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RiverLight

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RiverLight last won the day on September 8 2018

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About RiverLight

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    Female
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    Northeast USA

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  1. Hi there. Sorry, I have not been back to the site much and am just seeing your post now. Thanks so much for the support! We shall see - things have been great so far, but there are still hints of the old behaviors here and there, mainly with him being controlling. I hope you get through this rough patch.... definitely do what's best for YOU in the end. Hugs to you!
  2. Thank you, Sober! I am getting there.... slowly but surely!!! I hope you are doing Ok and are hanging in there.
  3. My husband and I are trying again. He starts his individual therapy next week, and I am to give him a list of things to work on in therapy (he asked me for this list). It's interesting how this occurred. I had gone out with another man one night while my husband and I were still separated. This man kissed me goodnight and then left, and I burst into tears, thinking about my husband. Then I went to a concert without my husband for the first time, we ran into each other at the concert and said hello to each other. Sparks were flying between us, and I realized there is still a very strong chemistry between us. It was a powerful feeling and it turned my head around. I spent the entire concert feeling miserable without him and watching him from afar. I was with a group, but I felt alone. After the concert, we started texting again, we acknowledged the energy between us and he asked me to join him for brunch on Sunday. So I said yes, and we spent a wonderful afternoon together. It was then that I decided I wanted to try again. I still love him, I feel, and he wants to change the behaviors that caused me to leave him. He says he wants to only honor me, respect me, cherish me and love me forever. He seems very sincere. He has said the same thing for months now - he's been very consistent with this message, and now I finally do believe him. We've been living apart since last November, and will continue to live apart for many more months while he is in therapy working on himself. I will be working on myself too in my own therapy. We will also have couples therapy periodically with the same therapist. The therapist will see us each individually and as a couple. I feel hopeful and not nervous. I don't have much fear going on this time around. The last time we tried this, I had a lot of doubts and fears, but not this time. There is some amount of trepidation still, however, just given that it may not work out. But we both want to try. And he hasn't exhibited any of the old behaviors in a long time - months. The one thing I need to look out for is to make sure I don't lose myself again. I need to maintain my independence and not become codependent again. I need to do my own thing sometimes, and see my own friends here and there. I cannot get sucked back in like I used to be, tied at the hip 24/7. That's not healthy. But the problem is, I don't have many friends around locally to see, and doing things by myself isn't always fun. So, I somehow need to create more of a life for myself and carve out my independence. I think continuing to live apart will help this process along. My therapist is also aware of this issue so I will also work on it in therapy. So, that's the latest with me. I know what i've said in the past about him. A lot of it was my anger and rage talking. Now that I am past that phase, I no longer see him from the same light. I see him from a light of love and forgiveness. And I do forgive him, especially if he's willing to change his ways and become a better husband for me.
  4. i quit therapy with him after one session. I am in therapy on my own for just that reason: to regain myself.
  5. They sure do. I am meh - hanging on by a thin thread right now.
  6. oh my goodness - that's exactly what I was worried about regarding our own therapy! He had had a small side flirtation going on the side, and I knew he would manipulate our therapist, which he did!
  7. You may be correct. I am worried.. worried about being bullied again.
  8. Thanks @sober4life. I'll still be working when he comes by my apartment. I don't think anyone can come over at that time. I suppose I could just make up the excuse that I have to finish up work, that something came up, and I can only see him for a quick minute to hug him goodbye. I had told him I would give him a hug goodbye yesterday. I forgot to mention that in my post.
