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Kurt87

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  1. Bye everyone. Hope things get better for you.
  2. There comes a point where I don't see the point of continuing to live. Why live for the sake of being alive? I hate how I feel when I am outside these days, my social anxiety is crippling and I feel physically sick when I leave the house. I've no friends, never had a girlfriend, can't get work and multiple tries of therapy haven't helped in any way. I just don't see what there is for me if my life is just going to be living like this from now on. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that someone can magically say something to change that, but I know that's not going to happen. So really what is the point? What is there to live for?
  3. Pre-therapy I always had hope on my side. Hope that I could get better, that it would help. But it didn't help. It didn't help the second time other, not the third, and now I'm pretty much at the point where I've lost all hope. I don't really see what else there is that can help and it's stressful and upsetting because I can't live much longer feeling this way. I feel like such a failure in life. The textbook definition of a loser.
  4. Been away for a while but this is still an issue. I had my first interview last week and didn't get the job. It was pretty crushing. I never get interviews and stupidly got my hopes up about it. Debts are becoming an increasingly larger burden every passing month now and there's really nothing I can do about it earning so little. At this point, I don't see how I'm getting a job. Agencies can't find me anything and won't return my emails or calls.
  5. I have no idea what to do at this point. I have a very low paid job for a social club doing their books (£60 a week, to be exact) and I pay my parents some of that because I still live at home. I have been doing it for 3/4 years now, but it's part time and so a lot of places overlook it in regards to experience. My only other jobs are working at Woolworths when I finished school for about 2 years and then I got a cleaning job. I was in the cleaning job while I was in (and failing) college and after that, my depression got much worse and I coasted in that job for a while, but it made me feel much worse about myself Now I'm 29 with 18 months experience stocking shelves, a bunch of cleaning work and a few years part time. I'm with 6 agencies and apply for probably 50 jobs a month and have not even had a rejection letter/email, forget an interview. Before I got my bookkeeping job, I I went to the local Job Centre and all they would recommend was cleaning work since I had many years experience in that. But it makes me feel even worse as well as being as low paid as what I have now. It makes me feel like a big failure and even worse about myself that I can't get any work. My clothes are getting old, I struggle to look after myself with how little I have and there's no chance of me leaving home. Just needed to vent, I've been up all night applying for jobs again knowing that nothing will come from it and it's so frustrating. I know my lack of jobs is down to my depression, but all people do is look at the CV and see a lack of experience at my age and will just assume I'm lazy or dumb.
  6. I guess my issue is that it hasn't worked after multiple attempts. I think it was Einstein that said the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things and expect different results. I would love it to work, but I don't see how something is magically going to change from the previous attempts with it that I've had. I feel like because I believe my issues are the result of something situational, that until said situations change there's no chance of me getting better. So it seems a waste of time on both ends.
  7. I had a call today about setting up therapy for me, again. He suggested that CBT might be the best course of action for me, but when I told him I'd been through it 2 or 3 times now and it hadn't helped at all, he suggested that it might be an issue between me and the therapist and that not all patients/therapists click with each other. I can't help but feel that's just a safeguard excuse so they can just put you through the routine. I can't help but feel this is going to be a waste of time for me, and only will add concrete to the view that there's no hope for me. But it will also be a waste of time for my therapist who would be better served helping someone that can be helped. I don't know whether to just tell them not to bother with me.
  8. I could definitely do with some advice in this area too. Haven't really got any friends right now and not had any since I left school over a decade ago. Gets really lonely and pretty much just reinforces how I feel about myself.
  9. Today I was meant to have a phone consultation with my doctor. Basically, I tried to get an appointment but our GPs are generally overworked and usually have their appointments filled for weeks or months. But there's also the option for a phone consultation. I'd rather have seen someone in person, but I figure it's better than nothing and it was ideal because I've been feeling really low lately and to have someone to talk to about what to do today would've been great. I never got the call. I would put it down to just a one off thing, but it's not. I started seeing my second therapist about 18 months ago and after a few sessions, she never called to schedule the time for our next appointment and wouldn't return any of my calls. So, pretty much as my title says, it's almost as if they look at my records and don't think I'm worth wasting their time on any more.
  10. Welcome to DF, Fenris. I hope you can find this message board to be helpful. I personally find it refreshing to know that there are others who understand how I feel and that spend their time helping others. It's a good little community. Oh, and as a Marvel nerd, I love your username/picture, as Fenris will be appearing in Thor 3!
  11. I do think being a non believer helps me in a few ways. It makes me feel like I have more control over things, that my life isn't set out on a certain path and that hopefully over time things will be more positive. I'm not sure how I'd cope if I felt like this was some sort of test. But it's amazing how you can feel judged. About 3 weeks ago I started jury service and when you are put on a jury, you have to take an oath. Most people took their oath on the Bible, one took her oath on the Qaran, I chose to "affirm", which is essentially making a promise to give a true and honest verdict rather than swearing by God. When we were in the main canteen area, I heard one of the older women say "I would object to an atheist being on my jury if I was on trial, I couldn't trust them to do the right thing". I'd always felt a little marginalised for my (lack of) belief, but it was quite surprising to hear that people really felt that by not believing in God I (or whoever else they were referring to) were not seen as honest or trustworthy. My main pet hate is when people asked me "Why did you choose to be atheist". I did not choose anything. I believe that if you have a feeling, then that's just part of who you are.
