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Raskolnikov

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  1. Wishing you a happy and healthy new year! :)

  2. "To care only for well-being seems to me positively ill-bred. Whether it’s good or bad, it is sometimes very pleasant, too, to smash things."

    — Fyodor Dostoyevsky; "Notes from Underground" :)

  3. Ah, I've since read Notes from Underground and I actually agree. It's my favourite of his novels. It's a bit sad, however, that at times I could really identify with the "underground man". Sigh...

  4. Indeed, and I must say, which might be going against the grain, "Notes From The Underground" is my favorite piece by him. Even though it is relatively brief...geez, you know? (Not that "Crime & Punishment" is anything to sneeze at, as I love that one too. I'll never forget the scene with the ax. So unbelievably...I don't even know the word. Maybe "THERE.")

  5. A Dostoevsky fan... nice! :)

  6. Your user name could not be more awesome! Sorry...just seeing it on the boards make my day. :) (Yes: I'm that much of a nerd.)

  7. The same thing happened to me, my gf moved out of province and was planning to come back in a couple of months to a year. She was even visiting regularly. The last time she visited, things seemed to be going great... then two weeks later, poof. She met someone new and things were over. It was such a shock because I was sure that this was the person I was going to spend my life with, and truly the first (and only) time I've ever felt accepted by someone. It's been difficult to deal with this loss, and at times I feel hopeless (I've never met anyone who comes close to comparing to her). I'm just trying very hard to work on myself and improve my life. I know that if I dwell on it, I'll feel very depressed, lonely and desperately searching for companionship in all the wrong places. Right now I'm not focusing on love... although if it happens to find me, I'd gladly accept.
  8. and a thousand other variables. I try to talk to people.. I'm just very anxious and awkward. I really hate when people say this. :sleep: I wish more people would be willing to give a shy person a chance... A lot of people think that to be shy you have to be a creep/psychopath or at the very least utterly boring. and of course, being shy and depressed is not a valid excuse for not working. You can only be a lazy and useless lowlife, not even worthy of being spoken to. Grrr, sorry for this non nonsensical mini=rant.
  9. Hi, I'm in the process of looking for a full time job. I'm in my early twenties and I still live with my parents. I've never really been able to hold a job, and I've never gotten a job on my own. My resume as a result is almost empty. I don't have much experience to put on, and the jobs I did keep for longer than a few weeks inevitably ended on bad terms (usually with me missing work and getting fired). Every job I've had has been retail or required me to be social, but I'm socially inept and I act awkward when people ask me questions. My coworkers usually think I'm stupid (and oftentimes insulting), and of course my bosses see me as weak, unreliable and generally not a good employee. Even when I have been punctual in the past, my social ineptitude is too much, and I just look useless. Firstly, I have no clue how to find work. I don't want to end up working at McDonalds because I think it would make me go crazy. I might be able to deal with retail, but I think I'd have the same problems. I feel way too anxious to go into a store and ask if they're hiring or hand in my resume.. and I'm already assuming that no one would willingly hire me considering my dreadful job experience. If I ever got so far as an interview, I'd be very socially awkward and wouldn't be able to answer any questions without sounding somehow incoherent. I'd also have to inevitably answer why I haven't worked in a while (almost a year now). Telling them that I've been suffering from depression would probably not go over well.... I know that this is something I have to figure out myself... but I was wondering if anyone had any advice. Has anyone every been in a similar situation? No experience, no social skills and looking for a decent job. -Trying to get my life back on track.
  10. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  11. A lot of people have told me that to get out of my depression I should find a hobby and do something I enjoy. That it would even be a good idea to just get out more, and that working on bettering myself first and foremost would be the key to my happiness. I've done just that. I've been working to improve myself and in a span of a little under a year I think I've vastly improved my somewhat destructive life style. I've greatly improved my living conditions, my health, my future and I've made an attempt to do the things I love. I've realized today though that I'm just as depressed as I was before I decided to turn my life around. Now, I just don't live in my own squalor. It's kind of difficult to explain this. I love being outdoors. I've made an attempt lately to get out on as many bike rides as I can because the exercise is good for me and I figure it's a good idea to get outside once in a while (after all staying in my room all week can get terribly depressing). Despite being outside and being active in the world, I felt more isolated than I ever have today. Maybe it sounds weird, but when I went out on my bike ride I felt like I was completely isolated from the world around me. That no one noticed me, and if I had jumped up and shouted at the top of my lungs no one would hear me. I've always felt like this. Insignificant, isolated and all alone in the world. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like no matter what I do I'll feel unhappy. I've tried to "better myself", I've tried to get out more, I've tried to meet people. I'm just too stupid, too ugly, too dull and too weird. I can't connect with anyone and nothing I do makes me feel happier. I really think that "bettering myself" has done nothing for me. All it has done really has made me fell like more a failure. To the contrary, I think the only way I can better myself is by feeling like I'm loved and cared for, by being able to just go out and have fun with some friends... to be normal. I know people just tell me I need to work on myself, find a hobby, etc. It really hasn't helped at all. and yes, I try to meet people but I just... don't fit in anywhere. I feel scared. When I was out bike riding, I had the urge to just go out into the forest somewhere and disappear for awhile. The most depressing part is that I honestly feel like no one would notice. I was outside today, sitting on a beach, and I felt like I was stuck in a lull. Time was frozen for me and everything else was moving around me. I felt like no one could see me, but I could see them. In a sense, this is how I always feel. I'm 20 years old now and my youth is slipping away. I don't want to die an old, lonely and bitter man. I really don't even know what to do anymore.
