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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. Hi zuz. Welcome to the forum. I am a combat veteran. I suffered for a really long time with insomnia. And still do at times. There are solutions. Unfortunately, different things work differently for everyone. Dont use your bed for anything but sleep. Watch your caffiene intake. Melintonin is a good natural drug to take. But i would not suggest sleep meds as far as prescriptions. Meditation was a tool i used a lot. I also preach mindfulness a lot. Insomnia, like depression, is a very formidable foe. I understand the anger and emotional response from not getting sleep. Not getting enough sleep really affects your entire life, as im sure you know. Try to be patient. In time, my real serious problems of sleep seemed to deminish, on that front i consider myself lucky. If you would like more tips on how i conquered it you can always message me. Good luck.
  2. I too find comfort here. I assume most people i know in real life to never question thier purpose or happiness. Here we are free, searching for the meaning to our struggle. Im not sure i know anything more impprtant. I do believe we are the minority. My time here I hold to great value, and its nice to feel a connection. A real connection. Im just getting out of work. I am a chef. The place i get most of my hours is a party town. It becomes a club at night. I used to hate all the pretty people in the mix of the party scene. Lately i just feel bad for them. They will never know what we do. And ya mindfulness can get complicated. I struggle with, where does the existing self and thinking self begin and end. Maybe its because i over think everything.
  3. Interesting quotes. Sounds like something i would read. I like reading about mindfulness. Probably similar to awareness. Friend gave me a book on Taoism. I really dig that kind of stuff.
  4. Hi gandolf. A consistent thought ive had in recent years, is that my core beliefs are hard to overcome. I can realize when im thinking badly. I know how to make changes. I feel i have had to evolve to this pain. Ive been sober for a couple years now, and even though i overcame something great, i never was able to change how i felt about this world. I have a son and parents and a bro who i have great relations with now. I work a lot. By my actions, maybe i could be seen as a good person. But deep down, i really dont like a lot in this world. Certainly most of its people. For me, it feels like im stuck at this point of recovery. Happiness just hard to come by when i look at the world in dismay. I too wonder, if there is a decent end game here.
  5. I used to post here. To me, the smallest acomplishments turn into victories sometimes. Yes coffee counts. 1230 am and finally done working. Time to go home and do some raids on my ninja.
  6. Thx guys. I have a lot of mixed feelings about the whole thing. Was a tough only day off.
  7. Honestly its dificult to talk about. I did a lot of therapy to help reduce tensions from it. But i do my best to avoid it. So my emotions are bit slurry right now. Havent had a doctors appointment in over a year. Im not sure how i do it. Its a damn miracle to still be here, and to do what i do. I have 3 jobs, do a very good job, always focused and vigilant. The worst i get is when im over worked. But i def dont like talking about specific events from over there. Ptsd is still pretty unkown to most. But something i found out is that a lot of people get it outside the military. Very common in sexual trauma victims. Probably common in people that have been to prison. Car crashes. Atleast i am not alone. Another thing i found out, is that is very necessary to work through. My answer was drugs, and in the end i was a scrambled mess. Thx for always talkin to me nat. Would never dream of talking to people about this stuff in real life.
  8. Hi guys. Havent made a thread in a while. Today i have apointments to get my claim. I made it 5 years ago. 5 god damn years ago. So i didnt even know what the guy was talkin about when they called me about it. I have to take this really long test and interview after. The whole thing just feels like i have to prove i suffer from depression and ptsd. Just doesnt feel good. I have been admitted in the psych ward more times than i can remember. Many doctor and therapists appointments. I even went to an inpatient ptsd clinic a few years ago where i had to travel to another city for a couple months. I mean, all these people would have to do is look at my record. Once i had to pull all my records to fight a charge i caught, was like 3 boxes of documents. Filled to the brim with my disfunction. I do not blame the army for my mental state. But the fact is when i came back from iraq i was just never the same. I had always battled depression, but my perception of death was refined. I have been obssessed with death ever since. And especially for the first couple years i was out, i was overly hostile with everyone. Became addicted to opiates for five years just to not feel it. I dont think i should get special treatment, but i had no support getting out. Nobody told me how things were going to be. I feel like they rushed me out when my time was up. I guess i go back and forth of who is really to blame for my plight. But i mostly blame myself for not being strong enough. But now im in this office trying to get my claim. Sometimes i tell people how my deployment took everything from me. And that the only reason i survived was because i executed my missions perfect. That and i was lucky. But i hardly even like admitting i suffer from ptsd let alone fighting someone for a claim about it.
  9. I think i have always felt alone and misunderstood. Always found it strange to feel lonely in a world of millions of people. I guess i never saw things the way everyone else does. Like you said its hard to explain.
  10. Hi pepper. Ya theres a few threads about unemployment due to depression. Depression is just very cunning. It can affect life in dificult ways. I used to play music too, not professionally, but i often daydream of getting back into it. I played bass for some years was in a couple bands. I think a lot of people are bound to words spoken by thier parents. Seems like a power struggle of what they expect from you and how you can make them happy. Relationships can be tough in any facet. I am 32 living with my parents. I work a lot, but still struggle with problems with depression, anger, and ptsd. Some days we get along, others we dont. I guess my only suggestion would be to take baby steps. Small things like walking outside for a few minutes or taking a shower are victories. Try to make small goals each day. Enough of those small victories can lead to a big one. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Easy to look at the mistakes we make.
