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  1. Constantly. Ugly, unlovable, pathetic failure are just a few that come to mind. Problem is that it's all true. I'm not the type of person to lie and tell myself to the contrary that I'm a handsome, successful, great catch. Historical data has shown otherwise........
  2. Actually feeling pretty good! I have my first show tonight with a new band which I'm excited about. Something so therapeutic about screaming my heart out on stage.
  3. Close bereavement, divorce or common law "divorce". Parents or self. Parents divorced and remarried when I was a kid. My mom has been through 3 marriages, and almost ended the third when I was a kid. Probably plays a role in my commitment issues. Serious accidents or acts of nature such as hurricanes etc Skateboarding accident when I was 15. Fractured my skull and was in a coma for 13 days. Pretty sure it's why I'm so f-ed in the head.
  4. Feeling ok I guess. Rollercoaster ride of emotions Last night I went out with a girl who I dated years ago, who I truly feel is my soul-mate, if such a thing exists. She's been here a lot on business lately and after years of forgetting all about her I am realizing what an ***** I was for letting her go. She knew all about my baggage. Depression, suicide attempts, and was still crazy about me. We get along so well, and conversations just flow effortlessly. We have the same witty, sarcastic, cynical sense of humor, and I always end the night feeling "high". Seriously, of the hundreds of girls I've dated I never felt like this. Problem is that now she is engaged, has a kid, and lives thousands of miles away. The last thing I want to do is get in the middle of two people and their child. I just can't do it even though there is so much sexual tension between us. Flirting, touching, etc. As much as I enjoy being with her though, it is actually pretty crushing to know we will realistically never be together and I blew my chance years ago when I was too concerned with "playing the field". Didn't know what I had at the time. I'm wondering if I should just cut her off since it is almost too much to bear feeling so good only to be left sitting her alone afterwards, devastated. I try to tell myself to just enjoy the good times we have together, but for some reason I end up just feeling worse than before afterwards. It's like all my pain and depression get's pushed back inside for a few hours only to come bursting out in even greater intensity later. When I can put on a fake smile, and feel like putting the effort to meet girls I do pretty well. The problem is that they're all just pretty faces who make me cringe with their so called "conversation skills". The upside is that we got dinner, so at least I ate for the first time in like 3 days. Plus, I cleaned my apartment today, or rather, de-cluttered so my cleaning lady could clean. Same thing, right? Feel like a mildly functional human being.
  5. Numb and apathetic. Realized all I've eaten in the last 3 days is a bag of baby carrots. Should probably eat. Days at work have just been me blankly staring at the computer with my headphones on for a few hours, and buying tons of crap I don't need. My apartment is filled with unopened boxes with probably ~$30k worth of clothing I don't even care enough about to open up. Yea, I know, it's disgusting. If I manage to pull it together I'll at least have some nice things to wear, right? Today I decided pi** my money away on copious amounts of Christmas presents for my niece since she will at least enjoy it. That made me feel good for a fleeting moment. Thinking of going out for drinks with a girl I met a while back that I've just been blowing off, but worried I'll just be miserable to be around. Going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow since my meds clearly aren't working for me at the moment. I desperatley need to get out of this seemingly endless rut, but just don't know how.
  6. I definitely know where you're coming from. I never had much luck with girls for years and years. But you know what's funny? I would have girls that were friends that I thought wanted nothing to do with me and never made a move, only to find out later that they were super into me but thought I wasn't into them. I can almost gurantee this is the case with you, but you likely don't realize it due to apparent self-worth issues. I managed to get over it to some extent, but still have an absolute lack of self-worth and some MAJOR body dismorphia issues which plague me to this day. I hate looking in the mirror and try to avoid it as much as I can. Despite having luck with girls, I am convinced I'll never know what love is. I'm a vain, shallow, piece of crap who probably isn't deserving of it anyway. I agree with Lynn about just getting yourself out there though. Learn how to interact with girls, get them to laugh and smile. It will build confidence and make you more comfortable. They don't have to be the prettiest. Let's be real, you won't go from getting 0 to picking up the finest girls. They require a LOT of effort unless you're like a male model, in which case, we wouldn't be having this conversation. So yea, not worth it. Also, those girls judging you for TV shows you recommended. Really? I wouldn't sweat that man. Generally speaking, guys and girls are going to have different tastes in like, well, everything. They might be laughing at your shows, meanwhile they're watching the Kardashians or some garbage like that (no offense to all the Kardashian fans out there, haha). Own your opinions. If that was the deal-breaker then, oh well, move on. I know it's easier said then done, but start out slow and realize you can't please everyone. If a girl doesn't like me oh well. I don't like a lot of girls (or most people for that matter). As lame as it sounds, there is someone out there for you that you'll click with. You just need to put yourself out there, and not worry about the outcome and it will happen. Like I said, there are most likely girls out there that like you already, but waiting on you to make the move. Now if you want to know about relationships I'll let someone else handle that since I I'm wortless when it comes to that.
  7. Lately it has occupied pretty much every waking moment of my life. My meds aren't cutting it anymore. I've cut myself off from friends because I can't even fake it anymore. At work I'm just a life-less drone. Spacing out in my meetings. Headphones on the rest of the day. Waiting to get fired at this point. It all seems so pointless......
  8. So, I feel like I'm not "programmed" to be happy, no matter what I achieve, or how good things look from the outside, I just can't manage to be content and happy with my life. To everyone around me I have it all: a ridiculously high-paying job. Beautiful apartment in Manhattan. Pretty good looking, extremely fit guy. Travel the world. Interesting hobbies. A loving supportive family. Yet, despite having all of this I still feel alone and empty, even when I'm surrounded by friends and family. I've become an expert at feigning happiness, usually just to avoid being berated by others who can't comprehend why I'm so miserable. I always have to chuckle when acquaintances and co-workers say something like "You're always so happy and positive". Guess it's just my sociopathic tendencies which allow me to cover up whats really going on in my screwed up mess of of a mind. Everytime I talk to someone about it they give me the same generic response, "So many people would give anything to have what you do." 'Be grateful for what you have. There's people out there who can't afford to eat, put a roof over their head, etc etc." All this does is make me feel even s***tier about myself. I know I should be grateful for everything I have, and can't help but wonder why I can't manage to convince myself to just sit back and enjoy the life I've worked so hard to get. It's just the way I've always been I guess. I attempted suicide when I was 19, but somehow failed at that, and now at 31, the only thing keeps me from "finishing the job" was seeing how devastated my mom was. If she wasn't still alive I know i wouldn't still be here. I just can't stand to let her down and hurt her like that again. I doubt anyone else would care to be honest. I dream of some catastrophic accident happening like a plane crash, a shark attack while surfing, or something dropping on me from a construction site which would end this misery without letting anyone down by ******* myself. It's ****ed, I know. I'm not sure what the point of this aimless rambling post is, but I guess I just had to vent since lately I've been struggling daily to keep it all together. I can't help but feel that if every day from here on out is going to be like the last 30 years then screw it. Not worth it. Wish I just knew how to be normal, and find joy in everything I've been blessed with. Don't think I ever will though. So yea......Hi
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