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Everything posted by GSpolar

  1. Rip cages to free and revolving doors (Its not) that I don’t want more I always thought that My book would not be this long To complete these songs Am I lucky that The spinning lead somehow bends Me and saddened friends Fu.ck, fu.ck resumes D*d, so proud of my medals (his) Ambitions settle Fu.ck, fu.ck bodies Beautiful in spirit, us Eyes, so drown of trust Fu.ck fu.ck Tourette's We fight 10 polar brain waves Good bye kiss, still wet Breathing, Victory Just breathe today flickering friend Never, ever end. Never, ever end Dear Friend, We bathe in endorphins and unashamed tears to find each other once again.
  2. samadhiSheol At your lowest Your eyes go black Your pen grows silent Trains rock these tracks Every low I’ve felt Every bottom I’ve hit Wished to shed this body Wished my head would split We crawl on the ground We’re charred like toast At your lowest brother Thats when I keep you the most So while your train Hurls off the track I pray all night That you’ll be back Because you’re a keeper Its written all over you
  3. Wrenn, I once wrote down "I am stuck with ... for the rest of my life", listing many draining social 'obligations', some of which I cared about, but hurt me badly too. One by one I started walking away. Listen to your body ... You're a diabetic, and when you visit your Mom and Dad, they take away your insulin and feed you candy ..... then admonish you for still being a diabetic! They could use a nice long fast from their daughter to cure themselves .... not because you don't care about them, because you do.
  4. "I know who is there inside of you, she's wonderful, she's the one I chose" Its her BODY, not her character. Believe in the real her within, believe in her character, help her find ways to free her from within her imprisoning body, ask her to brainstorm 20 things that have made her feel free and alive even if only for a moment, go exercise with her everyday, quit sugary and junk foods with her, 'unpressure' her, find out EXACTLY how she likes to be hugged and do it.
  5. "Mom, I just wanted to tell you I love you. Come home whenever you're ready" "Dad, this is Eren ... you will always be My Dad" Eren, I'm so sorry. Sometimes brief voicemail messages, just said warmly and calmly, to loved ones are the ones they replay 100 times, and remember why. You stuck up for your Mom, just like you would have bravely stuck up for your sisters, or bravely stuck up for your Dad, and someday he will be weak and call on you to be strong. You did GREAT, young man.
  6. And Jalen gives light And rights dark wrongs And Jalen gives life When singing these songs The dark was in, and now its out For brother Jalen, I punch and shout!
  7. This may sound strange, but carving life out of a block of darkness from within, keeps me going. And helping others carve when I can. Who said I have even begun to live yet? And meeting honest people like Lsmurf, Carter, Epictetus, Mulberry, many more. Honesty is such a deep contrast.
  8. So a film of me countless nights at 2am would be me at 110 decibels screaming "TTTTHHHIIISSSSS BUULLLLSSHIIITTTT HHHUUURRRTSSS, this ***&$)#$%&)$*& NIGHT WILL NEVER END!!!!! GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID UNPREDICTABLE BODY!!!! AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!" and doing my best Tourette's Guy impersonation until my lungs are good and exercised and I feel alive again for being so honest and raw. Then I can sometimes have a good laugh at my expense and laughing is halfway to cured. Nope, still no sleep :) I TRIED to sound so in control and healthy for years, when I halfway told my story, but not really, to friends. This lying, even though I thought I was protecting people, was making me sick(er). So instead of sorta halfway holding back, I just yell and be myself and tell people exactly what I think and what I'm going through, I call a friend and say "I keep thinking all night that I don't want to live, I just wanted to hear your voice" honestly at 2am, all those forbidden thoughts and words, and next thing you know the raw honesty is making me healthy. And between DF and whomever is my company, some have turned away but surprisingly many have loved me closer. But never did I get those breakthroughs with people until I got like over-the-top honest with them. So I challenge you to use rawest, loudest, deepest truth words and reach out and scream and cry and write your story here at 2am. Because I enjoy hearing from you too :)
  9. GSpolar

    Beating slow

    Sung tonight for a wonderful person As I one by one shoot rotten apples We all show lo*e different ways The beatings hurt, but not compared to the eyes right before
  10. Anyone else dread the holidays and want it to be over? yes yes yes! ((((imtrying))))
  11. ((((SurrealLife)))) Its hard not to think of ourselves as walking wounds, and wow you have really endured wounds. But your children, new people you meet, don't see you that way. You are a new and interesting and likable :) Soooo, my childlike Christmas wish for you is that you can walk out of the house feeling new.
