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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. Easy to say keep going. But I do like easy stuff, so keep going. I have done much in my life. Lot of it happened because i pushed it to happen. Looking back on it, my failures for as hard as they were, turned out to be my greatest weapons. I tell people in real life, that i survived iraq because i was perfect. But the obvious truth is that i had nothin to do with how i got out of there. When it comes to artistic expression, i write poems. I have some friends that play gigs. I know painters. Hard for me to explain my inspiration. Its almost like i use the pain. Like a damn sith lord. When I write, it offers me a moment to say what i really want. I wish you luck. Easier said then done, but I hope you keep the dream alive.
  2. Thx bud. Im stuck cant make anything good. Need a good one for my birthday.
  3. So I walked away from a good job. Was a lil more stressful than I could handle. Was there a few months. Was my first day back at one of my other jobs. Just in that alone has me on edge. Started recieving money each month for a medical claim. Bought a car straight cash. Put in a crazy sound system. New clothes. Can basically do whatever i want. From the outside lookin, probably looks pretty sweet. But the conflict is just so intense inside me. The pain that wavers in tensity, but never really leaves. My questions about this life, that i obsess about. Writing poems of death. My success through hard work, my isolation through social structure. I dont think i will ever be happy.
  4. This heretic examination offers several occurring witnesses, Much like how Bethlehem burns today, I am not satisfied, Dreary, I know, but I will plead to you my plausible deniability, See, I am a nightmare, I confess my most important object, That what I put into words becomes boredom to the world, So the poison I reap only affects my introversion, isolate, And maybe by the time I reach the psych ward again, They will have my juice box ready, with a handful of antipsychotics, Good night poem, good night screams in the night, Who knows, maybe tomorrow will turn out alright.
  5. I try to keep in mind, this thought about my memories, that in an instant everything that i think i have can be gone. At my worst, i had to lose everything. No possessions, no connections. Just myself. From there, i was finally able to work on myself. Funny thing about rock bottom, each time u hit it you think it cant get any worse, then it does. Break ups are never fun. I still deal with lost relationships, but time seems to heal those scars, doesnt hurt the way it used to. Try to find those small victories. Those good games youll eventually get, a smooth rift on your guitar. I dont think our entire purpose here is to work, try not to stress the bills, to me its just paper. Money will only have the value you give it. Just keep truckin. Life is full of empty promises, its up to us to make it work. Focus on your victories, build from there. **** this worlds expectation.
  6. Assisting me in my contentment, my system religion, On all of it's sides contorts the suggestion, investment, Of a dying worm that will become breakfast, squirmy surgeon, It's the burden of the selfish pyramid, interested friend, For another chance to relax, all the bad things to happen, My appetite for romance is like landing on a hand grenade, My penance made from a life that I never seemed to agree on, A miracle of death, a promise of misery, persuade divination, I applaud the plight, this powerful conflict, desperately. I will probably always wonder, will I be aloud in His kingdom.
  7. Wow i really love that. I really do enjoy painters. I wish i could paint.
  8. I must say, i love that feeling of being in a groove velvet. I notice my forced writing sucks.
  9. Empathetic atmosphere nuclear nomination, Another year gone by tell me what have I been writing? Delighting my Christopher Columbus suffocation cloud, Loud child, wild miles, think piles, of flies in sacked biles, I'm in the room again, resonating my writing requirements, Benefits to my ghosts, charging you to read another line, Reading into the digestion, like the worms inside your intestines, Another atom dead, another syllable, I am not unwinding, Just grinding out another tight transformation, Television station destined static channel manipulation, I can already hear my ghoulish voice disappear, in the years, And yet, here I am with you still, even after the fall of me.
  10. Nice abandoned, my old friend :) Hah i really like that first one.
  11. I am the relavant of this time, For my presence is a disaster, The calling that tears, tears, My knuckles down, I am sin, Begin to notice my benevolent, The conviction of bitter ends, I am here, with you, in the time, That I rhyme, a mind of kind of, Merciless, terrific negatory I claim, Just this one part, that's not ****ed up, Stuck in my misery, deny my citizen, Thoughts of my animal, fixes my, my, Memories of looking around, reliant, Voice of nothing, inside of eachother, Claiming that all of which despairs, My doubt showing me all around, And I know that they stare, I care, My affairs of this place draws near, Disappear until ash leaves the dust, Our choir of Angels, do I disappoint, A moments notice face execution, a point, That we find a way into silence falling, Into eachother, another force, of the many, Pretty, but I just want to know why, Why we die alone, disgust upon life, Strife of animals, cynical depression, Loneliness that many I know, know, City of the God, just existing despair, My God calamity, pysychotic symphony, A dream I have been suspicious, distrust, I begin to wonder, have I already committed, My design, to hurt myself forever judged, A grudge that I pledge my way into, Into the ground of the fellow dirt, I leave you, into the dismay to discover, Another one decides the fate of us, Do you love the hatred? Demonstrated, My sadness connected to the living, Another situation I have to cut for, Adore, my ignorance I hold with in, Inside I die every single day I live, And now the moment passes my, My grasp to hold anything true, It is our obedience that is illusion, You with me, in this lonely glory, Hoping for the higher, power feels.
