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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. Hi Pho. Welcome to the forums. I hope you stick around and read through some of the threads. I can tell you just from my experience on this site, that finding the right combo of medications is something a lot of people deal with. I've been on all the ssri's, sleep meds, mood stabilizers, and anti psychotics. It literally took me about 12 years of taking meds, to find lithium, geodon, and librium. Unfortunately, I went through a lot of stuff last December. I was baker acted twice and split with my ex gf, and became frustrated with every facet in my life. So currently I am not taking meds, but I have been going to a psychologist for a couple weeks and might schedule a psychiatrist appointment. I would also add, that most of the help I have gotten for my depression and my anger was through therapy. The meds seemed to give me a chance to utilize the things I learned in therapy. Good luck, I know it's hard but don't give up. If you ever want to talk just message me.
  2. Hi Dane. I really enjoy how we can at the very least, get on here and talk to each other about what's going on. I am by far not a doctor. I know pretty minimal about psychology. And since I have no experience of what you're going through, I can't really offer any advice. The closest thing I can is, that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder about five years ago. I know the frustration of being able to identify what the problem is but lacking a way to utilize the tools I have learned to deal with it. What do you mean your amygdala feels atrophied? I would also say that I lived a pretty extreme life. Nothing was easy, it was full throttle all the way. I can relate to you saying you would love some middle ground. Again, it wasn't the same thing your're going through, it was my behavior and thought process that lead to that. If you ever want to talk just message me.
  3. It's showing up like this. D E L U So each letter is a new, separate line. I have been posting my poems on another forum first, then copy/pasting it here so I don't have to retype it. Guess I won't do that anymore.
  4. woah, does my last post look weird to anyone? It's showing up all funky on my screen.
  5. So I took this door to door vacuum sales job. My first real day was yesterday. These damn people lied to me on so many levels. For one, a sales position is NEVER salary. If you don't sell whatever it is your selling, your fired, and probably won't get paid. Secondly, they said they had a phone team that set appointments, imagine my disappointment when I get out the van yesterday and started knocking on doors. Also, there is no script. I gotta make my own demo based off the facts they have given me. It's been stressful. My birthday was yesterday. I mentioned in the chat last night, that for a long time (12+ months), I really wanted to commit suicide when I turned 30. Not because of the age, I just haven't wanted to be alive in a long time and turning 30 seemed to be a fitting prospect. So, being alive today kind of seems like a failure and really wish I could rest for eternity. I have a psychologist appointment today, and a primary care visit after. I started writing a poem today, I couldn't post the last one it was too graphic. Why is it when you eat birthday cake for breakfast does it seem like things aren't so bad though? Glad to see you guys posting on here, HI DUCK! MoistNutella, your name makes me cringe lol.
  6. I entered this into a little forum contest. I had to fill in the blank. ______ memories. Delusional memories make me sad but let me thrive, I am not the bee making honey for the glory of the hive, They always mention in the present that things happened differently, All I remember is you smiling and laughing at my jokes consistently, They always tell me in the psych ward my memories are lies, Maybe one day I was stroking your hair but really gauging your eyes, How will you ever defeat me, that which loves pain? Struggle with suffering truth so I manipulate my brain, I do laugh at the thought, that this moment isn't the end, Feeding me power, ******* my enemies that are actually friends, How many things must I lose before I stop changing the truth? Probably more and probably never because I love the abuse, There used to be an apple that God said not to eat, Now I sit in the dark promising ghosts this isn't defeat, Progress seems to construct something that doesn't hurt as bad, Because when I look back it was always my victory to be had, My self preservation is self unaware with destruction on cue, And all of my great memories have no idea what I am willing to do. Man I love seeing everyone's writing. Seems like this thread is starting to thrive again :) Abandon I really like that last one. And thanks for posting that again dog.
  7. Only missed a couple days, but a bunch of good stuff :) I really like that poem your friend made Anxiety.
  8. Hello Tender, Welcome to the forum, this is a great place to connect with other people that are going through tough times. If you stick around and read through some of the other threads, you may even find something that will eventually lead to a solution. If you read through some of my posts, you will see that anger/rage is a common tune. It is the one thing I have worked on the most, through therapy. I practice a technique called mindfulness. It's not something you can just read and start doing, it will take some practice. But it is something that has helped me tremendously. Also, depression has a pretty keen ability to trick us. I think it's easy to misunderstand and look past sometimes. I always suggest that people who have been struggling for a long time (years) that you should try and get an appointment with some kind of mental health. Whether that's a counselor, or psychiatrist, or psychologist. I have been med free since December because of my own skewed views, but medicine can be really beneficial, so it's also something I urge people to explore. Again, welcome to the forum and I really hope you stick around.
