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Everything posted by glfinding

  1. So I didn't hear about this all day, until someone mentioned it over the playstation. I just got done watching what the channels are saying about it. The epitome of what is very wrong with this world. I know things are just more televised now, and I know that I may be pay more attention to the bad stuff that happens, but it just seems like my entire life people have been doing such terrible things to each other. I live in Tampa, I actually have some transgender friends in Orlando. They are fine, but everyone is talking about it. There is a significant gay population here in Tampa, and I think it's pretty significant in Orlando. A forum that I use for transgenders is all talking about it too. The saddest part to me, is that everyone will take a certain stance on it, and everyone will fight with each other, and nothing will be done about it in the end. Nothing about the bottom line anyways, which is that innocent Americans were ********. This just hits me personally on a few different levels.
  2. Well maybe you're right about the adrenaline. I guess I'm not really talking about outbursts. For a long time I just lived angry. Anger was a way to cope. You know what another good one is? The I don't care philosophy. It gave me a lot of power to not be connected, and to not care about anything outside of me. This past year I've been able to actually think about what I'm doing, and for the first time I've been able to look back and remember what I did and how I felt. I let so many things go so far. I think I said to someone on here, my depression feels like a reaction to the life that happened to me. I know it sounds dumb and cliche, especially on here, but maybe if I didn't endure that pain, and I didn't become depressed about it, and lead me to live like a wild animal for a while, maybe I wouldn't have survived that pain. Maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason, but I think a lot does. But to be on topic, I was stuck not really wanting to work on my problems for a long time. Your topic was part of that for me.
  3. Hi Ax, I'm a recovering addict. I have been sober for a little more than a year. I just have one of those personalities that doesn't mix with mind altering substances at all. I'm not a doctor, but isn't ketamine an animal tranq? Isn't that what special k is? If it is, then I def would not recommend that for almost any kind of treatment. Again I am not a doctor. But I have done special k, I've basically done every drug. Maybe I did a lot more than you did, but when I did special k I was so high that I could not function. In fact I remember the first time I did it, I did some and was about to drive my car back to my girlfriends house and my friend stopped me and told me to wait til it hit me, and I was lucky because when it hit me I was on glued to my chair. I agree Lynn, any mind altering substance is so dangerous for people like us. They offer a solution, that is actually an illusion and is only out to hurt you and ultimately **** you. It took me a lot of loss to figure out that drugs aren't the answer. Also I have a question for Lynn, WHERE ON EARTH IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?
  4. Hi Jennifer, Welcome to the forum, my favorite place to be right now. I hope you stick around and try to connect with people on here. Reading through the threads can also give some insight and connection. You will find that a lot of people on here have been struggling with mental illness for a long time, and I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much with all of the diagnoses. I have been clinically depressed basically my entire life. I just knew at a young age that I thought differently than other people, and it was something that never went away, and was something I didn't REALLY start working on for a long time. I have been diagnosed with boarder line personality disorder. At first it sounded like a big stupid name, and I also knew the VA was just trying to diagnose me with something that wasn't PTSD so I couldn't get a service connection. BUT, a lot of the pieces fit for me. I guess my suggestion to you is to do some research about it, and do some soul searching. My son is 9, and him and brother are the only two positive things I have going for me right now. I also feel the guilt of not being 100% for my son. But I've learned that as long as I'm trying with everything I got at 100%, then I should be satisfied with the way things are. There is literally nothing else you can do after you've given it your all, so don't sell yourself short. I used to live with zero regret. I also don't have any kind of anxiety, I am not scared of anything. Both of those facts are character flaws. So in my eyes, if you have a little regret, it's probably healthy. It shows me that you want to get better, and I truly hope you do. In the meantime, I hope you stick around and make some friends on here as I have. I hate to say it, but this place was a last line of defense for me. Often we can not tell what would of happened if things happened differently. But I think if I didn't find this place, I may have lost this eternal battle.
  5. Oh wow. I think I've said quite a few times on other threads, that I love it when someone takes the words out of my mouth and puts them into written words. I think this is a problem where a lot of people get stuck. And this is also a part where medication will ultimately fail. I get this feeling the most, when I'm angry. It feels good to me when I let my anger consume me. The same way I love the feeling that drugs give me. They are about on par with each other. Obviously the problem with both is that it is an illusion and both are just out to destroy you. It took me a LONG time and cost me a lot in my life to learn that if I was ever going to get better, I was going to have to really want it. That meant letting go of the hatred that drove me day to day. I am still guilty of this, but it is nowhere near what it used to be. It also meant that I was going to have work really hard to change, that it wasn't just going to magically happen one day when I woke up. I hardly ever have any good advice on here, because I am going through the same stuff that a lot of people on here are, and I haven't really found the answers yet. I preach mindfulness a lot. There have been small things that I have been able to do to battle this fight. But I def understand this feeling, it's part of the very lonely and vicious cycle.
