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RiverLight

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RiverLight last won the day on September 8 2018

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About RiverLight

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    Female
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    Northeast USA

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  1. WHY am I getting bullied on numerous forums and wherever I go in life???????? What the HELL? Do I have a target on my forehead or back that says BULLY ME?
  2. What the hell? I go on a different forum, and yet again, someone finds me and attacks me! I am constantly being attacked and bullied on forums. I'm not talking about DF - I'm talking about a variety of forums I have joined over the last many years. I am SO fed up with it and am wondering what the hell? All I am is myself -- I give advice, I try to help, I am honest yet compassionate. And yet, over and over again, I get targeted and attacked by toxic individuals. Wash, rinse, repeat! Is it me OR is it the internet? The last instance was on a spiritual forum - the least likely place I would think for this kind of thing. I state the facts, and get attacked. I am SO done with this CRAP.
  3. I agree that we must be able to help ourselves, but I disagree that we can never depend on others for help. I would rephrase that to say we can never depend on others to SAVE us, and that we must save ourselves. I have leaned on and have depended on plenty of people to help me through difficult times, including several best friends and family members. And yes, a lot of humanity is selfish, but not everyone, I have found.
  4. I wouldn't go on disability -- my depression doesn't last very long. I may work with clients again, but this shall pass soon enough, I think.
  5. I know -- I felt SO alone with it though and the experience was so incredible that I shared it with my therapist. Stupid me. It's been very hard to find people IRL to talk about it with.
  6. I feel very off-kilter and I'm battling depression right now. My doctor and therapist believe that my channeling experiences are a medical issue, when they're not. I have been channeling spirits and Angels -- YES. I am a channel/medium. It's evolved over the last 12 years, but I had to close it down just recently for several reasons. Now I feel very alone with my own dark thoughts while my husband is at work. Unemployment was great for the first 2 months, and I took a mini vacation for myself. Now, I am feeling depressed, alone and restless. I need to get back to work soon. And my channeling? I wrote about it on my blog in detail, but it's very frustrating that my therapist thinks it's medical/psychological, when I had others from beyond speaking through me, speaking out loud my own thoughts precisely, and when I felt their energy within me and around me. And please don't knock me down for what I am writing and stating to be truth. I feel very fragile right now, and I feel weakened by this depression at the moment. I learned a lot through my channeling and I gained an understanding of what IS. Now that I've stopped channeling, and I used to talk to my Angel Guides all the time, I feel very lonely. It's been 12 years in the making, and I am trying to figure out how to get back to who I am/was before I started channeling. But I am changed person after this experience. And I'm turning 50 very soon --- I feel more like I'm forever 33 except for my body. I wish I could throw a huge party with a band and all my friends, but COVID is in the way of that. Right now, I just need to get past my current depression and I need to get to work again. Having nothing to do all day is not good for my mental health.