  12. They say that having nothing to prove is a sign of emotional health. They are lying. Read autobiographies of any 5 people you respect. All 5, ALL 5, had something, many things, to prove. We’re taught to ignore that deep hurt from a long time ago. But it is your greatest fuel. Its right there waiting for you. And you’ll keep that hurt like a treasure, not telling anyone, writing down with your own hand (not digitally and cheap on some f* **ing deletable screen), tattooing it inside your shoulder where no one will see. Every person you respect has it. And they all tell others ‘I’ve got nothing to prove’ because people with an extra gear greatly frustrate happy couch potatoes. You are not happy on the couch, because you know you were made to be more. Now look at your tattoo and breathe very deeply 10 times, turn off the screen in front of you, look yourself in the eye in the mirror and remember what long ago you knew that you were made to be: An Accomplisher, an Unafraid Champ. So stop shaking your head … Yes, you know already!
  13. No mystery here Confinement kills, though freedom … Which will you provide? Machiavelli Wasn’t Machiavellian Stigma? Haha!! Spin!!! They call you cartoon They keep quiet while you run ;) Such wordy silence! Oh my D.F. friends Glitchy Scorched Insomniacs Authentic Vibe Shakes Thank you each true friend For your writing, your collapse Your 3am hurt Seeing means nothing Your normal, dangerous life Surreal and safe Can I dance loudly? Paint dark eyes and love you I first run away Catharsis is now Don’t know if i run to live Or just to throw up.
  14. Hey Uncle Polar, what is a heart attack? Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant sitting on your chest. Call for help. What is a hernia? Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant kicking you in the groin, night and day, for 3 months straight. What is paranoia? Dunno, but I hear it feels like an elephant laughing into your ear about your inadequacies, totally ignoring your talents that everyone but you can see. He was actually snickering at you about how funny you looked taking oversized elephant kicks to the groin, but you take it much more personally. On a deeper level, there never was, in fact an elephant. People dream them up to sink the ships in their life, all to prevent the 1 in 5000 chance that the ships would have sunk themselves, same odds as having your groin removed preemptively will save you from testicular cancer someday. I’ll take my chances. What is schizophrenia? Dunno, but I hear it is like one elephant whispering bad advice in one ear, and another elephant blasting an amplified trunkful of equally lousy advice into the other ear, when the whole time your subconscious mind knew exactly what to do, had you zipped your pie-hole until your naturally brilliant thoughts were clear, achievable by taking a long walk while breathing deep, natural air. Oh wait, I’ve just described meddling relatives. Recommended solution is earplugs over Christmas holidays, long walks, and not giving a sh**t what anybody thinks. What is depression like? Well I know that one kid …… Well aren’t ‘cha gonna say something? No, that’s what depression is like. Its nothing, forever, now sit here chained to a pile of sinking nothing for what seems like 6 months per night. I really fear it, kid. Friends and freedom and exercise. They are always there … in more colorful forms, on inconvenient terms, you take on their pain and wear it on your chest, more than you expect, but why ruin the moments of really feeling alive with expectations? … be yourself and guard them and love them. What is love like? The most complex ailment that every one must learn the hard way. You will find no other terminal disease other than this one that pleases no one, destroys every one, yet everyone wants, even after being through it. I’m just as dumb as anybody … Oh yes, it was like an elephant sticking one foot on my groin and another crushing my lungs for leverage, only to rip my heart out through my chest. Mission accomplished. Yeah I see that hole in your chest, but why then do you have a heartbeat? New pain makes water and music taste better ... I don't understand what you mean Uncle ... You will. Here kiddo, I brought a 1 minute video summarizing love:
  15. What if I am real? I happen to know so …. yep You’ll have no idea How iron cooks slowly Sundial and earth slowly Protective shields 10,000 miles I’ll protect your skies, detached Look away .…. No closer
  16. Hmmmm...... This dilemma. Are friends that we meet first by sight "real"? And those we meet here by heart and not sight, people who just say what's really on their mind and don't care what anyone thinks... Someday, I hope all the people I meet in person, hampered by our skin color and shape, become honest like those i meet here, it usually takes 10 years to develop a friendship like those.... 10 year friends who are kinda available to talk to all the time here, even when I can't sleep at 3am :) So just tell your story a few sentences at a time, and friends will gather like fish, that's how it seems to go. Welcome Adriftina, glad you are here!
