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RiverLight

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Everything posted by RiverLight

  1. Thank you so very much. He passed away today. Thankfully, there was no pain and he went peacefully.
  2. We're all gathering at the hospital today to say our goodbyes. I did spend some alone time with dad last night. I told him what my favorite memories are of him, and thanked him for all that he has done for me, like saving me from a mental breakdown in California and putting a roof over my head when I was in need for four plus years. This is very sad, regardless.
  3. My father is ill in the hospital with an incurable terminal lung disease. His condition worsened after he got covid, from which he never truly recovered. And now, he is on oxygen at the hospital, where he has been for over a week now. His condition is progressively getting worse and worse, and he's dying. I have spent every day at the hospital lately, and will go after work again tonight. I have some mixed feelings because my father was neglectful of me and basically was emotionally abusive towards me as a kid. He is the reason why I ended up in so many abusive relationships as an adult. I have mainly forgiven him and I don't think I hold a grudge, but it does bring up mixed feelings for me now that he's on his death bed and living his last days. I have nothing special to say to him that must be said in private. I have only told him that he's been a wonderful father. I actually don't even have any words, and I don't know WHAT to say to him. I am at a loss for words. The only other thing I feel I could say is that he will be sorely missed, and that we will watch over and will take care of mom in his absence. He's 82 and has lived a full life, but without this disease, he could have lived well into his nineties. My mom is 80, is very healthy and is still full of energy and gusto. I hope she will be OK, but she's never lived alone and has never been alone her entire adult life. So this will be a HUGE adjustment for her, after he's gone.
  4. I did fight back a bit after my review in an email to HR, saying it was an unfair review and counter arguing several points made. He won't break me. I won't let him! The problem is, I could lose my job, based on that horrible review. I meet with my CEO in one week, so I will find out then if I have a job or not.
  5. So apparently my boss feels that I should be smiling and happy despite my horrible review he gave me last week. In our company-wide meeting today, he messaged me asking me why I wasn't smiling. GO FIGURE. You tore me apart last week, and I am supposed to have a strong morale and a big smile on my face?!?!!? Unbelievable!
  6. Well, they can fire me if they can prove I am not fit for the job & don't meet their expectations, and that's what I feel my review was about. And thanks, sober. It is very tough to go through. Who knows how long it will take me to find another job? It could and likely will take several months. In the meantime, I have to suffer.
  7. That's the sense I get from this review, and It makes me feel absolutely horrible. They want me to leave? I feel rejected and dejected. Like I'm being tossed out on the street. But truth be told, I don't want to work for them and determined that weeks ago. Still, I don't know how to survive there now.
  8. The review was all negatives and criticisms, with little mention of any positives, successful projects completed, or work well done. I had to take a medical leave when I first started, then had to return to a greatly modified position according to my doctor's note. It is my belief that they are now creating the documentation needed in order to fire me, and I said as much in my review meeting today with my boss and HR. Due to my "modified" position, I am doing menial work for a very high salary. And I am sure that they resent that. I have asked for more responsibility, however, and more than once. I pushed back on several points in this review meeting, letting it be known that a project I had done all on my own had been completed to my supervisor's satisfaction. He had even told me I had done as well of a job on it as he could have done. But that was omitted from my review entirely. It was stated that I require "heavy oversight" and only one example was cited where I had to repeat work done, whereas all other good work was ignored. The review was biased and skewed. And, now I am thinking IF I AM fired, that I should sue them for wrongful termination. And I would. I am FUMING over the injustice - FUMING. This is the worst review I've ever received in my entire life! And I work very hard at what I do, and for the most part, I do a great job. How am I supposed to have a strong employee morale after that??? How am I supposed to rebound from such a negative review and feel good at work??? How am I supposed to even work now at all??? How can I show up at work and continue to try my best??? I feel SO deflated by this. He punctured my bubble. I stood up for myself in a note to HR after my formal review, but now I feel a huge conflict exists between me and my boss. And there is one now. I don’t like him or appreciate his extreme criticisms. He was waayyy too harsh with me, especially after returning from medical leave. I feel victimized. I am really not happy. How do I get past this so I can continue to do my best???
  9. RiverLight

    Getting there

    True enough! I have fought my way through depression many different times. But I hear ya - I don't want to force it either if I am not feeling it, and especially if someone else is trying to force it, then I resist even more. Sometimes, you just have to sit with how you feel and accept the negativity. And that's OK too. I've been there as well. Sometimes, it feels like there's nothing you can do EXCEPT to sit with it.
  10. RiverLight

