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Everything posted by RiverLight

  1. I wrote a post on this recently, then deleted it. I need to write about this though because it's sooooooo surreal and I don't know what to do with it or what to make of the whole experience. This is a spiritual journey and an awakening that I had. Twelve years ago, I made an "attempt" and then "opened up" just afterwards and starting hearing many voices around me. Prior to my attempt, I did not hear ANY voices. At first, the voices were all dark, evil ones. Then I also experienced benevolent and loving voices. I felt energies around me that were able to move my body and objects that I held in my hands -- all very paranormal and hard to explain. I had been learning about and studying Angels just before my attempt. Fast forward many years to about three years ago. I began channeling the voices in an attempt to only channel the loving beings or presence I experienced. But unintentionally, I also channeled the dark voices too. They would lie to me and would pretend to be loving and helpful. The whole thing was very confusing and disconcerting. I received some accurate predictions through my channeling, which I can only assume came from the loving presence or beings. Fast forward to today. I got overwhelmed by the whole experience in the last month or so. Spirits, deceased spirits, came to me with messages. People I had known in my life, including family members, who had passed away were speaking to me and through me. I was introduced to each one of my Spirit Guides, which included three of the ArchAngels, a Lion Totem Spirit Guide, a Bear Totem Spirit Guide, and a Shaman Guide. I was also given many predictions... I was told that my father will pass away before the end of the year, and it was confirmed for me that I had been sexually abused. I freaked out. Other predictions were made, and I was told that there will be an alien attack and invasion, but not in my lifetime. I was told that Biden will win the election. During all of this, I had asked the Lord for forgiveness of my soul because I wanted the dark voices to leave. Then a few days later, I was asked to be a channel for the Lord, to be a spokesperson for the Lord and to help remove demons and dark entities from people who are suffering from mental illness and other ailments. I was told I would be on stage one day, removing demons with the help of the Lord. I was told that I am a reincarnated Angel of the Lord and that this is why I had been chosen. During all of this, the loving beings removed a dark entity from my own body, and I feel sooooooooo much better now. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Details are hard to explain and describe. And I know how absolutely insane this all sounds -- did I lose my marbles? In my experience, these were real voices speaking through me giving me information and predictions, and making requests of me. I turned down the opportunity to be a spokesperson and on stage removing demons. I asked to have a normal life again, without the voices. I did not want to continue channeling. Despite many different spiritual avenues I tried and protective measures I took, I could not figure out how to only channel the loving beings and not the dark beings. The dark voices really frightened me and disturbed me to the depths of my soul. The things I heard were unspeakable and unthinkable. I got really overwhelmed and did not want my life to drastically change in the ways I was being asked. I asked the Lord for my life to just be normal again. And it stopped -- just like that. It all stopped. I do not hear any voices anymore. They are gone. I do not feel any energies around me anymore and I am not experiencing anything paranormal. All feels back to normal again, but I am not. I am stunned and a bit off kilter. I am processing the whole experience, absorbing all that occurred in the last twelve years. I changed my own spiritual beliefs through this experience. Before all this occurred, I was agnostic, but now I am a believer in an omnipotent, omniscient higher power -- a most loving, benevolent, merciful and forgiving higher power. At one point several years ago, I had experienced the most powerful and ancient wisdom in my third eye -- I was told that it was the Lord's wisdom that I felt. Ok, yeah, so I realize that people will think I have lost it, that it's all medical psychosis. And perhaps it is, but not in my experience. This was my experience of channeling. And now it's over. So as scary as the dark beings and voices were, I also experienced a higher power. I am choosing to be grateful for the experience, it has profoundly changed me and I hope for the better. I will continue to help the world in the ways I am interested in, which is what I asked to do. Please let me help, but in my own way and in the ways that are closest to my own heart. I was given a choice and I was granted my wish. And so it is, and now I am back to a normal life again. No more voices. And it feels good!!!!! I am grateful.
