Hello-- I just joined the forum because I'm not sure what else to do. I'm a 33-year-old male who is suffering from some sort of severe depression and anxiety. Here's a (hopefully) brief summation: I feel like I've been depressed since I was around 13 or 14, and it has continued to get worse over the years. I did really well academically in college, and got into a good graduate school to study American history in 2004. I finished all of my graduate courses, but never did my Master's thesis. This was about the time when things really went downhill. I started to put off meeting with my adviser and procrastinating on picking a Master's thesis topic. Eventually, I simply dropped out. The anxiety was a big part of the problem. In classes, I hardly ever spoke, and would have panic attacks before most class sessions (which generally consisted of everyone sitting in a circle and discussing the book that had been assigned for that week. After I dropped out, I began to work a series of jobs that were more and more menial. I worked as a file clerk for an accounting company, and then as a caregiver for a woman with a spinal injury. I eventually began doing very menial work on the Internet (freelance writing)--which paid every little. My parents were at least somewhat aware of my depression and encouraged me to move back to my home town for a bit to stay with them and try to improve my life, which I did. I feel lost and in a fog. I've got nearly continuous anxiety, and it has now extended to an odd sort of body dysmorphia where I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I can't bear to be in direct sunlight whenever I am around people because I feel ugly. I've got terrible insomnia sometimes, and other times I sleep excessively and find it really hard to wake up. I used to cry every once in awhile, but even that seems to have stopped. The anxiety has made being with people very tough. I seem to read things into their faces' that aren't even there. I feel like everyone hates me and wants to get away from me as soon as I walk into a room. Every tiny little thing I do wrong is played on an endless loop in my head. The extent of the anxiety scares me: For example, I'll be really hungry and will want to go into the kitchen for something to eat, but if I know people are in the kitchen or the nearby living room I won't do it. Same with going to the bathroom. I'll wait until I don't have to talk to anyone--even if it's a friendly family member. Some irrational part of my mind thinks they're going to lash out at me (for what, I don't know) The anxiety is obviously very extreme, but I think there might be some paranoia going on now, too. I've noticed a few other odd things: On some days, my mind seems to race at break-neck speed. I continue to take up new activities that I cant stick with. One day it's learning Spanish, another day it will be sketching/drawing, another day training for a marathon, and another day I've got tunnel vision on learning the piano. It's been like this for many years but seems to have gotten worse over the last few years. All my life I've found small talk difficult, and have always been interested in things like science, philosophy, history, kindness toward animals, and the origin of life on Earth. Finally (deep breath), I've ruined my finances and any chance at a future. I've got tens of thousands of student loans from college that I long ago stopped paying. I haven't filed taxes (as a self-employed person) in four years (not that I made that much) because I knew I couldn't pay what I owed and was scared. I'm also drowning in credit card debt. The depression got so bad about five years ago that I literally couldn't work: It's hard to describe what this feels like--to watch your credit slowly destroyed but too scared--and too exhausted--to either reach out for help or hold any kind of real job. I cried about it--as a grown man--for a long time. Eventually, I couldn't pay my bills and was semi-homeless for a year. I stayed in a cheap hotel most of the time, but sometimes at the end of the week I didn't have enough money left and would drive over to the local university (that I had previously dropped out of) and sit at one of the tables outside the library all night with my laptop pretending to work. I felt absolutely and completely pathetic. Eventually, I found a stable place to live (with a roommate) for a few months until I finally moved back to my home-town to stay with family members. It's been 2 years now and I'm still here. I tell all my family members and my friends that I'm doing freelance writing work--and I sort of am--but what I'm really doing is writing really useless articles full of prescribed key-words so that random companies can improve their search rankings on Google. I'm so exhausted--and so burnt out--that I''m down to making only $80 per *week* or so. It's pretty bad. Things are about to come to a head, and it's going to be really bad for me. I will likely need to declare bankruptcy and could be in a bit of legal trouble for falling behind on my taxes. I'm sitting here in a dark room shaking, because my family doesn't know how bad things are for me, and they are about to find out. I'm pretty much made everything in my life worse by ignoring it for many years, and now I'm going to have to face everything in the next few weeks or so. I'm sorry this introduction was so long. Thanks for listening on this rough night.