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Everything posted by ejc

  1. I’m having a hell of a time with my profession and my mental health. Anyone else out there going through the same? If so, what are your challenges and how is mental health affecting your work or the other way around? Any suggestions of coping on the daily? I’m spiraling downward and need advice.
  2. I had 2 miscarriages In 4 months, I had D&C surgery 4 days ago because my body won’t let go. my partner drinks a lot and won’t admit he has a problem, worse now with miscarriage #2. I go back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks of medical leave. I hate my job. I hate representing clients with criminal charges. It’s a lot of pressure, 300 cases all me, working 60-70 hours a week. Can’t catch up or even make a dent. As soon as I come back from court a new wave of cases followed by a second wave of existing cases. I’m coming back even more depressed. My depression came back after 3.5 years. I dread work tomorrow, I’m still suffering the physical and emotional aftermath of losing this pregnancy. I really hate what I do but it pays the bills. Fudge. I’m spiraling .
  3. low quality women's clothing at high quality prices.
  4. hmm i don't have much to add ther than I thin you're right, maybe you are trying to trigger some feeling in your period of numbness and so you think of the absurd . I think if he worse during the height of anxiety. i feel the same way about the souls mate thing. I too feel like I've missed it all and there's no worse feeling than loneliness in my opinion. everything you wanted that you see is just a reminder of what u don't have. though I wonder if there's a self esteem issue mixed in your feelings? I know it was certainly for me and that doesn't help when you have depression and anxiety to boot.
  5. when you describe ripping your skin off the first thing that comes to my mind is 'dissatisfaction with life'. ive had anxiety spells where I wish I could rip my skin off too.. like a stretching a balloon, that anxiety or intensity that u get when u fear it popping.. is that what it feels like? .. I guess the question is .. what do u feel before and after u imagine that? are you experiencing other things besides insomnia? I know that's a big sign of depression. I used to watch this academic lecture by Robert Sapolsky a neuroendocronologist from Stanford about depression and in it he talks about how depression just destroys your sleep architecture. it's a good video to watch. he talks about it at 10:10 i recommend it. i didn't have numbness so much as I just couldn't sleep so I watched science documentaries .. neutral, boring but slightly entertaining, wouldn't contribute to anxiety or depression. since it's more about learning. maybe your thoughts veer that way bc your brain wants to evoke some feeling in another part of your brain?
  6. I don't know why I think of farming , or vineyard working (don't wash barrels that's a grueling job), sea urchin diving.. that stuff ca be a self employment job in Northern California.
  7. @Weesue I know totally. some folks are just so passionate and sensitive. sometimes I think that people that are truly spiritual or religious should be the most open minded people bc of what their respective bible teaches. but it seems like people use it to justify their actions and some of those actions are not so nice. or they use it to say they're right and we are wrong. so, how do you engage the Joel Osteens of the world? is it Joel? that tv evangelist guy? he kinda creeps me out.
  8. Hi Jalen, I don't think you dissapoint your parents. I have seen parents of children that are adults, where these adults fall into drugs or commit serious crime and their parents still love them. I say that bc as I hear, the bond and love that a parent has to their kid is unbreakable, of course you won't see that as a child. I'm sure they want the best for you and don't want them to repeat some of the mistakes they did when they were your age. As far as your sister, well you know sibblings. We all have them. I always thought my sisters were horrible and they thought I was horrible.. that was during our teenage years. that's pretty normal, we're all adapting and changing and having sibblings just adds to the mix. I actually get along with my sisters now that I'm 34 (they are 30 and 39) than when we were young. So, I think that is what may be happening with your sister right now. I can also tell you that as adults we have chosen to change the nature of our relationship, we are a lot closer now. so, you have to take it into context of how old you are and what you and her are going through in your own lives. Grades.. You know, try your best. sometimes its just that the topic is boring. the grades you get in school are somewhat a factor of how well you will do later in terms of college, graduate school, etc. But one thing that i have learned is that your motivation and commitment will truly determine how far you will go. I'm not sure how old you are but if youre anywhere near college i can tell you , that is where you will find your true passion, just gravitate to what you like, whatever that is. because you CAN make a career out of it or do something related. don't ever do something that someone tells you is good for you bc if you're not naturally interested in it, it wont turn out well. hating yourself .. its hard. i know. you look at yourself and you wish oh god why, why me? what the F? what's going on? it's never ending.. and you take all the negative or all the negative you can think of and you pile it on. it's self blame, you already