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Marie1914

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  1. Hi Coolcat, Thanks for your reply. I should have explained re the lexapro...I've written before in the prozac thread while I was tapering over about it. I did great for nine months on lexapro and then suddenly felt awful....I went on holidays and was so down and irrational. I felt like flinging myself off the balcony, I knew something was so wrong cos holidays were the one time I would be less anxious than normal even without meds. So when I got home I went to my gp, she was away and there was a locum who upped me from 10mg to 15mg...over the course of two weeks I went round the bend....not my normal anxiety or depression... totally off the wall. So I went back to my original Gp and we traced the change back to the wk my chemist changed me from brand lexapro to generic lexapro. My gp said she had experience with patients who didn't do well on generic anti depressents and anti psychotics and could explain why I was feeling so bad. We went straight back to 10mg of brand, after 4 wks no improvement so increased to 15mg and so on up to 20mg with no improvement. Added lyrica...had an allergic reaction to that and started weaning off lexapro completely and onto the rollercoaster I've been on all year. Two wks on 225mg effexor now and I'm taking quarter tab of seroquel every few hrs and a full one for bed. Still very sleepy, I did talk therapy Wednesday which felt like a relief...lots of tears. Finished up work for good Friday. Felt strange but felt relieved too. Saturday and today were a wash out tho, lots of crying and getting frustrated. I really hope effexor can help eventually. It would be amazing if lexapro could work again. You never know, none of it makes any sense to me, all I know is I never felt so good as I did on such a small amount of lexapro...I wish I could get back there :-( it's 10.30pm here and mam went to bed at 7pm, I've just found her in the sitting room fully dressed eating her breakfast, I said did you sleep in your clothes? No I just got changed I've slept for hours! I said you only went to bed three hours ago! I tried to get her back into her pyjamas, she said but I have to be ready for 1pm for my walk. That's over 24hours away I said. So she got back in her pj's eventually. But I can hear her up now making tea. I'm so tired. Unfortunately the dementia she has is pretty untreatable. It's fronto temperol lobe dementia. The only pro when it comes to this over other forms according to the neuro psychologist is that the patient is blissfully unaware of most of the symptoms. The only thing I can do tho is keep her comfortable and entertained as best I can for now. They can't give a timescale of how quick things will progress or deteriorate but all they can say is that it will. He said the disease progressed quickly in the last 6-12 months, it could continue at that rate or stall for a while and stay as she is now for months or years and then progress again. I wish the mri was out of the way now so there was a clearer picture..not that it will change the diagnosis but could give more of an idea of how things will progress. Sorry I'm just rambling a bit now. Thanks again
  2. Hi Standup, thanks for that. What dose worked for you if you don't mind me asking? I'm going to just start counting from last wk when I started on 225mg. The seroquel is making me seriously stoned....I've been sleeping/napping all weekend and still feel like led :-(
  3. Thanks for that Epictetus, I'll take all the prayers I can get right now. Fingers crossed effexor kicks in soon and starts to work...even just a little will do for now Lol
  4. Hi all, I've not posted since March, I had signed up to the forums while switching over meds and mainly in the Zoloft thread. I tried meds for the first time at age 32/33 (35 now) after a really severe depression knocked me down. It worked instantly and for 8-9 months I was so contented and alive for the first time ever. I've had major episodes of depression on and off since 8 years of age.l, never felt ok or normal but I was a good actress so got by in life seeming ok but it was exhausting pretending all that time. So when lexapro stopped working I tried prozac, that was a nightmare. Then zoloft...not a nightmare but no difference, tried it at all doses but no luck. Around this time I was posting in the forum and looking for hope, but life got in the way and got a lot messier. My 63 yyear old mother who I live with has been diagnosed with early onset dementia. It's been exhausting trying to get her diagnosed and get help, no one believed me thst there was a problem, which made me think I was going insane and has really ramped up my anxiety and depression. Around the same time as teying to get help I finally got my psychiatrist appointment I had been waiting a year for. She took me off zoloft and put me on effexor. We have been doing small increases as I'm very sensitive to side effects. 