  9. Hi everyone. I've been gone for a couple months and came back on again. I am having massive anxiety attack over seeing my soon to be ex husband tomorrow. He's been really abusive in our marriage, we broke up and separated for 3 months, then tried to get back together, and I broke up with him again saying I want the divorce. He's very domineering, controlling and he bullies me. I am intimidated by him. And right now, I am in a very weakened state. I've gone through SO much in the last 2 months, including bullying in my last job which was traumatic for me, a hospitalization for mental health reasons due to the bullying, then I had COVID, then I quit my job, then I started a new job, all while getting back together with my abuser and trying to see if it could work. I don't have it within me to stand up to him anymore and to his abuse. I used to be able to and I used to confront him every step of the way whenever he became intimidating. I no longer have the strength, so my anxiety is very high right now, in anticipating yet another confrontation when he comes to pick up his belongings tomorrow. I want to avoid getting into a conversation or argument about our breakup. He's looking for an explanation. I told him that my heart is no longer in the relationship, that too much damage has been done, and that I don't trust him. That was all over text the other night. I just don't have it in me anymore to argue with him or stand up to him. What do I do?
  10. A LOT has happened in the last 2 months since I was last on here - a lot of crap happened, and my husband and I got back together when I was in a very vulnerable place in life. Back up - he had been abusive and we were on the verge of a divorce. Then I began a new job, which came with an inordinate amount of stress. My husband's father was in and out of the hospital during this time, and my husband called me, in tears, looking for support. So I supported him, despite the pending divorce. Then, a week later I experienced severe bullying in my new job and called my husband in tears. Both of us needing support during difficult times initiated more contact between us that was far more congenial and kind. My anger had faded and I felt softened towards him after 3 months of separation and much distance from each other. At this point, I felt I could forgive him for his infidelity. Then my job proceeded to worsen, and I became sick with mental illness and was hospitalized. When I went to ER, they also discovered I had COVID. So, I was hospitalized in a psych ward for 10 days and isolated due to COVID. My husband texted and spoke with me by phone every day during this time. I was grateful to have his support. When I got out of the hospital, I was very wobbly emotionally and mentally. They did not help with the state of my mental health other than medicating me. At this point, my husband and I were basically back together and discussing possible reconciliation. I made NO promises, and expressed to him that I needed to take things very slowly, that my health and recovery is important and comes first, and that I still had doubts about whether I could trust him again. I quit that job and was offered a job back at my former employer that had laid me off in July. THANK GOODNESS I received a job offer right as I needed and wanted to quit the stressful job that had landed me in the hospital again. I took two weeks off in between jobs to rest and recover. No such luck. My issues persisted. I finally sought additional help, and I've only just begun to feel more like myself in the past week. In the meantime, my husband was seriously pushing the relationship on me, love bombing me, making grand promises of change and grand gestures of love. He claimed he had majorly changed while we were apart, even without therapy. But, deep down inside and in my gut, I knew better. He's been abusive, and abusers never change on their own. Even with therapy, they rarely actually change, or the majority do not. However, he was showering me with so much love, support and attention during this time, it felt better than before and I had a tiny sliver of hope. I wasn't well, though, mentally or emotionally, and therefore, my thinking was not clear. Everything that happened during this period felt like a whirlwind. But, before I knew it, he was quickly moving himself back into my home and into my life again. He was taking over my life, I couldn't breathe and deep inside, I felt crowded and overwhelmed though I wasn't cognitively or consciously aware of feeling this way. We then went to our first couples therapy session early last week. He played a sympathy card to our therapist, and I felt he was trying to manipulate the therapist in our very first session. Every time he spoke, I found myself interjecting to give a more well rounded, TRUE version of the story he was telling. I left the session feeling defeated and upset. I started my new job in the same week. Before I knew it, my husband had spent four nights in a row with me at my apartment. I was dying for space from him - I wanted to be alone. I had to insist on getting some space and he sulked whenever I said I wanted to be on my own. Fast forward to Friday. I broke up with him and told him I want a divorce. I had had it. He had lied to me, yet again, during the week, and my gut told me I can never trust him again. Plus, I felt he was pushing