  2. Right now life is a challenge. I am not working, it's COVID, I am not finding many jobs to apply for and I am a bit bored. I go to the beach at least once a week for therapy. I went yesterday with my husband, and today I am going to the beach alone, which I don't mind doing at all. It is very cathartic for me -- the lapping ocean waves, the seagulls, the sand, the sun and just good 'ole R&R. The beach does wonders for me mentally and emotionally so I am going as much and as often as possible, despite the 40 minute drive. I also found out or realized that my boss and my manager did me in at work. They manipulated a situation and deliberately set me up for failure. Now that I see they actually did this to me, I am absolutely disgusted and stunned by their behavior -- SO despicable -- I hope and pray to God that the truth comes out one day about their ineptitude and BS. I hope they both get fired for their lack of skill and leadership, and even more so, I hope they get fired for their lies and manipulations. Justice needs to be served here, even though I am no longer suffering under their thumbs and am thankful to no longer be dealing with their BS. I need to find a boss and people above me who will not feel threatened by my skills and talents. I am not egotistical at work at all or in front of my teammates, but I do shine and I always have. I share my successes, but I don't gloat or brag - I just do my work and try to help others to learn what I know so that they can be successful too. But corruption and ineptitude among the higher ups seems to be prevalent in a lot of work places and it's so very discouraging. My parents keep saying I should open my own business. I just don't know. That would take some funding, which I don't have at the moment. Because of all of this I had a cloud of depression hanging over me yesterday, but today it seems to have lifted. I don't remain depressed for very long when I do go down that spiral. My husband bought me a huge bouquet of my favorite flowers to cheer me up. I am looking at them now and they do put a big smile on my face. He keeps buying me fresh flowers to keep my spirits up -- very sweet! So I am sitting here in my living room about to head to the beach, and I am listening to one of my favorite older bands from my earlier years in adulthood. It brings me back to my days of living in Colorado - when life seemed much more simple and free. Today I think I will take a nice long walk along the shore. Maybe I will pick up seashells for my collection. I am going to hold onto hope and positive thoughts today. And in about one month I turn 50. WOW. I guess I am feeling rather reflective and pensive given that fact. I don't feel my age -- to me, I am forever 32 or 33 in spirit. So, on that note, it's time to get my suit on, pack up my cooler, get in my car, blast my favorite songs and drive to the ocean -- my haven, my therapy.
  3. One way out of depression for me was to focus on a goal of mine, whether that be a small goal or a larger one. When I was in my worst depressed state, I was living at home with my parents at the age of 42, I had lost all independence as I knew it, and my greatest dream had been crushed. I was suicidally depressed for 8 months straight. I came here, and people helped to keep me afloat for those 8 months. I was in a pit of despair. I was only working one very small part time at home gig (consulting) and earning very little money. Well, because I had to earn more money and work full time to get out of my situation, I decided to take a professional development course. I forced myself to study the videos and take notes every single day, even though 100% of me wanted to just crawl back in bed and disappear from the world... forever. But I forced myself every day for two plus months to do this course and to finish it. I took the final exam and failed the exam because of my lack of concentration and depression, which meant I did not receive the actual professional certificate. But I did not care. I still earned it in my mind and added the course to my resume and spoke of the course in interviews. After finishing the course, some time later, I landed a full time job. So, my goals were: 1) to complete the course and 2) to land a full time job. I focused on both the entire summer, and man, did it feel like the biggest accomplishment ever to help myself like I did, even in the depths of my depression. And lo and behold, accomplishing those goals lifted my self esteem again and gave new or renewed energy in life. My depression lifted. I started working full time again and my self esteem soared. It took me eight full months to come out of it, but I did it. So my advice is to focus on a goal you really want to accomplish in life, go out and achieve it -- even if it takes baby steps each day to achieve, at least you're working towards something that will help pull you out of a rut and a hole. It worked for me. And working on one's self esteem does wonders for depression. My two cents!!
  4. I feel far better. Yesterday's tears were cathartic.
  5. Since I wrote this blog post, both the CEO and the VP wrote me the most positive and glowing recommendations for my LI profile. So I got what I needed from them.
  6. Yep - I could run things my way and choose the clients I want to work with. Many benefits to going solo. No more toxic bosses - no more insane office politics. I’m thinking on it!!
  7. I know. My husband is upset that I am still allowing the CEO to help me. I agree that it's not a good situation, but the bottom line is, he has contacts, he is well connected in the digital marketing world, the market is oversaturated with highly qualified candidates due to massive layoffs, and I need every little bit of help I can get to obtain a job. I have seven months to find a job while on unemployment benefits, and it could be challenging, especially since I want a higher level role. On the flip side, my parents are encouraging me to go into business for myself. I do have ten years of experience under my belt, and I probably could obtain clients if I created a website and marketed it. I don't feel entirely ready for that yet, but I may just bite the bullet, forget my fears and do it. I have to think more on it.
