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glfinding

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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. I ride the bus a lot. Dont have a car. Has been about a year doing it daily. Sometimes takes a while, but not bad. I go to concerts, the beach, and a theme park pretty regular. I live in a big city, not sure where u are. But endless stuff to do. Hookah bars, libraries, religious communities, strip clubs. Tattoo places are everywhere. I also dont have many friends. I do a lot on my own. Seems to be better, but everyone is different. I mean, **** goin out with people. Do whatever i want, dont need anyone to have a good experience. October big concert month for me. Lords of acid and combichrist, dope and head planet earth, suicide commando. I also love cowboy bebop ;). I have a bad ass cowboy bebop hat. Also, whenever i can get it, nature is pretty nice to enjoy by yourself.
  2. Disclaimer. I do not condone eating human flesh. Is Eating People REALLY That Bad? Torn between the light of the pyre, Breathing smoke, touching fire, Burning inside my rotten coffin, Digging deep, past the long forgotten, Now the brutal stings, With my nothingness, Fist to fist, breathing, Ghost is what we make, Sacraficed to my strangled home, Planet of apes, but monkey is all alone, If there is an audience, clap to death, Escape for once, grant eternal rest, I hate my eyes, Nightmare believe me, It's such a happy plan, My justified punishment, Now how can I belong? Feel my taste, This is forever war, my perfect face, I ride on vultures, you can see my eyes, Cawing for the scavenger to recognize, You can feel it, But not control it, Feast on one another, Insects devouring insects, This is for funny people, Except that I do not laugh, Just pick the meat from my teeth, I pick and pick and pick, And I'm not forgetting you. All bad things must come to an end, Suicidal thoughts, my galactic friend, Every rotation of this magnetic place, The death toll rises for the master race, Touch the gun, Tools for kings, Beside me alive, Buried in Hell, So tell me, do you plan to play me now? This isn't just my blood, I wonder how, A violent box, an attempted cue, One third of the fallen angels, after you, A long time problem, Faithful customer, Just a dollar more, So close to consuming, Maybe it won't be long, give me a break, Give me a break, of your yummy steak, Chomp chomp chew, the gush of the fat, You think you are safe? In this habitat? All hail the tasty treat, Meat meat meat, From the head, To the feet, This for funny people, Except I do not laugh, Just pick the meat from my teeth, I pick and pick and pick, And I'm not forgetting you.
  3. I wasnt into linkin park. During the time of thier rise, i was into harder music. Later in life i revisited thier albums. They did tour a lot. Regardless of any opinion anyone has, for them to work so hard to put out what they wanted to show the world, is monumental. I have heard he was close to chris, the guy from sound garden. Wonder if it impacted him. Also, drugs are everywhere in the music industry. I can say for certain, that while in active addiction, not a whole lot matters, not really anyways. Not sure if drugs actually had anything to do with it. To be honest, thier suicides dont mean more to me just because they made music and were famous/rich. In fact, disgruntles me more because it gives all the idiots in the world the chance to chime in with idiotic opinions. A therapist once told me the leading cause of suicide is disconnection to the world. Physically and emotionally. Which i def can understand. I am sure most people that commit suicide have no relationship to anything. And what is the answer? A pill? A suicide hotline? Im afraid that the answer is much harder and tougher than that. And some dont make it. One reason this place is so important.
  4. Nah, dont think your alone trying to find purpose. Probably so unique to each person, especially to depressed people. We seem to think deeply into this. For me, after living a couple decades in the darkness, with violence and manipulation, a life of poison, i too pondered the question of purpose and reason when i started to recover. Still do. I have found the best answers for me, are all the things that are right before me, that i took for granted. You will see me staring off into lakes, the ocean, the sky. Being mindful, trying to look at it for the first time, it is beautiful to me almost every time. Sometimes i smile at it. Even at my worst, i was still a good dad. But i value my time more now with my son. We go places, i watch him open a lot of pokemon cards, he seems to be happy, that motivates me more than anything to go to crummy work. I still get over whelmed. And there are days i struggle to get out of bed. I have been saying lately, its a miracle im even here, able to do what i do. I have been at aquarium this week, then stadium next week, then convention after that. Just a lot of stress. Jd i worked for a dry cleaning warehouse for a few weeks. I live in florida, so it was like an inferno in there. They had fans, but it was like a hair dryer blowing on you.
