just a question of how much you are willing to lose. What lines will you cross. It also just seems like this world has a death wish. I was talking about global warming with a friend. I said all you have to do is open a science book to know the earths climate has always been changing. And you have to do is open a history book to know that it isnt even worth saving anyways. Pretty grim i know. I should be happy. I have been trying my hardest. And thx for the bday wishes ;) It was actually pretty good. Spent a lot of money lol.
  4. Dominating in it's presence, The calling can not be unrecognized, They had me in this system, The death that has materialized, Dear God, I've been born over, And over and over again, Behold my carcass of white trash, In one minute you'll speak, Offer me this diet of cake, But which one is poison, The counterfeit fake, Dear God, this day has happened over, And over and over again, I bite through with all cruelty, They named me a present, It has wrapping and a bow, But it haunts me with cutting, The pain that we wanted to go, I can't believe, you had me, Suspecting me to celebrate, Dear God how could you do me like that? I have been analyzing the analysts, They can not see my anonymous, Now hurry, the day has not come to end, Lets see what is sacred in blasphemous, Dear God, you chose me now over, And over and over again, Witness the dissection of the animal me, This century, We're alive, The next, We're dead, What about the millions of eons? This small time, We're conflicted, The next, We're dead, What about the birth of the days? This moment, We're silent, The next, We're dead, What about the natural selection? On the twenty fifth day, He said let there be a tyrant, In an age of acceptance, Still clinging to the reliant, Dear God, I've cut myself over, And over and over again, I pray that your sirens can pick up the trail, This time I had a picture, The smiles aren't reoccurring, And what is there left to believe, Than that hope is ill deserving, Dear God, I've hoped over, And over and over again, Which one will grant me the lightning lash? I know what you are thinking, Close my eyes and blow out the lights, I should be completely happy, On this resurrection of timeless nights, I eat my apple, The gush of the ooze, Dear God how could you do me like that? If the moon reflects the sun, How can the man continue to operate? This decision that you use, Born onto which you can fascinate, Dear God, I've born over, And over and over again, Behold my carcass of white trash, It's my birth day, The will of the God, It's the birth of the day, The will of the dirt. I am birthed, But still feeling dead
  5. Hi Wrenn :) Thx guys. Just wasn't feeling good last night. Have been pushing through, not sure how I do it sometimes. Loneliness starting to get to me.
  6. So today is my bday. 31 years on this rock. Always amazed by the blatantly evil social acceptance. Since last october, i have been successful as a chef, big events, vip parties, massive amounts of stuff. Hotdog competition, weddings, military balls. Lots of work, lots of focus involved. Not sure how i have been doing it, but i get the most hours. Also, everyone really likes me. Im sure if i wanted, could easily get with someone, but dont care too. Heart been ripped out too much. Today, i shopped and saw new alien movie and gog, was good day. Then, on my way home i wrecked on my bicycle. Huge scrape, blood, pain. A reminder, that on this 31st year, im ******, and hurt, and no matter how good i look in my swagger, no matter how much i wish to dress myself up, i am just in pain. In mindfulness, i do not believe i will ever rid what hurts. Just sit with it. Cold, lonely. Getting better, too much a cliche saying. There is only the question of how much you are willing to lose. I have experienced so much. I have found that some will rise by thier sin, and others in thier virtue, will fall. I have to often ask, if im a good person. Thanks for listening to stupid rant.
  7. Lol science guy. I agree with saphire all the way. The social structure of the world is pretty depressing. Its all about individualism and instagram. The fake gets glorified. I am a combat veteran, always fantasized what it wpuld be like with a sword amd shield rather than an m4 a1.
  8. Hi hello. Hehe that looks wierd. Hello hello. Anyways, i also spent quite a while in bed, saturated with negative emotions, maybe like 8 months. I am 30 and live with my parents. Took a couple years of hard work, a lot of focus and drive, but things are at least a lil better. I understand what u mean completely though. Hope you keep driving on. Welcome to the forum. Many kind people here, bound in this fight together. Some wisdom can also be found here.
  9. Yea sounds to me you got your groove. It took me like 4 months to get out of bed. And then when i did, i wasmt sure what was going to make my life better. But i got this job as a chef at a football stadium, and things started falling in place. I got back into music going to concerts, started playing video games i had missed in five years, bought myself nice clothes. Prolly a longer list of stuff now, but did not happen fast. Working out is great. I used to be really fit, was in the army a few years, and installed carpet and tile for a long time. Maybe this past year just wanted to give my body a break. But if you really focus, you can lose yourself working out or running. And the benefits are great. Just keep pushing through. There will be tough days, as far as thinking about her, but if youve already figured out a couple things, like me, im sure things will fall into place too.