blame yourself for a couple of things, right? why not more? I I think that what is going on here is that you care too much, you want to please people, maybe because it's a way to deflect your own insecurity? or the feeling that you're not good enough? I suggest to work on yourself and what makes you feel good, it sounds selfish but it really isn't. we live in a society where lookng out for yourself is frowned upon. It is ok, to take care of yourself first . because how can you take care of someone else if you dont take care of yourself beforehand? you should try your best to concentrate on your inner self. you'd be surprised how things can turn around when you put value in you and you say and believe that you ARE awesome. it's like turning on the light in a pitch black room. the lights are on and you can see everything and navigate better. it takes a long time to learn to love yourself. I'm 34 and ive lived with low self esteem and insecurity, i have always put others first to my detriment and theyre off doing better things.... not until now did i realize, hey what about me? i feel like i missed my life. don't be me.
  9. I do something similar when i drive in some open road like the 5 in CA I just wonder where people are going . i feel like I'm 23 inside bc back then I had ambition and life was ahead of me.. but I see my face at 34 and think I let it all slip bc of wrong choices with men :/ so when u noticed this thread on your bday I bet u thought of what u were doing that day lol
  10. Just reflecting on my life. When I stare at the mirror and see the signs of aging and my inside doesn't match my outside...how do i cope. when i stare and that stranger stares back.. how do i find who i used to be? i think about this several times a day every day for the past 4 months. ever since i took wellbutrin i feel like it aged me. i had to stop.
  11. Hi brit, I hope you are doing better after you posted this. I wonder if getting off the medication fluctuated your emotions. I am glad that you are back on them and hope they can provide some relief and balance. I think you should hang on to the one thing that makes you feel better and that is exercise. I do the same, well, I take walks, it's the only thing I look forward to as opposed to staying in bed and staring at the ceiling thinking about loneliness and feeling anxious. The feeling of doom seems like anxiety. I get that in the morning, I wake up and I have this crazy fear of dying as if I'm about to face true death right then and there. is that what you are feeling? I'm sorry that you are going through this. I think depression is one of the worse conditions to experience. and keeping it in can make it worse I'm glad you are posting. i know the support is only online but it helps with time. i used to dread when people told me give it time bc it didn't address the daily ordeals of depression and anxiety but i think that is why the forums and blogging here are good because they give you something to preoccupy and at the same time if you do this every day youre getting the feelings out instead of bottling them in. so keep posting, even if people might now respond sometimes they read but it doesn't mean they dont care or dont empathize they might just not have the words.
  12. You have gone through a lot. I guess my question is, if depression did not have you in its grips then what are you passionate about? Because that's what you should pursue. I went to law school bc I thought it was going to be good income wise and didn't care much for it. now almost a decade later I realized i made a big mistake and wasted my time getting a degree that is useless... I'm 34.. if I could advise my 23 year old self I'd tell her, go with what you are naturally passionate about because guess what, you will excel in what you actually like doing. even if it's not a career itself you can find a job that encompasses what you like. What is it about college that you don't like? is it the subject? the method? the reading? Are you talking to a counselor? That will always be a great help if you can get it. I wonder if your school provides such services. depression is a black hole. it can keep you from sleeping, eating, caring, and it also makes you negative. its awful. sometimes you have to teach yourself things you could do with ease like take showers, eat, brush your teeth, wash your clothes, even sit up in bed. you could get into a catatonic state, which happened to me... I had to take baby steps. break everything down into smaller tasks that could be completed. it takes days, weeks, months, but little by little it get less worse. i suspect that so long as school remains a present situation the anxiety and depression will remain as strong as ever. which is why i think counseling and having an objective person provide you with insight can help. maybe there is a solution but you can't see it bc depression wont let u.
  13. sometimes depression can be situational, triggered by something that happens in your life, it can be anything. I wonder if it's the transition from being a kid to becoming an adult? I'm not postive. i sympathize with you. I am like that about my 20s, I'm 34. just reflecting and feeling nostalgic. it does give me feelings of despair and anxiety. is that how u feel? talking to a counselor night help. have u ever looked into that? it's helped me.
  14. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a national organization but they have local chapters and have a locator on their website. Some chapters are great about posting their groups online others don't and you have to call. their services are free.
  15. ejc