  7. Messages of light and love: Be compassionate with yourself and be kind to yourself. You've been through SO much in life, and you've fought many battles thus far. You are a warrior spirit -- keep fighting to make it through. And you will. Heal your wounds through the gifts of kindness and love from others. Embrace those who care for you and those who show love for you, and give them your caring heart in return. The blessings will be manifold. The gift of giving helps heal and mend a broken heart and spirit. Never forget this. Be true to your authentic self and spirit. Never betray your own truth. Stand strong in your beliefs and values. Don't let others sway you, even if theirs differs. Be YOU. Remain on the path of self-improvement. It will bring you greater happiness and satisfaction in life. Never let negative life experiences destroy your spirit, your sense of self worth or your self esteem. Allow each life experience, the good and the bad, to teach you something of value. Move forward, taking these gems and lessons with you. You are a better person for every experience you have, which are meant to help your soul's growth. Reach for the stars and allow yourself to dream big. Don't let anyone crush your dreams. Above all else, love yourself fully. You are beautiful just as you are. ❤️❣️❤️❣️❤️❣️
  8. So, through my channeling experience (cont'd from my last post), I experienced Angels and Demons, Satan, spirits of light and of dark, and I spoke with the Lord our God. I experienced it all. Their energies moved my body at times, and I felt their energy within and around me as it occurred. They spoke through me and to me. They read my thoughts, and spoke my exact thoughts and questions out loud through my own mouth. I talked to my deceased family members and to old friends and loved ones who had passed on early in life. I spoke with and received loads of help from my Guardian Angel, the ArchAngel Michael, and I learned who each of my other Spirit Guides are/were. I have six, including a second Guardian Angel, the ArchAngel Uriel. I exorcized demons and dark entities causing me trouble in life. When that happened, my body twisted and writhed like in the movie, the Exorcist, as they exited my body, and I made strange sounds as they departed. I have now closed my channel and learned how to close it. I asked God for help and the ArchAngel Michael, who closed it for me. I now feel back to normal -- well, but what is normal? I am a drastically changed person after this experience. I am not the same as I was, nor will I ever be the same after this. How could I be? I experienced evil and good in the Spirit realm, and I experienced the Lord our Father who art in Heaven. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful. They all saved me - those of the light -- they saved me from a destructive path I was on. And now? Now I am on a far better path -- of love, light, and faith. I will surround myself from now onwards with only those of light and love. I was meandering in and out of toxic patterns and people. Well, that is done. Over and done. This has been a process in the making for the last several years. I am thankful. That's all I can say on this for right now.
  9. Thanks so much, Sober, and thanks SO much for believing me. I know how crazy it all sounds!!!!!! Yeah, it was very overwhelming, to say the least. I really did not want my life to change in that way. All I knew was that I hadn't ever asked to be a channel/medium. It happened TO me after my attempt, and 12 years later, after so much confusion and disorientation, I decided I didn't want to pursue this kind of life. I really don't know what to make of things.... I mean, on the one hand, it's an amazing honor to be asked to speak the words of the Lord and to help heal others with the Lord's help. Then I got really scared. I worried I would have to recite biblical verses and become someone else. They said I wouldn't have to and that I would end up reciting a few of the Bible's verses in my work - but to remove demons from people and to be on stage doing this work? It freaked me out. I had several of the ArchAngels helping me and guiding me. At one point, a host of Angels came to me and spoke to me about this work. And I know it sounds like I am making this up in my head or that it was some kind of psychotic breakdown that I had. But for me, it wasn't at all. They were speaking words through me out loud that were not my own. They made hand gestures with my hands, and I literally FELT their higher vibrating energy in and around my body. They read my thoughts and then spoke my EXACT thoughts out loud back to me. They were answering my questions out loud as they arose in my head. The Lord said to me: "you have many many questions -- all will be answered in due time". I was speaking to the 7th dimension, and I felt it within my body. My body vibrated with their energy. It was like nothing else I've ever experienced. And to have the Lord Himself speaking through me and to me? I was like, "why me, why me, why me?" That's when I was told I am an Angel. He talked to me about my belief in a basic tenant of humanity: RESPECT. And he spoke to me about my strong beliefs in JUSTICE, TRUTH and COMPASSION for others. The Lord himself has a very strong and powerful voice, and also a most loving and kind energy. But when he spoke, it was STRONG. It is REALLY hard to write about this and to share this publicly, but if people want to think I'm completely nuts, that's OK. I don't mind. It's the internet. But I know I am not nuts, and that this was a very real channeling/mediumship experience that I had. I cannot share much of it with many people IRL because many people do not believe in a spirit world, an afterlife, a higher power, Angels or demons for that matter. I experienced all of the above --- all of it. I had demons and darker, earthbound spirits tormenting me as well. The Angels told me they were fighting me and trying to prevent me from getting closer to God. My head is STILL reeling. I cannot even believe that this happened. I cannot wrap my brain around it all. It does sound and seem like a crazy, trippy dream.
