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Catbug

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Everything posted by Catbug

  1. I saw a baby fox die yesterday. He was probably hit by a car and I brought him to a vet where he died the second he was put on the table. 3 months old, tiny, fluffy, abandoned by his mother. Died of internal bleeding. Can this week get any worse? Of course it can. When I told my boyfriend about my day he didn't bother writing something nice (even though he knows how much I love animals), calling or coming by. I thought he was going to comfort me just a little, instead he said he had other things to do and I was being self-centered. So I fell asleep crying. Today I woke up at 1PM as usual and had to talk myself into getting up. Then I noticed my hands are trembling from the Lithium again and cooking, cutting things is a pain. A couple of days ago I couldn't even apply makeup to a friend's face because they were trembling so much. It's deeply humiliating for me. I'm 20 years old for f*cks sake, not 70! I don't want this. And of course the Lithium alongside my other medication hasn't lifted my mood at all. Now I'm contemplating another night getting drunk and watching anime on my own. Dreading going to the university information's office tomorrow. Seriously **** EVERYTHING right now.
  2. Still waiting for an answer from the professor. Everything looks very bleak. I don't want to do nothing anymore, but going back to Uni means dealing with people again. Having to hold a presentation. Sitting in the back and talking to no one. All of my options feel like sh*t right now.
  3. My professor hasn't answered my email, even though I NEED THE GRADES OF THE LAST TEST otherwise I can't change subjects in time for the next semester! I'm so p***** that people at University don't give a about anything. All they said to me was "if you don't have your grades, we can't do anything for the change", what am I supposed to do if he doesn't put them up on the site? Or at least send them to me? My boyfriend says I need to pressure them, he's done it before otherwise they just won't get things done because they don't care. No matter what happens at this University, the student's always in the wrong and everyone else can do as they please. I've started learning japanese again and it helps a lot. My dose of lithium was upped but I just know that I'm feeling better because I have SOMETHING TO DO. I didn't find a job (that I trusted myself with) so I've been doing nothing for weeks. If I can't change subjects this semester and have no or few courses to attend to, I don't know what I'm going to do. Go insane probably.
  4. I vacuumed my room, the kitchen and the hallway. Wrote two mails. (Mails are a really big thing for me). Yay.
  5. I don't know if you'll get what I'm trying to say but... How I can lose entire months to depression and not remember anything about them at all. It's strange, they get "blacked out" and then I wake up all of a sudden, can see colors and get excited and motivated again. Like I'm re-born or something. Then someone says "Remember when that happened 2 months ago?" and I realize that I really can't and all I can do is laugh and shrug it off. I don't have amnesia, I don't have Alzheimer's but it's so weird and ****ed up ! Do you guys lose entire months like that too?? Is it normal?
  6. Yeah I agree with what Jehoikim said. I don't think it's bad that he's not answering, he probably doesn't know what to say. Some people are very flexible if you know what I mean - he's not used to that type of e-mail so he's uncomfortable. I personally don't see why he couldn't just write something like "Get well"... some people...
  7. I went shopping with my boyfriend even though I'm sick and have a terrible hangover. The sun is shining, it helps a lot.
  8. I think a lot of people with depression feel this way... When my boyfriend or my family ask me what's wrong, I never really know what to say. Just like you, I've never had anything really bad happen to me. No one died, no accident, no abuse... But I'm starting to think it really doesn't matter. I used to dwell on the reason for my depression but it didn't do any good. The best answer I've found and I repeat to people now is that depressed people just have a chemical imbalance inside their brain. That's it. Just like cancer will show up for no good reason at all.
  9. Hey, I just wanted to say that I think you have lots of courage. You're looking for jobs and taking your dog for long walks is really great. Lots of people with depression can't even be bothered to go outside or exercise. So you're not achieving nothing at all! Also the way you feel about your parents makes me think you're a very empathic person, which can be good in some cases, however it can also drag you down. It may sound harsh but try to think about yourself. You're not in a great situation and your parents are adults and they will deal with their own problems. You can offer them psychological support but don't feel guilty ! Hang on <3
  10. I made a list of my symptoms for my appointment on thursday. Weightgain, panic and uncontrollable crying every night, 12 hour sleep, no interest in anything... I'll be alone tonight. My boyfriend is off for a drink with some girl ("friend" whatever) so I can't fall asleep with him. I'm so scared, I know the crying will start soon (it's like throwing up) and everything just sucks right now. I'm also irrationally scared that my boyfriend will do something with this girl, even though he told me several times not to worry. ...just don't know what to do.