  6. Thanks guys. Coming from someone who has literally no support system, I highly appreciate you two. I've probably said that a bunch of times. I've been going to a psychologist the past month, we will be starting some therapy to help me deal with the extreme thoughts. I also think I will be going back on medication. I know some of my poems sound kind of bad, but I'm not a bad person. I've learned about how this world will try and destroy some of us, but I've also learned to not roll over for it. I spend a fair amount of my time battling bad thoughts. I still wish I could diversify my writing. I also notice that I use a lot of the same words through my poems, and that they all have the same basic theme. So it kind of feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over. I keep telling myself that one of these times I will stick with a main theme and not go off rambling about everything. The only thing we can do is try our best though.
  7. I think I posted in here once or twice, about how I DIDN"T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING today. I got some problems. But I did raise my k/d ratio by .05 to bring it to 2.55. Was happy when I got it to 2, so anything after that is just a bonus. Oh, I'm talking about the new Doom. Did I ever mention to you guys about how I'm the best? I also wanted to share this comment that I said to my brother when we were watching all the candidates make their speeches after the Cali primary. "I wish I could treat all of these candidates the same way I treat people in Doom." *Chainsaw revs*
  8. What another troubling week. Just got to read over everyone's posts since my last one. I aint, gonna lie. I have been dealing with some seriously violent thoughts, and some idealization. I'm like two weeks away from losing everything AGAIN. This would make the fifth time in my adult life that I literally lost everything that I have worked for. Thankfully, this time there is no s***ty friends or lovers to lose, so at least I don't have to deal with that. Although, I still think about getting even with my ex gf and the terrible people that she is a part of. I am surprised that I haven't gotten a message from an admin about my poetry. So I appreciate them letting me express myself. I've said it before, if this is too graphic, just delete it and I am sorry. The Cure To Everything Offer decay for my maggot king, Plant people not flowers, Untold power but just witnessing, The meat and the bones surround, Eat people not sushi, Can see death but what have we found? Production means we can consume, Deny people grace, Glittered path to our abortion room, I hold my pen my like five charging rams, Crush people like sawdust, My redemption was never even a plan My words aren't just empty they are screaming, It's like the insects have found a better meaning, Open my eyes and the nightmares not so far away, Why does tomorrow have to happen today? Life's just a bomb that I'm winding, Only out to hurt the ones that love, If you could see through my eyes, And ask how could Heaven let this happen, Would you scrape their ending off of me? What if I let, The weapon philosophy, What if I make, Psychotic symphony, What if I act, Like you are the enemy, What if I hurt, All that's real to me, Lasted but for just how much longer now? People spread like disease, Age of information but you don't know how, You're reaching out with prosthetic arms, People alive in paradox, Grazing your feces for the political farms, Times like this have happened before, Great flood for people, Deconstruction of the envious core, In the damage of blind acceptance, No more people, Suicide is our only life in penance, All we can be is sin in our citizenship, Like the fallen Gods they pretend to worship, Dark and cold so we engulf ourselves in flames, God loved me but it's not a lover's game, Life's just a bomb that I'm winding, Only out to hurt the ones that love, If you could see through my eyes, And ask how could Heaven let this happen, Would you scrape their ending off of me? What if I break, The spinal deception, What if I seek, The violent affection, What if I call, Demon infestation,, What if I sink, The forgiving isolation. Just kind of noticed this one is a bit longer than the others. I did repeat a verse. I think this is more a song than anything, although I did not write it to any beat or rift.
