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RiverLight

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Posts posted by RiverLight

  1. 4 minutes ago, sober4life said:

    Honestly I would just leave the stuff outside and stay at a motel room that day.  I don't even believe you're safe around him.  I don't want to upset you but I wouldn't recommend that anyone in your situation after everything you've said should do that hug goodbye.

    You may be correct. I am worried.. worried about being bullied again. 

  2. 5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

    From what you've said you need a friend there with you when he shows up or all of your friends and local family anyone you can get that's on your side.  Have them do the talking and if possible go somewhere else when this is happening.  In your fragile state it's best that you don't even hear what's going on.  You can't go through this right now but the stuff has to go.  It might even be something you have to call the police for to help you.

    Thanks @sober4life🙂

    I'll still be working when he comes by my apartment. I don't think anyone can come over at that time. I suppose I could just make up the excuse that I have to finish up work, that something came up, and I can only see him for a quick minute to hug him goodbye. I had told him I would give him a hug goodbye yesterday. I forgot to mention that in my post. 

  3. Hi everyone. I've been gone for a couple months and came back on again. I am having massive anxiety attack over seeing my soon to be ex husband tomorrow. He's been really abusive in our marriage, we broke up and separated for 3 months, then tried to get back together, and I broke up with him again saying I want the divorce. 

    He's very domineering, controlling and he bullies me. I am intimidated by him. And right now, I am in a very weakened state. I've gone through SO much in the last 2 months, including bullying in my last job which was traumatic for me, a hospitalization for mental health reasons due to the bullying, then I had COVID, then I quit my job, then I started a new job, all while getting back together with my abuser and trying to see if it could work. 

    I don't have it within me to stand up to him anymore and to his abuse. I used to be able to and I used to confront him every step of the way whenever he became intimidating. I no longer have the strength, so my anxiety is very high right now, in anticipating yet another confrontation when he comes to pick up his belongings tomorrow. 

    I want to avoid getting into a conversation or argument about our breakup. He's looking for an explanation. I told him that my heart is no longer in the relationship, that too much damage has been done, and that I don't trust him. That was all over text the other night. 

    I just don't have it in me anymore to argue with him or stand up to him. What do I do? 

     

     

  4. Just now, iWantRope said:

    There's still insufficient justice if it merely stops at fired; hope her family line ends very destructively as well.

    I don't wish ill upon her beyond getting fired..... I just want justice to be served in this situation. And what happened with her so far has been very unjust and makes me already want to leave the company, when I was SO excited by this job offer and opportunity. 

    🤬☹️

     

  5. I am at the end of my rope! 

    I started my new job last week, over a week ago, and ALREADY I am being severely bullied by a more senior team member who is above me in position but who is not my boss. 

    I can't even believe this.... that yet again, I am being bullied in yet another job, and within my first few days of work!!!!! 

    I did address it with her directly -- what she had done to me that was HIGHLY unethical and WRONG - I mean, just plain WRONG - she usurped my position right off the bat! So I did confront it with her, and I informed my boss of what she had done. 

    Then when I had to get on the phone with her to discuss what had happened (our conflict), she approached me with a very punitive, corrective, superior and negative tone!!!!!! I informed my boss of this as well. 

    Since I am a channel and a medium, I asked my spirit guides/angels what will happen. They tell me she will be fired by the end of this week - and that there has been a litany of similar incidents with her and that this was the final straw. 

    I hope and pray that this information is accurate and true. I will report back here on what happens. 

    However, if this continues and if she remains employed there, I will have to leave. I am most upset. 

  6. 2 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

    Best wishes for you at this time, I have two divorces, my most recent was 5 years ago,  both which involved children too. I understand how completely draining it can be. I am still in mediation with my last wife over custody of my 17 year old boy, who chose last year to live with me. Its not really mediation, its about how she can manipulate and control me.... thats a story for another day

    focus on your job, make new colleagues there and get up to speed as you know you can and will

    YIKES! That's rough!!! 

    And thanks!!!! 

  7. 6 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

    Stress will keep you awake, and you are in a very stressful place right now. I feel for you, but try not to overthink why it is happening, just accept it and try to set a bedtime routine which calms you down, put away the phone, meditate or read.

    fighting for five hours is a waste of so much energy. To win or lose at this point is for the lawyers, let them, he is moved out. You must disengage from the drama to keep your sanity. Do not respond to the prompts. Silence is a winning strategy for your own mental health. Your relationship with him is over so don't respond to him.

    for the divorce, plaintiff or defendent. The result is important, not so much who filed, unless there is an untrue accusation. You need the result quickly so I suggest go with the quickest solution, so long as it is fair.

    strung out, yes, I can see and understand. Protect yourself, try to move on and relax your mind, reduce the anger and resentment and resolve to bring the matter to closure. Your job will be your focus for a while, channel your energy there, to feel better about things that matter going forward.

    hugs

    Thank you! I have legitimate early menopause symptoms and that's why I cannot sleep. It's not due to stress. 

    I am working on negotiating how the divorce agreement is written - I had proposed to my husband that we file for divorce jointly. It's cheapest and fastest this way in the state where we live.

