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RiverLight last won the day on September 8 2018

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  1. OMG - I lost my job last week - last Tuesday to be exact. They told me that my skill set "doesn't match their needs". I did not anticipate being let go, when I wrote my last entry about being excited for this new year. Forget quitting smoking - not now. I am far too stressed. I sort of thought I would eventually be let go, but I really did not expect it. I thought I was doing a good enough job - but apparently not good enough for them. On my last website audit that I did by myself, my boss told me he would grade it as a B or a B-, which was an improvement from a C when I first handed it in. I thought after that audit that they would be willing to work with me, give me some slack to grow and learn, and give me more time to improve upon my work. But no, they let me go instead. And, I think it was that audit that helped them to decide to let me go. On the flip side, I am slightly relieved that I don't have to work there anymore. I didn't feel valuable in the company. Their expectations were SO high, like almost impossibly high, that I felt I could never measure up to their insanely high standards. They expected me to be operating at a level higher than where I am. The CEO is an anal perfectionist, making it impossible to feel like your work is ever good enough. Whereas in the job before that, I was a senior level digital marketer where I felt very valued for my work. The expectations in that company were very different. But, all this last week I've been in a panic. I took out a large bank loan the day I was let go in order to make ends meet. I cannot live on unemployment benefits alone. I cannot move because that would cost me several thousand dollars, which I don't have. I could get a roommate to help split bills, but that's the LAST thing I want. The last time I lived with a stranger, it turned into a nightmare - like a serious nightmare. She was an awful person, and I didn't know this when we first moved in together. I vowed then that I would never live with a stranger again. And, since I kicked out my husband, I have to manage bills and rent all by myself. I will not ask him to move back in - NO. I am basically beside myself with worry and fear. The last time I was job searching, only one year ago, it took multiple rejections in the final round of interviews before I received a job offer. I pray to God that this time will be different. I did gain a few new skills from this last experience, so that's good at least. I have to lie on my resume though about my successes in this job because I had none. No feathers in my cap to speak of. I have to fabricate successes and lie to employers about my work at this company. Despite my concerns, I am still trying to be optimistic and positive. I have got to keep my spirits up and positive. I am not letting my husband know that I lost my job. I don't want him knowing. If I tell him, he will interpret it as a way back into my life. He will see it as a weakness, where I need help. I cannot let him know. But, deep down, I am scared and am freaking out. Every day, I use positive affirmations to talk myself out of my fears. I have to get a high salary, a salary that I worry my skill set doesn't warrant. But I've achieved that high of a salary twice, so why not a third time, right? Fake it 'til you make it, right? I have got to - it's the only way forward. So, that's my latest news. A complete monkey wrench. I lost my dad, then I had to go through a separation and now a divorce, and now simultaneously, I've lost my job. It comes in threes, right? I hope that's the end of it, and I pray I get a job quickly. I will pray every day for help.
  2. Thanks, Sober! I am actually pretty athletic - so, I just need to get myself back in shape and I can do all these things again fairly easily. I grew up skiing, hiking and camping, so it's like second nature to me - no pun intended, lol. And yes, I am very happy these days and am very much looking forward to my new, far more positive life! ❤️
  3. I am excited about this new year. I have many goals and dreams to accomplish, starting first with improving my health. I am quitting smoking, I will start exercising and I wish to lose 10 more pounds. I want to get back to the weight I was at before I met my abusive husband, who only just encouraged me to eat junk food and to GAIN weight. I swear that he wanted me to be fatter so that I wouldn't get so much attention from men while we were out. He always commented on how men would eye me up and down when I was a lot thinner. He also would swat away pretend men while we were lying in bed, saying "get away. Get your own. She's mine" kind of things. Well, that's all over and I am out now. Soon we will file for divorce - this week in fact. I am signing the divorce papers tomorrow and he has already signed his. I am really looking forward to being completely free of him in all ways. I will also join an outdoor activities group this year and am looking forward to it. I have neglected a very important side to myself in my marriage and stopped doing all the things I love and enjoy - skiing, hiking, roller blading and kayaking to name a few. My husband was riddled with physical ailments and couldn't do anything that was physically strenuous on his body, including even walking downtown with me because his feet hurt. Well, no more neglect of self. This year, I aim to fill my life up with all that I love doing and I aim to take far greater care of myself, of my health and of my well being. I vow to myself to do these things FOR ME. I am already far happier without him in my life. I got lost in my relationship - buried to an unrecognizable degree. And now I am free! I can be myself and I find myself returning to my happy go lucky spirit that has always been there, but was lost and gone for five years. I feel joyful again. I feel like ME again. I am so blessed and feel so lucky that I got out of my relationship this go around without any real pain or heartache. I don't even love him anymore and have told him this multiple times as a reason for divorce. So, here's to new beginnings, to a healthier lifestyle and to healthier choices! I have learned many lessons and will be applying those going forward. No more toxic people in my life and no more abusers. I am DONE.