  12. I'm not really sure how to "be approachable" or "interesting". I've never been approached by a girl and social conditioning has pretty much made it so everyone says the guy does the approaching anyway. In terms of interesting, it's hard to know what someone finds interesting when you approach them without knowing anything about them. I try and make a quick assumption, like I saw a girl at the blu-ray section in the local supermarket. I tried to make small talk, asked if she'd seen the film she was holding before - she said she doesn't really watch film, she was looking for a gift. It's just difficult, even when you see someone doing something, to know what to talk about. These guys are successful with women. There's literally a "bragging" section about their conquests and stuff. Its actually a sports message board for a US team that I follow. I went to a game early last year and met some of them, they were pretty intent on helping me with girls - but it just didn't happen. While I loved that I had the help of a bunch of guys, it sucked that even they couldn't help me get a good conversation even with a girl. It might be true that it's more accepted about living at home, but I know from dating sites that a lot of girls will specifically point out they don't like that. But it's almost helpful in a way as I expect nothing in the long run, just hope that I can get something positive going so that when my life situation does turn around, that I can make something of it. Whereas currently, it's almost a drag "why bother, when nothing will change anyway?" Sometimes after I get my hair done and feel a bit healthier, it tends to make me feel like I look a bit better than before. But it's funny you should mention your nose, because I have a bit of a family trait in that I have a huge nose. Unfortunately, it's something other people definitely pick up on. I have a season ticket for my local football/soccer team, I catch the train with my dad and his friends who sit near me. They pretty much make fun of each other all the time and make jokes and it doesn't bother them. One of his friends said "Wait until you start getting more comfortable with us and we start on your nose". It made me realise that it is a very obvious and prominent ugly part of me that others pick up on quickly. I used to be very underweight (160 pounds) up until I was about 24, then I put on a lot of weight (at 220 pounds) over the space of a couple of years. But I am one of those "skinny, fat guys". I'm 6'4" so it's often easy to carry it off and I look quite skinny, but then I have the whole "alcohol belly" type thing going on (but I don't drink).
  13. I feel like I am quite good at "faking it". Maybe I'm wrong and I'm not, but I just get the impression I fake confidence well. Based on work and other interactions in front of people. The thing is, with my current job situation it means I currently live with my parents. I know there's 0% chance I can actually get a date or anything, but it bugs me that I can't get any kind of positive reaction. In a closed group on another message board I used, I posted about getting help for a dating profile and was concerned I never get messages because of my looks. I posted a link to my profile for tips and the guys on there said I'm not bad looking. The issue there is, the guys were there to try and help and in my mind I know they were going to say positive things regardless of how I looked, simply to make me feel better. I feel like I'm going to be stuck feeling ugly and depressed until I get that positive response from a girl at some point.
  14. While I agree that's why it was closed, this thread has more than one point. I think the crucial one being this: I would go as far to say, this isn't even an Christian v Atheism issue, but a Christian v everything else issue. Just take a minute to read the opening post in the Christian thread. A thread was created, in a sub-forum where 90%+ of threads are Christian based, just in case a Christian joined the site and was offended that they saw something not of their faith. What about the Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Atheists, etc that join and saw that almost every single thread is aimed at those with Christians beliefs? I can fully understand any issues where someone's religion is criticised, but in a sub-forum that is completely dominated by Christianity, I find it more than a little upsetting that threads are created in a "Quick, let's try and hide the atheist thread in case someone sees it" as if it's some sort of crime.
  15. I am sorry you felt that way, but I am very happy for you that you were able to find someone! I'm sure these are also contributing factors to my depression, but my life situation isn't ideal. My job situation sucks and I make little money and have been struggling to find something else. There's very little I seem to enjoy these days. Film and football were things that I did, but my team is doing very badly which pretty much ruins my weekend and in film I tend to get low moods when I see positive things that I wish I had (friends, relationship, good job, etc.) I've made the effort to do a few things on the MeetUp site over the past 18 months. I went to about 4 different ones a half dozen or so times each. Despite one of them being depression related, I felt very isolated. Within the groups, there seemed to be friendship groups that'd already developed and every one seemed to try and shut down any conversation with me. You know, the whole one word answer, conversation stopping stuff. It makes it frustrating when people who I would have stuff in common with, aren't interested in conversing. It gives me very little help for those that I don't meet in specific interest groups. The past 3 weeks I've been leaving the house for jury service. But aside from that, and before that, I've been struggling to leave the house. While I 100% agree there's no harsher critic on yourself, than yourself, the fact remains that no girl has responded positive to me, nor has any guy been interested in being friends.
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