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RiverLight

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RiverLight last won the day on September 8 2018

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About RiverLight

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    Female
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    Northeast USA

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  1. I am seething with anger and outrage towards my abusive narcissistic husband. He has deceived me and lied to me far too many times, and I fell for it too many times. Now he's playing all innocent, as though he's the victim, when HE abused ME for 2.5 years in our marriage. Now he's claiming that I have nothing but hatred to spew at him, when he treated me the whole time as though he hated me for those years! And now I have nothing but outrage and anger towards him, I am letting it out, and he keeps claiming all he is doing is being nice to me. BS. He is a mean mother-fck**er, deep inside. Sure, he's been on his best behavior for the last 2 months, but that in no way proves he is a changed person! Not without ANY therapy! I truly hate him for what he's done to me.
  2. Oh man, that’s horrible! I’m with you on this. Some people are vampires and only seek to take advantage for their own gain. It’s a horrific reality. Hard to discern who is actually genuine.
  3. My husband manipulated me and lied to me throughout our entire marriage and relationship. He broke many promises, which turned out to just be empty promises, in the end. Getting back together with him again was a HUGE mistake, but I was in such a vulnerable place in my life, that I gave into his manipulative love bombing. I didn't realize it was manipulation in the moment - I thought he had a genuine desire to change his ways, and I hoped or thought that his declarations of love for me were real. But before I knew it, he was brainwashing me to believe he cannot live without me, and therefore, that I cannot live without him. He made me emotionally dependent on him, making it seem like I can't live without him. After two more months of being with him again, I knew better in my gut. He was lying to me again about having changed his ways without having had ANY therapy yet, and he was manipulating me into believing his tall tales about his affair. It was my fault of course. The real truth is he had promised me 100 times at least that he would never step out of line and that he would let me know if there was a problem between us. He did not. Instead, he chose to sneak behind my back with another woman, blaming me for having called the police on him one time. He says he was "out of sorts", acted "out of character", and that he had been SO upset by that, that he did something stupid. Well, why did you not tell me you were SO upset? And IF you were that upset, then WHY on earth were you also showering ME with love, affection, gifts and attention while you were sneaking around behind my back flirting with someone else? None of it adds up. IF he was SO mad, why wasn't he instead visibly mad at me and keeping his distance from me? And to use my calling the police as an excuse? He is true to his character: a narcissist blaming ME for his affair. His excuses and reasons are WEAK, at best. Bottom line: SO many promises were broken, and SO many lies were told, that I cannot trust a single word he says. I feel sick to my stomach that I fell for his lines, yet again. And so I ended it, yet again.
  4. i quit therapy with him after one session. I am in therapy on my own for just that reason: to regain myself.
  5. They sure do. I am meh - hanging on by a thin thread right now.
  6. oh my goodness - that's exactly what I was worried about regarding our own therapy! He had had a small side flirtation going on the side, and I knew he would manipulate our therapist, which he did!
  7. not easy for me... very hard. And thanks.... it sucks.
  8. I won't, and thanks so much! He tried to assert himself into my life, and after 2 months, I felt he was taking it over!!! I don't want him back. Not this time... I've tried to leave him twice now.