pushing pushing things, without respecting MY needs for time and space away from him. He only would talk about what he felt, what he wanted and how he sees things, without once asking me where I stood or how I felt. He didn't even absorb what I had expressed in our therapy session: that I didn't trust him, that I was very angry with him, and that he had abused me badly and hurt me badly. He just went on with life, as though nothing had even been said. By Friday, I was done. I sent him a break up text, saying my heart and soul are not in the relationship, that I do not trust him and never will, and that far too much damage has been done that cannot be undone, even with therapy. I was done. This morning I woke up and felt a sigh of relief to not have him with me. I had cried initially yesterday when he visited to get all his belongings and I felt sad for the rest of the night, but my relief this morning is very telling to me. I am glad to be done with the relationship and I know it's the right decision. I now see how he was brainwashing me over the last 2 months to believe that I need to be with him because he cannot live without me, as he put it. I now see that over the last 2 months, I wasn't myself whatsoever and I was neglecting myself and what I needed, because I was catering to HIM and what HE wanted. I did express this from time to time to him, but he refused to listen to me, and instead he wanted to believe that things were far more certain between us than they really were. I did not lead him on. I was honest with him about my doubts and concerns, whenever the moment allowed me to be. Now he's blaming ME for not trying hard enough and for ditching the relationship after only one therapy session. I told him I did try, but realized I cannot continue the relationship. He's angry, bitter and hurt and is now taking that out on me by blaming me, when in reality, it's all because of HIS ABUSE towards me. He's the one at fault here, not me. But me? I feel FAR BETTER for having made this decision - which I had already decided last Fall. Somehow, I allowed him back into my life after a period of separation, but ultimately, came to the same conclusion: tigers do NOT change their stripes and he has proven that to me. Even though he had been loving and supportive, he was only just acting and manipulating me, all in an effort to win me back. I know better. I knew he would revert right back to abusive behaviors as soon as he truly had me back, which he was already showing me signs of. So, ultimately, long story short - I feel GOOD. I was vulnerable and fell back in with him, and now that I am stronger, I see that it needed to end. So be it if he's angry. He's abusive, and I know he'll never change.
  11. I don't wish ill upon her beyond getting fired..... I just want justice to be served in this situation. And what happened with her so far has been very unjust and makes me already want to leave the company, when I was SO excited by this job offer and opportunity.
  12. I am at the end of my rope! I started my new job last week, over a week ago, and ALREADY I am being severely bullied by a more senior team member who is above me in position but who is not my boss. I can't even believe this.... that yet again, I am being bullied in yet another job, and within my first few days of work!!!!! I did address it with her directly -- what she had done to me that was HIGHLY unethical and WRONG - I mean, just plain WRONG - she usurped my position right off the bat! So I did confront it with her, and I informed my boss of what she had done. Then when I had to get on the phone with her to discuss what had happened (our conflict), she approached me with a very punitive, corrective, superior and negative tone!!!!!! I informed my boss of this as well. Since I am a channel and a medium, I asked my spirit guides/angels what will happen. They tell me she will be fired by the end of this week - and that there has been a litany of similar incidents with her and that this was the final straw. I hope and pray that this information is accurate and true. I will report back here on what happens. However, if this continues and if she remains employed there, I will have to leave. I am most upset.
  13. YIKES! That's rough!!! And thanks!!!!
  14. Thank you! I have legitimate early menopause symptoms and that's why I cannot sleep. It's not due to stress. I am working on negotiating how the divorce agreement is written - I had proposed to my husband that we file for divorce jointly. It's cheapest and fastest this way in the state where we live. As the agreement is written now, it appears as though my husband is the one filing for divorce, although this was never communicated to me. And it DOES matter because I am divorcing HIM - I left HIM, not the other way around. He just wants to be able to say to everyone that HE left ME and that HE divorced ME. That is NOT going to fly for me... unless he truly did file for divorce, then I have no say in the language on the paperwork. I will definitely focus on my job because I have to succeed. I will limit all communication with my husband because he is moved out now and it's now all between our lawyers. It IS stressful and emotional though. Divorce is VERY VERY DIFFICULT, TUMULTUOUS, LIFE CHANGING AND UPSETTING. There is no way around that fact.
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