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About dylansdarkmind

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  • Birthday 06/03/1993

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    My family, I like to write, learn about psychology, listen to podcasts and music. I am very much an introvert and prefer to do everything indoors.

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  1. To Lynn1954: Hi back. And thank you for the advise. I have been trying to learn how to navigate the site a bit better. At this time, I'm not really looking to address topics based on this post. So much has happened, It would be extremely difficult to address any or all topics as each one may require hours of back and forth. I just wanted to get as much of my story out there as I can early so at least anyone who reads other posts can find some background. But thank you for offering a chance to talk and making me feel welcome. To 20yearsand counting: Thank you for your support and helping me feel welcome. I hope I will find, at the least, support and friendship. Also wanted to say the quote: 'Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there.' -Vine Deloria, Sioux This is onw of my favorite quotes when trying to explain how I am spiritual.
  2. I'm sorry taht I'm not really replying to any posts yet. I'm new here and I don't know if I am in a space to really provide support yet. The minute life levels out I will.Thank you all for support and allowing me to post about all my issues. I hope I can repay the favor in the future.

  3. Hey everyone, For some brief background knowledge, I work at a call center that contracts with many companies. I provide CS for a heal insurance company that provide HMO plans for people with Medicare and Medicaid. I had an episode today at work. I believe I posted about an email I sent to my supervisor yesterday. In any case, I was called into my HR coordinator's office, I'll call her HR. along with my operations Manager, who I will call C, and my sup, I'll call AM. I had wanted to talk to HR about Getting PTO for missing work. This conversation went fine until they started to talk to me about the email I sent. HR stated that I was upset at my sup for contacting the police and having them come to my home, in fear I was suicidal. I was, and still am, upset about them calling the police because the email had nothing to do with suicide, though I could understand how it would me misunderstood. I tried to explain to all three people this is not me threatening suicide. They all went on saying a bunch of corporate bulls*** and saying they did it because they care. I believe that AM cares but not HR or C. (this is where I ramped up and began to raise my voice and curse at time). I went on to explain that the email was to let AM know I do not know when I will be returning to work. To skip a lot of repeated arguments, C just shut everyone out and explained that they are required to report these issues under state and federal law (this I had brought up and let them know I understood). He continued to say I can't talk to my friends on the call floor about these issues because it disrupts work and production. (I should note that I was pretty p***** off about the cops being called all day and was venting to friends on the call floor and was reacting poorly to another agent that was also causing problems). I tried to help him understand why I was upset. He cut me off and expressed how upset he was about all that took place on the call floor and this is strictly business. I got very angry and defensive saying there was no reason to suspect suicide and if all he cares about is business then he doesn't understand what we are talking about. I also said all they wanted to talk about is how their police and my mental health are connected. I cut whoever was talking off and told them that none of them are mental health professionals and have no right to talk about what I'm going through and what my problems are like. He then spouted off for a solid 5 minutes repeating the same . Once C was done, I asked if we were done here and he said yes. I then stormed out of the office Even now I am p***** off. about the whole issue because they won't accept my medical reason for missing work as an excused absence, as they no longer except doctor's notes, when they are aware of my history. They don't give a **** about how I feel and my side of a story. I feel like I was cornered to be lectured. I plan on apologizing to AM as she has my best interest at heart and did not deserve to be talked to that way. HR I could not give a **** about because she could care less about any person issues unless it has business implications. Where I have no clue what to do is with C. Although I do feel bad for talking to him the way I did and showing him disrespect, I also don't feel what I said was wrong. I want him to understand my position, at least from a personal perspective. Should I address it at all? Should I talk to him one-on-one without HR there? should I write him a letter. Or should I do nothing. I just want to make amends and move on.
  4. Hey Everyone, I'm new to forms and just want to share my story, as much as I am comfortable with anyway. Although I have been in therapy for 3 years anow, There is quite a bit I still want to share. So, here it goes ******​POTENTIAL TRIGGERS******** My mental health issues really began when I was 7 years old. I was horrifically molested by a kid 5 years older than me. He would orally and anally rape me. At times, he had other males, as well as other females get involved. He did it in my home, his home, and at school. He tortured me by video taping what he was doing and making me watch as well as physical torture. He forced me to walk around naked. He was the first person to give me an orgasm. I won't go into more detail but that is just scratching the surface. While all this abuse was happening, my parents divorced. My life is a blur from ages 7-9 and I can only remember the abuse and how my parents, or anyone for that matter, noticed. The abuse stopped after I turned 9 due to another town. When I turned 12, we moved to Minnesota. In Minnesota, I became violent. I got into physical altercations with my mom, altercations I went to juvenile hall 8 times for. I played the mental health card to get out of trouble and went to multiple therapists, therapeutic groups, in home therapists, and physiatrists. I never talked about the abuse in my past. Around 14 I started drinking, smoking garden shrub, and smoking cigarettes. I would sneak out at night, skip school, and other normal rebel/ troubled kid behaviors. Around 15 I was dealing garden shrub and stopped getting in fights with my mom. Around 17 I stopped dealing and things were finally getting better. But my mom and I were still at each other's throats. I should also mention at the time I was on 1800 MG of Seroquel, 2400 MG of another drug I can't remember, a high dose of lithium and on and 10 MG of Zyprexa. My problems came to a head in January of 2012 and my mom kicked me out. Instead of going to a homeless shelter, like my mom wanted, I moved to my dad's house in Illinois. After moving, I weaned myself off all my meds. The, on 8/08/12, I was raped my the woman who I lost my virginity to, I'll call her H for anonymity purposes. I'm not saying anything more about the rape itself because its too hard to tell that story. I started therapy a month later. As I was going through therapy and dealing with what happened and finally opening up about the abuse I suffered in my childhood, I find out through a mutual victim fo H's that she was six months pregnant and had killed herself with a sawed off shot gun to her abdomen. in her suicide note, she said it was my baby girl. Now, after multiple inpatient psych stays, rehab, and years of therapy, I am somehow still alive with the love of my life and a 16 month old child. I am still struggling with PTSD, clinical depression, substance abuse, and other problems I don't have a name for. I now only take 15 MG of Remeron and try to continue survive. ************************************************************************************************************************ That's all I can share tonight as I am emotionally exhausted, I hope you all stay safe and thank you for your support and I only hope I can provide support as well. Dylan
  5. ****TRIGGER WARNING****​ I wished this was more talked about. I was terrible sexual abused as a child for two years, as well as raped at 19 years old. When I tell people I have PTSD, they assume I was a vet and it has to be this whole conversation. I have been activly dealling with PTSD for 3 years but have been suffering with it for 13 years. Although its important to talk about our troops having PTSD from combat, its just as important to talk about everyone who suffer for various other reasons as well. I greatly appreciate this post and thank you for not making feel like I'm not alone.
  6. When I look at my daughter, I see this innocent joy and honesty that just doesn't seem to exists in adults, not to speak for everyone else. What happend to caus the loss of innocence and true happyness of a child as we grow up? Is it just reality or do we loss that child in us that allows the happyness to expose itself in the middle of darkness.

