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LemonLime81

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About LemonLime81

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  1. Hi-- I'm suffering from severe depression and anxiety and often find myself getting very angry when friends/family (especially family) try to prod me into being more socially active. They do it nicely and tell me they want to see me happy, but still I can still feel myself getting mad. My mother sat down and talked to me today and mentioned that I don't run anymore or go to museums or spend time with anyone outside my home really, and she indicated that I might feel better if I became more active. I could feel my whole body tense up as she was talking. I can barely get out of bed some days, and of course I'm well aware that I've become a virtual hermit over the last year or so. Anyway, just wondering if anyone else becomes highly irritated when others try to prod them into action. I never show any outward anger, but inside I'm boiling.
  2. I'm in my mid-30s and have been suffering from severe depression and anxiety for most of my life. When I was in college, I had a number of classes with a very intelligent, beautiful, nice girl who shared a lot of my interests. She liked me and always tried to get me to take her out, but I never did (even though I wanted to so badly with all my heart). My anxiety and depression were really bad at the time (as they've always been), and time went by, school ended, and we went our separate ways. I've thought about her through the years and how my life might have turned out if it wasn't for this illness. Then, the other night, for some odd reason, I had a really vivid dream in which I was living a really happy life while married to her. I don't know why I had the dream, but I woke up the next day and, unusually for me, cried. I didn't just shed a few tears. I, a grown man, cried until I shook and my stomach hurt. I've been exhausted anyway for the last few weeks and I think having this dream was sort of a representation of everything I've missed out on in life. I don't if anyone else has ever felt this way, especially when it comes to missed opportunities for true love, friendships, etc., but....it hurts. It really hurts. Depression is a prison. Thanks for reading.
  3. I may be ridiculed for what I'm about to write, but I wanted to get it out there and see what others thought. I've suffered from such severe depression and anxiety for a long time that I've become really isolated except for my parents and siblings (I'm 34). I've needed a hug for a long time (many, many months), and as I was laying awake with insomnia again tonight, I began to seriously consider the possibility of paying a woman to give me a platonic hug. Nothing sexual or even romantic about it. I alternate between feeling stressed out and numb, and I could really use this. Anyway, these are my random thoughts at 5 am. I'm not even sure I would go through with it. I just know that I'm desperate to isolate myself, while also desperate for human contact at the same time. Thanks for reading.
  4. Hello-- I just joined the forum because I'm not sure what else to do. I'm a 33-year-old male who is suffering from some sort of severe depression and anxiety. Here's a (hopefully) brief summation: I feel like I've been depressed since I was around 13 or 14, and it has continued to get worse over the years. I did really well academically in college, and got into a good graduate school to study American history in 2004. I finished all of my graduate courses, but never did my Master's thesis. This was about the time when things really went downhill. I started to put off meeting with my adviser and procrastinating on picking a Master's thesis topic. Eventually, I simply dropped out. The anxiety was a big part of the problem. In classes, I hardly ever spoke, and would have panic attacks before most class sessions (which generally consisted of everyone sitting in a circle and discussing the book that had been assigned for that week. After I dropped out, I began to work a series of jobs that were more and more menial. I worked as a file clerk for an accounting company, and then as a caregiver for a woman with a spinal injury. I eventually began doing very menial work on the Internet (freelance writing)--which paid every little. My parents were at least somewhat aware of my depression and encouraged me to move back to my home town for a bit to stay with them and try to improve my life, which I did. I feel lost and in a fog. I've got nearly continuous anxiety, and it has now extended to an odd sort of body dysmorphia where I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I can't bear to be in direct sunlight whenever I am around people because I feel ugly. I've got terrible insomnia sometimes, and other times I sleep excessively and find it really hard to wake up. I used to cry every once in awhile, but even that seems to have stopped. The anxiety has made being with people very tough. I seem to read things into their faces' that aren't even there. I feel like everyone hates me and wants to get away from me as soon as I walk into a room. Every tiny little thing I do wrong is played on an endless loop in my head. The extent of the anxiety scares me: For example, I'll be really hungry and will want to go into the kitchen for something to eat, but if I know people are in the kitchen or the nearby living room I won't do it. Same with going to the bathroom. I'll wait until I don't have to talk to anyone--even if it's a friendly family member. Some irrational part of my mind thinks they're going to lash out at me (for what, I don't know) The anxiety is obviously very extreme, but I think there might be some paranoia going on now, too. I've noticed a few other odd things: On some days, my mind seems to race at break-neck speed. I continue to take up new activities that I cant stick with. One day it's learning Spanish, another day it will be sketching/drawing, another day training for a marathon, and another day I've got tunnel vision on learning the piano. It's been like this for many years but seems to have gotten worse over the last few years. All my life I've found small talk difficult, and have always been interested in things like science, philosophy, history, kindness toward animals, and the origin of life on Earth. Finally (deep breath), I've ruined my finances and any chance at a future. I've got tens of thousands of student loans from college that I long ago stopped paying. I haven't filed taxes (as a self-employed person) in four years (not that I made that much) because I knew I couldn't pay what I owed and was scared. I'm also drowning in credit card debt. The depression got so bad about five years ago that I literally couldn't work: It's hard to describe what this feels like--to watch your credit slowly destroyed but too scared--and too exhausted--to either reach out for help or hold any kind of real job. I cried about it--as a grown man--for a long time. Eventually, I couldn't pay my bills and was semi-homeless for a year. I stayed in a cheap hotel most of the time, but sometimes at the end of the week I didn't have enough money left and would drive over to the local university (that I had previously dropped out of) and sit at one of the tables outside the library all night with my laptop pretending to work. I felt absolutely and completely pathetic. Eventually, I found a stable place to live (with a roommate) for a few months until I finally moved back to my home-town to stay with family members. It's been 2 years now and I'm still here. I tell all my family members and my friends that I'm doing freelance writing work--and I sort of am--but what I'm really doing is writing really useless articles full of prescribed key-words so that random companies can improve their search rankings on Google. I'm so exhausted--and so burnt out--that I''m down to making only $80 per *week* or so. It's pretty bad. Things are about to come to a head, and it's going to be really bad for me. I will likely need to declare bankruptcy and could be in a bit of legal trouble for falling behind on my taxes. I'm sitting here in a dark room shaking, because my family doesn't know how bad things are for me, and they are about to find out. I'm pretty much made everything in my life worse by ignoring it for many years, and now I'm going to have to face everything in the next few weeks or so. I'm sorry this introduction was so long. Thanks for listening on this rough night.
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