  9. HeyEverything is not okayWe lost too much along the wayThe passengers are out todayIt looks as though they're here to stayThis paranoia turns to fearThis too is whispering in your earPretending but I know you hearThat's how we ****ing end up here Nine Inch Nails - All Time Low I'm glad I've been able to start listening to music that I once loved again. There are songs on this album (Hesitation Marks), that I used to bang pills to. So for a long time, every time I heard a certain couple songs, it would trigger me into thinking about those bad times. Slowly I have been taking things back. It feels like I'm in an ocean of mud, trying to maneuver to reach out to the things I want. These past three weeks have been so incredibly active, and such an up and down ride. When something bad happens, and the bad feelings stay for a long time, it eventually (TO ME) turns into a feeling that I weathered the storm. It really feels good to get on here and maybe give someone a little bit of hope. But for me it's more about connectivity right now, which is a two way street. And by no means do I hold all the answers, or any at all. But I am still alive, and so are you. I have also recently started playing some games again, after some years of being pretty inactive in the gaming world. I've been riding my Redline bike (my baby) to work, and I am just really happy I've gotten to do that again. For some months I just stayed in a single room by myself, not really doing anything. So I would describe it was two pretty different extremes to live. I also feel like I've been able to be around my kid and have a positive experience with him again. I felt really disconnected for a long time, really this past year has been devastating. I just wanted to share this thought, because I woke up today with NIN stuck in my head so I am playing the album now, and just chillin and enjoyin the tunes. Most days I fantasize about a better life. I think about the things I have lost. I shouldn't have the expectation of returning to a better time. Which is kind of a depressing thought for me. It feels like I've gone past my prime. But the only thing that I realize I can do, is try and help myself reclaim my identity and try to pursue a better life. If anyone ever wants to talk just write on here, or message me :)
  10. I had a psychologist appointment on Monday. It was the first doctor visit I've had since December. A lot of bad things have happened this year and last year. So it was nice to talk to someone at the very least. I hope I can keep going. I also mentioned this site to her. We didn't talk about it much. But she did ask me if people were suicidal on here. I explained there is the terms of agreement for safety and I'm sure legal reasons, but that there are many people suffering on here trying to fight it. If you're on here your at least letting it out, but more than likely if you stay you will connect with people. This site has helped me tremendously, during what is the probably the worst time in my life.
  11. So I decided to take this sales position. I may have to cancel my psychologist appointment Monday because of it. I would really like to go though. It's nice having the words actually leave my mouth, and for another human to look me in the eyes while I'm saying it. I really enjoy this place. Before this place I have belonged to a couple other forums that I feel really close to. This week I have joined a couple poetry forums. I really hate reading some of their stuff, and some of them have flamed me already because my poetry is too dark. Maybe it is, but at least when I post it here I feel like I'm actually connecting with people. And that's a pretty big deal to me.
  12. Let Earth Be The New Mars Dissect the seed, Find no hope, Trade my dollar, For a rope, It's enemies, That find my call, Lifted by demons, Don't care at all, Disgust is real, A fallen Saint, No more love, The faith is taint, I know the words, I've read the book, Broken commandment, The lives I took, You're so scared of your own inception, Living your life in complete deception, A new proclamation, it's a strategy, Drench ourselves in gasoline for effigy, It's finally time for our God to ask, Should his pathetic children even last? Grab my breath, The cut's intense, My mind is gone, But soul is dense, Alone for play, Night has come, They will sleep, Destroyed for some, Pray for Angels, But do they care? No mass graves, The rot is fair, If life is blessed, I want to die, Hurt the loved ones, Watch them cry, There isn't time for fake decisions, Focus on sifting through contradictions, If God is right and I am wrong, Why does hide, where has he gone? Calling them out with maximum damage, They offer judgement but never passage, I'm in the ring, Exchanging blows, Forever fight, It's all I know, I taste my blood, Adore the pain, All I lose, Is all I gain, Did you know, We dine in ash, Drink his blood, And then we laugh, I know I'm sick, Just need some help, Touch my hand, But then I melt, This system of tricks and organs seems to folly, Have the intestines pushed enough **** out the body? Maybe I owe my creator for he is the divine master, Will he ever **** this world, will he please do it faster? Millennials should be the last of generations, End it when we know everything without fascination.
  13. So I've been posting my writings on a couple different poem forums. It's crazy because everyone I see has like a zillion poems that they've posted, and everyone is super smart. I'm not college educated, so I don't even know the terms of different poems and terms for parts of poems. I wrote this and entered it into a monthly contest. Was really tired when I wrote it, idk how good it is. It had to start with And the cemetary was, the only requirement. The Living Evil And the cemetery was never filled with my heretic body, Earth growing her plant cells through rotten so tightly, Time isn't so anonymous if you sell your soul to eternity, Other wise the Holiest of Holiest sends you into memory, Countless hours of so many breathing but now pathetic dust, You can stand before a headstone and pretend it's God you trust, Hope you can rip the lies off the mantle they made you, The only truth the dead even knew is that they'll forget us too, A meadow they call serenity can be a lonely destination, If Heaven is your paradise then send me to the burning nation, Only enemies to visit the grave and revel in my submission, I let the maggots design my new meaning of infestation, But that hasn't happened yet, no matter how bitter I am, A box is your bed that we dedicate to the savage land, When you smile and laugh with your open fallacy, Desperation is the pollution that kills your faculty
  14. "Start from nothing stop at nothing hell-bent, NEVER PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION AGAIN!" - Hatbreed So I went to the psychologist Monday. Had an interview yesterday and today is orientation. I'm still not 100% sure of what exactly the job is. I have an interview tom for a land survey position. I have a drug test coming up. I've never approved of drug tests. I'm clean and I can pass. I just feel like it's a little demanding of someone to pee in a cup. I mean, my pee belongs to me and they sit there judging and testing it in a lab. Just feels violating to me. I have another psychologist appointment next monday, but I'm not sure what my schedule is going to look like. And I'm really struggling on what position I should take. I also have another job lined up, but it's just a little too far away. Pretty busy week, more than usual. Is there psychology behind the idea of performing better when under a lot of pain and stress? I just feel like cope a lot better when things are chaotic and busy, but it's also the same thing that wears me out and sometimes causes me to have break downs. So idk.
