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Araki

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About Araki

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  1. I want to tell you there is a magic pill and that i got it right here and ready to mail it to you.. because after getting rid of it I would not wish that upon even my worst enemies.. But its a long proccess wich i havent yet reflected upon, so i cant really tell you. I went to therapy 4 years ago for 1 year.. I had a therapist that I Clicked with personally, and she became a great friend and i am sure that if i met her now, we could become good friends. And that was the FIRST time in my life where i was good enough for anybody. I had mental pshycologically abusive parents (Bullying etc.). I Know for a fact that when i walked into that therapist room I was seeing black, not red, not pink, Black. had she not clicked with me, i would have been a goner for sure. So finding a therapist that clicks with you i think is one thing you can try out because i believe that most clinics allow you to request a change. How ever this is 4 years ago so something must have happened. As i said i was borderline apathetic.. I didnt care what happened around me, my emotions where gone... So i started looking for my emotions, really sad but true. as a 17 year old boy i was reading Girl forums for what made them cry right, Titanic was one thing that often came up... So i watched titanic 3 times in a day.... nothing happened. i had just started watching anime at the time, so i searched up "Sad animes" And Clannad and Clannad afterstory came up And i cried only one time. That was during the episode where the main guy (if you havent seen it) basically realizes he gotta be a dad for the kid And i cried like a baby. then i KNEW I had to be feeling something so i went searching for happiness and i went back to my childhood, What made me happy when i was a kid? Pokemon right...5 months i watched 800 episodes of pokemon Thats 6400 Hours, So i was doing nothing but Eating, sleeping and watching pokemon because i was a highschool dropout. I was on a "**** LIFE" and was just laying in my bed half the time. But I was right tho, I enjoyed pokemon. It brought something in my life that i needed. I dont know what exactly, i cant tell you that for sure but it made me feel something. I got thrown out of my parents place at the age of 19, so i had spent 2 years watching pokemon literally to keep my self alive... I Started getting therapists coming on my door one day a week every week.... for 3 years now they have been doing that. I Cant say i liked it much because i thought that i was ill because they were in my life so i didnt trust them very much. I think it was when i first moved into a House for people who need assistance in their life that got real for me.. I had girls the same age as me coming to ask if i needed help cleaning my toilet (wich i didnt) and i was like "OH I AM LITERALLY A FAILURE, I SHOULD NOT BE GETTING HELPED BY THESE WOMAN, I SHOULD WATCH THEM, DATE THEM." A real reality check right. Here i was giving up on life and my own generation comes to ask if you need help cleaning my butthole. unless they have some serious fetish going on these where the woman i should be doing grown up things with. So one day i asked one of them if they could help me. I NEED my life to change and they started helping me. I Asked if they could come visit more often because i needed people to open up with. So the biggest tip i can give you is ask for help.. I mean you ask for help by being on this forum so i know for a fact that you need and want help.. But maybe you should let your guard down and trust a few people that can pull some strings, therapists etc? maybe you already are. If they are just putting you on meds they are clearly not doing anything good for you. So i would suggest to find one that is willing to see you for you and have a talk. But its not as easy as this sounds either. I mean people can be some real jerks and the people you have to deal with you cant really control. I want you to keep fighting and i can stay on this forum and chat with you if you like. There is a message feature so if you want to open up to someone you can with me. Because as i said i dont really have a magic pill to cure depression even tho i really want one and on this forum you can stay anonymous so nothing really can get out of it other then you getting everything out. Its easier to give helpful tips when i have a reason for the cause if you get what i mean :) But i am not an expert or anything so i can only give advice from my experience with depression and as a human being to another. But to answer your question (sorry for a long post) I think the want to live is the right answer? Even tho i gave up and literally let my life take decisions for me I Still fought... I Dont even know why, i just wanted to live.. I think if you reflect on your own life and think about what is making you depressed, starting to eliminate some of these things could help you recover faster. For example i havent seen my mother in 10 years, i have distanced my self from my entire family etc... things that made me depressed is no longer in my life because i got rid of it, doesnt mean its easy, its not. But its needed.. If your work is making you depressed, what about your job is making you depressed? Eliminate it, change it, etc.. If you want to change you need to make it happen your self. But for example if you can be like "Oh I can be single and less depressed because i dont have a abusive girlfriend / boyfriend" being single is obviously the best answer and the right way to go... Or "OH i am working at this oil company and i am making serious bank, but something about it makes me depressed" A lower pay for a better life is a small price to pay for a change right? Honestly i could be babbling for hours and hours and hours and hours and i still would not get to a answer and now i am just saying sympathetic things because i wish i had a right answer