  9. My husband is no doubt a narcissist. I think he could honestly be diagnosed as NPD. He's never been diagnosed as such to my knowledge, so I am diagnosing him myself, based on all I know about narcissism, and I do know a lot. I've dated 6 narcissists in my life, my father is one and I've read a lot about narcissistic abuse. My husband fits the bill to a T. All I've heard over the last couple months since we revived our relationship is how HE feels, what HE wants and what HE thinks. Despite my wanting to take things very slowly since our separation, he has plowed ahead, believing we are for certain reconciling, and despite my telling him several times that I am not certain of a reconciliation. Did he listen to me? NO! Did he respect my need to take things slowly? NO! Within 6 short weeks, he was moving his things back into my home and was quickly taking over my life again. He even moved his cats into my home, when they were supposed to stay only for one week while he went to Florida. Then, when I DID express more adamantly how uncertain I am of a reconciliation and how I don't trust him, he became physically sick the entire next day. What does this do to me? It makes me feel GUILTY for expressing my TRUE feelings, which opposed HIS, and it creates an atmosphere whereby I cannot express my true feelings without HIM GETTING SICK. So the message from him to me is: he has all the control, my feelings cannot be expressed, and HIS are the ONLY feelings that matter. And now that I've broken up with him again, he is stating to me that he cannot live without me. I know he doesn't truly love ME for ME. He loves what I can provide for him: financial and emotional security, someone who cleans up after him and who takes care of his every need, and someone who caters to his every need. This is why he clings on so hard... NOT because he actually truly loves ME. He loves me for what I can give to him. He doesn't even know what true love means! IF he truly loved ME, he would have listened to my doubts over the last 2 months, he would have given me the space I asked for and needed, and he would have followed up with me about all the doubts I had expressed to him in our first couples therapy session! I am exasperated with him and feel disgusted: disgusted that he believes his love is true love. It's not. It's selfish and toxic love. He clung to me over the last 2 months, and breaking up with him yet again feels like I am getting rid of a parasite. I am sick to my stomach over it. I married an abusive narcissist who only cares about himself.
  10. You may be correct. I am worried.. worried about being bullied again.
  11. Thanks @sober4life. I'll still be working when he comes by my apartment. I don't think anyone can come over at that time. I suppose I could just make up the excuse that I have to finish up work, that something came up, and I can only see him for a quick minute to hug him goodbye. I had told him I would give him a hug goodbye yesterday. I forgot to mention that in my post.
  12. Hi everyone. I've been gone for a couple months and came back on again. I am having massive anxiety attack over seeing my soon to be ex husband tomorrow. He's been really abusive in our marriage, we broke up and separated for 3 months, then tried to get back together, and I broke up with him again saying I want the divorce. He's very domineering, controlling and he bullies me. I am intimidated by him. And right now, I am in a very weakened state. I've gone through SO much in the last 2 months, including bullying in my last job which was traumatic for me, a hospitalization for mental health reasons due to the bullying, then I had COVID, then I quit my job, then I started a new job, all while getting back together with my abuser and trying to see if it could work. I don't have it within me to stand up to him anymore and to his abuse. I used to be able to and I used to confront him every step of the way whenever he became intimidating. I no longer have the strength, so my anxiety is very high right now, in anticipating yet another confrontation when he comes to pick up his belongings tomorrow. I want to avoid getting into a conversation or argument about our breakup. He's looking for an explanation. I told him that my heart is no longer in the relationship, that too much damage has been done, and that I don't trust him. That was all over text the other night. I just don't have it in me anymore to argue with him or stand up to him. What do I do?