    Getting there

    I've read that when a negative thought arises, to try and counter that negative thought with a more positive one... in other words, to take a negative experience and put a more positive spin on it. I've done this, and it has helped me tremendously, especially when I am filled with mainly negative thoughts. It's not forcing yourself to be more positive. It's more of a cognitive behavioral technique I've learned that helps one to feel more positive overall, even when negative things happen. Just some thoughts for you.
  11. I know - my husband tells me to simply exercise vs getting rid of all the junk food he likes to eat. It's sooo much harder to diet when that kind of food is sitting around!
  12. Another person who has been in my life passed away while hiking. Yet another one gone. I've known so many people whose lives have been cut short, it's ridiculous. And so sad. As far as how I am doing? Meh. I am definitely middle of the road these days. I am trying yet again to find a different job. My new-ish job is unsatisfactory, so I interviewed with a company and am waiting to hear back. It's been over a week, and I haven't been rejected nor have I been offered the job. It's frustrating to have to wait this long. Covid persists, and now my husband and I only go out for music once per month. We used to go three-four times a week before covid. It's depressing. Music is/was my therapy. Now I am shopping more to make up for the loss. We collect energy crystals and have a growing collection that is quite beautiful. We're now addicted to buying them because of covid and we're running out of room for them in our apartment. This is a highlight in my life. However, I have gained a LOT of weight, which seriously bums me out. I'm at least ten pounds heavier than 2019 when I had my wedding. I am not happy about it at all and feel terrible about how I look these days. UGH. And it's nearly impossible for me to diet. My husband eats everything and keeps sweets in the house, so I eat them out of boredom, anxiety, stress or restlessness. So there it all is, in a nutshell. Not horrific, but not great either. Here's a portion of our crystal collection:
  13. Thanks, my friend. It helps to not feel alone with this. I am praying that I can return to work though. I really hope I can. I understand the point you've come to yourself. Right now, I am in a similar boat, but I keep fighting to win this battle and overcome the craziness I face at the moment. Hugs to you!!
  14. WOW - HUGE BUMMER happened only just three weeks into my new job. I became very overwhelmed by the stress involved in a very steep learning curve, and for being placed in a pressure cooker environment, that I began to have a breakdown again and had to take a month-long unpaid medical leave. I am still on leave, and I am trying to find ways to support myself financially during the time I am out, and I am pretty much out of luck. My new pdoc added new medications, which haven't helped all too much. I have done exorcisms because a large part of this for me IS spiritual - I hear voices, and energies have been able to move my body and speak through me, when I know it's not ME doing it. It's SO distressing. I even went to a Church to be baptized and asked them to perform an exorcism on me. I am at my wits end with it, and am losing patience. I am trying a number of solutions, including strong medications, but it's been a tough nut to crack. I am very concerned about having to go back to work soon, JUST so I can earn money. If I am still symtomatic, they will likely need to let me go since I won't be able to perform at the level they need. It's scary for me right now, but I am holding onto my Faith in God and in Jesus to pull me through.
  15. Awww, thanks!!! That's really funny and pretty awesome of you!
  16. I have been through the wringer. If it's not one issue or life crisis, there's been another, and it feels like I've gone through one bad experience only to enter another bad experience I have to then again escape from. For example, I was let go from my current company in July 2020 - they laid me off. I had had a difficult experience there. Then I was hired elsewhere, and that place turned into a nightmare, so badly then I ended up hospitalized and sick. Then my old company came back to me and hired me back on. I had no choice at the time but to say "yes" because I was seriously desperate to leave the nightmare and have income and a job. Well, returning to that old environment brought a new set of old issues that the company faces - high turnover, a toxic CEO, really bad leadership and a lean staff. So, then I decided to look around and interview. It took maybe 5 months of grueling interviews and multiple rejections to finally land a job offer. Now, I can finally escape from this most toxic, and horrible work environment. In the meantime, I've been fighting all this time to stay alive, breathing and to remain standing on two feet with a good head on my shoulders. Within the last few months though, I was falling apart underneath all the stress, however, and started drinking nearly every day, even while at work. I would start at 2-3 PM sometimes, and by quitting time, I had had 3 drinks already. I was self-medicating to deal with the enormous amount of stress I faced at work. And, it was a mountain. Eight months ago I returned there, to only have our Director quit within 6 months of being hired, two team members left simultaneously, then they hired a witch of a boss who became a terrorist and a nightmare to work for, then another team member left. WTF?!?! AND, today my CEO tells me that he expected me to remain loyal to the company, even after all of that nonsense?!??! At this point within this company, I have had 4 different bosses, and in only 3 years! FOUR. Two of whom were fired. I wasn't learning a single thing more than I already knew in my own field - I was stagnating and blowing in the wind all by myself, trying to figure everything out for myself without any expert consultation, tutoring or mentoring from someone above me. My CEO has chewed me out for leaving. He is taking it 100% personally that