  9. Idk if I ever posted in this thread. I like to check in every now and then on the "Did you accomplish anything today?" thread. But I'd rather vent about how I'm FEELING right now. I cap feeling, because it is important to know that they are just feelings. I can feel like I hate the world and everyone in it, but it doesn't make it true, and my behavior will outweigh my feelings. So I've been going to this new psychologist for a few weeks, and we have a plan to start some therapy over the loss of my last long term relationship. I hold a lot of hate and violence in my heart. My anger has cost me a lot and it's something I've worked on tremendously over the last 3ish years. But right now I'm feeling really bad. I'm jobless, I'm about to lose my apartment, I've lost everything four times now. I just turned 30, and it feels awful. I have no car and it's such a struggle riding my bike and taking the bus everywhere. It FEELS like I have to fight for every little thing, just simple things like getting food (I've been stealing food for two weeks), waking up and getting out of bed, dealing with anyone in real life. It's just really starting to hit me right now. And the only way I know how to cope with it, is to get angry. And that begets a host of problems for me. It's crazy that I can identify the problem, but no matter how hard I fight it, my anger always seems to win. Deep down I really don't want to hurt anyone, but so many people have caused me pain, and so many people were a part of the travesty that lead me here, I just FEEL really vengeful and desperate right now.
  10. Your Beauty Is Disgusting I'll find my love when it rains on the moon, Then I'll destroy it but never too soon, The warmth is feeling better on our sensitivity, I pray for fire then it takes my dignity, It is the time where we are all forgotten, Most important value if we are rotten, Only blown up veins know of my desire, Stepping on ants but not to get higher, Been a long time for silver eyes, Blood smells just like the rust, Locked me in a violent box, Never wanted to do what I must, I'll find my reason when dogs start sexing cats, Then I'll become bitter no matter what the facts, How could she condemn to such a painful fate? Terrible things we do to each other in pathetic state, Hope is nothing but a cunning and beautiful lie, I hope God knows I don't want to be an Angel if I die, Wishing on the dead and particle shadows, Gravity to hold us down and power to impose, Seemed like I go it right, But I have to twist this knife, Can anyone even feel anything? Am I the only disconnection in this life? I'll find my wonder when answers are to be found, Like a tree falling alone, I'll never make a sound, The winter is like the needle puncturing my pain, Snowing euphoria landing on us to become our bane, Giant ball shining down but can not see the light, Twenty five thousand miles of misery no end in sight, We have to eat the apple because of flawed design, No mercy death in nature because the plan is Divine, The pillars own their scars, Discord is a humble price, I will find everything, But how much of a sacrifice?
  11. Science, hah, I'm actually laughing! That was great. Maybe I'm a little dark, but that last line is crackin me up. Surviving, I like your last line especially. My ps4 handle = gofwkureself Anxiety that is a pretty strong one. I can really relate to the feeling of it. I like the demon and lighthouse verses. Good one for being "fuzzy". ;p Abandon I've actually been struggling to write. I have been going back and making small changes to existing ones. I've been really distracted with trying to find work, doctors, and dealing with a more than usual amount of people (hate dealing with people). I copied you and give a +1 to everyone doing their thing. For me, I really have no friends right now. But even if I did, I wouldn't be sharing and connecting with them the way I am here with you guys. So I def appreciate everyone's stuff.
  12. This is just my short opinion (I'm pretty tired). The one thing going to a doctor/therapist/counselor is good for (at the least), is that you have the chance to say what's going on to someone who has insight into mental health. Just saying the words can ease the pressure and the pain a little bit. There are tests you can take, to give you an idea if you're depressed or not. In my experience, if you think that you MAY have it, you probably have it. Because if you think you have it, then it has affected you in at least some negative ways. I have gone to therapy a lot through out my life. I'm a pretty intense person, so it's hard for me to give advice because I am equally guilty for having the thoughts that other people have on here. I can relate to you being unsure if you want to go. But if I could turn back time, the one thing I would do is try to get a handle on my problems much earlier than I did.
  13. Your vote is an excuse,Dollar an excuse,Perversion an excuse,Fear an excuse,Consequence an excuse,Hope an excuse,So start fighting with me. Should read like that, can't edit it again :(
  14. United States Of Disintegration Discarded in desecration, Tragedy is destination, Hurt each other, All in vain, Beg for right, All to blame Mountains of perfect sin, Swear to God I fit right in, Dance in blood, Dodge the most, Slightest of fear, You are toast, I'm from America, Where we're all defecting, From America, Living in poverty, From America, Where kids are property, There's something about the way you say your words, When they reach my ears I want to erase your vocal cords, Everything you're saying you just got to believe it, You're spewing stupid and I just got to receive it, Put my name on the pillar and call me a zero, Now I'm a killer with a gun and call me a hero, Your vote is an excuse, Dollar is an excuse, Perversion is an excuse, Fear is an excuse, Consequence an excuse, Hope an excuse, So start fighting with me, The world turning it all to ash, The faith shatters like broke glass, If you read this, You will die, They won't care, You can not cry, Destiny has peaked and receded, I'm so much better because I'm conceded, Devil with a phone, Angel with a plate, Selling us a cure, What a petty fate, I'm from America, Applaud in detonation, From America, Assaulting on the school, From America, Divided because we're cool What does being master say about your taste? Thank God for lawyers in Hell to fight your case, Terminate whats inside the womb because of sense, A dream for a sacrifice in this life of penance, You are docile because you simply have a choice, But I will choose isolation in order to save voice, Your vote is an excuse, Dollar is an excuse, Perversion is an excuse, Fear is an excuse, Consequence an excuse, Hope an excuse, So start fighting with me. How dope is that title yo? I kind of created this out of two separate poems.