  4. Yes, I suppose I may be tougher, though I do feel a bit hardened too. That being said, I do feel happiness coming back into my life again, slowly but surely, and I am looking out for all the red flags in order to keep toxic people away from me. It's been a very up and down process - the healing and recovery phase of abuse - but I am on the path to a brighter, happier and more fulfilling life.
  5. For me, I am working on returning to the person I was before I met my abusive husband. I was happy, I was free and I was full of life. I want the old me back. But, it's hard because I am now hardened due to my experience of so much abuse. I am worn down and worn out. I can hardly get off the couch on some days. I don't know about changing yourself completely in order to break the trauma bond. I think it's a matter of working on your education of abuse, learning the red flags to not ignore, and work on filling your life up in other ways that are fulfilling other than a romantic relationship.
  6. Oh man, do I hear you. I am going through a similar process with my narc husband in terms of the trauma bond. It's a tough thing to break and it can have a very powerful grip on a person, like you're experiencing. I don't have the answers yet on how to break free of it, but I will write more on it as I heal and move forward out of this state into a hopefully far better place. I think a large part of it may have to do with brutally accepting the reality, doing loads of self care work and focusing on your own life and on your own healing process. At least that is what I've read so far. I feel for you, I really do. Thanks so much for your encouraging words, and hugs to you.
  7. Abuse is cyclical and starts with the honeymoon period, followed next by the tension building period, followed next by the explosive period, followed again by the honeymoon stage. In the honeymoon stage, they are love bombing you, and shower you with affection, apologies, gifts, generosity and tears even - this usually follows an incident of abuse, or is how the beginning of the relationship starts. Then inevitably, following a honeymoon period, they then start to devalue, criticize, fear builds up in the victim and tension builds within the abuser - then they finally explode on you and there is an abusive incident, or many abusive incidents, followed once again by apologies, tears, flowers and the honeymoon phase. The victim of abuse becomes trauma bonded to their abuser - which is chemically in the brain the same thing as an addiction. The victim becomes addicted to wanting the good times again from the abuser and will do anything to placate the abuser in order to have that honeymoon or love bombing phase again. The trauma bond is what makes it SO hard to break free from the cycle of abuse and from the abuser themselves. It's the promise of change, of true love, of the good times that is the "hook" that keeps the victim a victim. It takes on average a victim 8 times before they finally can leave the abuser for good because the trauma bond is that strong. It's a Herculean task to break the power of the trauma bond. I, personally, have tried to leave my abusive husband 3 times now. I am never going back to him ever again and this is the last and final time. I am divorcing him and I will stick to my guns this time. I almost divorced him the first time we separated - I came very close, but the trauma bond snapped me right back into his web of deceit, twisted lies and manipulations. And that's exactly what he did - he lied, manipulated and deceived me into thinking that HIS infidelity was in fact, MY fault. So, I got guilted into forgiving him. He even told me - you have no forgiveness for me making ONE mistake. That was a manipulation to guilt me into forgiving him. He also blamed it all on the fact that I had called the police on him the month before. He said that that really screwed him up, that he "wasn't himself" after that incident and that he "acted out of character". And eventually, I believed or rather accepted his BS and finally caved and went back to him. HUGE MISTAKE. We went to couples therapy - another huge mistake. Our therapist started to invalidate my experience of the abuse and my husband manipulated and charmed the therapist. After the fact, I read that you should never attempt couples therapy with an abuser for just that reason - because the abuser will lie, twist things around and will charm the therapist into believing the fault lies with the victim and not the abuser. And that's exactly what happened in my own experience. The therapist kept trying to convince me that I had to change my reactions and responses to my husband and made it seem as though I was constantly misunderstanding my husband's intentions. So it was all my misunderstanding of him - not the fact that my husband has NPD and is an abuser. WOW. So I learned something there, too. I quit therapy altogether with this one therapist. I think my husband still sees him as an individual therapist. But I don't even care. I am breaking the trauma bond slowly but surely and I can feel myself starting to rebound and come back. I have felt and experienced true joy and happiness for the first time in ages. The last time I had felt this way was during our 1st separation, which is very telling. I've only been truly happy when I've been apart from him. M y husband continues to try and manipulate me and love bomb me through lengthy, pathetic texts, but I see right through him. I know who he truly is now, and I am not falling again for his false apologies and empty promises. Because that's all they ever are - false and empty. They have no intention of truly working on themselves or of changing themselves because the narc and abuser never think that they're in the wrong, they blame outwards and they're not truly accountable. And the fact remains, they DO NOT AND CANNOT CHANGE, and most especially a narc. So, now I am resolute, I am stronger, I am feeling happier and more at peace and I am moving in the right direction. I have blocked him on social media and now we only text about divorce details, mainly, although he tries to still love bomb me here and there, like I mentioned. As victims, what we MUST DO is reclaim our own inner power and voice, forgive ourselves for what we did not know and love ourselves foremost. I am pouring my energy into my own life and into my healing and education about abuse. And it's working - the trauma bond is loosening the more I see him for what he truly is - a MONSTER who wants to hurt and harm me. And that IS their intention. It's to harm, to reduce and to make you feel lower than they feel inside about themselves. They carry such self hatred, envy and have such a deep inferiority complex, that they overcompensate by bullying and abusing. NO MORE. I am DONE. I am done with accepting less than what I truly deserve. And I deserve respect, love, true love, and someone who is worthy of my heart and caring. This is a long entry, so if you made it this far, I thank you for reading. And I hope that by writing this, it helps someone else.
