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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. It's hard for my psyche to accept and understand how bad things are now. I have learned to not worry about things getting worse, but I often think about how and when things will get better. I would say medication is an important part of the process in recovery for most people. I've been on everything under the sun. The problem for me is, the only medications that work dumb me down too much. I'd rather be a crazy hot mess and have a personality, than drooling on myself. Trust me, a lot of people understand the pain of trying. I have to do so much self manipulation to get myself to do anything. I am sure a lot of people on this forum could also reassure you that they understand.
  2. I always thought that was a nervous thing, I do that too. I laugh at the things people say that are supposed to be bad and I can't help it. Well, I'm not the nervous type. If I try to think of a time that I was nervous, I draw a blank. I've been diagnosed with boarder line personality disorder. The more I read, the more it made sense to me. My brain is just emotionally wired wrong.
  3. You are not alone. Most people will ask if you've been to a doctor to be evaluated to see if you have depression. I have found that holding it in creates more problems. For me personally, I will eventually explode if I try and do that. I also have a nine year old. At this point I think he understands that I'm different from most people. We have a good connection though. He's the only that cares if I'm here or not, so I stay. I stopped hiding who I was long ago. I stopped fighting who I was even longer.
  4. I laugh at what people around me call "inappropriate times". Maybe it's a defense mechanism. It makes me look crazy I know, but I just can't help it. I like to tell myself there is some deep philosophy to it. Like the id of the Joker.
  5. "God damn I don't want to be an angel when I die." - Rammstein "The question, they keep asking me, How can someone so young be so bitter and angry?" - Hatebreed Suicide prevention team called me yesterday. I accidentally picked up thinking it was a job offer. Sometimes I feel bad for being so aggressive and mean to some of these people. The lady that calls me is super nice, I can tell she does it because she wants to help people genuinely. She asked me if I am going to my psychiatrists appointment this Saturday, I told her I didn't want to. She asked if I'm on my meds, I said no. Then she asked me the golden question, do you feel like hurting yourself. I started laughing, she became concerned. I told her that I've made my decision, this is either going to destroy me, or I'm going to hulk smash my way out of it. I've tried so hard their way, therapy and a cocktail of anti psychotics and mood stabilizers. Maybe I'm wrong, making another wrong decision. But all I've learned in this life is pain and loss, all I know how to do is fight against grain.
  6. "Believe what you may, Say what you will, I spit my venom in the eyes of the world. spit. spit. SPIT." - Hatebreed Everyday I wake up thinking about my ex gf. When I think back on the four years we spent together, all I remember is the smiles on her face, the countless times she promised she loved me. How I'd make her laugh, make her happy. I felt that we had a special connection, that we meshed well, and that we'd grow old together. There were some bad times, we were both addicts. Being dope sick sucks. The only arguments we ever had were about drugs. That whole time we dated, she never worked. So I was the one getting our fix. I never did anything without her, but she'd do stuff behind my back. Besides the negativity of being an addict, we spent most of our days in euphoria. I used to say to her, this must be what Heaven feels like. We both finally got sober this past year. I went through a program, she stayed at home with her broke self not being able to get anything. Then it was like she just flipped a switch, and was no longer in love with me. How aggravating. I pride myself being able to talk and wiggle out of crumby situations. There was just no talking to her. So I thought if I gave her some space it'd all work out. She later told me she didn't want to be with me because of the drug use. Then a month and a half after being separated, she gets with some guy and from what I hear all they do is drink and get messed up. I just feel like it should be me. Her lips should be pressing against mine. I should be falling asleep next to her. I loved her so much. She also had the nerve to tell this guy all this awful stuff about me. Like, if I was so bad, why'd you spend four years with me? If I was so bad why did you beg me to take you back the two times we broke up? I've just been all over the emotional spectrum about it. I wish I'd just stop thinking about it.
  7. Yes Mulberrypie, It was a shock. The thing that gets me is I usually go into an appreciative manner when someone does something hurtful to me. It isn't until later that I process it and think about how I could have been told earlier, or softer, or not at all depending on the situation. My thoughts seem to automatically show more concern for the other person. Well, if what he wanted to do was hurt me he wins, but he doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing it. I responded gracefully, which is what sort of has me angry with myself, but realistically I know that engaging him by confronting him would have just ended up in a nasty circular discussion and I wouldn't trust whatever he said anyway. It's best this way. The thing I need to remember is to stay away from people who I believe lack integrity. One of my best friends plays hard ball when people mess with her. When I told her what happened she called him a douche bag. I wish I could just see facts that way and move on. It's the questioning that's always got me. This, I know I do to myself. I'm just never quite sure about people. I guess it wouldn't matter except I fear letting people in now. They all seem to have an agenda to me. Thanks again for the validation.
  8. I stepped outside into the world yesterday and today. Here's how I feel about it; ugh.
  9. Yesterday I walked into a gas station, they had a now hiring sign up. I asked this girl for an application. She made a comment about my Yo Gabba Gabba t-shirt. We started talking. She was super nice. I wish I understood happy people. I returned the application today, she was there. Again we talked and then exchanged numbers. I haven't been out in two months, I guess it was a positive interaction. But whenever I hook up with someone, it feels like I'm on a diving board about to jump in a pool of nails.