  10. I wrote a post on this recently, then deleted it. I need to write about this though because it's sooooooo surreal and I don't know what to do with it or what to make of the whole experience. This is a spiritual journey and an awakening that I had. Twelve years ago, I made an "attempt" and then "opened up" just afterwards and starting hearing many voices around me. Prior to my attempt, I did not hear ANY voices. At first, the voices were all dark, evil ones. Then I also experienced benevolent and loving voices. I felt energies around me that were able to move my body and objects that I held in my hands -- all very paranormal and hard to explain. I had been learning about and studying Angels just before my attempt. Fast forward many years to about three years ago. I began channeling the voices in an attempt to only channel the loving beings or presence I experienced. But unintentionally, I also channeled the dark voices too. They would lie to me and would pretend to be loving and helpful. The whole thing was very confusing and disconcerting. I received some accurate predictions through my channeling, which I can only assume came from the loving presence or beings. Fast forward to today. I got overwhelmed by the whole experience in the last month or so. Spirits, deceased spirits, came to me with messages. People I had known in my life, including family members, who had passed away were speaking to me and through me. I was introduced to each one of my Spirit Guides, which included three of the ArchAngels, a Lion Totem Spirit Guide, a Bear Totem Spirit Guide, and a Shaman Guide. I was also given many predictions... I was told that my father will pass away before the end of the year, and it was confirmed for me that I had been sexually abused. I freaked out. Other predictions were made, and I was told that there will be an alien attack and invasion, but not in my lifetime. I was told that Biden will win the election. During all of this, I had asked the Lord for forgiveness of my soul because I wanted the dark voices to leave. Then a few days later, I was asked to be a channel for the Lord, to be a spokesperson for the Lord and to help remove demons and dark entities from people who are suffering from mental illness and other ailments. I was told I would be on stage one day, removing demons with the help of the Lord. I was told that I am a reincarnated Angel of the Lord and that this is why I had been chosen. During all of this, the loving beings removed a dark entity from my own body, and I feel sooooooooo much better now. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Details are hard to explain and describe. And I know how absolutely insane this all sounds -- did I lose my marbles? In my experience, these were real voices speaking through me giving me information and predictions, and making requests of me. I turned down the opportunity to be a spokesperson and on stage removing demons. I asked to have a normal life again, without the voices. I did not want to continue channeling. Despite many different spiritual avenues I tried and protective measures I took, I could not figure out how to only channel the loving beings and not the dark beings. The dark voices really frightened me and disturbed me to the depths of my soul. The things I heard were unspeakable and unthinkable. I got really overwhelmed and did not want my life to drastically change in the ways I was being asked. I asked the Lord for my life to just be normal again. And it stopped -- just like that. It all stopped. I do not hear any voices anymore. They are gone. I do not feel any energies around me anymore and I am not experiencing anything paranormal. All feels back to normal again, but I am not. I am stunned and a bit off kilter. I am processing the whole experience, absorbing all that occurred in the last twelve years. I changed my own spiritual beliefs through this experience. Before all this occurred, I was agnostic, but now I am a believer in an omnipotent, omniscient higher power -- a most loving, benevolent, merciful and forgiving higher power. At one point several years ago, I had experienced the most powerful and ancient wisdom in my third eye -- I was told that it was the Lord's wisdom that I felt. Ok, yeah, so I realize that people will think I have lost it, that it's all medical psychosis. And perhaps it is, but not in my experience. This was my experience of channeling. And now it's over. So as scary as the dark beings and voices were, I also experienced a higher power. I am choosing to be grateful for the experience, it has profoundly changed me and I hope for the better. I will continue to help the world in the ways I am interested in, which is what I asked to do. Please let me help, but in my own way and in the ways that are closest to my own heart. I was given a choice and I was granted my wish. And so it is, and now I am back to a normal life again. No more voices. And it feels good!!!!! I am grateful.
