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About Babycakes12

  • Birthday 10/02/1997

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    Art, Music, Writing, Hiking, Camping, Cooking, Nature, Animals, Sleep

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  1. hope youre doing fine

  2. Today has been a good day. I went out to eat with a friend, and it was a nice change. a scary one.

  3. This is going to be a short entry, but I have been busy lately, and I didn't have the time. I have a little time now. today has been pretty good. slow, but good. Day 6 on Zoloft, and im feeling sluggish. more than t he past couple days. ive just been lazy and zoned out. Not that great when I have a little girl to take care of. I havnt have an anxiety attack in 3 days, and that's a new record. ususally I can expect one once a day. which really got on my nerves. I really hope I can keep this up. and I hope the meds keep working. its feels good to shower and get ready in the morning. it really helps me get through my day. sometimes, I cant even make myself do it. that's when I know im getting pretty bad. but I just did it because I felt the need to. and that feels AMAZING!! im dredding the next time ihave an episode. I kknow its not that far away. Im starting to stress about finding a job and getting money. That new stress is kind of pushing it. I really hope it doesn't push me over the edge. I hope you all are doing well. next time, im going to focus on my role as a mother and how my mental illnesses effect it.
  4. I have five cats, so I cant disagree with anyone!! lol
  5. Today is better. Im doing ok. Drawing is the goal for today and every sunday!!

  6. I know it can be hard when nothing seems good anymore. that's how I feel almost everyday. but I like to think of the things that makes me happy still. One thing that makes me really happy, Is drawing. No matter what, no matter where, I am never far from my sketch book and I can pick it up in a moment of stress to get a moment of zen. It clears my mind and helps me focus on one thing. What are some things that make you guys happy and can make your day better??
  7. Good afternoon. Today I have wanting to pick back up my sketch book. but it been so long, I am having a very hard time. I miss being able to draw anything and everything. now I can barely think of stuff to draw. I think that's why I quit in the first plave. but I want to get back to doing what I love. How do you guys find motivation to keep going and to not give up??
  8. Don't be afraid to message me. I log on regularly
  9. small rant. My boyfriend has a job writing (temporary job, and pay depends on him) on his laptop. I wont go into speciefics, but he has to write kind of a lot. now, its almost everyday for more that 5 hours at a time. I am very depressed right now and I don't have any friends in the town I live in. Or any friends for that reason. I am ok with him writing and everything, but he doesn't talk to me for hours. and it really has an effect on me. sometimes it can start big fights. its hard for me to understand this is more than a want for him. But honestly, I don't think it really is. I am boring and annoying, and I swear that's what he thinks. he says no, but I cant ever believe people anymore. ive been sitting for 3 hours with nothing to do and hes still just as happy as can be. then theres me, getting worse every single minute. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. whenever I try to talk to him about it, he laughs, it starts fights or he doesn't understand. im loosing my mind
  10. My real name is not important, so I go by S. I am 18 years old. i live with my boyfriend(J) and my daughter(K). I have graduated from high school despite having a child at the age of 14. I was diagnosed with anxiety at the age of 9. Then at 15 depression and social anxiety. Recently I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am currently on Zoloft, only just started it. So far i haven't noticed any major symptoms and its been 3 days. I hope to log my progress with Zoloft. I haven't always been distant and shy. It wasn't until after i had my daughter i started pushing people away. I moved constantly so i never kept any friends i would make. Years of isolation makes it hard to even be in a room with more than 3 other people. I have trouble going out into public and having to talk to people one on one. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Although i think our relationship didn't really start for another 1.5 years. It was long distance and he rarely talked to me. I put up with it because i knew we would have a good future. He isn't the father of my daughter, and that how i knew. HIm and i have known eachother for over 10 years. when we were kids, we "dated" ironically enough, He was my first boyfriend and first kiss and i was his first girlfriend and first kiss. i hope we are eachothers lasts as well. He is an amazing father for my daughter and love them both to death. Before him, it was just her and i living with my controlling mom. September of last year, my mom fell into a very deep depression. It was very hard for everyone. She went into the hospital as we were losing our house. That left me (17 at the time) to pack and clean and move. I had to get rid of 2 dogs and a cat i had had for more than 3 years. i had to sell stuff to try and make money for my daughter and i. And when it was all over, i was Home less with my daughter. If i didn't have my boyfriend i have no idea what would have happened to my baby and i. I still feel like i can walk back into my old house in my old town. That everything will be the same. My dogs will be there. my fluffy cat. I cant seem to get over it. And its driving me nuts. i wake up in the middle of the night due to dreams that take place at my old house. I wake up sweating, shaking, and crying. i cant stop it, it just takes time for me to calm down. i hate when it happens and my daughter is in the room with me. She gets frightened and confused. she shouldn't have to see her mom doing that. Some days are better than others. If i can stay active and productive, i will usually have a good day. but if i don't, Then i have a bad day. A lot of the times is how i wake up in the morning. If i wake up with my boyfriend with me and we get up fairly quick i usually have a pretty good day. If we lay in bed awhile, i get slow and lazy and usually ends in a lazy day. If i wake up without him i get sad. causing a bad day. then if i lay by myself for awhile, that's when things get ugly. I get to a point where i just want to die. Wishing i wouldn't have woken up. Everyday gets harder and harder. every bad day anyways. There are more bad than good. It really hurts. I know J hurts just as much, or even more than i do. I try and try every single day to have a good day with no fighting or crying or panic attacks. but sometimes its hard. its taking a toll on him for sure. I hate myself for it. He doesn't deserve that from me. I have so much love and support for him, i just wish i wasn't sick so i could just show him. My daughter is the best think that has ever happened to me. She is the only one keeping me alive. if it wasn't for her, i would have given up long ago. But i need to be here to protect her. I had a terrible childhood, with countess sexual, physical and mental abuse. I will never let anything happened to my daughter. I just cant trust anyone really. Sounds terrible, but i am her safe haven. The one person to come to and feel 100% safe and happy. I will stay in this world only for her. She is 3 and in preschool. She is so smart, her teachers always tell me how impressed they are by K. i knew she would be that way, just like i was. I plan on making sure my daughter has an amazing future and life. That's why i need to get better. A few last words before i wrap up, my life hasn't been easy. but that doesn't mean im going to give up. Im strong, just like all of you out there. we can do this, together. Until next time
  11. Hi everyone. I am suffering from PTSD, Anxiety, Panic attacks and depression. I havnt had a real friend in over 3 years. Maybe even more. I now live with my boyfriend. Of course he is my friend, but it seems like he is my only friend. I really don't talk to people. But that needs to change. I have problems with social anxiety, and I feel as though if I started talking to some people one here, I could move forward and try making friends while im out and about. If anybody else needs a friend or someone to talk to, say it. and talk to each other. I am hoping this could help me and anyone else who gets on here!!
  12. I just need somene to talk to