  17. Welcome Alex! Tell more of your story, a little bit at a time. Its restores some faith in humanity to vent to people whom you don't have to pay to care :)
  18. Insomnia ....... the great amplifier (of problems, not much on the good side to speak of) Perhaps the most credentialed sleep disorder physician I have ever met, after a thorough battery of tests, prescribed to me 10 doses of 'so what' per day. Ordered me to shrug off much more of the not-so-important. I pass this on to Carter, a good guy to the core, shrug off a few things today, including how many hours of sleep you got, 'so what' if you're not sleepy tonight, and perhaps that will lead to better sleep!!
  19. Dory, Don't ask her how her day was, just say "I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, I value you deeply even in complete silence. So spill your pain to me and I'll cry and yell with you .... or say nothing and we'll enjoy the silence, your friend is always here ... I know who you are in there, beneath the clouds that you didn't choose, you are somebody wonderful" She is not replying to you because she wants to protect you from her, that's how it feels.
  20. You DO help alot of people, dammit!!! And nothing erases that, not this binge, nothing. S4L, you're a f ' king hammer when you're able. You're a top lane rope, high flying tag team champion for the good guys. Its in your core brother, everybody sees that. Now, Im an a s s for thinking I've got easy solutions, but s ** t here's my intervention: I think alcohol is nothing but a raise in blood pressure and a little adrenaline, and then it steals everything in return. So gather those bull sh tt bottles in front of you, put them in a backpack, run them to a dumpster about half a mile away, and sprint home, take a shower, and see if you don't get your blood pressure and adrenaline into gear. Pullups and pushups until you puke make a outstanding girlfriend after running, BTW. To win, after a relationship implodes, is just to survive. Yeah, when you appear to be knocked the f k out, that's when I know the real you is about to show up with some fury. Yeah, S4L kicks out before the count of 3 and gets back in the fight ........... THAT'S WHAT HE DOES, BOOM!
  21. Becca, I don't know that medication, but I do know this: 1. Way to go on cutting alcohol way down!!!! Alcohol just pretty much steals your potential good mood for the next 2 days, compresses it into 1 halfway decent hour or two of buzz, then robs you for the next couple of days....lousy tradeoff. 2. Yes, taking a couple of days off of prescribed antidepressants can easily throw anybody off for a week 3. Appreciate that husband of yours often, sounds like a good guy.
  22. I feel your rate of … metamorphosis, scorching feedback loops, dizzy Oh how we dance, move Bodiless silhouettes ache … Willows watch us sway. Kindness falls. I’m so dumb. I still want to believe her. Her nonsense. Mine … Same. The words she cuts out, Poems burned that don’t rhyme, Baaaaahaaaaa! Records spun backwards. Seize the fire stick? Napalm 10 new songs, POOF! GONE! I’m scared too … So scared. Someday, your needle Will wear out my music (Yeah!) 10,000 songs from now And in your groove, I Will skip and repeat. I, I … I like you offbeat.