  10. If life were a football (American) game, I'd set the record for fumbling the ball. Butter fingers.
  11. "Ridicule my own, So precious alone, These faces of everyone remind me of home, Your part in riddled sin, All my needs giving in, Blow me a kiss and leave me to the dogs." - American Head Charge It's raining outside, as I smoke my cigarette. Droplets landing on my head. Thinking about how incredible that this water has everywhere on this giant rock to land, and it has chosen me. My ex wife recently told me I could be interesting. Always nice to get a half compliment. The past two months I've really given a lot of thought to what my next move is going to be. I could be brutal and vengeful, I could love myself, I could sacrifice my pleasure for others, I could go in about five different directions. I endlessly sway between them all, it's pretty aggravating. Overall I'm just tired. After the war, the dope, and all the lovers I've lost, I am just really tired of being here with the human race.
  12. The back right side of my back hurts, hurts to breath. I hope it's a terminal illness. Here's three motivational quotes from Fight Club. "I wanted to breath smoke. I wanted to destroy something beautiful." "Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken." "She's a predator posing as a house cat." I feel like a shark that has had it's fins cut off.
  13. I seem to manage well (I don't know if I'd call it a high) but then have a hickup. Depending on the job I have I can get pretty overwhelmed. I find if I'm consistent with doing small things that help me, I last longer.
  14. I feel like a palm tree in the middle of a hurricane.
  15. This one sucks. I can't show most of my writings. It would just get blurred everywhere. I should write something today, haven't in a while. So close to the bottom, The worms have their whispers, Can't trust the alphabet, Her promises were like licking honey off of dirt, Now forever has begun, Burn for eternity for what I have done, My bones will snap falling off the leaf, Sharpen them with my teeth, A physical million miles an hour, But I'm not chained to your organic light, Now that I've finally decided to die, I have arrived at the endless tide, Dislocation of unwanted matter, Foregone to the only wicked spire, Forgot to evolve so I throw up black muck, I just needed a lot of help, My loved ones hurt me the most, Now their gone and I'm ghost, Promise that I could sliver so far away, If you could just beat me up, Travel without sound direction, Infamous are the tears I have left in my wake, To my first born son I pass the pain onto you, Grand gesture of calamity to the living truth.
  16. Hello Sandy, welcome to the forum. Raising two young children is enough to take away all your energy. I've been around children all my life, I have a son. Depression will also drain of you energy. My ex gf couldn't look people in the eyes when we first started dating. I kind of threw her into a lot of social situations. She eventually got over it. Everyone's different though, I wish there was a cure all remedy. She told me for her it was like a jumping into the ocean not knowing how to swim. I also feel overwhelmed majority of my waking existence.
  17. You guys talked about impulse control and not having it. One of you mentioned no filter. If I ask myself now, I would say I have healthy impulse control. But if I looked back on my life and actual situations I've been in, I would know that I'm just lying.
  18. Welcome to the forum Jay. I can't give much advice on your girl situation. Love can be a messy situation sometimes. I'm pretty aggressive though, if it were me I'd keep pushing for it til it happened or she stopped talking to me. I'm also pretty codependent, and self destructive too. Scary dream, cool that you shared. I have pretty jacked up dreams. You may not feel so trapped if you kept sharing.
  19. Welcome to the forum Mr. Anonymous. Be careful with the drinking. I myself can't drink, unless I want to wake up in a squad car. That never ending feeling is something else too. It just never ends.
  20. Hello Scottish, I also took an over dose on Christmas. I understand how the pain drives us to do such things. I am 29 but feel like 95. I've had to start from scratch so many times. I can't count the times I've hit rock bottom, but I just keep smacking it over and over again through the years. I hope you stay on here and continue to share. It may seem dismal, but you can make friends on here. That's what I'm trying to do. As desperate as it sounds, this along with a few other forums is the only thing keeping me from doing very bad things. I'm on all the time if you'd like to talk.
  21. Hello Spark, My name is Steven, I'm 29 and a combat veteran. I think you have a lot going for yourself. I was in the Army for four years, in a combat arms unit. I would not suggest doing that. However, I have met many people that served in the Navy and loved it. Go all around the world, meet lots of girls that love American sailors. Basic training will be tough if you aren't ready for it. But once you've succeeded in that, the sky's the limit. It can be a new life if you let it. The biggest thing I miss about the military is the close relationships you build with other soldiers. Trusting each other with your lives, it's pretty special. Welcome to the forums.
  22. I am sure many people on here can relate. I myself, have lost two great loves. My ex wife of 6 years, my Harley Q of 4 years. How either one lasted so long, I don't know. There was a lot of love in there, I used to think that's all it took. But neither one of them understood what I'm going through. I have a little more than depression going on though. For me, especially on my bad days, I can't see past five feet in front of me. I don't understand how it affects the people around me until things go very wrong. I think you should talk to him about it. Pain can unite us sometimes.
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