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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. Are you on the ps4? Yea it's a pretty solid game. I think I mentioned it's been like 2-3 years since I've played a shooter. I beat it on the hardest setting before ultra nightmare I forget what it's called. Then I started playing team deathmatch. I placed first three times. And normally make top 3. Was a little greedy saying I would be getting a 4/1 kd ratio lmfao. I'm at a 1.4, my best round was 3.3. And I think that's why I'm writing this post. I can either sit in this room, let the rage and thoughts eat me alive (probably just lay in bed all day) or I can do some small things that maybe have an impact. Like cooking some food, MAYBE I'll take a shower idk, read, walk/run, I live alone so I'll sing I don't care nobody hears me LALALALALALA. There's a lot of small things you can do. But I tell you, placing first today made me feel good. Talking to some of the people online about the game also makes me happy. Connected to something for a change. Yea the snapmap is soooo cool, I can't wait for people to have more time with it, and they tweek the connectivity a lil. Had to edit for Corbin AND I forgot to mention the multiplayer character customization. Omg I LOVE PLAYING DRESS UP!!!! Seriously, how sexy are some of these unlocks, and it's all random. 150 taunts, and every single one I've seen is amazing. Doom > girlfriends. GG. Corbin last month I made a Shadow on Path of Exile standard league softcore. I'm on D3 on ps4, and every now and then I'll get on my hybrid zon on D2. My brother is playing The Division he says it's pretty fun once you get to the end game. Message me if you'd like to play something.
  2. My brother came over and we played for a while. We talked about the first two ones. Remember how hard some of those secrets were? Some of them weren't even worth it, what you had to go through. I've taken my time on the new one and have missed some secrets. This new one reminds me of the older one, it's so friggin fast. Me and my bro also played Quake Team Arena a lot, which was also pretty fast. I haven't tried the multiplayer yet, been so long since I've played a shooter. I'm not gonna lie though, I'm pretty much just as good as I was. In a tactical shooter I would expect to at least be even, if not a 2/1 ratio. In this game I shouldn't be any less than a 4/1 (score/death). I didn't look at multiplayer at yet, don't know if they have any stats. They should. My best performance out of any game was when they released counter-strike on the xbox. I was ranked 75, then when people started cheating the leader boards I think was around 140. But I had been playing cs for some years, was funny cause people on xbox didn't know how to play at first. And that game your rank was based on your kills per round, so just to keep my spot had to score at least a couple every round. And in the end that's out of 1mill+ people. Ugh, glory days.
  3. Trying to find a good doom meme, not much out there.
  4. I had a psychologist appointment today. Was the first doc visit I would've had since December. But, I slept in. Only by like 10 minutes, but would have cost me 30 minutes on a 2 hour bus ride. So, I DIDN'T accomplish anything today. Wrong thread?
  5. Hey Jason. Yea idk, sometimes when I post I just begin writing. I lost a lot of interest in games, especially shooters. In fact this is the first shooter I've played in some years. But Doom has been in my life a lot. I remember being pretty young, and being at a lan party playing the old Dooms and Quakes. I also guess I try to get people to think outside the box. Which it really isn't too far out the box, but I think anything we can use in the fight against depression is pretty important. This new one also delivers. I was pretty impressed with it, and normally I'm a hating, crying, fanboi that isn't grateful or appreciative of anything that's new at the time.
  6. So let's talk about it. Like, I'm not trying to deter you if your in a relationship. If you're married, I hope your happy and blah blah blah. But look, if your in a relationship and it's causing even the slightest misery, it's probably not worth it. I mean I'd be willing to go as far as to say, if your in a relationship it's probably not worth it. Unless you were using the person, or if by some miracle you were actually in a good relationship. What I'm trying to say is, Starcraft 2 > anybody I've ever dated. Look, the new Doom just came out last night. Never played Doom 3? What are you even doing with yourself? If you haven't played the BFG edition of Doom 3, I feel bad for you yo. Maybe I have bad thoughts, like from the moment I wake up. Thank God, that when I'm having some bad thoughts, that now I can just throw on Doom and begin rippin and merkin demons as I dance in their rain of blood. Ultra Nightmare? If you die, there is no respawn and you gotta start the whole game over? Have you seen the machine g un? How sexy does that look? And a triple shot shotgun perk? Holy hell. If anyone wants to play on Ps4, just pm me we'll exchange handles. Depression is tough, life isn't fair. But I'm already ranked #1, I am best forever.