  8. What you speak of - the addiction that occurs within the cycle of abuse - is called a trauma bond. Look it up. It's the promise of all that's good that remains to the "hook", keeping you hooked on the notion of the good times and more to come. They love bomb you like crazy, then they abuse and devalue you, then it's tears, apologies and more love bombing to win you back over. It's an endless, crazy making cycle until you decide to exit the ride altogether. Too up and down. I cannot stand that. I need and want consistency, reliability, respect, true love, honesty and fidelity. NOT the opposite, which is what I got regularly enough with my narc husband. He would be good for a couple of months, and that's how long the good times would last. Not OK. Not acceptable. We deserve far far better!
  9. Thank you, dear. It does feel brave, but I am also very alone. I am realizing how lonely I am without him. I will never take him back though. It's over and I don't even love him anymore, I don't think. I have pangs here and there for the good times, but the bad times outweighed those. I am now dealing with being alone and single again, I have very few friends locally to hang out with, and I am now struggling since I first wrote this entry. Still, being lonely and alone to me is far better than being abused. So, there's that.
  10. THANK YOU!!! It's been up and down since I wrote this post, but overall, I have greater peace in my life and greater peace of mind.
  11. WOW - what a turnaround - 180 degrees. I am HAPPY. I am at PEACE. I feel GREAT!!!!! My newfound freedom from being under his thumb, enduring his negativity, gaslighting and insults - I am finally FREE of all his abuse and energy draining toxicity. THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has two more trips before he is fully moved out. This morning he tried to anger me, and it worked. He pushed my buttons and I got mad. He does this deliberately in order to have control over me and my emotions. But, now I am even keel again, doing my thing and am feeling better and happy again. He is pure POISON. GOOD RIDDANCE. Onto far greener pastures - my new life!
  12. THANK YOU!!! I am convinced and there is no changing my mind this time around. He is abusive, and I am getting away from him as fast as I can.
  13. Thanks so much!!! Yes, his abuse has a lot to do with my depression and many of my issues, and it is a very taxing situation. It sucks. He is moving out, but we still have to live together for several more weeks. I told him I no longer love him, which stopped the argument. At first, he was trying to argue that I haven't given him enough of a chance, and that he can work on his issues with a better therapist. It seems it always takes me saying I want a divorce in order for him to come around and admit he has anger issues. It should not have to come to that each and every time. I've been here and done that, and have heard this before from him. Oh, I will change, and I can work on it. No. Enough is enough and he has insulted me for the last time. I am sticking to my guns here.
  14. Thank you so much, and same here! It triggers me like no tomorrow. I hope there's a better future ahead! Thanks 🙂
  15. Well, I am now leaving my husband for the second and last time. He has pushed me TOO FAR, and I now know for certain that I've been involved with an abusive narcissist. He had agreed to go to couples counseling with me and individual therapy. He's been in therapy for the last year, and now I see that he hasn't been working on himself at all. He charmed our couples therapist, who looked at me as though I'm the problem. The couples therapist frequently invalidated my perspective, my feelings and my experience of my husband. And my husband simply just paid lip service about therapy to me, and didn't truly want to work on himself. I realized this all too late. Lately, he has been initiating and escalating many fights with me, over nothing. His explosiveness returned and the abuse returned. And I realize that I've been abused all along. He was "good" for a few months there, and I thought everything was improving. I thought HE was improving. But I was wrong. As soon as he experienced the stress over his mother's failing health, he started fighting with me. And, in these fights, he would gaslight me, he would blame shift, he would falsely accuse me and he would insult and demean me and threaten breaking up. It usually started whenever I would challenge or question him or confront him on an angry or barking tone he exhibited. After he called me "crazy" and "psychotic" and told me that there is "something wrong" with me, I had had it. That was the final straw. I also realized that I just do not trust him at all after his infidelity two years ago. He constantly was telling me this happened because we were in a "bad place". That never gave me the confidence that he wouldn't cheat on me again. What if we're in a bad place again, I would ask him. Would you cheat on me? He never truly took full responsibility for his actions, like a true abuser, and he always blamed it on us being in a bad place. What about - I will never do that ever again and I was truly in the wrong? He only said that to me when I am talking about a divorce. So, I've ended things again with him, he will move out, and I've told him I am no longer in love with him. While I regret taking him back, and while I regret allowing him to move back in, I know that this is the right decision. I feel at peace with my decision. He is not a person I can truly love. He doesn't know love and his love is all about power and control over me. And I'm done. Five years of my life wasted, but I've learned and have grown from this unfortunate and most painful experience. Now I have to ask admin to remove all the photos I have on here of him. I don't want any photos of him on my profile anymore.
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