  11. Car crash angels and brittle brides, Living lives in reverse of ending rides, A tip tonight I offer in subjagation, Whats left in your hour glass, Count the sands in your little sea, I can already feel the dirt on my bones, Destined destination happy tragedy, A life is only but a mass of atoms, Red violens a psychotic symphony, Dreaming of all the bad things, We were dragged here to do, To be sincere to the most cowardice, Of nightmares formed by enemies, Just seconds passing my grasp, Half life of my soul equating, The density that the demons demostrating, The seconds passing my grasp, Forge it like it's my only weapon left, Destroy it for all of your world to see.
  12. Edited last one. Unsure of title yet. Listening to the sound of the pitch to demonstrate, How our pathological answers are ugly or beautiful, Contemplation of which one is which or are the same, Seems to clarify a correction from the complication of the conflict, Swinging pendulum orbiting my sacred pyramid, Easy for the moon to pull the tide far away from the sun, Showing you a light ancient in time that hasn't yet begun, A reflection of the fire we offer to guide our shady past, Turning into the inside of the urn from our ash that we mass, Becoming vagrant ghosts like the rest of the dead forgotten, Chemical makeup forensic case I think I missed a face, Lithium Heaven in between here and a Devil's place, In the spectrum of every thought don't you like it here? Am I beginning to make it all so very clear to the endear? That my reputation is not very clear by the absolutely daunted, Just spinning in circles on this rock in a state of violent shock, Magnetized to how I can't reach you in my apocalypse anyways, The decisions of your deeds onto my core that isn't there anymore, The feast of the maggot colony festive calamity spirit vitality, Just another generation succumbed to the mass arbitration, Forming lines of more delusions something inside of me haunts me, But the blood can turn a smile living your cookie cutter philosophy, And all of the world will be bound to the temper ground we made, To the pain that created population we found this proclamation, The force to get out of here is becoming stronger every passing moment.
  13. The thing I struggle with the most is my pretty crazy past. I've learned a lot about acceptance, and steps to take to mourn from the things that trouble me. But I can't let go just how bad I have been most of my life. I wonder if I'm even a good person most of my days, even though I do good. And every now and then I do get bit in my butt from the past, running into old enemies, old friends who were really enemies.
  14. Listening to the sound of the pitch, Blind answers are ugly or beautiful, Contemplation of which one is which, Seems to clarify a correction from, The complication of the conflict, Easy for the moon to pull the tide, Showing you a light ancient in time, A reflection of fire we offer to guide, Putting the past in the urn of the ash, While we all are vagrantly forgotten, Chemical makeup forensic case, Lithium Heaven and a familar face, In the spectrum of every thought, Can you feel what I am making clear? That my reputation is unclear to me, Just spinning in circles on this rock, Magnetized to how I can't reach you, The decisions of your deeds onto, My core that isn't there anymore, The feast of the maggot colony, Another line of more delusions, Something inside of me haunts me, But the blood can turn a smile, And all of the world will be bound, To the pain that created population.
  15. Yea. The pressure of an entire ocean. Overwhelming.
  16. Congrats nat. Ive done open mic at a jazz club a couple times. Was interesting. Thanks sugar. Arnold that last post pretty awesome i dig it.
  17. Devastion revalation, Apple eater apocalapse, My dear cold dead world, Growing into the last of ash, You are very welcome indeed, Even the sun has betrayed, Our dreams of better days, Paint the fire for our Xion, A place that we can not lose, Running home just to cry on, Counting on this constilation, My explanation is implication, That the beginning was the end, That this Divine plan was just, Biding time for ultimate isolation, Rejoice the river of bones, The lamant that loiter luxury, A black sky, no Angels tonight, And it has been my most delight, To offer insight of our final plight, Everyone lives today, but just dead, Everyone talks, but all been said, Do you worship the void? That endless blackness, Dark inside the dark inside the dark.
  18. Yes, Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone. I would just say that, being physically alone is probably the hardest psychological struggle. I guess the way I see it sometimes when I'm alone, is that I'm not alone in my pain. The one thing you can count on, is someone else is feeling it out there with you. But has been an ok year for me. My job sucks. I hate most people. I question life a lot. But I got my kid a lot of gifts. Worked hard for it, dealt with a lot of nonsense for it. I just think children, are the only ones that get to feel real happiness. My kid is happy, so I feel accomplished. But deep down, I have a very negative out look on life. Guess that's about as much holiday spirit you're gonna get from me.