1wk @ 37, 2 wks @ 75, 4 wks @ 112, 4 wks @ 149, 7 wks @ 187 all with no side effects but also no visible or clear benefits. I'm so confused by life and situational stuff at the moment that I'm not sure I'd notice evn if it was working but I'm getting scared. I'm finishing up work next wk after 12 years in the job and taking a redundancy so I can become my mother's carer. My brother has been so unsupportive, came out of the wood work to try and find out what he was entitled to in my mams will and if he could look after her finances cos he's an accountant, talked to me like I was a piece of and. gave no real help or support. I asked him not to contact me unless he could be civil and supportive and if he couldn't he should keep away and call the hospital himself if he wants to be informed about mam's health, that was over a month ago and he hasn't contacted me once. He's phoned mam twice and sent flowers for her birthday. I have type one diabetes and last wk I deliberately didn't take my insulin when I ate or correct for high sugars for a whole day. I knew I was harming my body and could end up unconscious or worse but I didn't care. I was so done. Not in an I want to die way but more I don't care if I wake up kind of thing I saw the psych last wk and she upped me to 225 effexor and added seroquel to help it work and help me sleep. The mental health nurse visits once a wk for a chat. I told them both about how low I felt and not wanting to wake up and they reassured me it was normal under the circumstances. I told them how scared I am that I will never be ok, that the only time I felt I was part of thr human race was when I was on lexapro, even my physical pain and tension in my neck and back ive had since my teens disappeared (back with a vengeance now) and that if effexor is a strong drug that works for most people and im now on thr highest dose and feel where do I go from here!? That mam's going to get worse and it's going to be really for a while but even then I'll still feel and hopeless. Like I was born to feel not ok and not have any joy or hapiness in life. I know my friends would say im happy and fun to be with but it's no real it an act and it's soul destroying. The nurse keeps saying I'm strong and not to give lexapro all the credit thst I got myself better but it's not true. I was able to help myself once lexapro kicked in and without it I couldn't do it on my own. We talked about sitting with my feelings and I cried and cried, she said I've always blocked my feelings and talk about thoughts and thinking and doing my way out of my feelings and could I try and sit with them. It's do painful thst I litterally just cry and can't stop sp have to distract!I feel very scared and vulnerable, on edge, insecure, sad, angry, frustrated, hopeless. Worthless, not good enough, wrong. I feel all of these all the time and then I'm exhausted and indifferent. From talking with her we've worked out that through my childhood I was depressed and when I tried to express my feelings I was told to snap out of it, shut uo, stop causing trouble etc so I became anxious with my feelings and distracted and tried tp push them away and down, it makes sense, but right now im so exhausted trying to keep my mam healthy and sort appointments and support for her while trying to stay sane and control my diabetes, that really I need the med to kick in so that I can feel my feelings less intensely for a while! Lol Anyway just need to vent, update, see if anyone can give some positive feedback with staying on effexor right now. The seroquel is making me very sleepy and dopey. At times I feel too tired to even feel or think but not in a good way, in a heavy way....agaij not sure what's meds, what's situational, whats just mad me!! Ok starting to ramble better stop.
  5. Oh Krissy thanks so much....it really helps to hear from people who get it... its scary losing yourself over and over again like this :-( Your teens sound very like mine....(I drank and took ecstasy from the time my dad died around 17yrs old) I'd drink before school (if I went) I'd leave the house on a Thursday night and arrive home in a Monday or Tuesday morning not knowing where or what I had been doing...people thought I was having fun and being the life and soul of the party but I was dying inside....so full of fear and anxiety and hopelessnes....I had help from a relative who got me into fitness and weightlifting and for a while I was really great, fit and healthy and happy.. I went travelling with friends (thailand and Australia! :-) ) and had a lovely few months where I thought "oh I can do this life thing...and actually enjoy it!" Lol. But when I got home, all my anxieties came back and within a few months I got very sick.. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at aged 23 which sent me into another depression.....I came out of that by educating myself and becoming really extreme about diabetes management and food and medication and exercise.....again everyone thought I was doing great cos I looked well and was coping and treating myself with a very serious illness and instead of telling people or even myself how hard it was I would hide the hard bits and try to just truck on. But I burned out and stopped taking my insulin properly or counting my carbs....my immune system broke down...I got lots of infections, which made me more depressed. I've always looked for help myself...never from family or friends.... I would look online...I tried hypnotherapy, counselling etc but never got anywhere...I just felt wrong and not right. I described it to a friend as feeling ilke I was sitting on the moon looking at all the people I loved and who loved me, all my friends with their families or my work colleagues and school friends everyone being ok with themselves and relaxed with who and what they are (I know this is irrational and that logically is not true) but I was up there feeling like an alien...so isolated from them and life....wanting to be part if it and knowing they want that for me too but me not being able to be that....until I got on lexapro! Then I felt the distance between me on the moon and where everyone I loved was became less and less until I finally