  13. Hi there. I wanted to know your opinions. Do you think its better to take Zoloft with or without food? and what about morning vs. nights?? I just started taking Zoloft and its my 3rd day today. just trying to set up a schedule/routine for it so I will never end up forgetting. Thanks!!
  14. I am pretty proud of myself today!! It was a slowish start. but I got my baby to school, went to the bank, picked up my meds. then came home to veg out. At first I didn't think it was a good idea, I didn't wanna just sit and get worse. But it actually helped this time. I truly relaxed. Got my car back from the repair, only a $49 repair!! so happy about that. Feelin good I get my baby from school. come home, do dishes, fold laundry, sewed ripped clothes, rolled cigs and painted my nails. I didn't mention that I actually took the time to do my hair and makeup and put on jewelry. Did some school work online and now to enjoy dinner with my family. Have a great night everyone!
  15. For as long as I can remember, I've hated my body. I have always thought i'm fat, ugly, and just undesirable. After I had my daughter, i was 235 pounds. For 2.5 years, I stayed that way. Then last summer, I lost 50 pounds. I was back to my pre-baby weight, FINALLY. I thought that is what i needed to love myself and to feel beautiful. I soon found out, that my feelings didn't change. To this day, i am 180 pounds and I think I am disgusting. My body is in no way, shape or form in shape. I am flabby and stretched out. sometimes i cant even tell what is fat and what is extra skin. I feel like my face is thinner and that has boosted my confidence. But its still ugly. I have to shave my face. well, my upper lip and the side of my cheeks. But still. i cant stand doing it but i cant stand seeing how nasty i look with hair. My boyfriend thinks im insane and he says i need to love myself. But he doesn't understand. Its not that simple. Hes 160 and 5,6. He used to have a big weight problem, before high school. So hes been there before. But hes never had to hate himself his whole life. He loves me and the way i look. im sure hed lick every part of my body. But because he is so attractive and thin, i have huge doubts that hes going to stay. We have been together for almost 3 years. I don't know why i would still have doubts. That's just the way my body effects my state of mind. I almost feel bad for him. That sounds so, so crazy, but I can't help it. I look in the mirror and cry. Im revolting. I am hating this winter. I just want to get outdoors and try to get into shape. Ive been hiking in the snow i am so desperate for something. I just want to love myself and feel confident. I jut don't think that is ever going to happen.
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