  8. I'm having a really hard time today. I finally have broken down. I've been acting all stoic, trying to be super strong and positive-minded for months, and today, I finally cracked and broke into tears. Everything finally hit me really hard today, and brought me to my knees - dealing with a toxic boss and a most toxic work environment for two years straight, then COVID hits, then I get laid off, then to top it all off, my former CEO hit on me yesterday while at lunch together. For some reason, it was the final straw that sent me over the edge, and today I've been in tears on and off all day. I'm a big puddle. And all this time, I've put a big smile on my face, I've been positive for all those around me, trying to lift everyone else up and trying to keep my own spirits up as well. Well, I cracked. I cannot be positive or strong all the time, and I feel really weakened. I didn't eat all day either. I finally forced myself to reheat a piece of pizza. When I get like this, I don't eat. How's everyone else doing? Tough times these days for most, I'm sure. COVID is making things really hard, though I've run across a few people in my life who seem unaffected. Good for them, I say. I'm happy that some seem to be doing well through this crazy time in our lives.
  9. AND..... icing on the cake. I had lunch with me CEO -- he is going to help me after all, but he also hit on me! ARGH! He knows I am married. But he hit on me anyways. We used to talk a lot and we've spoken on a personal level. I suppose that was a mistake because he must have taken that to be an invitation, which it WAS NOT. I am really disgusted.
  10. THANK YOU SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
  11. I was recently laid off due to COVID. And honestly, I am relieved. I am far happier now that I am no longer dealing with such a corrupt, unhealthy and toxic company. The leadership throughout from the CEO and downwards was lacking in ethics, morality and effective leadership. I was asked to lie to my clients. I had a co-worker above me who tried to take all the credit for my hard work right in front of me while we were on a client call. My boss took credit for all my hard work and lied to the CEO, downplaying all of my greatest achievements and taking credit for them himself. He was also trying to undermine my success and my ability to rise to a higher level position. Even the CEO himself talks out of both sides of his mouth and lies to his employees. The company continued to lose important clients, especially from my own team. And that's because my boss is not an effective leader. I did not lose a single client and had 100% client retention for the two years I was there. After they told me I was being let go, I asked two colleagues, whom I had helped in a major way, to write me recommendations on LinkedIn. I contacted both people twice within two weeks, and never heard from either one. One of them I had saved from losing a most important client because his team was failing at their job. I came in, offered my help and saved the day for them and saved them from losing this big client. And what kind of thanks do I get? NONE. No recommendation, no 'thank you' or 'excellent work'. The other colleague had offered that I use her as a reference. But, she also has not replied to my request for a brief, written recommendation. And I had helped her on a few occasions too. She had even told me 'you are amazing', on the day I was laid off. Incredible. You go out of your way for your colleagues and get nothing in return. That says a LOT about their character. Clearly, they have NO character. And, when the CEO let me go, he had offered his help with my resume, he offered to contact his entire network and forward my resume along to his contacts. He also offered to meet me for drinks to discuss my future path. Has any of that occurred? NO. And we had a great rapport, or so I thought. We even spoke on a personal level on the phone a couple times within the last 2 months, and had hour long phone calls, just the two of us. I forwarded my resume to him a week and a half ago. He replied, saying he has some thoughts for me, but never followed up. This also tells me a lot about HIS character - not so great. On the flip side, I have an interview on Tuesday for a Director level role. I am ecstatic. The company looks amazing, it's an award-winning design and marketing company, and I am speaking with the CMO who is an award-winning marketing executive. This has been my ideal company to work for, and I've wanted a boss above me who is smarter than me, more accomplished than me and who is highly adept at what they do. This could just be it for me -- potentially. I couldn't be happier or more thrilled about this interview. So my former company can literally go F themselves. I will be vindicated once I land a Director level role, especially given the lies my boss told and the fact that he tried to hold me back and down within my position. I will show them ALL what exactly I am made of and how far I can truly go. I aim to be a VP one day. And I know I will get there. I'm on my way already. So F you to them. I'm glad they laid me off. And I'm glad I now have the opportunity to seek a far better position working for a far better organization. And one day, after enough time has passed, I will write a scathing review of their company on Glassdoor in a way that cannot be traced back to me. And that will be my revenge.