  10. I joined this site while i split up with my most current ex gf. I can not really give it justice, to try and describe the pain i went through. Was worse than my divorce. Its been a lil more than a year. I work very hard mentally, i have had a lot of support. But its not so bad once some time has past. I still get thoughts of her pop in my head. Like how could someone who loved someone else could do that to them. Then becomes a question if she loved me. But then, i come back to the present moment. I remember there is a true beauty to this world. I am grateful, as much as i can. But, very different from what i was. If you ever wanna talk just pm. You def arent alone, many struggle with loss. Acceptance can be a powerful tool.
  11. Natasha, ive really liked your past few posts ;)
  12. I am bending the material, Watch me materiate, I put on all of my metal, Watch me retaliate, I am bending the channel, Watch me hallucinate, I put on our spectrum, Watch me obliterate, I am bending the siren, Watch me callobrate, I put on my wickid, Watch me fascinate, I got this feeling that nobody wants to understand, There is no promised land, not for the bad man, This grand calamity where we dont know who we are, Children of the last star, too many years but not very far, Start to rip us apart but the suffering is mandatory anyways, Life in this place is like lost in maze, **** what it pays, How many hundreds of days, do i have to ask if im a good person? Just hurtin and learnin, hopin that i dont wake in the mornin, Im sorry if this could be flirtin, but i never asked to be here, So give me a cheer talking about roses and fleers, Everyday is new years for the countless dead that came before us, Guess its just luck, if we're greedy enough we won't ever give up, I am bending the material, Watch me call demi claim, I put on the spiral, Watch me flicker pain, I am bending the temple, Watch me burn in flames, I put on the failing coward, Watch me take the blame, I am bending the mental, Watch me go insane, I put on the doctors, Watch me hurt for thier fame, Attack and attack this world can not stop its attack, As matter of fact, i can not react as fast as it acts, So the stacks are attended to bleed me dry of all connection, But i have a question, whos ****ing brilliant idea was it to rape me? Put me through a war while that b itch took everything? Everything that meant something to me, isnt that psychotically funny? Unless this is a test and then i guess i'd prolly get a big fat eff, Not humble, im not sorry, and not prepared to forgive anybody, I assure you this is bound, this is a pig fight on holy ground, You can tell by the sounds of the crown when you walk around, Lost but not found, i dont have to have to ever surrender, This is the ender, i did so much bending call me the bender, I am bending the material, Now dont go away, I am bending the material, I am not finished yet.
  13. Lately i think of what to try, But maybe i just wanna die, My mind reflects from control, From what i dont want to know, Lifted from the burden of my sin, Maybe i'll pray and jump right in, Hyper vigilance, systematic relevance, Hyper drive, to paranoid adolescents, Wake up in time for the a****** parade, Is this what the world really made? I have answers, you have questions, Simple lies, drowning moral sessions, Animal institutions, opiate distributions, Noose revolution, in full fruition, There is no escape, hanging from the wall, We all saw, that black beast tear us apart, What i have been waiting, on television stations, Is for them to say that we dont have to die alone anymore, Sometimes i'll wonder why, Just why cant i fly? What happens to those, Who are not chosen? Lift me from my sin, If this is decided my end, We desire higher stations, a final destination, Burn the grass, and sacrafice the lamb, If they think we are defeated, Lets give them something to believe in, This violence will cause violence to spread, The worst part of the dead, the things they never said, The ****ing things they never said, They never said, they never said, That i wouldnt have to die alone more,
  14. Man, really wish i had some direction when i write. Whenever i reread something i wrote, just feels like chaos and nonsense. What perplexes me, is that i have been stable for almost two years, maybe could be considered happy at times. But can pull the darkness from my brain, seemingly natural. Someone told me because it is how i really feel. Doesnt seem so to me, maybe the truth is mixed in there somewhere, maybe i just played too much grand theft auto. I agree with sugar samadhi, pretty cool last post. I love space. And was written with flow, and DIRECTION.