    As the agreement is written now, it appears as though my husband is the one filing for divorce, although this was never communicated to me. And it DOES matter because I am divorcing HIM - I left HIM,  not the other way around. He just wants to be able to say to everyone that HE left ME and that HE divorced ME. That is NOT going to fly for me... unless he truly did file for divorce, then I have no say in the language on the paperwork. 

    I will definitely focus on my job because I have to succeed. I will limit all communication with my husband because he is moved out now and it's now all between our lawyers. It IS stressful and emotional though. Divorce is VERY VERY DIFFICULT, TUMULTUOUS, LIFE CHANGING AND UPSETTING. There is no way around that fact. 

  8. 3 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

    Its me, @river light. New jobs are always stressful, so much happening, dont forget to still take a few discreet seconds for yourself, deep breathing technique will get you through a lot and takes 15 seconds whilst you go to the bathroom......

    it will be ok, stay calm, composed, and carry on!

    THANK YOU!!! Yes, DEEP BREATHS!!! 

  9. 22 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

    I am far from being an expert on the matter, but I am sure things will turn out just fine eventually.  
     

    All the best with your new job!

    Thank you! My divorce is a huge nightmare - all of it. My new job started today and it's been very stressful so far. 

  10. 5 minutes ago, juno_writes said:

    Congrats on having him out of your home and soon out of your life. That's a big step! I hope the wounds from your time together start to heal now that there's no longer constant friction between you.

    I live with an ex-partner myself (he rents my basement). We are friendly, mostly, but there are reasons for us being "ex," and I long to have my own space.

    Thank you! He and I have been at each other's throats, mixed with him pleading with me not to divorce. It's been very up and down, and very crazy making. I am so glad he is finally out!!! I cannot imagine living under the same roof as him, given our dynamic. 

    At least you and your ex are on friendly terms. That helps!!

  11. I woke up at 3 AM this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Granted, I was in bed very early last night, but I am going through peri-menopause and it's making me wake up all night long with night sweats and then I can't get back to sleep. I am beside myself over it because I start work again tomorrow and have NO idea how I will survive when I can't sleep! I was prescribed another anti-depressant that is supposed to help me sleep, but so far it isn't working. 

    My divorce is also wearing on me incredibly. I fought with my husband on Friday for 5 hours over text. I had to meet with my new boss the same day on a phone call, and I was a total emotional wreck and wet puddle. The fight with my husband derailed my plans for the entire day. 

    A silver lining? My husband is now finally moved out and handed over his key to me Friday afternoon. THANK GOD. It took TWO MONTHS for him to move out, which was sheer TORTURE for me because it forced us to consistently be in touch. And being in touch all the time created many fights between us over the last 2 months. We've basically been fighting for 2 months straight, and I cannot take it anymore. So, thankfully, he is moved out and now there is NO reason for us to communicate anymore except through our lawyers. 

    And I am LIVID with him right now because the current divorce agreement reads as though my husband is the one filing for divorce, when that is NOT the case whatsoever. I had asked that we file jointly together, because it's cheapest and fastest. But no, his lawyer drafted an agreement whereby I am the Defendant and he is the Plaintiff. I went ballistic, so now I need to speak with my own lawyer to get this rewritten. I know that my husband did this on purpose because he wants everyone to think that HE filed for divorce and that HE left ME. I left HIM.

    So I am completely strung out and worn out from EVERYTHING. I am crying right now. I hate my husband so very much!!!!! He is a most despicable human being, and I cannot believe I married such a dirtbag. 

    And how am I going to make it in my new job when I wake up at 4 AM every day??? 

  12. 5 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

    I totally understand how hard this all is for you. Try to break it down into what you need to deal with and in what order. Breath!

    Husband - you cannot focus energy there, he is going almost gone, so aside from the paperwork, its a chapter that is closing. Breath

    unemployment and job searching, focus only on the positives the new job will bring, the rest is done. Breath again!

    ex fiance, very sad but nothing you can do to change it, so think about the good times you spent together, not how it ended. Breath, read again this paragraph and let it sink in. 

    a friend with cancer, sorry, maybe they can still recover, there are improvements in treatments developed all the time. She needs you to wish positive energy. Breath and wish. 

    Getting wasted... you are human, its ok, don’t regret it, you needed an outlet. Did it help, probably not, but other than the headache, did it hurt?

    now you can cry because someone cares about you, breath because you care about you and dream, because things are going to change quickly. Hugs.

     

    THANK YOU. :hugs::hugs:

    It's been on thing after another. I got drunk and called everyone in my moment of despair. My father was disgusted with me when I called his house drunk. I don't even recall the conversations I had with various people. It was not worth it. A really stupid move, but I caved under all the stress. All I felt was pure shame the next day. 

    I forgot to also mention COVID and the social isolation to boot. I do not do well being isolated from people. 

    But thank you for breaking it all down for me. My new job starts a new chapter in my life. My divorce will happen soon enough, and he will be out of my life soon enough. I have to see him socially, which makes me cringe and worry, but I won't deal with that for a while still. 

    And my friend has to go through chemo treatments. I don't have hopes that she will survive. It's like stage 3 or 4 cancer. 