felt connected and ok with them...and everybody and everything else in life too! Fom as young as 7 or 8 (when my dad first got diagnosed with lung cancer and maybe even before his diagnosis) I was anxious and worried about everything....had ocd and what I now know as pure O thoughts....and my first major depression too. I became obsessed with death and dying and had what I now know as an existential crisis....not just a normal child's questioning about death but a huge all encompassing terror of the meaning/pointlessness of life and death. I felt so hideous in my head so sad and scared and I knew I had a certain amount of yrs on the planet...that yes my died would die...but eventually we all would. And how could I cope with another 70 yrs of this pain nd sadness just to die! And after death what happens then! The nothingness or more pain that comes after forever! I know how insane that sounds for such a young child...and for years I thought I was litterally insane and tried to hide those worries but over the years I have spoken to others who had the same thoughts and know that it's normal to think things like this but because I was anxious and my family situation and not getting professional help (blame catholic ireland in the 80's for that lol) it turned into huge depression for me. My dad tried to help by talking to me and comforting me, he got me to journal my thoughts and encouraged me to immediately right any intrusive thoughts down and immediately rip them up...once ripped up they no longer had any power and I didn't have to grab hold of the thought and slide into despair etc....it really helped...my mam was useless...I was just told to snap out of it (I was told that by her only a month ago when I couldn't stop crying or get out of bed) These depressions happened a few times in my teens and the worst existential depression happened this time two years ago as I said after a bad period of infection. Then lexapro arrived for me and I thought I was finally free of the pain. That's not right actually...I was very aware that pain is part of life and that I would have more pain and sadness but the lexapro made me feel I could cope and come out of whatever is to come....right now I don't have that at all....the complete opposite Oh god I'm sorry for such a big ramble there. I'm worn out. I had a huge fight with mam yesterday. I live in Ireland and we had a general election yesterday. My mam was up at 6am till 9am up and downstairs into my room to see if I was ready to go vote before work (this is part of her anxiety...having to have constant attention and company for everything whereas I need a lot of alone time. Over the last few months she's opened my bedroom door so often the latch is broken. I eventually went and voted with her. I said goodbye outside the polling station and went to walk to the bus stop but she followed me....I ended up shouting at her that I needed space, that I was struggling to breathe and survive right now and I had to pretend to be ok for work... she got smart slagged me off so it got worse ..I have done nothing but put energy into helping you lately and not only am I left with nothing for myself you don't even have the decency to help yourself when I find you a therapist you can afford! I shouted "you broke my ***** door and you need to see a ****** therapist!" Like a mad woman in the street! I felt awful in work then day.....I acted normal but all that acting causes so much tension in me physicaly and mentally. I arrived home and we have both stayed in our rooms without any comunication. I feel bad about it but I have no energy for her or her issues anymore. I don't even have energy to speak words right now! I'm off work till Tuesday now....staying in pj's with books and telly for at least 2 of the days to try and recover now...lol Thanks for listening and understanding Krissy xx
  6. Hi Krissy, Thanks so much for your messages, it's great to hear zoloft has worked so well for you. I'm really hoping I'm just a late starter and zoloft is going to kick in any day now. But it's just so hard to see the light with everything else being a mess. I would love to have a few wks off to at least to work out whats the side effects and whats stress...it's a big jumble right now. I woke early this morning and read some of clare weekes book, meditated for 10mins, stretched, had breakfast and felt quite good but by the time I left the house I was back to being tense and anxious. The morning was quiet so I got by but the afternoon was busy...I feel like I've ran a marathon or was doing hard labour all day....anxiety is so exhausting! Lol I found my mother a therapist who is willing to see her at a reduced price. I went for a walk with her this evening after a really stressful day of trying to be a normal human being lol....I told her about the therapist and she got angry and said she wont be going, she feels well on lexapro (two wks on 5mg) and she doesn't need to speak to anyone now she's fine! I told her that when the gp tries to get her off the meds or they stop working she will be left with all the same problems and that she needed to take this opportunity to get the work in and learn coping skills...she was adamant she won't be going. I'm really upset...all my energy has gone into her the last month and now when she could make a difference in both of our lives by dealing with her she won't even try. I'm going from angry to sad to anxious and the way back round constantly. Crying my eyes out on my bed feeling exhausted and dreading work tomorrow. It's 2 years today that I originally started lexapro....I remember the feeling of joy and contentment I felt within the first few wks ..I had never felt like that...maybe when I was a child but I cant really remember ever feeling so "ok".....i felt I could handle things whether good or bad, my health problems, emotions, money, family etc everything was doable and if not it was not the end of the world. I just wish I could get back to that small bit of contentment again. I'm taking a xanax and locking my door to the world for a while ( and by that I mean my mother lol) XxX