  7. So it's been a rough week. I recently came back on this forum a few weeks ago with some positive momentum. Unfortunately hit with some adversity. I wrote this, thinking my friend who has passed away somewhat recently. Well, recent of me finding out at least. I've really enjoyed reading everyone's posts. I really like that Teemu, and ofc you guys abandoned and anxiety Again this one doesn't have a title, I'm not sure why I don't name them. This is a noose, Not a truce, You call it redemption, But it's just a resource, The problem with breathing tomorrow is, I'm not hurting in your torture and loving it, We're singing misery, Psychotic history, Ascending up in Heaven tonight, They'll call me a coward and that's when I'll be ready to strike, Have you been the news? This isn't cursed, I didn't want this, You didn't need me, Life's like climbing a waterfall, Satisfaction, but propaganda is what it's called, Selfish towers leading research, Sell us as virgins but molesting us first, Time unraveling as I'm falling, The essence of waste, Your lie is actually a paradox, Our existence feeble compared to the rocks, Now I don't even want to be around, Even the hundred pound bombs are meant to pull us down, I would live the life you want me to, But I just don't give a **** at all, This is disgust, What was enough? I blame your existing creation, A nightmare devastation, What were we supposed to do? Living in a world of faith where nothing is true.
  8. Yea I'm sorry if I triggered anyone. I just don't really have any support for this kind of thing. I was kind of unprepared for what happened at work a few days ago. I was unprepared to deal with this. I've used the VA a lot, I haven't been there since December. When I first started going to groups in the VA, the first thing I realized is that I wasn't alone. I also realized that the things I was going through weren't going to magically go away. It just really sucks because I've only recently started having motivation again and it just feels like I have to fight so hard just to start off. And as I said I don't keep contact with anyone from my unit. The only one I have seen was a guy that was also from Tampa, we met at a drug rehab program through the VA. He had told me of a couple other people we lost after the deployment. Before I got out one of my friends killed someone in a dui, got some years for it. My chief's old driver overdosed. My best friend during my entire time in the Army got hit by a shape charge grenade. My medic officer, who was probably one of the only leaders that actually cared about us, lost his life 2-3 days before he was supposed to come home. But I had dealt with most of it, every time something happens it's like I have to start over completely, dealing with it. It's bewildering to me that we can survive the actual war, but not the life afterwards. You're right about that vega, it's not a new story. And I really didn't understand it until I started making visits to the VA psych ward, and talked more to the older vets. Thx Polar, I will pm you. Thx everyone else, I know everyone has their trials and I am not trying to take anything away from anyone. Just feels really heavy right now.
  9. "This is what your getting, It's all your getting, This is what your getting, it's all your getting from me, This is what your getting, It's all your getting from me, This is what your getting, It's all your getting from me, This is what your getting, It's all your getting." - American Head Charge So I got an email this week, that I just checked this morning. And here I am again, trying to arrange my emotions in a way, so that I won't take it out on the world. So, once upon a time, I was in the active Army. About a year before my deployment, this young kid got orders to join my unit. He wasn't perfect, he was late a lot, his uniform was always jacked up, and he was pretty scrawny. And he wasn't the first person I met, that probably shouldn't have joined the military. But we became good friends. I tried to help as much as I could. I know all the yelling took a toll on him, I know he was depressed even though he wouldn't admit it. I think by the time we deployed he really came a long way, and was a good soldier. He was really into weapon modifications and probably knew more than me about certain weapons. So there was this piece of S*** guy, that climbed the ranks before I even got to the unit. This guy, had ZERO ****ING BUSINESS being in any kind of position of authority. I really hated this guy, but luckily I never had to deal with him. So my friend wasn't so lucky, and when we deployed he went to this jerk's section. Close to the end of the deployment, my friend finally got his e-4, a lot of us were proud of him. His nco didn't like him, and constantly messed with him, even though we were in a war zone and we were supposed to be looking out for each other. He ended up losing all of his rank for basically nothing, all because this guy didn't like him. I was in the first group to redeploy back to the States. I never saw him again. He hung himself in his barracks room. Isn't it enough that we have to come back, and society just simply doesn't care about us? Isn't it enough that we have given up everything for you? Isn't it enough that we took that oath and were willing to die for each other? I mean, it's crazy. Here's a kid, a young American kid, trying to serve his country, and he was berated so badly that he felt he had no other choice but to take his life. I wish I was there for him, but when I was kicked out I didn't keep contact with anyone. It's ****ing disgusting, I had such a bad week, and this is just like the cherry on top of the s*** mountain. Combat veterans have the highest suicide rate out of any group in America. I've been searching for truth for so long, and I have found some. The truth, when it comes to soldiers that actually did some fighting, the country just doesn't care, and in all actuality they are hoping and praying that we take our own lives. "Thank you for your service, now go be homeless, get addicted to drugs, and alienate yourself from us as much as possible." I actually cried reading the email, I haven't cried in years.