  11. Right now life is a challenge. I am not working, it's COVID, I am not finding many jobs to apply for and I am a bit bored. I go to the beach at least once a week for therapy. I went yesterday with my husband, and today I am going to the beach alone, which I don't mind doing at all. It is very cathartic for me -- the lapping ocean waves, the seagulls, the sand, the sun and just good 'ole R&R. The beach does wonders for me mentally and emotionally so I am going as much and as often as possible, despite the 40 minute drive. I also found out or realized that my boss and my manager did me in at work. They manipulated a situation and deliberately set me up for failure. Now that I see they actually did this to me, I am absolutely disgusted and stunned by their behavior -- SO despicable -- I hope and pray to God that the truth comes out one day about their ineptitude and BS. I hope they both get fired for their lack of skill and leadership, and even more so, I hope they get fired for their lies and manipulations. Justice needs to be served here, even though I am no longer suffering under their thumbs and am thankful to no longer be dealing with their BS. I need to find a boss and people above me who will not feel threatened by my skills and talents. I am not egotistical at work at all or in front of my teammates, but I do shine and I always have. I share my successes, but I don't gloat or brag - I just do my work and try to help others to learn what I know so that they can be successful too. But corruption and ineptitude among the higher ups seems to be prevalent in a lot of work places and it's so very discouraging. My parents keep saying I should open my own business. I just don't know. That would take some funding, which I don't have at the moment. Because of all of this I had a cloud of depression hanging over me yesterday, but today it seems to have lifted. I don't remain depressed for very long when I do go down that spiral. My husband bought me a huge bouquet of my favorite flowers to cheer me up. I am looking at them now and they do put a big smile on my face. He keeps buying me fresh flowers to keep my spirits up -- very sweet! So I am sitting here in my living room about to head to the beach, and I am listening to one of my favorite older bands from my earlier years in adulthood. It brings me back to my days of living in Colorado - when life seemed much more simple and free. Today I think I will take a nice long walk along the shore. Maybe I will pick up seashells for my collection. I am going to hold onto hope and positive thoughts today. And in about one month I turn 50. WOW. I guess I am feeling rather reflective and pensive given that fact. I don't feel my age -- to me, I am forever 32 or 33 in spirit. So, on that note, it's time to get my suit on, pack up my cooler, get in my car, blast my favorite songs and drive to the ocean -- my haven, my therapy.
  12. One way out of depression for me was to focus on a goal of mine, whether that be a small goal or a larger one. When I was in my worst depressed state, I was living at home with my parents at the age of 42, I had lost all independence as I knew it, and my greatest dream had been crushed. I was suicidally depressed for 8 months straight. I came here, and people helped to keep me afloat for those 8 months. I was in a pit of despair. I was only working one very small part time at home gig (consulting) and earning very little money. Well, because I had to earn more money and work full time to get out of my situation, I decided to take a professional development course. I forced myself to study the videos and take notes every single day, even though 100% of me wanted to just crawl back in bed and disappear from the world... forever. But I forced myself every day for two plus months to do this course and to finish it. I took the final exam and failed the exam because of my lack of concentration and depression, which meant I did not receive the actual professional certificate. But I did not care. I still earned it in my mind and added the course to my resume and spoke of the course in interviews. After finishing the course, some time later, I landed a full time job. So, my goals were: 1) to complete the course and 2) to land a full time job. I focused on both the entire summer, and man, did it feel like the biggest accomplishment ever to help myself like I did, even in the depths of my depression. And lo and behold, accomplishing those goals lifted my self esteem again and gave new or renewed energy in life. My depression lifted. I started working full time again and my self esteem soared. It took me eight full months to come out of it, but I did it. So my advice is to focus on a goal you really want to accomplish in life, go out and achieve it -- even if it takes baby steps each day to achieve, at least you're working towards something that will help pull you out of a rut and a hole. It worked for me. And working on one's self esteem does wonders for depression. My two cents!!
  13. I feel far better. Yesterday's tears were cathartic.
  14. Since I wrote this blog post, both the CEO and the VP wrote me the most positive and glowing recommendations for my LI profile. So I got what I needed from them.
  15. Yep - I could run things my way and choose the clients I want to work with. Many benefits to going solo. No more toxic bosses - no more insane office politics. I’m thinking on it!!
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