  7. Hi Deb Thanks so much for your support, I think I'm only absorbing everything now and how much the situation with my mam and family problems have had on me getting better. I went for my massage Monday and slept really well that night... I saw my GP yesterday and she agreed to wait until I see thr psychiatrist next month to change anything, she gave me more xanax and propanol for work and I'll check in with her in two wks time. I also got a precription for my pill. I'm going to continue to take it for the next 3 months without a break to try and avoid too many hormonal issues while I'm trying to get the meds right. I'm back at work tomorrow and Friday and a bit apprehensive as even with the propanol and xanax I'm really anxious and tense at work....i deal with the public and I'm finding it hard to keep up the energy of pretending to be ok.....but it has to be done I suppose!...I'm going to spend the rest of today baking and napping and being very lazy that's about all I can manage lol
  8. Hi Jerseybreeze Sorry to hear you're feeling so unwell. I'm week 5 this week on 150mg of Zoloft and still having a lot of trouble (I have an update in the Zoloft thread if you want to have a read) Have you been given anything to help with side effects like xanax or valium from your doctor?? Did you start on 75mg or start on a lower dose and work up? It might be an option to lower to 50mg and take some xanax for the few weeks and see if that helps at all.
  9. Hi Deb, Nice to hear from you. I don't think I'm strong atm just pretty desperate to be honest. After the awful experience on Prozac I just can't bear the thoughts of coming off this and starting something else, I don't think I'll survive. The last 6 months have been awful but since Christmas stress and family and money problems have gone through the roof, all while trying to slowly find a dose of zoloft that works for me. My mother who I live with is 65 years old and has always had mental issues but never acknowledged them. We were away together sorting in mid january, she has a small property in Spain and we had to go and sort a lot of issues to get it rented out. Anyway it was so stressful, me with my issues and her with hers. I had got to the 6wks on 100mg while I was there and decided I would go ahead with the next increase to 150mg. I didn't notice much difference that week or the 2nd week. My mother ended up having a huge panic attack and basically from what I can see a breakdown on the plane, we were taken to the hospital by ambulance from the plane, spent 9 hours in emergency getting tests and she was discharged with a diagnosis of anxiety disorder and told to see her GP. So i have spent the last two weeks talking to her about what is happening to her and trying to reassure her and she agreed to let me speak to our GP and she would be willing to try a low dose of lexapro as it originally worked so well for me. She is on that two weeks, is at home in bed and has said she has been anxious all her life but distracted herself and when my dad died when I was a teenager she became depressed but didn't deal with it, things over the last few years like her redundancy have stressed her out etc, she's doing a lot better now with lexapro. But I'm exhausted, my brother lives in the UK and kept contradicting me on the phone when I said the doctors diagnosed anxiety he said it could be a pyshical problem (my mam kept saying she was having a heart attack) I had to keep fighting with him to listen to me that I know what I saw and what I'm seeing and hearing that i have this issue myself etc but he was very rude and not supportive. Also last week I ran out of my contraceptive pill (which keeps my hormones and periods regular) I got a period and had huge pms and anxiety with that. So I'm thinking with the increased stress, my mothers issues, my hormonal issues and all the other adrenaline fueled crap going on I haven't been in a great place! Lol I have my Psych appointment at the end of March and I'm worried if I stop zoloft now or reduce I wont know what's me and what's meds etc and that maybe it will work at wk 6 or 8 or that at wk 8 when I see him he could add something. I just don't know....i'm in limbo. If i could just take xanax and propanol and stay in bed for another month I might be a bit more confident in what to do but I just can't right now. I have propanol for work days (I only work 3 days a week) I can't take anymore time off work either. Sorry rambling now! I'm seeing my GP tomorrow for checkup etc so I'll see what she thinks of the plan. I am going for a massage this evening after work and I will be off Tuesday and Wednesday so hopefully I can calm down a bit then! Marie
  10. I would definitely give it a bit longer thab 10 days and get xanax if you can. I'm not much help tho as I'm exactly the same as you at the min...started in November...increasing since then, light relief for a bried period at 100mg and now on 150mg 4 wks and no improvement...feeling worse really. But ive come this far so I'm giving it another 4 wks at this dose before deciding it's not for me.