  5. I agree with glow that it could always be worse. Honestly after all the carpet/tile i did, almost seems like i got ptsd from it lol. The filth from it. The staggering brutal force of lifting big rolls of thick carpet. Lot of time in vans. At the peak of my career we had two box vans. Did 600-800 yards of carpet a day. From before sun up, to about 9 pmon most days. 6 day weeks. Workers getting 70-80 hours a week. Was truly hell. Made some good money, but what a nightmare those years were. I used to tell people id rather be back in iraq where they are tryin to blow me up. Yea, could always be worse.
  6. I envy painters. My last gf was a painter. Wished more posts were drawings/paintings. I think in the original thread there was quite a few. It really is beautiful arnold.
  7. She is obssessed with acupuncture. So that is the answer i got from her.
  8. Yea cbt is great. I took a clinic a few years ago. First time in my life i realized i didnt have to go with my usual routine. The idea that i could battle the automatic thoughts was ideal to me. You mentioned being in sales, tough but rewarding. I guess in the end for me, hustling people made me feel bad. It also felt emotionally draining. You just have to put on such a good show. Amd i appreciate the kind words. I hope im a good person. Ive always had a good work ethic, and have accomplished a good deal. Depression is so daunting though. It seems to affect every facet in my life. Probably the worst it affects is relationships i have with people. Makes work very difficult. Its a miracle that i am here though. So i shouldnt complain too much. This damn aquarium has me stressed. Luckily this week im at the stadium. The best job i ever had was shooting artillery in the army. Boy was that fun.
  9. Here is my natural remedy. Redbull, cigarettes, and online shopping ;p. But if youd like i could ask an old gf. She is getting a degree for eastern medicine. Didnt know you could. I find her to be quite strange. Comin from me you could prolly take that to the bank. But she is real big into natural remedies. In fact, would give me a lil play to ask so i will. Just gonna relay. Im not quite sure i believe in all that. But then again i dont believe in a lot, and im a lil crazy, kinda stupid too.
  10. I suppose you are right. As i said i am a chef now. After football season i went over to convention center, then they asked me to go aquarium. Its been about two months. People call out everyday, late everyday, leave early everyday. The head chef there was fired. So a lot of people stopped caring. The grunt of the work falls on me. I feel like i should be in more of a support role instead of leading the way. Has been stressful. I am able to enjoy parts of life. I am probably the most stable ive ever been. Maybe even happy sometimes. But people still amaze me, especially at work. I often ask myself how the hell i am the most stable and reliable person. If they only knew what was going through my head all day long.
  11. Hi salad. Welcome to the forum. I cant sleep and just scrolling around. Life sure is tough. I used to hate that it was so hard on me. Feeling like it was punishment. Self hate isnt rare. I think most people hate themselves. Probably why everyone acts so terriblw to each other. School can be fun, but i hated it. I hated just about everything about it. Great part about it though, once your past it, you dont have to care about it anymore. Nobody cares where you went to high school. Hardly anyone actually stay friends. And 99% of dating relationships dont last. Those people that bully you, do not know happiness. Only foolishness. I can not count how many bad nights i have had. But i am so glad that i made it past school, that the times when i wanted to commit suicide that i didnt. Life has been hard, but atleast today i can live with a lil honor and meaning. And without those messed up times, i would not be as strong. Ability to adapt. Ability to change thought process. Bringing myself to the present. Sitting with awful feelings. Things nobody else has to do. But i must, because if i dont, my enemies win. Not saying that you should keep living just to spite people. But try to accept the fact that you cant tell the future, and hopefully at least some of it will be good. I do feel your pain though. School sucks.
  12. Great topic. Great posts. Here is my two cents. I installed carpet and tile for a decade. Army for three, maybe three years retail, five year sales, and last october i took a chef job at a football stadium. Some places i made a lot, and some not. I was always successful, everywhere i went people loved me. A top producer. For me, the main problem with work are people. People suck d**k. They prove to me everyday that we do not need to exist. If anyone finds a job where you do not enventually want to blow your brains out, pm me that.
  13. To be quite honest, im not too sure how i do it. Granted, i have had a lot of therapy, many nights in a psych ward, countless appointments with countless doctors. I am big on mindfulness, and use techniques to ground myself and bring myself back to the present. Have learned what acceptance is, and forgiveness. But, and a big but, i do find myself over whelmed a lot. A lot of times i wish i had something to make it a lil easier to cope. To me, the suffering will never stop. Not to say that happiness will not come. Have gone back and forth a lot in life. As far as meds go.