  2. Hi folks :) I would just like to share with you guys a story, since this forum have helped me a lot. I might not have been very active on other threads my self, but for all the people who are answering and reading all the posts and cheering eachother on. This forum is a good place to seek help most of the time! so thanks for letting me rant in a thread when i needed it the most and just let everything off me.. its been like 2 posts haha! So not much but I still want to thank you guys :D So this summer 2017, my depression and anxiety is slowly fading... Anxiety is fading slower then the depression. Just to give you an example My happiness meter if we shall scale it was originally and usually a 2, dipped to 1 and maxed at 3. I wasnt a very happy person, i was insecure, I was lost, I was feeling worthless, I was losing all confidence to everything in life even the confidence of me having friends and being good enough for them was totally gone. Right now my happiness is 7-10 dipping to a 7 very stabile i would say :) and the day my depression faded I won the lottery and got married at the same time (didnt actually happen, just felt that way) and I was so unsure what to do with this strange feeling, How is it really to be happy? Well being happy is very strange, especially if you dont really have any reason at all.. All these years of not being happy, being negative, being unsure, being scared, feeling patethic.. My situation didnt change, The world around me didnt change, I am still stranded in life with a lot of pathways to choose from.. So where is this happiness coming from? Do i even deserve it? What makes me deserve it now but not yesterday? I was almost becoming depressed by being happy because i had no idea what it would lead to being the person that i was, i started thinking negative again, So whats life plan for me this time? you are making me this happy! BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TAKE AWAY FROM ME IN RETURN? but let me tell you something.. The world, yeah that crazy world where sad and bad things happen all the time... Must be my depression speaking right? Nah... the world is just as sick and insane and what ever word you would like to describe it, even when you are happy. The world wont stop being insane. There will still be ******ers, rapists and war even if you become happy. Thats just something you will just have to accept i am afraid. So whats different then? Well as a person who struggled with depression, and anxiety and almost became apathetic because of it. Let me tell you what the world ISNT, People dont usually look at you and laugh at you, They dont usually think badly of you... most people are very warm and welcoming... And trust me, I Know what it feels like when you look at someone and they smile at you... "Omg why are you smiling at me??! Am i that ugly? Whats wrong with me? CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!"... and thats just in your head. You see, Depression is a form of illusion if you wish, You see, hear, and feel things that arent there because you made it up in your head that Its there. And believe me i was there, i made these things up in my head too. But what i learned afterwards is that People smile at me because they are nice people. They laugh when you go near them because they were probably laughing anyway its not just me... people usually look at me with the same worries i look at them with, wich is usually "Am i good enough?".. sadly tho, i know that just knowing this wont make it better. But maybe it will help a little bit, well i hope it will :) So honestly how is it without depression? Well to be honest a lot of work, good work tho.. Depression is your mood, it controls your life and is all negative. when depression disappears you become a happier person, more positive, more motivated, filled with life and everything like that... Its mood related. So what do you need to work on when depression disappears? Everything. You need to work on your confidence, Self esteem, you need to work on accepting the fact that you are actually good enough just the way you are. I havent had depression in almost 4 months now and I still struggle with feeling good enough around people. but i have accepted that i have a lot to work with, and i work with it every day... Every single time i walk outside the door I seek eye contact with people rather then looking down in the asphalt... I Talk with random people be it girls or boys older people