  23. To my veteran brothers and sisters, who woke today remembering.......... Fallen SSG ______ , Fallen PV2 _____ , Fallen Captain _____ , and others. PV2, with your mosquito wings, straight out of high school, you looked like your Mom should have signed a waiver for you to enlist you were so young. And you guarded me, at what, age 26, as though I were somebody important? And the car bomb ripped you to shreds a few hours after I sped through your gate. Yes, I saw what was left of you. No, I couldn't talk about it. Blanked it out. I’m sorry …….. It wasn’t fair …… how many of us would have been ripped to shreds if you didn’t …… I’m sorry And to friends, too many to name, who awoke with feet or thorns in their face this morning, having never really slept, wishing they could feel the thorns or the foot or anything else ….. Not a one chose a war, but all chose to sign a blank check of their 20’s. Chose to protect, because it was always in our nature, still is.
  24. You’ve outsourced this agony to me, now let me tell it for you. You smell of flash-incinerating honeysuckle today that was the dull campfire version of you yesterday….again tomorrow…..and you think you disappoint me. You don’t. As ash rains down on me in the morning orange, you are so much like me. You are unsightly euphoric again at 40,075 kilometers of merciful separation. And a dawn that so few know as early as you and I. They put a hilarious gate on humanity and seem aghast as I heedlessly climb as if some easy aerial dance. Yeah, put a gate on humanity and charge me. I am like a kid who saved up for a week, released by Mom to purchase 1 bag of seasoned kale at the vending machine and was delivered 2 Fun Dips instead. I’ll connect yet again through black swans, which are abundant in this desert of THEIR apathy versus OUR, yes, yes, you know. And your laughter while concurrently shedding the most genuine tears day after day, while I perceive, Woman, that you are neither of these, and when you are, you are only passing through, as you swim inside the sinusoid. You are entirely free around me, and the others have left now. Breathe. Breathe. Slower.....Wonderful. Your eyes say that you are finally safe. You are. I feel a great sense of accomplishment from this. Yes, and still it is so hard to let your guard down. Me too. An entirely different person right now than around anyone else. Of want to discover diapason to cure dulled palates. To say ‘valedico’ after every single 4-minute hug, you know I do this and it baffles you, knowing you have become an entire freedom, yes as a noun, no expectations, heaviness, or baggage…today. I just don’t care about anything but today. Never do I look at the sun closely, 40,075 km is close enough, I just enjoy the splattering of color spectrums bathed upon my run soaked body from yours. Yes, run, what did you think, rum? Friend Calls ‘Help, Draven I’m Chained’ Complicated Messy Such is life Vibrations Gnawing Taste of Steel We The memorable sound of the unbreaking of a natural will, tale of 10,000 sleepless nights told fully in those restored eyes…breaking only the mis-forged…its not just a few, so many crying, every cold stone expressionless face….crying from the limbic system, the only part of our body that we cannot control, it tells the truth when we don’t want it to, frustrating the modern mind which makes a living out of desperation to deceive in order to survive, and still we cannot restrain the limbic reactions until after 1/20 of a second or so, to which my eyes see fully and say to you, “ .” (left blank intentionally) I talk to you in my unrepentant stumbling illiteracy of body truth, broken up here and there by infrequent words that come when they come and no sooner. Where are you? Well I know that with certainty. You are 40,075 km away, by circumference The only reason you can hear my voice is the greatest pains you have suffered. And the only reason I have a voice is the greatest pains I have suffered, those I will not name except to the closest of lifelong friends, and it’s still hard then. Speaking only through minor chords and deep breathing key changes that quite confuse the linear-happy masses, them much closer than 40,075, ugh. And all the while I’m exactly 40,075 km away from you, and no closer, never closer dear friend.
  25. Why am I so uplifted by someone painting a raw picture? Of broken bones and watered eyes, like a puppy in traffic thinking the spinning tires are friends waiting to happen...... I think I've reconciled it all, everything I've been through, I think I've gathered all of the pain and used it on the running track to push and push and push To leave it behind But clearly I haven't, when someone else tells a piece of my story like this And I feel a tangible internal renewal Thank you, Abandoned, whoever you are, you are really somebody to me.
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