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RiverLight last won the day on September 8 2018

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  1. I really feel BLAH. Things are mediocre, although on paper and in theory, everything is great. I have a good job, a great salary, and a loving husband and marriage. But my dad died in June and his service is at the end of Sept. We're preparing for it, so his death is frequently ever present. I have tried to just move on from it and live life as normal - as though everything is just fine. And it is, really. But I still feel meh. I am in this limbo spot at work where I am not doing the job I was hired to do. I am working in support of my team because I had to cut back on stress and the level of responsibilities I carry. I had had to take a medical leave of absence back in March for one full month. Hence, the reduced responsibilities. Anyways, I am not exactly satisfied with that and am trying to move up, but it's a slow process. I think they are very wary of my breakdown and of that possibly happening again if they give me too much stress. So, hence they are slow to promote me forward. And my husband and I did have a fight the other day, the first in many months. So while things are really good in my marriage otherwise, this fight sort of set me back a bit. I feel blah. It's also Mercury Retrograde soon, and we're in part already in it. which always effects my mood & outlook negatively. I guess that's it. I wish I felt better.
  2. RiverLight

    Getting there

    I'd like to add - I CAN relate. I have tried to lose weight, or let's say I have attempted to lose weight over the last four years. I've gained 15 pounds since I got married, and I hate the extra weight. But I find myself eating more and more junk food, despite my desire to reduce my weight and eat healthier foods. Yesterday and now today I am starting over. And I know it's going to take strong will power to resist sweets and junk food that are in the house, but I am determined to drop at least SOME of this weight. My point is - it does take determination and a strong will to get out of a negative slump. It takes deliberate effort. It may not be easy, but it feels good to take steps towards a goal that you have. A goal that will help you in the long run. Losing weight is just one example, but it can extend to other examples too, like doing more exercise, being more active and replacing negative thoughts with more positive and encouraging thoughts.
  3. RiverLight

    Getting there

    These are all things within your control. You CAN quit smoking. You CAN eat healthier. You CAN be more active. Take baby steps to get there, but take steps. And yes, negativity can be overcome with more positive thoughts. It takes deliberate effort. It's called thought stopping. When you have a negative thought, you must catch yourself and find a more positive thought to replace it with. And, if many bad things have happened, does that mean it will always be that way? NO.... not if you don't choose to see it that way. Good things CAN and WILL happen. One must have hope and faith in the unknown. We don't know what will happen, but holding onto positive hopes for the future is what helps to get me through some rough patches.
  4. Honestly? I have not liked the job since I arrived there, so there's that too. But yeah, my having had issues early on likely impacted them in a major way.
  5. You're lucky you had a union! I don't have that in my job, so they can react however they want to. I hope I can resolve this too - like I wrote above to Sober, I think it will involve me having to find another job. That's likely the best answer.
  6. My doctor said he would provide a note for me. I think my best option is to simply find another job. I have practically given up on this one turning out well.
  7. My job - BIG SIGH - is a nightmare for me. I had to take a month off for mental health reasons early on in my tenure in March. Then, when I returned to work, my psychiatrist suggested in a letter that I have a reduced level of responsibility to avoid high stress, which was a trigger for my mental health issues. So, they gave me very menial tasks over the next many months. After a few months of that, I kept asking for more responsibility, but they wouldn't let me take on any real client work. So I've remained at this lower level since April - that's four months. And now, all I am tasked with is coming up with blog article ideas for every client. That's ALL I am doing, and I am going absolutely sheer nuts doing one single task over and over and over again. So, at this point, I wish they would simply just fire me or lay me off in a way that allows me to collect unemployment benefits. I am absolutely MISERABLE in this job. Each and every day is a painful chore to get through. Eight hours straight of sheer hell. I called in sick last Friday. I took off two days the week before that. I am coming with any excuse to be able to leave work. It's no good. This is all no good, and I worry that my mental health issues have ruined my whole career. Now that I am at a lower level, I have nothing noteworthy to add to my resume that looks good. No bullet points to add underneath this one job. It's terrible! This is also why I wish they would let me go - so that it's easier for me to obtain another job and quickly! It's too hard to interview while you're working full-time. I've interviewed with two companies so far, and both ghosted me after the interview process ended. No rejection, no word, nothing. I am really sick of work in general. It's been a beast for me all these years, and I am getting sick and tired of always having work issues. That's the end of my ranting. LOL.
  8. Thank you so very much. He passed away today. Thankfully, there was no pain and he went peacefully.
  9. We're all gathering at the hospital today to say our goodbyes. I did spend some alone time with dad last night. I told him what my favorite memories are of him, and thanked him for all that he has done for me, like saving me from a mental breakdown in California and putting a roof over my head when I was in need for four plus years. This is very sad, regardless.
  10. My father is ill in the hospital with an incurable terminal lung disease. His condition worsened after he got covid, from which he never truly recovered. And now, he is on oxygen at the hospital, where he has been for over a week now. His condition is progressively getting worse and worse, and he's dying. I have spent every day at the hospital lately, and will go after work again tonight. I have some mixed feelings because my father was neglectful of me and basically was emotionally abusive towards me as a kid. He is the reason why I ended up in so many abusive relationships as an adult. I have mainly forgiven him and I don't think I hold a grudge, but it does bring up mixed feelings for me now that he's on his death bed and living his last days. I have nothing special to say to him that must be said in private. I have only told him that he's been a wonderful father. I actually don't even have any words, and I don't know WHAT to say to him. I am at a loss for words. The only other thing I feel I could say is that he will be sorely missed, and that we will watch over and will take care of mom in his absence. He's 82 and has lived a full life, but without this disease, he could have lived well into his nineties. My mom is 80, is very healthy and is still full of energy and gusto. I hope she will be OK, but she's never lived alone and has never been alone her entire adult life. So this will be a HUGE adjustment for her, after he's gone.
  11. I did fight back a bit after my review in an email to HR, saying it was an unfair review and counter arguing several points made. He won't break me. I won't let him! The problem is, I could lose my job, based on that horrible review. I meet with my CEO in one week, so I will find out then if I have a job or not.
  12. So apparently my boss feels that I should be smiling and happy despite my horrible review he gave me last week. In our company-wide meeting today, he messaged me asking me why I wasn't smiling. GO FIGURE. You tore me apart last week, and I am supposed to have a strong morale and a big smile on my face?!?!!? Unbelievable!
  13. Well, they can fire me if they can prove I am not fit for the job & don't meet their expectations, and that's what I feel my review was about. And thanks, sober. It is very tough to go through. Who knows how long it will take me to find another job? It could and likely will take several months. In the meantime, I have to suffer.
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