or fit people I do this because I know that i struggle with feeling good enough around these people. I Give out letters where its written "Have a nice day" because i feel insecure around girls so to work on the fact that i feel so uncomfortable around them, I seek a way to get close without scaring people and its in a harmless way as well, because they dont have to do anything in return. I exercise a lot, I exercise where there are always people exercising because I know that If you have something in common with people starting a conversation is usually a lot easier.. I Wish i could tell you that everything got fixed the day my depression was gone, and that my life is a happy fairytale and everything, but the day my depression disappeared I just found a billion things to work on, and i am improving as a person every single day as a result of wanting to.. You see, wanting to is the most important factor. Nothing will happen if you dont care about it. YOU need to want to change for change to happen, and i believe that depression is just the same... sure it wont fix it self tomorrow, or day after, it needs time. I read in the newspaper a few days ago "A good tip for life is to give a little less ****" and i couldnt agree more. Why are you letting all of these things that is bothering you bother you, thats a question you should ask your self every day.. Monday you might ask your self "Why did that woman buy these new shoes" And why exactly is that bothering you? and wednesday you might be bothered by the fact that your best friend "Vanilla" talks to another friend called Pistasjh and you might be bothered by it, ask your self WHY are you bothered? Just give a little less **** honestly. On friday you might have a cheating boyfriend, well why do you let him cheat on you and let it bother you? throw him out of your life or something, get done with it, dont let YOUR mood be affected because other people **** up their lifes. Its their loss they are losing you, not the other way around. Trust me :)
  3. I'll just apologize for my thread :) It seems like you guys are talking and are really Close wich makes the situation easier i Guess. :) But consider a therapist or something and see what he have to say? I mean as a teenager i know its pretty taboo to go to a therapist because People think Your nuts... But its really awesome actually.. and maybe then he will feel more ready to go back to School or do other stuff.. :)
  4. Your situation sounds like the exact same situation that i had With my parents.. I would often hide in my room when i was 16.. I am now currently 22 so its a while ago.. But to be honest With you, You sound exactly like my dad and that might not be the best compliment to get. My dad was also Overprotective, He tried figuring out solutions to my life that he didnt even have the answers to him self... the thing i am saying is, in his head he had made up issues to my life... He saw that i was not well, He saw that i was depressed, He saw that needed help... He drove me back and forth from the docotor "Asking whats wrong With this kid" and they said "There is nothing wrong With this kid" Then when that didnt work out He drove me to a mental hospital where i got tested for stuff such as Schitzhoprenia and other stuff... All the tests came out negative. So he started getting even worse... He never tried to understand me, He never really cared to try to involve him self in my life.. He only wanted to figure out what was wrong With me... And thats not good.. If you dont want to involve Your self in someones life, you have no rights to Trying to find help to solve it either. So either you Accept the fact that he have days where he doesnt feel good.. Or you get involved in his life.. But now i have said that, i will also give you a few tips that might solve the issue, but keep in mind they might have consequences that will be even harder to fix then now if you arent already Connected to him in a way. but my dad had already done a lot of damage by driving me to mental hospitals and hospitals and really show that He thinks there is something wrong With me.. So maybe you will have a easier time, i believe so since you show understanding of the situation but worried. Call up Your doctor and get a Appointment to Your son, in wich you want him to see if there is something deeper (it includes a conversation With questions, usually) If you have good contact With Your doctor, planning this might work.. In where Your son have to go.. Yeah it sounds harsh, but the goal is to get him help, (if you feel he trully needs it) Talk to Your doctor to maybe get him to go to therapist sessions... Believe me, he might not want it at first, but when he starts understand how therapy Works, He will probably appreciate it... I Loved my therapist... Best person i met in my life.. I got forced there, And my very first lesson she told me "I see you dont want to be here so this sesson will be short" and she told me "You dont have to come NeXT time, but if you do i'll be here" I showed up... Best time of my life, easiest the best year of my life, I wish i could keep her in my life.. but Yeah thats not how therapy Works sadly :) The Next thing my parents did to me, They threw me out.. I was living at a hotel for