  11. Hey, I don't know if anyone else told you this/if you already know, but I thought it might reassure you ( a little): I've read that not remembering things can also be a part of what depression does to our brain, it's very frequent. I don't know of course but neither do you and you shouldn't worry about it before you get back the test results. hugs
  12. I just want an appointment NOW! I know it's my fault for messing it up but I need new medication... I'm scared of what the psychiatrist will say because I've basically tried every antidepressant already... Mother called today, guilt tripped me about not calling for 5 DAYS!!! I can't get ANY space. Also she called my psychiatrist and scolded me for missing my appointment... I don't have any privacy. Am I the only one with overbearing parents?
  13. I've missed my appointment with the social worker and one with my psychiatrist as well as bloodwork and ECG. I feel like a complete failure and *****. My antidepressants have clearly stopped working. I've been having nightmares and sleeping until noon every day because I'm exhausted all the time. I've had suicidal thoughts as well. I hope all of your holidays were alright, personally I'm glad that I don't have to see my family anymore. My father asked me about getting a job. Haha.
  14. Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had experience with an antidepressant that worked well for a time and then stopped being effective. I'm having a depressive episode right now and I had never really considered this possibility before i stumbled upon it on the internet. My questions are: how did you know it "stopped" and it wasn't "just because of you" ? Does this happen frequently? I'm on 240mg of Amitriptyline (Elavil). Any help would be appreciated, I'm having a really hard time.
  15. I feel shaky and horrible from the Ritalin I've taken today. I can't study otherwise but I always regret it when I'm done. My heart is beating so fast, I'm sweaty and I'm having trouble typing this. I probably won't be able to sleep. I'll play skyrim until I get sleepy and it makes me want to cry that this video game is where I'd rather live right now and it's been months and months... I want to cry and my boyfriend isn't there and won't return until the 30th (it's eternity for me...)
  16. So my brother has arrived with his girlfriend and it's almost christmas. I am extremely down. I can't enjoy being with my family because of it and I can't hide it. My dad made comments and it's exhausting to have to fake happiness all the time. I haven't seen my brother for years and he won't come back for a while, why can't I just be happy? I'm scared I won't be able to do the main-subject-switch at my university, I'm scared of holding a presentation in my tutoring class, I'm scared of getting a job. Just read my post and realized how boring all of this sounds. I guess Depression is just a very boring disease.
  17. OMG YAY ! Recommendations! :D Too bad our links got destroyed :( is there any way to share youtube videos? Maybe by private message? I want to listen to what virvellian posted :( Oh and my favorites: SLOWDIVE,Cocteau Twins, Lush, Sway, MBV, Tamaryn, Ride, Tame Impala...
  18. Feeling KINDA GOOD. I've realised that my anxiety before I leave for my tutoring course is silly. Everytime I come out of there, I feel alright and upbeat because it wasn't that bad. AND I've re-established contact with an old friend of mine, he came by Saturday and it was great. It feels so good to re-connect with that part of my life and I've honestly missed him a lot. Today, I didn't feel like drinking alcohol for the first time in a long while, and I know that's because of that friend. All I needed was to feel wanted and appreciated by people around me. I wish I could feel like this all the time.
  19. I just checked out the site, I expected so much worse... but I can understand why you're dissatisfied. However what your friend was saying makes sense I think. Do you think she will blame it on you if the website flops? Are you the only one in charge for the site?
  20. Hey Duck :) May I ask why your depression meeting didn't go well? I wish I could go to such meetings myself, there don't seem to be any in my area.
  21. I just went to the grocery store and made it out alive even though I almost had a panic attack at the cash register. Heart was beating like crazy and I was trembling. Now I feel like a ran a mile. Honestly, I wonder what it feels like for normal people to just go about their day, without experiencing extreme anxiety in completely mundane situations... ! Must be really great. Anyway, got alcohol and chicken now haha!
  22. Th Thanks havehope! I just got her on the phone and she can't see me until after New Year's. I've never had a job before and I'm very anxious socially so I'm looking for something with minimum social contact which is not easy to find...I'll just wait until January
  23. Was just wondering if there were fellow shoegaze fans out there! If you don't know what it is, listen to this for a start (hope it's okay to share that link!)
  24. All of your pet pictures just made me a little happy!! It really helps that they#re so BIG xD Feel like I'm there with them. Sending cuddles! I'm really bored. The social worker who was supposed to help me with a job didn't call and I only get her voicemail. I wish I could do something. I feel very guilty and I don't like thinking about explaining myself to my brother who's coming to visit. He'll probably tell me to get off my ass and do something with all that free time. I'm so depressed though :(
  25. Went to my tutoring class (which I dread), vacuumed, printed out texts I have to read for my course, made myself dinner... Sleeping alone tonight. Not looking forward to it.
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