  10. I'm going through a similar situation. I just started working last week, after being unemployed since December. The job I have is, is that I register minorities to vote. I like the concept, but it's extremely difficult and people are just disgusting to deal with. So I have an interview Monday for this engineering firm, where I'll be handling a jack hammer, and digging a lot. So it will be physically demanding, but I won't have to deal with people. Hard to determine what I really want to do. A part of me also considers what kind of connections I can make at a job. Wish I could give you some advice, but sometimes I just don't have it to give. So good luck.
  11. So I wrote this last night. Was a bad day yesterday, probably the worst I've had in a couple months. I write a lot about God, and I don't mean to offend anyone. I believe in God, and even though I'm a pretty angry person, I'm not overly mad about God. I'm more confused than anything, looking for answers. If the palace that you worship in, Has the ear of God let me in, I need to know, that he knows, that I know I'm unforgiven, Shrapnel voice opens up and that is when, Sound waves break and begin to bend, It's all the same this minute is infinite, If the blood begins to thrash about, Like the rest of us you know what it's all about, Is it the eyes of God that scream and shout? The grand times you might of had you begin to count, The last breath of madness on his account, And through it all your destruction is just another function, If the warlord sodomites come crashing through your door, Is it the touch of God that turns us into whores? To him I swore that it would bring me to ******* war, Bring it hardcore max on the gore before it hits the floor, Ignore all the lore even tragedies are fit for the king and poor, When the last person is gone, Thank God, There will be no more bond.
  12. I just felt the need to post the last one from the three off the old thread. I've been writing some new stuff but I don't think it's appropriate for this forum. I will try and write something I can post. I am not posting because I crave attention, I hope nobody thinks that. For some reason it just feels natural to write something. The words flow out onto the paper. I don't have many tools to express how I feel. None of these poems have titles. God blows his smoke, In my mirror, Only in darkness, Does it become clearer, Dear Jesus, Why do the birds chirp? Sacrifice kitty cats under the lunar, But not in your name, The Choir of Angels, Is getting thinner, I look to the sky, Sacrament is so bitter, The reaper of death, Isn't so grim, On lists, Should be everyone's friend, Engulfed in her wings, Our skeletons obey, Saints watch me, As the sun will never set today.
  13. I do like everyone's posts. I think one of the most powerful tools that we have here, is the ability to share our thoughts and issues. I am sure at some point, it has led to someone finding a solution. I have been fighting myself for so long. I know that I do bad things sometimes, I make the incorrect decision. Sometimes I even know that what I'm doing is only going to lead to more pain and more destruction. So I know what some of you guys are saying is true, but I just can't help but be what my nature is. My deepest feelings about forgiveness is this; forgiveness is weakness. It just seems like forgiveness is just a way to confuse and spin my brain into thinking that the pain that others have caused is acceptable, and that I will do nothing about it. I am have been incredibly angry most of my life, and something I've worked on a lot in the past 5 years. I know I am probably wrong, I've been known to be wrong before.
  14. Got the job. Planned my bus route a little bit ago, and according to it, I am running more like 8 miles. Which I don't know how accurate that is. Really just doesn't feel like that far to me. You know, it feels like I've been here before. How many times do I have to rise from the ashes? The worst part is, it feels like I know where this is going. And I'm just really angry about it. Do I want to get better, yes. Am I trying really hard? Yup. I guess I just don't have the expectation of anything actually working out for the better, no matter how much I thrash for it. But the chick that interviewed me was named Angel and was from China and was super cool. I liked her galoshes (heavy storms today).