  12. Thanks very much. I was already looking and wanting to leave - since January. This is a blessing in disguise. Problem is, the market is flooded by the unemployed seeking work, so the competition could be fierce. At least I will get paid and have time to find another position. My CEO said he can help introduce me to some people.
  13. Thanks, Sober! I can get unemployment. It's only that the extended or enhanced benefits end next week and Congress is about to pass a new bill on whether they will extend the additional pay and for how long. I am on edge, watching the news and waiting to hear what the bill says when it passes. I really need those additional funds to make ends meet. And yes, it's a great time to hide away and take care of my mental health.
  14. Hi everyone. I haven't been on here very much, if at all lately. I got laid off yesterday. It stung and still stings today. On the one hand, I can view this more positively since I hated my company and desperately wanted to leave, but on the other hand, I am now unemployed and have the stress and pressure of having to find a job within a certain timeframe. I pray I will not have to just take the first job that comes along. I hope and pray I can land a far better job this time around. I keep trying to think of any and all positives around this. I can take a much needed mental health break, which I also desperately needed. My job was getting to me. So that's good too. I hope everyone is doing Ok during these crazy crazy times.
  15. Thanks!! Yes, another will come along. I will never give up....
  16. Thanks so much!!! It turns out they wanted someone who would move to Seattle, and I don't want to live in Seattle! And it was more of a sales role, and I have little sales experience in my field Still a disappointment.
  17. Thanks so much, though I got rejected!!! ARGH!
  18. I haven't been on here in a long time! I finally got the call for an interview regarding a Director level role in my field. I couldn't be more thrilled!!!!! The first interview is with HR, so that's just the initial screening before I can talk to the hiring managers. I had begun applying in January and received only one response that did not work out. This is the second response I've received in several months. AND, it's with a Web design company, just the type of company I've wanted to work for, so the role looks like a perfect fit! IF I can finally leave my company, I would be beyond ecstatic. My boss continues to undermine me at work because he fears I could take his job, so he's trying hard to keep me from rising in position by lying to the CEO about my achievements. I began documenting my achievements with HR as a result, but it's essentially a no-win situation. My CEO really likes me and wants to see my rise, but my boss hates me because I'm very good at what I do. And he's the one who will keep me from rising, so I have no choice but to leave. I am not disappointed though, and I am more than happy to leave this company. They run things a-s-s-back-wards, they have very poor leadership, and they place people in management positions who don't belong in those positions. I am more than happy to move on after two years of service. So, I have to kick butt and get this job offer! This would also be a huge increase in salary, which I really want and need right about now. Yay!!!
  19. You know, Sober, I have to say that it's nice to see you have such an optimistic outlook!!!
  20. It’s a double edged sword. My husband’s work is considered essential so he’s still working. I’m beyond grateful for the continued income or else we’d be financially screwed, but he’s exposed to the public every day which worries me. He does wear masks, thank god, and he’s obsessive about cleanliness and wipes everything down constantly. But still. Total lockdown would be really hard. We’re having a tough time as it is.
  21. I’m glad you see hope! Yes this is having a deep negative impact on many I know too.
  22. It's worse than the flu though. They call it a disease. The flu is no disease. It IS deadly though -- very!!! A far higher number of deaths expected next go around. I am very worried. I don't think it's scare tactics -- I think it's precautionary.
  23. What I am even more concerned about now is a second and worse wave of this virus coming along next Fall/Winter as is predicted. An even higher death toll is predicted for the second wave; what will that do to our country, our economy and the global economy? I worry we're only just seeing the beginnings of this and that it is far from over, even if we get past this first hump. I hate to be pessimistic since it's against my nature, but that's what I'm hearing on the news every day, and I think it's very very realistic that this could only get worse as time goes on. And I worry about re-opening parts of the country so quickly. What's going to happen? I don't obsess over this, and I limit my news intake to keep my sanity and mental health in tact, but I'm very concerned about the future outcomes.
  24. Hey Sober. Thanks for caring!! I am hanging in there. This SUCKS and is really really hard, but I am OK! Hope you're hanging in there yourself! HUGS.
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