  15. Out of everything I've gone through, recovery and therapy wise, I have worked on my anger the most. My entire life I have been very confrontational. I also can relate to you saying how you want everyone to drop dead. I have a lot of twisted thoughts. But in order for me to personally move on with my life, I have had to deal with my anger. I don't know if you've ever heard of mindfulness, but it's a skill I have practiced a lot in the past few years. Mindfulness makes having those bad/angry thoughts ok, they just need managed. Thought challenging is something I regularly do as well. That's where I will write something that makes me really angry and I try to write different thoughts that I can have about the situation. I have been off all meds since December, for better and for worse. I think everyone should explore their options, and really attempt whatever they can to fight this battle. For me, meds were the only answer doctors were offering me for a long time, and I just don't think working through anger and extreme emotions is there a requirement for meds. I'm also a recovering addict so my view is a little skewed. But what I'm trying to say is that I have received better solutions from therapy than I ever did taking mood stabilizers and anti psychotics. Hang in there, keep fighting. Maybe my anger cost me a lot, losing everybody, but I've always used my anger in whatever way I could to battle the struggle.
  16. I named this one. Fruitless Eyes, Cut, Throat, Shut, Soon we'll be gone and forgotten, Let, The, World, Burn, We're living in the reign of the Devil, My, Fight, My, Loss, A righteousness that isn't lost but forsaken, Dirt, Dig, Sand, Blood, Offer their cruelty with a sacrifice, Cry, View, Sound, Break, The colors change when the rage begets the voices, I am just another dam, Holding back a faded a man, There used to be a better plan, But now I lie of who I am, Because they will never understand, Compromise my foundation, Submission isn't a gift, It is taken Smirk, Face, Glass, House, God never loved all his cowards, Black, Flag, No, Race, Die hard politics because everyone is stupid, Sweat, Fall, Doll, Make, The blood in my mouth the only thing that's foreign, Dollar, Faith, Drug, Farm, Your lie is even worse than the Creator's, Fang, Kiss, Scar, Suck, Very weak but forever powered, It's feeling like another blame, Lonely life but never change, How do you know of what's to gain? The words that leave your mouth is our bane, So many feelings but all lead to pain, A monster that lacks ignition, To battle your truth, That is really fiction.
  17. Sometimes I reread every post on this thread. The three of us have some good writing. Just wanted to say I appreciate you guys.
  18. Hatebreed Concrete Confessional New album out, on tour with Devil Driver.
  19. So I live in Tampa. It's really humid here and we get a lot of clouds. I love watching the moon when there are low flying clouds that travel fast. The light piercing through some of them, and eventually the moon will fully shine down. If I watch the ground, you can see the light leaving and re entering. Idk if people get this phenomenon anywhere else, but sometimes under a full a moon, a giant ring sometimes is formed around the moon. I think I googled it once to see what the hell it was. I really enjoy learning about space, and looking up at the sky can remind me of my place in the universe. I remember watching a show, and a scientist said, "After millions of years of evolution, the universe created us. The universe understanding that it's a universe." Something that I think about a lot. It's also just so infinitely big, if you look at our planet compared to the rest of everything it should give you some perspective.
  20. So if this is too dark, I am sorry just delete it. I do not condone violence. And after living in a state of perpetual rage for two decades, I can tell you that hate doesn't really get you anywhere. I write things like this, to help me be mindful. That it's ok to have bad thoughts, but you have to manage them. I'm also a combat veteran, and before that I was a street kid, so violence and confrontation has always played a role in my life. Living in the wake of destruction from you is a sign, I've had enough pain to last a hundred million life times, You thought you could hurt me and simply walk away, The price you'll pay will surely be the end of days, You're sitting there counting the likes you hit off that thread, But the only thing I'm counting are the paces to get to where you lie in bed, Creeping in the shadows under the absence of the moon light, And I got more bullets than there are stars out at midnight, Put the black ski mask on and suddenly become immortal, Get to your door and bayonet charge as if I were General Custer, Panic screaming frenzy and then everyone cries and begs to try and help, Not remotely empathetic, go upstairs to Peter and explain yourself, But down here, It is very ****ing clear, If you live past me, Then you will live in fear, Until that dreadful day, When the debt is too much, And you gotta pay.
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