  11. Hi Kimber, Only seeing your reply now. I asked my GP to add buspar , at first she was all for it but then checked online and said she wouldn't as it can cause serotonin syndrome! I told her that all the meds could do that but that it wasn't that common but she still said no :-( I have had a really bad few months personally, anxiety is high and also increased zoloft 4 wks ago to 150mg in wk 3-4 the side effects really kicked in and I'm feeling very low and hopeless. I finally see a psychiatrist next month after waiting over a year. The day I see him I will be 8 wks on 150mg of zoloft. Hoping I will feel good by then, but if not that he will either be able to say this isn't going to work or maybe add buspar or something in for me. I hope!
  12. So nearly 2 months since I updated. I spent 6 wks on 100mg....using xanax and propanol most of that time. Was very tired over Christmas break. Then in January had a lot if stress and family problms. I felt overwhelmed and so anxious.....again not knowing what was my natural anxiety or side effects. Anyway after 6 wks and all this stress I increased to 150mg...on that 4 wks today. For the first 2 wks I didn't notice much. 3rd wk huge anxiety and feeling down. Work social anxiety very bad...tenstion and pain in neck and shoulders and jaw from trying to be normal in work...I'm taking propanol on work days 80mg but not helping. I'm very tired and sleepy. Has anyone else had the experience of side effects kicking in at wk 3-4 of an dose increase?? I will finally see a psychiatrist next month after waiting over a year. The day I see him I will be 8 wks on 150mg of zoloft. Hoping I will feel good by then, but if not that he will either be able to say this isn't going to work or mayve add something in. I asked my gp tp add buspar but she said no it was dangerous and can cause serotonin syndrome...even tho I told her I had read lots of good reviews from people. Anyway thats it so far....struggling with my normal high general and social anxiety....not depressed but becoming a bit hopless which is usually the beginning of a period of depression for me. Looking for anyone who has had success with zoloft over a slower period of time maybe to give me hope it will work. Lexapro worked quickly for me, prozac nearly killed me, zoloft just leaves me in limbo and a bit uncertain to be honest....is there light at the end of this tunnel. :-(
  13. Hi John I live in Ireland, I am on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist for the last year. Our health system is atrocious here. I pay 60euro to see our GP, 60 euro to see a psychologist. I was prescribed lexapro by my GP a few years ago for a depression I could not get myself out of. It helped a lot but eventually pooped out, since then I have been slowly trying new meds with my GP who spoke to the local mental health team over the phone re seeing me but they told her I would be another 6months on the list before they could see me and told her to try me on zoloft. This is the only choice of care or treatment I can recieve here. Any info or personal experiences of Buspar still appreciated thanks
  14. Hi, I'm on zoloft 8 wks now with a number of dose increases in that time. I'm still waiting for startup side effects to go and the good bits to kick in. My mood is slightly better at times and anxiety a bit milder but not a huge noticeable difference yet. I'm seeing my GP next wk and may increase to 150mg, I know this means more wks of start up side effects and not looking forward to it. I will have xanax and beta blockers to help with the short term side effects if I do increase tho. I've read a bit about buspar for anxiety over the longer term but can't find much on the forums about it, if it is a good med for GAD and SAD and OCD, and whether or not people can take it combined with ssri treatment. Any experiences or advice? Thanks
  15. Hi, sorry you had a rude reply to your post. I would assume that this is exactly where you should post if this issue is effecting you mentally and emotionally as it seems to be! Not much advice to give either, I recently went through something simular and I did the angry/emotional texts, I couldn't stop myslf no matter how awful I felt after when I got a negative reply or no reply at all. All I can tell you is that time has helped, speaking to my therapist, using cbt and mindfulness techniques to take my mind out of the negativity and impulse to contact him. It doesn't always work, I still miss him and want to pick up the phone but distractions and taking about it can help. So talking, positive distractions, oh and writing down in a journal what I want to say to him instead of actually saying it! Lol. Hope some of that is helpful.
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