  14. Hi gandolf. You hit on something i have been struggling with. That draining feeling. Working on yourself takes incredible will power. So much mental tenacity, i often wonder if it is even worth it. When i come home and close the door, i always have this thought that i never wanna go back outthere. Physically and emotional beat down, everyday by the ugliness of the world. You mention drifting. I know that too. I spent five years using needles, one very long bad day. A nightmare inside a meaningless life, all the while not caring for anything, just drifting. Things are always better when u have something to focus on. I started getting better when i found a new job. I guess better as in, i am not a complete maniac, but still struggle with bad thoughts. We have talked before :). Will read through more later.
  15. Hi there afraid. I have a pretty long list of meds ive tried. All the common ad's, a lot of anti psychotics and mood stabalizers. Many diff combos. Maybe three years ago, i found lithium. That coupled with a quentaipin turned out to be my best match. I have been off meds for about 7 months. Just wanted to say, it took me a decade to find it. Though, i had other problems too, and didnt place my well being first. And it was not too hard coming off the lithium, but i do miss it sometimes. Im not sure what drug family it is in, i think they use it for mood stabality. Took some time to get in my system, and find right dose that didnt make me sick. Did not affect me sexually. My vote? Always lithium.
  16. I agree with cold :) Except he must be calling all of u brilliant, i have a long string of bad decisions proving im not :p But def another strong page. My last was written about us. So many problems and bad times in my life, but i consider this to be special, my little place to be free, and it is humbling to think how others create and express. Means a great deal to me.
  17. Incoming transition, Someone light the way, The night sky dies, Tomorrow's fate today, I dont care what they think or said, Because we're feeling dead anyways, Look at the magic, You can tell by the writing on the wall, On the page, on the forum, A sea of deep thinkers most of all, Inspired by the pain of the torment, Maybe we're just slaves, To the absolute of atonement, Celebration of the suffocation, Destination el flammation, But do not dare us to feel any worse, This flow of an aguish of a curse, Like a blade to the skin, I bleed it all from the end of my pen, And once again I'm not really sure, Exactly where i am at, Why do I have to write this way, ** **** * ***** **** *, Oh my god what did I say? A bunch of savages in this town, Walking around with a frown, They take my peacefulness, Uhhh they burn it to the ground, So here is my upper selection, With my fellowship of depression, At least we are not at all like them, Faking an entire life for an idle system, Laughing at what isn't even funny, Fulfilling thier daily quota as philosophy, Feeling all the terrible and bad, Is better than a sheep when it's glad, Incoming message, Someone open up the insides, The collection grows, And the data base unwinds, I don't care what they think or said, Because we're feeling dead anyways, Master mac ten alphabet attack, Heart panic every second on the planet, Action is distraction for the innocent, Condemned to a life that I have spent, Counting counterfeits on every minute, They call us cowards, losers, and sick, Push us around and poke us with sticks, Show them what we're made of, The price that must be paid up, When the push begets a shove, This simple truth is undeniable, We are ripping through the reliable, An evolution in our institution, Brutal as the path ways go, We know we have many more miles, Racing to the final edge all of the while, Stepping into a realm not felt by many, But maybe it's only for our testimony, Into the complication of the conflict, A suicidal ideation they offer to inflict, This time I've hit the big daddy pay dirt, Taunting death while it gives me a flirt, The stronger I get, The stranger I get, So how could I forget enemies on this bit? This has been older than Odin's sun, I will eat the galaxy and it will be fun, Yes, I have a son, (How the **** do you plan to deal with both of us), Looks like this story has just begun, Warriors on the front lines of the youth, Fighting til' the last breath for the truth, Incoming ending, Someone call the pyramid, We need another miracle, I'm just not that interested, I dont care what they think or said, Because we're feeling dead anyways.
  18. Hi there ad. Welcome to the forum. Thx for sharing. I remember when i joined the army, was the first time i heard of miscarriages happening a lot. I was just unaware how common they were. I dont hold onto much hope. But there is something very powerful about life and death that most of us will try to understand until we too die. Very tragic. I would call it traumatic too, i bet u would too. Please allow yourself as much time to mourn as you need. Try not to judge yourself for feeling bad. Feeling bad, is proof of what a good person you are. My heart goes out to you, it is a pain and loss that i would never be able to know.
  19. Hi again saphire. I too have been feeling over whelmed. I took a chef job at a football stadium last october. Since then have been working crazy hours. I thought it would slow down but never did. Lots of responsibility. A lot of focus. Dealing with endless idiots. Today i am actually late. I also suffer with sleep problems. I had a handle on them for a while, but they have come back. Nightmares, 4 hours if im lucky, on a 60 hour work week. And i know that lonely feeling. But honestly, i would have rather been single for a decade, instead of giving my love to three useless girls. I lost alot to relationships that did not work. I like cuddling too, but i hate trusting back stabbers even more.