  7. Thank you deboriole. I'm gonna see what I can do until this is sorted out. Thank you for your suggestions. I have also never heard of Bipolar Blackout. That will be something I'll look into.
  8. Why does the world seem to keep people down, yet some people are just happy with how life is? Is there something I'm missing or do they not see the clouds that darken life.

  9. hey everyone, I'm a new user. For a little background, I currently suffer from manic depressive bipolar, PTSD, and substance abuse issues. I recently went to rehab and got clean. Since I have been clean, I have been having an issue with disassociation. I have had this issue in the past with PTSD. When flashbacks are bad enough, I will lose periods of time. Generally, I come out of it and nothing happened or I acted out the abuse that happened in my past on myself. But recently I have been dissociating for periods at time. Sometime just 20-30 min, sometimes hours. They seem to come for no reason. When I come back, I have sent emails to my supervisor at work about suicide, I self injure, I have relapsed, I have even attempted suicide on one occasion. But, people say I don't seem any different when I'm in this state, which is confusing because of what has happened in this state. The most recent occurrence was today. I took the day off of work because I couldn't get out of bed I'm so depressed. Then, I lost a couple hours. Next thing I remember, I have a cop at my door asking if I sent any messages (by this I knew he meant emails) to wok and if I'm ok. I told him I'm ok and didn't send any messages. He saw my daughter and girlfriend are with me and left. I checked my email and I sent my supervisor this message: "Sorry I'm not there today. IDK what I'm going to be doing here in the coming days, as IDK if I'll be at work, home, or discovering another world which none of us can imagine. All I do know is, I need to stop the voice telling me my madness is normal. See, this is no longer about a damn job, its about making a change from suffering to freedom. Taking this internal darkness and illuminating it for all to see. The is something greater at work. What is at work, idk, nor do I understand to what end. All I can tell is evil and good are at war. And I'm stuck in the middle of it all. I know this sounds crazy but I think you know what I'm saying. Take this however you wish. Report this to C**** if you must, call the cops again. If you do anything outside of take this info for what its worth, then I know you don't understand why I am telling you all this, nor what it means. That makes me a fool for trusting someone whom I think understands what I'm saying." ​ I have no clue what this means nor do I remember writing it. I have tried to understand how I think and feel when this happens through a journal. The symptoms I have learned from this journal seem like a mixture of schizophrenia, PTSD, and manic bipolar. I seem to become period, obsessive, and replaying childhood trauma over and over again. Both my therapist and psychiatrist have ruled out dissociative identity disorder, also know as multiple personality disorder, as well as any medication interactions. None of us seem to know what is going on. And I'm become very scared of these episodes.​ I am asking for help and to see if anyone has ever experienced or what I can do. I'm scared something will happen while this is happening. Thank you for any help you can provide, dylan
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