about 2 weeks before i found something else... I was living in the worst kind tho, the kind where drug addicts went too and a lot of rape was going on... Thats how the situation was... The best thing about the Whole situation was getting away from my Family.. I have lost all Connection With my Family and If it werent for my dad fighting to keep it, i would have lost the Connection With him too.. And thats because i have no interest in keeping contact With People who see me as a problem, I dont just want to be a issue.. A illness... Or maybe he is just 16 you know... He tries to figure out his own life.. And People do this in different ways... Some goes to isolation in their own room, Some go do drugs, Some simply take the easy way out, Other People follow a dream, And some ask questions about what to do Next, Or they dont know where they want to be... the future is a big step. Thats life honestly. and the best thing a parent should do wich mine didnt, is to involve and understand... :) By involving and understanding you might even fix the problem Your self... Instead of being worried about a issue that might as well be related to him not feeling Connected to you and he feels pressured by you in a certain way
  5. I wish i knew how... Sometimes i believe i am addicted to this pain, and that if i got it fixed my life would eventually become worse because i no longer live this "hardcore" Life.. I dont know.. Thanks a lot : ) I Dont know much about this forum, Usually i am sceptic to these kinds of forums because well, People... but Yeah I was willing to give it a go and i am surely gonna give it the shot it deserves. Maybe Your right.. Yeah i am greatful for People who Reach after me With their hands too, sadly those People are a rare breed, And sometimes they are hard to hang on too for obivious reasons.
  6. So I dont know how to Ask this question, How ever here i go... I guess. So I have a tendency to help people, I love helping people actually.. I have helped People get through anxiety, depression, Drug addiction, Suicide thoughts and Self harm and the list goes on and on. Helping People have given me a great deal of strength, their experiences have made me super strong.. I think this is the main reason i am still alive today and keep advancing in what we like to Call "life" but it feel more like a Cage then any "life" just to put that in context I am 22 years old, I have been through getting bullied, losing contact With my mom (she gave me away at the age of 16), I have had my Whole Family turn on me.. And the list goes on and on, If you believe in Hell and all that stuff, I have swam the deepest Oceans that exists Down there. Now I used Cage because thats what it feels like.. Everyone i help they are so greatfull and stuff, saying stuff like "Chris, you should become a therapist" And yes thats my name hello there. And they are going on With stuff like "You are so good With People, the girl that end up With you will be the luckiest person in the world" et cetera, Now that sounds like a good compliment, WOOH! Luckiest person. The thing i Wonder the most about this is, If she would be so Lucky to be With me, why wont People stay With me even as friends? I do have friends tho... But i have lost more friends to this "Cage" then i would like to admit. and the reason i use Cage is this, I seem to lift People up and Beyond and they are greatful and stuff.. But after they get out of this "Cage" i seem to get forgotten. they grow further and become happy and all that fine stuff.. I trully am happy for them I am, but i wish i wasnt forgotten in the process. Now you might say "you should go to a therapist, or pshycologist" or what ever.. I have actually.. I went to this girl therapist/phsycologist and I am soo greatful to her, because she also helped me up and Beyond wich was great it was a lift that I needed. But the weird thing With this therapist thing was that i went there for 12 months and every single week i looked forward to the Next time i would see her.. And she would say that to me as well "since you left last time I have been looking forward to this session" And we became "Friends" I use the "-" For friends because its not really allowed to be friends like that (i think) Now the weird part is, On my last day visiting her (she was getting a New job in a New Place (same therapist thing tho) and she hugged me (most awkward goodbye i have had in years... It never really came to goodbye) I think she held around me for like 10 minutes and she said "I Wish i could keep contact, And i trully hope we meet some day outside of this room" If i dont know anything different, this is highly unProfessional But its human So i Accept it + she was like 26 at the time and i was 20 so it wasnt really weird... But see any similarities? She helped me up and Beyond and somehow the contact got to an end, even tho i wish i could stay in contact With her, her Professional career as a therapist / pshycologist was in the middle of that.. understandably so, But it seems that every person I meet just makes me feel more alone then ever... in different ways... :c I Dont even know if this post will help me (I am sorry) i dont know this forum... But i just needed a Place to steam off, I Guess. Thanks for Reading.