  13. A LOT has happened in the last 2 months since I was last on here - a lot of crap happened, and my husband and I got back together when I was in a very vulnerable place in life. Back up - he had been abusive and we were on the verge of a divorce. Then I began a new job, which came with an inordinate amount of stress. My husband's father was in and out of the hospital during this time, and my husband called me, in tears, looking for support. So I supported him, despite the pending divorce. Then, a week later I experienced severe bullying in my new job and called my husband in tears. Both of us needing support during difficult times initiated more contact between us that was far more congenial and kind. My anger had faded and I felt softened towards him after 3 months of separation and much distance from each other. At this point, I felt I could forgive him for his infidelity. Then my job proceeded to worsen, and I became sick with mental illness and was hospitalized. When I went to ER, they also discovered I had COVID. So, I was hospitalized in a psych ward for 10 days and isolated due to COVID. My husband texted and spoke with me by phone every day during this time. I was grateful to have his support. When I got out of the hospital, I was very wobbly emotionally and mentally. They did not help with the state of my mental health other than medicating me. At this point, my husband and I were basically back together and discussing possible reconciliation. I made NO promises, and expressed to him that I needed to take things very slowly, that my health and recovery is important and comes first, and that I still had doubts about whether I could trust him again. I quit that job and was offered a job back at my former employer that had laid me off in July. THANK GOODNESS I received a job offer right as I needed and wanted to quit the stressful job that had landed me in the hospital again. I took two weeks off in between jobs to rest and recover. No such luck. My issues persisted. I finally sought additional help, and I've only just begun to feel more like myself in the past week. In the meantime, my husband was seriously pushing the relationship on me, love bombing me, making grand promises of change and grand gestures of love. He claimed he had majorly changed while we were apart, even without therapy. But, deep down inside and in my gut, I knew better. He's been abusive, and abusers never change on their own. Even with therapy, they rarely actually change, or the majority do not. However, he was showering me with so much love, support and attention during this time, it felt better than before and I had a tiny sliver of hope. I wasn't well, though, mentally or emotionally, and therefore, my thinking was not clear. Everything that happened during this period felt like a whirlwind. But, before I knew it, he was quickly moving himself back into my home and into my life again. He was taking over my life, I couldn't breathe and deep inside, I felt crowded and overwhelmed though I wasn't cognitively or consciously aware of feeling this way. We then went to our first couples therapy session early last week. He played a sympathy card to our therapist, and I felt he was trying to manipulate the therapist in our very first session. Every time he spoke, I found myself interjecting to give a more well rounded, TRUE version of the story he was telling. I left the session feeling defeated and upset. I started my new job in the same week. Before I knew it, my husband had spent four nights in a row with me at my apartment. I was dying for space from him - I wanted to be alone. I had to insist on getting some space and he sulked whenever I said I wanted to be on my own. Fast forward to Friday. I broke up with him and told him I want a divorce. I had had it. He had lied to me, yet again, during the week, and my gut told me I can never trust him again. Plus, I felt he was pushing pushing pushing things, without respecting MY needs for time and space away from him. He only would talk about what he felt, what he wanted and how he sees things, without once asking me where I stood or how I felt. He didn't even absorb what I had expressed in our therapy session: that I didn't trust him, that I was very angry with him, and that he had abused me badly and hurt me badly. He just went on with life, as though nothing had even been said. By Friday, I was done. I sent him a break up text, saying my heart and soul are not in the relationship, that I do not trust him and never will, and that far too much damage has been done that cannot be undone, even with therapy. I was done. This morning I woke up and felt a sigh of relief to not have him with me. I had cried initially yesterday when he visited to get all his belongings and I felt sad for the rest of the night, but my relief this morning is very telling to me. I am glad to be done with the relationship and I know it's the right decision. I now see how he was brainwashing me over the last 2 months to believe that I need to be with him because he cannot live without me, as he put it. I now see that over the last 2 months, I wasn't myself whatsoever and I was neglecting myself and what I needed, because I was catering to HIM and what HE wanted. I did express this from time to time to him, but he refused to listen to me, and instead he wanted to believe that things were far more certain between us than they really were. I did not lead him on. I was honest with him about my doubts and concerns, whenever the moment allowed me to be. Now he's blaming ME for not trying hard enough and for ditching the relationship after only one therapy session. I told him I did try, but realized I cannot continue the relationship. He's angry, bitter and hurt and is now taking that out on me by blaming me, when in reality, it's all because of HIS ABUSE towards me. He's the one at fault here, not me. But me? I feel FAR BETTER for having made this decision - which I had already decided last Fall. Somehow, I allowed him back into my life after a period of separation, but ultimately, came to the same conclusion: tigers do NOT change their stripes and he has proven that to me. Even though he had been loving and supportive, he was only just acting and manipulating me, all in an effort to win me back. I know better. I knew he would revert right back to abusive behaviors as soon as he truly had me back, which he was already showing me signs of. So, ultimately, long story short - I feel GOOD. I was vulnerable and fell back in with him, and now that I am stronger, I see that it needed to end. So be it if he's angry. He's abusive, and I know he'll never change.
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