  15. Holy ******* ****. Literally everyone who posted, has something powerful to say. That's just great. My pain will eventually hurt you.
  16. Hi Amber. Welcome to forum. I hope you stick around and read through some of the other posts on here. I'm always glad to see people offering their hope. What a tough question you have asked. Does it ever get better? I am sure so much goes into that answer, that expecting a solid and visible yes or no would be incredibly difficult. My experience has been quite unique, and I have been plagued with many problems over the years. I am sorry about your parents, I think people who mock depression just have no idea. I once worked for someone, who didn't believe in my depression. A few years down the road, his daughter was killed by a drunk driver. He had to walk through that muck, and it wasn't till then he could understand the feelings that I had. I would say, if you are really depressed, and you don't deal with it now, it has a good chance to get worse. Not to scare you or put any kind of hopelessness into it. I used drugs and violence to deal with my depression for many years. And it worked for a long time. But in the end I had to lose a lot more, and if I would have just chose to deal with it in a healthy way maybe I wouldn't have had to lose so much. My biggest piece of advice to your question then, is to really try and be proactive to handle this now before you give it a chance to get worse. Going to school should offer a great experience for you. It may be hard at times, but I think you should focus and be patient till you go. My favorite thing to do to the people that hurt me and doubt me, is to prove them wrong. And living moment to moment can be difficult, but a very effective. A part of that is being mindful. Mindfulness is a technique that I have learned from therapy. If you ever want to talk, just join the chat or pm me :)
  17. Hi Char. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. The last job I had, was a seasonal job in December at toys r us. I've really gone through a lot of things in the past 12 months. And it all kind of blew up in my face in December. I wasn't able to work after a couple weeks. I also can't count the jobs I've lost due to mental illness. Whether it's because of psych ward hospitalizations (they aren't supposed to be able to fire you, but Florida is a right to hire right to fire state), or I would just end up having a break down after months of working. It's def aggravating, and it is scary when you're living check to check losing work. I have also experienced sexual side effects from meds. I just simply won't take them if I feel they will affect me that way. The last med combo I was on, was pretty great. Lithium, Geodon, and Librium. But before the Geodon, there were a lot of anti psychotics that affected me negative ways too much. I wish I had some advice to give you. The only thing I can really say is that I relate. And I believe you should never have to justify or feel sorry about the way you feel. Leaving your job may seem stressful, but just keep fighting, keep trying to heal.
  18. Wow what a great thread. I love it when I read something on here, and it feels like the words that are chosen could easily be the words that leave my mouth. If I began to talk about how I deal with the past, I'd be writing a pretty long novel on here. It would be filled with madness and bad decisions. When I read this, I thought about the past 4 years, that I spent with this girl. While I dated this person, I compromised just about everything about myself. My morals, my foundation, my life style. I'm still really angry about how this person used me and lied to me. But I'm getting to the point where I'm more disgusted that I would have put myself in that kind of position. My entire life is filled with some pretty disturbing things. If I had a time machine, I don't even know where I would start lol. Anyways thanks for sharing, def relate.
  19. I've been talking to my psychologist about my core beliefs of the world (I just started seeing this one and haven't been to therapy since December). She says since I'm clinically depressed, that I will focus on the bad and discount the good. But it FEELS like 99% of the people in the world are part of the problem. Greed and power hunger are the foundation of a lot of suffering. For me personally (the Army really changed me), I now wait and hope for a president will grow the military again. So I can go back, and hopefully fight in another war. At this point I wouldn't even care what the war was about. Don't get me wrong, what happened in Iraq was pretty bad, I do care about the people there and of course the soldiers that served there. I just feel like my next enemy, if I were to ever have the chance again, would get a lot from me no matter the circumstance of who they were or what was going on. Ugh, rambling again. I know that sounds bad reading it again, but I'm keepin it. I like sharing. I have another job interview tom that I just called today. For a glass repair shop. Don't know anything about that, but I apply to literally everything. I apply to stuff that require college degrees. It is kind of far from me, close to Raymond James Stadium. That is the opposite side of the city I am, will take a few hours to get to on bus, so idk. Woke up thinking about my awful ex gf, that's always crummy. My kid just got here, maybe play some basketball with him. He's 9. Troll sr and Troll jr.