     

  13. 22 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

    You are getting there, too slowly foryou to deal with but you have three days left... don't let your energy go in the wrong places, focus on yourself, self care is your number one objective. 

    I'm trying... but it's SO hard. I've dealt with far too much in the last several months. My husband's abuse towards me, him cheating on me, then more abuse from my husband over the last 2 months, a divorce, unemployment and job searching, then finding out about my ex fiance's suicide, and now I just found out a friend has terminal cancer and has 18 months to live. It's FAR too much for anyone to handle. I got completely wasted the other night as a result of everything. 

  14. I am exasperated, angry, frustrated and fed up. I want my husband OUT of the apartment. It's been 2 months since our separation and he has taken TWO FULL MONTHS to move out all of his belongings, forcing me to deal with him and communicate with him all this time when I want NOTHING to do with him anymore. I want him OUT of my life already! It's been 2 full months of sheer torture. He is supposed to finish moving out this weekend. He almost bailed on me, which would have dragged this out far beyond my deadline, and I wanted to throttle him. 

    I want to throttle him, regardless. He SUCKS. I need peace of mind... I need peace in my life, overall. Which means he needs to go..... now. 

     

  15. 37 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

    I dont know exactly how you feel, but I do know how you feel, kind of hopeless right now! So look at the positives you have mentioned, in one week, the trauma of discussing with him will be over, thats 7 days or 168 hours.... however you break it down, you will be sleeping some of that time, working... exercising, meditating, eating..... the list goes on, focus on the objective.....to-get you,into a calm atmosphere, safely. 
    there is no way to win an argument against a narcissist. Period. Either dont start talking or tackle it from a different angle. Please keep your own mind free of negativity, tackle your new job with vigour as you count down the hours

     

    THANK YOU! 

    No, you cannot win with a narcissist! I just told him I don't wish to talk about what happened any further. I am attempting to completely cut off the entire conversation at this point. 

    And yes! I have more positive things to focus on right now! I need to prepare this week for my new job and I need to get my head in gear for work again and responsibility. It's exciting, really! So, yes, I need to shift focus away from all the negative and towards all the positive. And the less I speak with him, the better I feel. So my goal this week is to not talk to him very much - very little in fact. 

  16. My husband and I fought again this morning, and I honestly just feel defeated. He refuses to take full ownership of his actions and it's infuriating. I blame him for the failure of our marriage and he blames me. We keep fighting about the same things over and over again. 

    In one week he will be fully moved out and then I won't have any reason to continue the argument and no reason to be in touch. 

    But it's seriously infuriating for me and I just cannot win. You cannot win with a narcissist who has to win at all costs. 

  17. Just now, Extremebeginner said:

    Lawyers will certainly fix up the legal side. A mediator may help you both understand why you both feel like you do and may answer questions that will help you grow for your next relationship. Me personally I have unanswered questions, to which I feel that if I had resolved them 6 years ago, they could have helped me become an even better me. Just my experience.

    Hope you get to relax and focus on your new job today

    Thanks very much! 

    My husband is impossible, so a mediator won't work! All he wants to do is make ME responsible for HIS infidelity. I keep fighting him on this point... we are fighting about a lot of points. He's very abusive, he's a liar and a manipulator. It's pathological really. And he is NPD - narcissistic personality disorder. So, he will never own up to his actions OR his abuse towards me. There's no point in trying to talk it through with a professional. It won't go anywhere and it could very likely backfire on me. I just want a divorce. I am doing a lot of healing work on my own. I also have an abuse advocate who counsels me every single week, and I will be joining an abuse support group soon. I know I will be just fine and far happier once this is all said and done. I just need him out of my life for good. 

  18. 8 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

    He cheated, and you cannot accept that. You do not have to accept that. He is angry and you are too, but for each, different reasons. I assume you have no children, so breaking up is to agree who keeps what and then move on. Ideally you should resolve the issues but do it with help, not one on one with him. Use a mediator. Arguing is never successful when emotions are implicated, never. So if you and he cannot talk about things together dont. The silence is better than another fight.

    his threats are a result of his anger. Unless you think that the threat is very real in which case call the police, they will have him assessed at a psychiatric facility, and ensure your safety. It qualifies as a 911 call.

    try to stay relaxed today, hugs

    Thank you! 

    You are 100% correct. We're both angry and for different reasons. A mediator is not necessary since we're divorcing - we each have a lawyer though it's not a complex divorce. I don't think his threats are real. I think he just wants me to feel bad for him and give into him. It's manipulative. 

  19. My husband and I fought badly yesterday and last night. So bad that I ended up swearing at him, saying F you repeatedly. He can be such a jerk! Then he did a 180 degree turnaround and tells me he loves me and cannot stomach this divorce. He told me he doesn't want to live anymore. 

    The drama of this situation is really becoming a bit too much for me. Today it's silence between us. I know that I cannot go back to him, no matter what he says to me. It was an unhealthy relationship fraught with problems stemming all from him. I need to steer clear of him. 

    How do I feel? Gut wrenching pain over my divorce. This is SO hard. 

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