I've decided to quit, 8 months after being rehired. But what does he expect after four people in my dept have left? And when there's no proper leadership in place within the department to help steer and guide all team members? Just what did he expect? So, over the last week or so, he became argumentative with me and antagonistic. And I realize that leaving this company is akin to leaving a toxic relationship and breaking up with a toxic partner. THANK GOD I am leaving. All of this has left me feeling a bit unstable, and I seek stability as well as confidence within myself. I need to enter my new job with a fresh mind, a fresh perspective, optimism and enthusiasm. But, I feel SO tainted after ALL I have been through over the years - it's been years of the same BS, but in different companies. I am worn down, I feel, which makes me concerned. I don't want to lose myself - the upbeat, optimistic, enthusiastic, full of life and full of ideas for improvement person that I used to be. I want to be that person again, but I worry about all this poison ruining that for me. And, it is sheer poison from multiple toxic environments and people that I have ingested into my body, mind and spirit. I need freedom - I need a positive work environment, and I hope and pray that I've found it. It seems like the right place to land, but one never truly knows all until you've been there a few months.
  17. Last week, after months of many failed interviews and after months of sheer anguish, I finally received a great job offer with a new company and finally, I get to leave my toxic work environment! My CEO is reacting very poorly to the news and is behaving like an immature brat. He is not being professional, kind or respectful, so F him. I cannot wait to be out of there - what an awful place to work. So, yeah, I am thrilled - not only that, but I also got a healthy and very generous raise in salary! Wooooooo-hoo.
  18. My husband and I have been back together since June, so 6-7 months. And we've been almost living together fully for the last 3 months. We are happy again and he has changed by 180 degrees. He is sweet, he is loving, he is generous, and he is kind. He is everything I ever wanted him to be towards me. Gone are all the yelling and the toxic elements of our relationship, that all stemmed from HIM. He is in individual therapy and we are also in couples therapy. So I am very happy to say that he has eliminated and ceased all past abusive behaviors. So, we're happy again and he's moving back in officially in Jan/early Feb - it will have been a full year of living apart in separate residences... so this is all very positive! However, I personally have major pandemic fatigue and some amount of depression going on. I've been rejected for 5-6 jobs now and was a finalist in four rounds, getting rejected in the final rounds of interviews. I don't know what's going wrong in that final round, but it's soooo discouraging when I really want another job and to leave my company. And the pandemic has gotten to me. No longer can we see live music 1-2 times per week because all venues close to us have shut down permanently. The one music venue that is live is an hour away, and that's very difficult to do during the work week. So our music therapy is gone! That was my salvation - live music and seeing live music during the week. Now it's gone and it's very depressing. BUT it's Christmas, and I'm not only buying gifts for others but I'm buying gifts for myself too - to cheer myself up. I've been on a spending spree but it's making me happier. We're also quitting smoking and I'm going to exercise again come January - I will swim laps 3 days per week and I really want to get back into shape again. I gained 15 pounds over the last 3 years, so I want to try to shed most of that extra weight so I can feel good and sexy again. I miss feeling that way about my body. So, yeah, it's all a mixed bag right now, but overall, I guess I am really Ok. I am just tired of this pandemic already. I get my booster shot on Dec 19.
  19. My personal Angels told me, once I asked, that I had a curse on my career, so I had them remove it. Well, now, this makes PERFECT sense to me, because I've had one misfortune after another with my career throughout my entire life. I have felt that a force beyond myself and within the universe was at play. A negative force. And there was!!!! I had been told two years ago as well that there was a curse by an astrologist/spiritualist. I did a curse removal ritual to get rid of it, but it wasn't effective. So, now I expect mainly positive things to happen moving forward in my career. It's a good feeling!
  20. Possibly but that could take another six months and I don't think I have it in me to stay six more months where I am. I do like to write, but I live in a very expensive area and wouldn't earn half as much as I do now or as much as I need to make to live.
  21. Yeah, it's hard to know. I am so ready and am dying to leave my current job though.
  22. I hate my job and I want to leave it SO badly. I am interviewing with a company right now that wreaks of eery similarity to a nightmare company I had to leave after only 5 short weeks of employment, except for the position itself. I am waiting to schedule the final round of interviews and my mother tells me to be extremely cautious. IF I get the job offer, I feel I have to take it given my misery in my current company. This may all be null and void because I may not get an offer, but if I do, I feel very torn and stuck. I mean, I truly HATE my current job. It's sheer misery. I feel anything would be better than this. BUT, since this other company is SO similar to a nightmare company I had to leave, how can I comfortably accept an offer if one comes???? This is a most difficult position to be in, and I don't understand it. I mean, I have prayed to God for a great job to come my way - not every day, but frequently enough. And this is what I get? A very difficult choice? I know I am putting the cart before the horse and I may not even be offered the job, but what if I do get it? What do I do??????
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