  20. Hi zos welcome to the forum. I think we all need time mourn. Whenever we go through something bad, and we carry the entire guilt, there must be time to cope and examine ourselves. The losses in life are countless. There is a Budhist saying, everything is temporary on this earth. Its normal to have regret. For most of us here on this forum, i imagine, it is normal to have self image issues. You are not alone in your pain. Try to stay in the present moment. When you fantasize about the future, or dwell on the past, acknowledge it, literally tell yourself what you are thinking about, and do ur best to commit to something. Even getting out of bed or taking a shower are steps to becoming better, try not to judge yourself.
  21. Maybe I don't know, Maybe Heaven though, Knows why they suffer, On every single hemisphere, It's the season of the fear, Our are leaders of the smear, Buckle up little snow flakes, For a world war's sake, We take our enemies, Burn them at the stakes, Nobody want's to love them, Nobody want's to love us, This ******* spinning rock, Of a never ending violent shock, With the people dying it will never stop, Did Jesus have a car? Did Moses send an E-Mail? Did you know, you can fertilize your lawn with used motor oil? Take my last puff of a cigarette then burn it all from the soil, Is there anybody out there? Does anyone know how to, Get the Hell out of this place? Give me a needle, Let me shoot into outer space, And forget the human race, This world could be beautiful, But the cruel is institutional, I stopped trying to figure out, This world's tick a long time ago, So here we are again, Another page is written, And I begin my tactician, My hand print in the sand, You could just try to understand, Put yourself in my position mister man, Did everyone celebrate their birthday? Did everyone already get buried? Did you know, you can not make the drugs when it's raining? Those psychiatric nerds are now investigating, This sounds kind of bad, But it makes me really glad, When I have had this habitat, Make it sad with asphalt, How can it be my fault? If He is the end, What does that say about this double mag? If He is everything, Imagine how about all of the world's nothing feels, If He has a reason, Don't you think that we're probably too stupid? Now this is just number nine, Siren wife, lucky stone shine, Bite your fangs and then off with their head, Reincarnate this manifest that is said, To be rather unique, As far as experience goes, I have molested all of the prism, I see that your system, Has been failing so ******* hard, That I laugh at every single part, It's just hard thinking of you, From your very first start, Did your parents even have the heart, To tell you about this violent culture? This animal planet season, How does this place fail to believe in? It's like everyone is worshiping Satan for a reason, Did you forget about sin? Did you forget to pray for salvation? Did you know that this epic isn't going to last forever? Did you know that what you get to keep is even lesser?
  22. Wb. I def appreciate thr poetry. For sure, my poetry is an effective way to cope, and just feels good writing something awesome. I was in relationships for all my life. The past year n a half have enjoyed the single life. In my humble opinion, people will let you down in the end. An unlimited account of compromise. Also have found it difficult dealing with my depression while in relationships. I perform well in relationships. Easy for me to make people happy. But sometimes would rather be dead. Hard to expect anything good, when ur disgusted with the world. Maybe im still just a lil too dark. I guess my only advice would just move onto the next one. I ****in hate arguing with any form of lover. Welcome back again.
  23. It is Summer days, Some recall, The sky is velvet, So wonderful, Palm trees, Swinging to the freeway, Low flying clouds, Dancing off the bay, And the rain it taps, On my head, Peaceful silence, Nothing said, And now it goes, What was heard, An angels voice, In the caw of birds, On this path, A lonely life, But humble, For the strife.
  24. Wow, what a great page. I like that paladin one arnold. Nat has been posting good stuff for a while. I really like the one that starts deep down sam. Sairs love poem, and AA has also been posting good ones for a long time. Enjoy the reads guys.
  25. I was gonna make a thread about this. But will share it here. In 2010 i deployed to mosul, iraq. I was artillery, but while deployed i had an infantry mission. Mainly providing security for vips and construction projects. I lost alot. I guess being a soldier, your just programmed to take the nonsense. I was part of more ramp ceremonies than i care to remember. When i came back, 2 days later cpt cassidy died. He was probably the only one that seemed to actually care about me. Danger dave lost an arm. One soldier that served under me got busted for drugs. Another soldier that i served in my section, who i spent a lot of time looking out for, committed suicide a couple years ago. The last person i have seen that deployed with me, i saw in my first drug program. So sad. Sad that the bravest people i ever knew, didnt make it, or are suffering. Some days are tough, but every memorial day, i take time out to remember them. Not an easy day for me.
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