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One More Red Nightmare

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Everything posted by One More Red Nightmare

  1. Is it really a "chemical imbalance"? That honestly sounds like BS to me. Personally I've carried a deep sadness about the world with me since I was a little kid. I always felt something was off here, and I never quite fit in.
  2. I'm in a similar position, tryinghard. I'm 50, my job is hanging by a thread, my further employment prospects are very uncertain, and the one person I counted on to help me has booted me out of her life. I feel so alone and anxious at a time when my successful peers are secure and enjoying life with their established careers and supportive families. I don't blame anyone else for my troubles, but I also don't completely blame myself. I'm just a really poor fit in this world and society. I battle demons that others can't understand. I do think I'm a good and kind person and have been very generous to loved ones. But I just can't find my place in this world. At this point the thought of starting over from nothing is terrifying. The one person who could have helped me, whom I helped so many times, now hates me for reasons that are hard to understand. I don't want to participate in this game of life anymore. I hate it. I wish it would just end for me. But that's not the way it works here. May God help all of us on here. We need help!
  3. You don't have to tell your boyfriend you went to the hospital, but don't cut yourself any more. Just don't do it! You don't want to end up back in that hellhole. Do your best to endure the pain of depression and anxiety. It's a curse a lot of us have to bear. You're not alone, but normal people can't understand it.
  4. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that post reads like a stealth advertisement.
  5. I think the competitiveness and pressure of our materialistic society definitely causes depression. You constantly compare yourself to others, many of whom seem to be doing much better in life than you, in many measures (economic, career, family, friends). Of course everyone has their problems, but you know what I mean. If you feel you don't measure up to them for whatever reason, you feel shame and low self-esteem. Of course this depresses you.
  6. Lately I wake up almost every morning at about 2:00 a.m. in a cold sweat and terrified. It's the worst feeling in the world. Nothing stops it from coming or makes it go away. I can only live with it. I go through the day in cold anxious despair, forcing myself to do the tasks I need to do at work and at home. My life has become a living hell. My passion is gone. My joy is gone. My creativity and humor are gone. I fake it around other people as best I can. I hate what I and my life have become. I am so ashamed and afraid of being a failure to my family. This is not who I was or was supposed to be. So what to do when it all fails, as the OP asks? Just go on, I guess. Suicide is not an option. (It doesn't work, for reasons that would sound crazy if I tried to explain them here.)
  7. You should just do it for yourself as a creative outlet. It doesn't have to be a career or a money-making venture. Having a creative outlet is important for mental health, I think. (I currently have none. I used to write poetry and was pretty good, but inspiration dried up.)
  8. Well, I've been growing for about 4 decades, then..
  9. Just had lunch with my ex-wife on her birthday. She is doing well and seems happy. You might remember when I first started posting on here I wanted to get back with her and was distraught when she turned me down. I am happy to see her happy but still so sad that I ruined that marriage over the stupidest reason (another woman who just used me and discarded me). I imagine still being with my wife and being happy now. Too bad we can't undo the horrible mistakes we made. We reap what we sow, unfortunately. What a great woman she is. Man, did I screw up. :( So depressed now..
  10. Oh, cool. I'm not alone on here. What are the MEs that you experienced that freaked you out the most? What do you think causes them?
  11. You're not the only one. Awareness of the illusory nature of this life can feel like a curse. I'm 50 and have worn the mask my whole life. Now I feel like I'm out of gas and don't want to play the game anymore. But there is no choice. I just want to endure until the end with as much dignity as I can. Hopefully I can still bring something good into others' lives, just a little bit at least.
  12. This thread is for those who experience MEs. (If you don't know what that is, consider yourself lucky and do not research it. :) ) Does awareness of the shifting nature of reality help or worsen your depression? Some consider it liberating; others highly disturbing. I vascillate between both.
  13. Facebook Groups about the Mandela Effect. No topic has ever fascinated and disturbed me so much.
  14. I understand not everyone believes in God, and I am not trying to push the idea on anyone. It's what I see as the root cause of loneliness, though. Perhaps you could call it separation from a higher purpose. I don't think simple human relations can overcome this existential loneliness.
  15. Be proud you can play and teach music. I love music, but my attempts to play revealed I lack natural talent and the "ear" for it.
  16. Every.Freaking.Night now I dream about my former best friend and soul mate who abandoned and denounced me. I hate it; it's torture. There's nothing I can do. I can try to keep her out of my thoughts during the day (which is hard enough), but I'm defenseless at night. If I could just hate her like she seems to hate me, it would be easier. But I can't.
  17. Constant fear and sadness, a feeling of disassociation from people and society.
  18. Keep fighting until the end, brother, no matter how much it hurts. Death will come for all of us soon enough. No need to rush it. (Think of the possible bad consequences of offing yourself, including having to reincarnate and go through it all again, not to mention the pain your daughters will feel.) I was writing suicide notes at the beginning of 2016 but decided to keep going. I'm not living for my happiness anymore because I can't feel it. I decided I want to serve others as much as I can and just endure until the end, no matter how much I hate it. I consider it a challenge. :)
  19. I had been doing considerably better for a number of months. I wasn't doing great, but I felt more human and less anxious. Now I feel myself slipping again. Feelings of impending doom are returning, and I'm feeling more and more disassociated from people and the world. I feel like my mind is slipping away, and it scares me a lot. I'm also terribly worried about my 22 year-old daughter. She lives with her mother, goes to school part time. But she doesn't work and barely leaves her room. I see signs of mental illness in her, and it breaks my heart. I know this curse was passed down from me. :( Schizophrenia and depression run in my family. I fear she'll never be independent. 3 weeks ago I quit smoking green stuff. I had been a daily smoker for years. I actually feel a lot worse since I quit. Maybe I should go back. Life is so easy for a lot of people, it seems. For a lot of us on here, it's such a struggle. And the world is so effed up and divided. What a mess.
  20. Fast in the morning and at night. I restrict my eating to the period from 11 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., though I will allow apples and a few walnuts sometimes. It really works. It's hard for a couple of weeks, but your body adjusts. I really got my weight under control by following this regime for a few months.
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