bbwolf

going to be a long night if my new med doesnt work, depression really got a hold of me right now, really sux

pdoc gave me a supplemental prescription for when it gets really bad,

i got so much running thru my mind i havent a clue what to say or do

i dont even know where to start, i recently was contacted by a very special old friend, when i say special i mean we was each others first everything, we lost contact 35 yrs ago, thru 2 marriages i carried a torch for her, my 2nd marriage been 25yrs wife hasnt touched me in a dozen years maybe more ? anyways when my friend and i chatted is was like once or twice a week sometimes less, she lives 1000 miles away, her mom lives here, as a favor to her i helped her mom out with some chores and repairs, her mom told me point blank that her daughter had told her many times over the years that she had made a huge mistake leaving, and had always had feeling for me, i was happy sad confused and a bunch of other feelings and emotions i cant even describe, over time our chat sessions got longer and more frequent we sent pics of each other our kids grandkids and i noticed in a pic that she's got the connectors for chemo, i asked about it, this is her 4th time with cancer, now the fear and anxiety has shot thru the roof, she seems to be handling it alot better than me, i try my best to keep my emotions in check, she knows im concerned for her, but i dont think she knows how scared i am, im not sure theres anything that can be said or done to ease my feelings i just needed to tell someone

never really had a career, bounced around alot went from hot tar roofing, to military, to communications tech, to a managment position at a newspaper, to truck driving, and alot of other low level jobs in between, chronic pain and depression seemed to keep me from progressing anywhere, last few years been doing light landscaping and odd jobs, since covid started i been slowly going down hill losing interest, my memory retention is crap i tried learning new things new skills but seem unable to

same ol worn out depressed lonely old man

jumping

took me 6 years and a administrative judge had to award it to me

feeling depressed, unwanted, vacant, tired, and a bunch of other stuff i dont have the words to describe

a semi remote piece of property with a house/cabin on it,

loneliness is my middle name, i almost met with a few others that was within a hundred miles of me but it didnt work out

freedoms just another word for nothing left to do ,

my progress is going alot slower than i wanted, but my dr told me not to worry about it, i had dropped 70lbs in 2 years, fell off the wagon more times than i can count, set the wagon on fire a couple of times and had to start over, its a hell of a roller coaster but im 70lbs lighter, 35 more lbs to go

thunderstorm all night, cloudy and chilly today, 55 degrees f

i feel empty and very lonely, and my body hurts