    p.s. i said that they cant fire you. that is not correct, IF you provide a doctor's note and THEN they fire you then you could sue them for discrimination. one of your arguments would be the timing, that it happened after your gave them confirmation of a medical condition... an attorney has more to work with in protecting your applicable rights. and im really sorry but if it has been 13 years and she decided that and you have kids... i think she may be set on her decision. i think you should talk to a professional counselor. i just think you need to protect yourself bc it's going to get tough soon. oh and the reason i say don't communicate with your wife about your emotional situation is because she can claim you are mentally unstable and can't handle the kids... you have to think in a paranoid fashion and be 2 steps ahead of people. sadly, people see weakness and they pounce, i've gone through it in my own way and i always hated that i didn't have anyone to give me pearls of wisdom, i would have fared better if that was the case.
  16. ejc


    your boss can't fire you or tell you to leave because of your medical condition. i suggest you get a note from your doctor if you need to take time off or have your schedule flexed. once they get that doctor's note they can't fire or retaliate bc of your condition. so take care of that ASAP. protect yourself, protect your rights bc people will turn against you, at the end your boss is your boss not your friend and they will not risk their job to save yours. that doctor's note is key. even if you are doing better.. get the doctor's note. you have to think ahead legally. what if you lose your job? and there's no proof of income? then if you get divorced your wife may use that against you if she seeks full physical and legal custody. it's just stuff like that.. you need to talk to an attorney too. some attorney's offer free consultations others charge but it's worth getting advice so you don't get surprised down the line. all of this sounds cynical and selifsh but i've seen it time and time again ( i worked at a bankruptcy office for 7 years and believe me bankruptcy and divorce sometimes walked in hand-in-hand). don't tell your spouse about what you are going through emotionally and if things start to get weird, document everything. communicate by email. lastly and this i've heard people tell me... oh me and my spouse came to an agreement about child support etc, etc. even though the Court Order says something different and now my spouse is going back on her/his word.. well sorry to tell you, you could have agreed to the moon but it's the court order that controls. get it in writing, get it approved. divorce is always a point for contention and a lot of he said she said that if you dont have evidence the judge wont consider it. its why i stress communications by email... if she speaks with you over the phone you can follow up with an email.. per our discussion today im confirming that blah blah blah. .. im rambling but i see setups.
  17. Hi Depratient I want to say that i have read a similar story and that person thought it was the side effects of the medication. have you checked out the Wellbutrin section? I was on 100MG Wellbutrin but that messed up my skin, i aged so quickly.
  18. Somewhere deep inside is you and the small fire that burns. I know why you say you want to fight it on your own, it's because you want to and I think it's because you can even subconsciously. Depression is a disease to me, it has the power to change your neurology, it can **** synapses. It's that pervasive and you know it just bleeds everwhere in your body and mind. You don't have to go to the hospital if you don't want to but I think that you need to talk to someone who is objective and professional in the sense that they have studied the mind. Sometimes a stranger, or a neutral objective person can see things that you say or how you say them or your observe your expression and see things that you dont even know youre doing which reveal a lot of what you're going through. I think that getting that feedback from such a person can help you analyze yourself and learn how to get better. It is a lot of hard and slow work.. but i believe you can do it because you've said you want to fight on your own. I am glad that you are posting here, in all my 3 rounds of depression I reached out to people here and just posting my crap and not keeping it inside made me feel a ittle better. it will take a long time to get better but i believe you can. look at what youve done so far, you've found this place, you've registered, you've reached out for help to people that have gone though similar things you are going through.. you want help and it's ok to ask for help, we are not islands. i think it takes more courage to ask for help in time of need then being proud or just not wanting to ask for help. Keep posting and if you want to.. blog. I recommend it. you may not get feedback but it's really for you. to type of out what you are feeling. i've learned a lot about myself blogging i'm forced to confront myself when i type because of what i blog about and i can tell you that when i type things out and post i let them go o rput them in the back burner instead of obsess over what i'm going through bc im keeping it inside.
  19. Corbin, are you willing to talk for a little bit? you never know, we may provide you some insight.. we are all here because we all are going through similar things that we can only understand. can you give us a chance? Even for a little bit?
  20. ejc

    The B*tch is back!

    Well, I have not posted in a long time. Not because I'm better but because I've been overworked ... at work. The pros and cons pros: i think for work therefore i dont think about myself and my loneliness and sadness; i get home tired and i have slept in good 4-6 hour blocks; i've learned a lot about handling things and learned that i'm only human and i need to have some sense of humility bc I dont know everything. cons: i haven't had a lot of time to work on myself emotionally; bc i meet a lot of people through work it is only solidified that I am alone, im 34, and that it is increasingly difficult to even find friends, much less friend who get me. Things have 'normalized' at work. My co-worker is back from a 2-month leave and I can have a sense of normalcy. But, I fear having more time bc now the maladaptive thoughts are back and the sleepless nights are back. I have woken up anxious like I used to every day this week. 45 minutes of leg shaking, waking up at 5:00 to 5:40 and going to sleep literally 20 minutes before I have to wake up for work. My bad dreams have also started. they're so odd, the first one was about the girl who had my job before me (she is in her 20s) announcing she was pregnant and me feeling crappy (i have no kids, not dating), my ex moving out of his apartment and moving in with his friend's wife (friend passed in January and he left me for her). i drove by his neighborhood for a work meeting today and my stomach turned to knots when i drove down the street that took me to his apartment. i almost bailed on the work meeting. it's all coming back. i feel like anxiety and loneliness let me out of my cage and now that i suddenly have time back on my hands they've put the steel collar around my neck and forced me back in. I'm bracing myself. The quote below reads: The only good thing I have is that I am starting to get used to suffering ~Frida Kahlo.
  21. the millennial generation? ... with so much information they just accept it as true.. it's why some people take The Onion. seriously. access to information is so readily available that they don't feel the need to go beyond "Google search" but I think we've all become that.. except maybe the generation that still had to look up things manually prior to the Internet.. so I'd guess that would be 30 (1986) and older.. that's my sisters age , and I know we both had to look up stuff with the index card system at the library. (I'm 34)..sso older generation I've seen some people get lazy and ignorant lol the other half is nothing but skeptical. I don't know, ramblings this is just my observation on being on Instagram and Facebook and stil going and buying printed books at the 1 locally owned bookstore that is left. college is the only saving grace I take it.
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