  20. I noticed when I first started posting the poetry, that if you press shift then enter it won't double space. I also wish I could diversify my writings, but I just can't help but write about what I feel.
  21. So it's Memorial Day in the United States. This probably one of the harder days for me out of the year. I feel like there's a lot of fake empathy out there for soldiers. Everyone thanks you for your service, but the lives a lot of us are living are pretty sad. I've been going to mental health at the VA for about 5 years. I've seen a lot of pain, I've seen a lot of people not make it. Last year I attended a PTSD clinic coupled with a substance abuse program at the St Pete, Florida VA. It's supposedly ranked #1 out of all the ptsd programs in the country. I did that program with people that flew in from all over the country. While I was there, someone committed suicide out in the parking lot, literally right outside my room at the dorm we stayed at. It triggered a lot of us, because not only did we have to fight the battle of being combat veterans trying to cope with being a civilian again, but we were battling drug addiction, and a depression that disconnects most of us. I've also spent a lot of time in the psych ward, they call it an Acute Recovery Centery (ARC), and being in and out of there so many times I've seen and met many soldiers struggling. Everyone from nam to Korea to Gulf War to the current wars. So not only do I remember my family members that have served, and the ones I had to partake in a ramp ceremony for, but I especially remember the ones that are in the psych ward or in some intensive out/in patient programs. Didn't mean to write a novel, but I ramble a lot.
  22. Look at Frost go! Sometimes I feel like I have to explain myself before posting a poem. I do not think I am better than anyone on here, I actually depend on good civilians. To me, the military can shape how a country is, but the civilian populace will make the world turn. I wrote this today, because it is memorial day, it's actually the hardest day out of the year for me. First the love was there, Then the loss that came, If you choose to be hurt, The hate will rise above, Animal triple combat, A threat with a force, Genocide isn't matter of fact, Only to war monger, I wouldn't expect you to understand so please isolate me, Eyes fixed as they fade away, No tomorrow for them, That's the price they paid, What other honor than to fight? The only time a solider dies is when you willingly forget them, Some guys will marry a girl, The only love I have, Is the entire world at war, You want it politically correct, Send me to the battle because when i pull the trigger I don't feel anything, First the love was there, Then the loss that came, If you choose to be hurt, The hate will rise above, You think of your success by collection of paper, Coward beta male you're nothing but a faker, You act real tough on the corner smoking w eed, You sacrifice morals because all you know is greed, Then you'll have the misconception to thank me, I call it a walk in the park, you call it insanity.
  23. Acknowledged damnation, Four horsemen creating their own hope, I pray for coming violence, Because God's tired heart is broke, Burning the past, Like a bridge in this filthy temple, Shadow man's whisper, Dying for our sins is never so simple, Santa has killed Jesus, Google has taken down the faith, It's all been a lie, We are not the master race, Watching the world struggle, To live happy is to sell your soul, Devil makes many servants, Hurting ourselves for what they stole, Desire design isn't awake, Piles of ash in the Divinity's plan, Pride goes before the fall, Only in sin is the life of a man, Breathing oxygen is a disease, You'll be forced to make ill choices, Angels will fight for you, Why do they feel like forsaken voices? Eh, not my best. I have been struggling writing the past week. I've been distracted. Just wanted to add that I'm really happy seeing all these new posts. Really great stuff, I really enjoy reading everyone's post. And Para has the first drawing on this thread, I really like it.
  24. I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure people posted drawings and paintings in the last thread random. By writing, it relieves the intense feelings sometimes and can give me a since of pride. I'm sure others would say the same. I shared a poem on the other site, it's just a little graphic. Can't really post it here. I started another one on the bus, maybe will finish later. And sometimes I will listen to music and write a poem, I think they are called lyric poems Random. The first one I posted I ended up naming Great White, because I wrote it to Marilyn Manson's Great White World. The one you quoted was written to Hatebreed's Honor Never Dies. Not exactly to the song, I just choose a beat or a rift to write something to. I don't do that every time. And yea Abandon I'm glad Dog is here with us again.
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