  12. Life is full of conflict. I also wonder, is death really the onlt answer. Probably not, but the answer is easily misrepresented.
  13. If it makes you feel any better, all my heroes are dead too. I was also sad about him. Then Chris from soundgarden. Heath ledger, wayne static, robin williams, sid vicious. Ya, they will be missed for sure in my own psyche.
  14. idk, been a while since i posted on my other forum, can't get anything good going. been working my ass off. spending time with kid. i feel overwhelmed. tired. i swear to god, all i ever wanted was a little peace.
  15. I think at my worst id go about week. Looking back at those times reminds me it could always be worse.completely void of anything good. Certainly not enough to shower for.
  16. The lack of connectivity is the leading cause of suicide. The human psyche simply can not handle being alone. A paradox for people like me. That feeling of being alone in a world of billions. Yes loneliness might be the hardest thing to overcome. I find comfort in my pain. In the fact that i hurt at the same moment as others. It is revalation to me. That we all spin on this rock trying to find our purpose. I for one, do not want someone to feed me soup when i have the flu. I feel that my pain is too important to let someone else comfort it. But trust me, i know that feeling. The need for another to love me.
  17. Nowadays, after a couple decades of being relationships, and hanging out daily, i enjoy my time alone. Afterall, it is my existence. I hardly feel i need anyone to enjoy it. But then again, we do need eachother in many ways. I would say, keep pushing the self improvement and recovery. I too am very busy. What little time i have for liesure is used carefully. I try not to waste it.
  18. Just getting off work. A lil passed midnight. Still upset i got ripped off by lyft last night. A normally $16 ride cost me 50. I work so hard, do a really a good job. Try to help my fellow human as much as i can. And do my best to be a good person. But when i step outside my door, i get the feeling the rest of the world is not trying to be very nice. The world seems hell bent on trying to destroy me. ****in people i tell you.
  19. Holy hell man. So much of wbat you say resonates. Just in that first post. I think the ending, where you say that you share this because you need to, but knowing you will have to be the one to do it, is pretty wise. I also have a life people would assume me to be happy. Because i am a good worker, good to my son and family. Because i am good at talking to people. I am actually pretty sociable, i do not have anxiety. But i am left feeling cold most days. I think i am alone because its what i want. I was able to overcome a lot, but as you said, managing the pain is dificult. And as you also mentioned, death coming for us, every second closer. Probably a lot could be learned in deep thought at a cemetery. Atleast this part is simple to me, i do not want the cookie cutter answer, because i have been spending my time on the more intsense side of asking. We all die. A small amount of time after we die nobody here will ever know we were here. Just like we do not know the countless dead before us. To be honest my life feels like a war. A never ending quest to understand this place.
  20. Oh man. Can feel the tension there. Arguing in public. I myself was a terrible kid. I dont have any adult charges, but i had a pretty good list goin as juvenile. I cant count the times i let my dad down. Hes been a great father. Doesnt do anything wrong. Lives a good life. And he got a bat crazy son. I suppose i got better over the years. Has been good for a couple years. But we have def had our share of father and son struggles. I think there is some kind of unseen pressure from a father son relationship.
  21. Inside our moments of hysteric particles, Granting my raid scar conguer all the animals, What is Ifirit if he is made by the inferior, Time to fear another generation of nothin, A world that aims to multiply attack and divide, Always wondering why the thoughts of suicide, I wonder how many more people will die in time, Dying every passing second probably dying now, But my words still keep creeping underneath, Nobody reading me ever gets to see the line I'm on, We're all just gone waiting for fat lady's pretty song, And it is just seconds passing my grasp of victory, My lovely poem on the internet becoming history, My dissatisfaction might take me forever anyways.
  22. What wonderful posts. Hello HA :) So sad to hear the guy didnt make it. I think someone mentioned to me his condition was pretty bad. Death is for sure strange to me. I prayed for death most of my younger life. Now I seem to fear it. Most of my poems lately seem to be about dying. May he rest in peace.
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