  19. Hi Xiny, I would just say you aren't alone at least. I see quite a number of posts about struggling at universities. It's tough, I guess I would define life as tough. I never went to college, barely graduated hs. School just was never my thing, I was also a pretty bad kid. But the medications are real tricky. Some take a long time to have the right effect. Some don't effect you the way you need it to. I was prescribed lithium for a few years, was hard to find the right dose for it. I never had much luck with anti depressants. Also another common thread I see. Not dissing it, but they hardly did anything for me. I was also quite a mess, so maybe I just needed stronger pills in that sense. Depression is a formidable foe. If it gets bad enough, it will disrupt a lot of your life. I think I have lost and gained interests a lot over the years, and my diet has always been back and forth, from depression. It's been about 8 years of sleep problems. They went away for a while, but have resurfaced. Anyways hope this helps. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I know it's easier said than done. But I tip my hat off to anyone trying to get a degree.
  20. Let me understand the prolific, Think about it, what do you think that I could consider precious? So suspicious, how do you think that I might get away with this? Suicidal thoughts again, take a picture for the book on your face, The cycle of life, the cycle of all of my lies, reap what I sow again, How could you think to ever be better? Maybe I was always asking why, And just for one more time look at my page and decide my place to die, Still talking but my neck is just lost in the sauce, loose in the noose, How can I relate to your question, We have another episode, then nobody will be there to throw us away, So let us pray, I always knew I was never humbled for Heaven anyways, Or so they say, always hated and I don't know what you think it was, Push come to shove, storm solar systems, what dreams are made of, Psychopathic path for this demon and it's self destructive anonymity, Fruits of my humility but you don't know who I am, destiny in my effigy, Singing in my face again, the bullet leaves my hand, will I make it this time? So calm you can not fear it, The lines in my foundation, Inspired to decline your offer, Upon my super evil fascination, The planet growled and then, I howled into it's midnight blue, The war drums cried all night long, I did it all for you and your truth, Looking into myself I attend, It doesn't mean much to rot when everyone else suffers the cost to not, People could probably show you where everything went epidemically wrong, All you should ever need is my song from the scholar's pillar that I'm on, Spiked and rectified a slave to their bitter minds, Jesus Christ what a sign, Killed the only hope of our paradigm but at least we all get to die in kind, Abandoned your quest and now I hope your spirit is not part of my design, Warm sun shine, pretty rainbows, happy parallel universes I leave it all behind, The only escape is through, Just not the way I am especially loyal to, putting my desire aside forgetting it, Then dredging it, the land of the swamp has always been a non benefit , Outside my mind, I could see how this looks like I am just another plan, Another man bent to Hell, hello to the medication that you wish I was on, But how could I ever create this? How could I ever get a way to dismiss? Think about it, what do you think that I could consider precious? So suspicious, how do you think that I might get away with this? Penalty perfect, I'm a mess, I feel like I have to walk away, Walk away from here, Today in this dreary phase, Moments like this, I throw it to the wolves, Let it speak blood, And then forget everything.
  21. Feeling like a lamb lost inside a Holy Spring, Slit us for a blessing, fear not of what we bring, Do your prayers gleam up, or descend into the down, Is it silence in the night, the death of our sound, Because all you must do is look around, to see, This world is in my grasp, ash to ash coffin disaster, This world has rotated me enough to wage tides, The good, the bad, all the sides of existing guides, I use the words that are sharpened best with my teeth, And soon you will see what this world has made me, Sing my effigy, my friend, this is the only love I know, So show me your belief as I spread my wings, sing my effigy, As you do, dread of our burning judgement convicts, And the life I led, the words I spoke, the blood I spilt, Begets me of a suspect that was never good enough, I praise you my friend, sing with me, this beautiful day, My effigy, my friend, take me away to the pyramid, Sing to the obliterated, the God, all the ones you've lost, The final fatality, crown of dirt death for everybody, Sing, sing my effigy, because my friend, this is not the end.
  22. Dear FCC, Do you see my poem? I made it just for you, Dear FCC, I disagree with your proclomation of controling me, Even if you stop me here you can never tame my spirit, I am the vagrant trash, an animal showing it's teeth, I am the pit of existence, the star of the fire reef, The words I share are no different from the ones you've lost, Children of hostility, we will wage this war with a cost of nothing, Maybe you can get on the page on the forum and we can dance, If I gotta pay for it, pay for it with the thing inside my pants, Yea, welcome to the dirt, keep dreaming that you can hurt, But I always knew this place was just too beautiful to be true, Government red list, operator absence, psychotic bee hive, Mark my words mister man, this is my damn sand, my grand land, And if you would just check the comment box, I will show you, There is nothing you can do to shake our will or our undeniability.
  23. Vision for the horizon and we are appreciated, Creation contemplating if it has been created, Flesh crawling trying to exchange the facts, For another season built in this mirror of attacks, While the Angel can fly I am claimed to a shell, And my poisoned veins send me back to hell, Smell the roses, breath the sea of it's oxygen, But what is even left when we're dead and gone? Omnipotent has the infinite binding history, So how can I leave God, where He left me? As a rose falls apart against the grains of sand, It's beauty holds the key I attempt to understand, Staring into the sun's combustion collection, Blinded by the shine without hopes of reflection, Keep me here and welcome my ghost of war, Tauros stars but can you tell me what it's for? Nobody will ever believe that you're actually good, Nothing here to release you when you know they should,
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