  15. Destroyed Not Conquered I DID IT I COUNTED TO 3!!!! I'm the best.
  16. From the old thread, because I'm lazy and unoriginal. How can this be the work of the Divinity?
  17. I've lost a lot over the years. I used to be a real competitive gamer. A lot of the music I used to listen to I no longer can. At first I was confused to what was going on, losing interest in things. I guess a big part of me just accepted it and didn't give much thought to it. I have slowly been taking some things back. I've really been focused on recovering. I am sure that many people can relate to this topic. Just keep fighting guys. Depression, along with other forces, are trying their best to destroy me, to destroy my identity. There's not much more they can take, there isn't much more they can do to me. Which makes it easier for me, there is only way to go from here.
  18. No Love Only Smash No I still can't count.
  19. Though I'm still far from perfection.I stay relevant, I'm still vigilante.I have so much more to say.I have so much more to fight for.I've used your lack of inspiration.As my awakening, its my ability to live foreverBy my own command.To be vehement, remain confident. - Hatebreed I have a job interview tom which I'm pretty stoked about. It deals with a sort of activism, which I'm always interested in people that are trying to change the world. Changing yourself is hard enough, often doesn't happen. Changing the world is just about impossible, I hardly ever relinquish challenges. I doubled the distance I run tonight, now somewhere around 3.5 miles. I've been in so much pain, but I'm still here, I'm still fighting.
  20. The world has done it's finest. Yea, give credit where it's due. I see the room where they clap and smile, distributing their false idols, their false ideas. Where I went was the opposite of that. The place where I put my trust and where I wasn't afraid to be who I was, turned on me. The truth becoming false. Becoming what they always promised wouldn't happen, but here we are. So what now? Should I roll over, ever so easily for them? Have they finally beaten me? Either side is my enemy. In fact, in my world now, the people that are in my life, I can say this for them. If you are breathing, and I know you, you are probably an enemy. And still, every now and then one from either side of will come to my door. "Hey, it's been a long time. How are you? Will you come with me so I can decide how you should feel and we'll regard you as cool?" How can I possibly forgive these people? Even if I had the ability, why would I even consider it? You think it would give me the ability to love? Maybe. But maybe, love is no longer an emotion that I strive for. Maybe it's an indulgence that I now find disgusting and contradictory. The weak sucking on me, trying to disguise what their true intentions are. What is truth? Well I guess that depends on your perspective. In my eyes, truth is just a tool. It's an extravagant gift, wrapped in beautiful shiny skin, with a big red bow that tantalizes you. The only way the truth will set you free, is when it destroys you. If you think there is some truth to forgiveness, I would only like to add that it is through lies and pain that you will ever find your revenge. Just something I wrote. I actually do struggle with forgiveness and have been giving a lot of thought to it. Maybe some of you also have opinions about forgiveness.
  21. Some of the things you have said, are words that have left my mouth. I was in a psych ward in December (on Christmas day) because I took an overdose. I took it because the girl that promised me she loved me betrayed me. And I was caught totally off guard and I have been devastated since. Only the past 8 days I have found some motivation to keep going. I don't have any friends, and I no support. So whatever I accomplish I do on my own. I have had some help here and there, to help me cope. Please, I know it hurts, but please don't give up. I could tell you some really bad graphic things that happened to me, but her doing what she did was the worst thing I've ever felt emotionally. If you ever want to talk PLEASE message me. Seriously those last two lines you wrote, I can really relate.
  22. See, I really like Steet's and Dante's posts. It really helps talking with people about problems and solutions on here. But when you read something that someone created, I just think it gives me some perspective. Def on the way people think, especially about the bad times. This poem is also from the old thread and the last poem I wrote. Both these poems were written during extremely bad times. I just felt so bad that I had to sit down and write something. So close to the bottom, The worms have their whispers, Can't trust the alphabet, Her promises were like licking honey off of dirt, Now forever has begun, Burn for eternity for what I have done, My bones will snap falling off the leaf, Sharpen them with my teeth, A physical million miles an hour, But I'm not chained to your organic light, Now that I've finally decided to die, I have arrived at the endless tide, Dislocation of unwanted matter, Foregone to the only wicked spire, Forgot to evolve so I throw up black muck, I just needed a lot of help, My loved ones hurt me the most, Now their gone and I'm ghost, Promise that I could sliver so far away, If you could just beat me up, Travel without sound direction, Infamous are the tears I have left in my wake, To my first born son I pass the pain onto you, Grand gesture of calamity to the living truth.
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