  12. My doctor prescribed me with a retonoid gel and minocin caplets. At first I think it actually made things worse... but apparently that kind of treatment takes a very long time to have an affect (upwards to 3 or 4 months). I guess I need to be patient. Is Accutane really that good? Why is it bad for your mental health?
  13. I don't like small talk either, and I have a problem feigning interest in people I really don't care much for (i.e. acquaintances). You're probably right though, those numbers are padded out by people that really aren't friends. I just felt bad because I realized the people I trust... I could count them on one hand. I don't think I've ever had more than one "real" friend at a time (I've had some best friends in the past who have drifted apart). My two "best" friends right now... one, I talk to her because she's an incredibly nice person. I hope this doesn't sound rude, but we couldn't be further apart from each other... and often times I could really care less about what she has to say. I very rarely see her (and as I said before, I'm probably an acquaintance to her, while I consider her a "real friend") but often times she goes off on tangents - gossiping about her friends - I really can't stand it and it makes me feel more isolated. My other "real" friend, I actually wish I was closer with her but she won't really allow it. She won't allow anyone to get close to her and often times just displays a passive aggressiveness, which, again, can be more isolating (I'm not sure if this is by some fault of my own or if it is just her nature). Anyways, either way, I really just want some people to be close with. I actually think in the last few weeks I've been missing relationships as well. I was in a very long relationship, then went into a few others. Often times (especially when I sleep), I really just miss being with someone, and holding them. It's been a while since I've been in a relationship, but it still feels... weird to go asleep alone. Does anyone ever feel like that? and lately I've been constantly reminded of things with my ex.. which doesn't help (one time when I think things were almost perfect, and now, bah!)
  14. My family... that's a weird situation. Being with my family is actually the place where I feel the most isolated. This is due to a few things really, first of all, I can't really get past this weird mentality that I've had since I was a kid. I have to watch my mouth, I avoid talking about "adult" topics. Even though my sisters seem to be fine around my parents, I really just can't get past this. Everything I say is restrained, sugar coated and I just avoid a lot of topics with them. I don't think I could ever even swear around my family (my sisters do plenty). Furthermore, I couldn't be more different from my family, really, absolutely nothing in common. Even our personalities clash. I usually just... act like someone else as to not cause a fuss (I dread to think what my family would think of me if I showed who I really was). But then, I have this same problem with anyone. There are so many things about me that I suppress because I'm worried what people will think. I know this is all information you didn't want to know, but.... family is no good. Don't get me wrong, I love them... but they're so conservative and close minded that I would immediately become an outcast if I acted myself (and the fake act is rather depressing in itself). I am seeing a social worker... but I don't think it helps. I really don't want to take medication, and anyways, I don't think it would help with my social anxiety. I'm not really... afraid of social situations (okay, I am, but it's not really anything that hinders my life). I'm more or less just unable to make conversation properly. I'm horrible at it, I never know how to respond to people. I say things that people are obviously not interested in. I don't know... sometimes I feel like the counseling I get makes things worse. It just reminds me of how lonely I feel without any real solution, and I don't think I'll ever feel better until I feel like it matters if I got out of bed (and often times I feel like it doesn't). Even if that's to a few people. A few great close friends would make me so much happier, and I wish I could get along better with people I don't know so well. I'm sorry to hear this, I hope you're feeling better. Yeah, most friendships that I've had in the past don't last long, and of course I always blame myself for it. This person stopped talking to me because I'm boring/dull/stupid (it varies depending on my mood). I guess it's a little difficult becuase, having no friends at all really, or at least, someone close to confide in... it always magnifies the problem, I mean, I want to have close good friends but I can't expect it to happen overnight, and I can't expect that someone I just meet is going to care for me deeply after talking to me for a week. But... it's depressing when the people you feel closest to probably see you in a much different way. They probably don't really care as much about me as I care about them, I might even just be an afterthought, an acquaintance, bah. Sorry, that last paragraph might not make complete sense. I'm very tired. I'm sorry to hear about your problems, I get along with the opposite sex a lot better too... but now I have such an unbelievably warped view of things (that's a whole other matter).
  15. I feel very ugly, and I realized it's beginning to take control of my life. I've always had acne when I was a teenager... it was never very bad. However, very recently in the last year or two it's been piling up. I think I look hideous, the side of my face has red spots all over it and I can notice them in the mirror across from my room. I'm so embarrassed to take pictures of myself because the flash seems to magnify the problem. It's not just bad, it's absolutely hideous! I hate feeling like I can't take a decent picture of myself.. Anyways, I've realized that I'm beginning to purposely stay indoors. I am getting ready to go out to school/work/whatever and I end up staring at myself in the mirror, feeling like I'm so horribly ugly and opting to stay home instead because I don't want to show my hideous face outside. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to look so ugly. I'm trying to get help for the acne (which would be a HUGE confidence boost) but I don't think it's working... well the stuff my doctor gave me now isn't really helping at all and she's not going to set up an appointment for another month... bah! I can't take this. Sigh..
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