  15. Hey do you remember injured skin? Tearing me from the harlequinn, Razor blade grin rooting with my sin, What now? Take a trip to my psych ward, If you heard that im a nice sheep herd, Read my thread where hurt is the word, No mercy for me? Tough times for a sissy, Dont amaze me, im a psychotic in psychology, Let my meds flee and see my fantasy in reality, Shot at three times in twenty sixteen, This hate scene means everything to me, Try my scheme and it will **** you up forever, One two three, slit down, Three three three, shoot up, Welcome to the spiral, Your thoughts arent worth as much as mine, This time my crime might keep me on a high note, This is a stretch but do you want to be my lunch? I am that animal analyst conversion, Revenge in the deservance of diversion, Hurt son blur guns and an a eruption, I count on the counterfeits, Now that the world's soul is asleep, I hope nobody prays for peace, Six one six, system frown, Eight one three, drug felony, Welcome to the extras, I feel like i shouldnt laugh in my blood dress, Oh yes, successful guess is successful, Lest we forget the pervert that we came from, Who does this world think they are fronting on? Im not God, i am just another one, another one gone, But from now on i am playing that offensive football, What at all, can you call that thing your redeemer, Twenty two thousand pounds of explosives, If the world stops being stupid, i will too,
  16. Was just curious if you lived in a city with a bus system. Ive been on it for about year. Sometimes it takes 2 or 3 hours to get where im going, sometimes there r crazy people, and it gets pretty full. But it takes away all the stress of driving. I go to many places with it. Mainly work, but have had some fun. I live in tampa bay, pretty grateful, easy to have fun here. Maybe one of my biggest problems, in life overall, is that ive prolly had too much fun, and not enough time on the real thing.
  17. The kid holding a life taker, Discharging his projectiles, Without a docor around, For over two hundred miles, They are squished between evil, In front of our eyes, Now the chemical attacks, Arent even a surprise, What would you do? With five hundred thousand dead? We could either help them, Or just look away instead.
  18. Hehe, last three posts mention wind and are visualistic. Nices ones sugar and arnold.
  19. Welcome to the forum dat. To me, pain is unique like a finger print. An infinit amount of variables from one life to the next. I once had a friend who died from cancer. He didnt treat it. He was so damn cool and happy til the end. I used to think about him being so happy and close to death, i felt guilty for my depression. I later found it is just impossible to compare a life. So try not to judge yourself. Also, you arent alone here. This place serves me well.
  20. I took a dbt class. Was great. I took it during my first rehab. Was the first time i realized how bad my thinking was. I learned to analyze my thoughts. Was able to notice my automatic judgements. A big part of mindfulness is acceptance. Actually the opposite of ignoring or distracting. The ability to sit with your emotions without judgement. I have never known too much fear, have always been wreckless and wild, anxiety is just something ive never had. But i bet it makes mindfulness tougher. As i mntioned, i find it tough sometimes. In the end maybe a better alternative, i guess this past year of recovery has worn me down. Annoying is similar to what i feel about it.
  21. I can not express how hard i have been fighting for the past two years. Before that i was at rock bottom for the zillionth time, and it was the fourth time i had lost everything. Many problems. Many problems i still deal with. A big tool i have used for the past couple of years is mindfulness. To me, it is actually pretty tough. A few parts to it. I am good at though. But i have been struggling with it lately. One thing i do a lot, is bring myself back to the present moment, if i am dwelling on the past or fantasizing about the future. I do this for what seems like a hundred times a day. I feel like i have to expend so much mental energy on mindfulness. At the end of my long ass day, i just feel completely drained. I love what mindfulness brings to my life, but i am tired. And have been tired for some months. I have been diagnosed with ptsd, and have had symptons of hyper vigilance with it. And though i have had a handle on it for a while, my mental routine reminds me of being hyper vigilant. Like i have to be on my toes every second of the day. That i can not be relaxed. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist, i asked if she ever heard anyone say that about mindfulness and she had. Not sure how many people on here use mindfulness. Thought id make a topic about it.
  22. The low flying clouds, Moving swiftly with the wind, Reflecting off the water, Dancing for my eyes to send, Through the chaos, The pressure it provides, Nothing but freedom, Another moment that dies.
  23. Hi abc. To me it comes down to one question. How much does your sadness affect you. Maybe another is do you have routines to avoid the problems. In my case, was easy to know that i had a serious problem and it started at a young age. And maybe its not laziness, maybe you just dont care. I graduated but idk how, i was a terrible student. And my motto was that i didnt care. Guess what im saying is, all that i dont care i was doing was just a response i crreated to battle my depression. Welcome to the forum.
  24. Cool. I have been fantasizing getting a job with the va called a peer support specialist. Sounds similar. Now that i survived, i feel compelled to help.
  25. There is a creativity thread on here. Always wanted to see more paintings/drawings in there. It is strange. This past year has been a year of recovery. I have been happy and successful at my job. But if you read my poems, you prolly would not think it. Somehow i am able to pull the darkness from my brain quite easy. Never really puts me in a bad mood doing it. Something i am still trying to figure out. I have known quite a few artful people that could only really do what they did unless they were high. A similar problem. I guess if i had any advice, do not be scared of the pain. Expressing ourselves might be the biggest weapon for some of us. When i write, i feel like i am channeling all thats wrong in the world. Like a term, a song, calm like a bomb.
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