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GSpolar

Silver Member
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About GSpolar

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    Silver Member

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    Destin, USA

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  1. Depression Haiku Thread

    Rip cages to free and revolving doors (Its not) that I don’t want more I always thought that My book would not be this long To complete these songs Am I lucky that The spinning lead somehow bends Me and saddened friends Fu.ck, fu.ck resumes D*d, so proud of my medals (his) Ambitions settle Fu.ck, fu.ck bodies Beautiful in spirit, us Eyes, so drown of trust Fu.ck fu.ck Tourette's We fight 10 polar brain waves Good bye kiss, still wet Breathing, Victory Just breathe today flickering friend Never, ever end. Never, ever end Dear Friend, We bathe in endorphins and unashamed tears to find each other once again.
  2. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    samadhiSheol At your lowest Your eyes go black Your pen grows silent Trains rock these tracks Every low I’ve felt Every bottom I’ve hit Wished to shed this body Wished my head would split We crawl on the ground We’re charred like toast At your lowest brother Thats when I keep you the most So while your train Hurls off the track I pray all night That you’ll be back Because you’re a keeper Its written all over you
  3. Recent suicide in my family

    Wrenn, I once wrote down "I am stuck with ... for the rest of my life", listing many draining social 'obligations', some of which I cared about, but hurt me badly too. One by one I started walking away. Listen to your body ... You're a diabetic, and when you visit your Mom and Dad, they take away your insulin and feed you candy ..... then admonish you for still being a diabetic! They could use a nice long fast from their daughter to cure themselves .... not because you don't care about them, because you do.
  4. "I know who is there inside of you, she's wonderful, she's the one I chose" Its her BODY, not her character. Believe in the real her within, believe in her character, help her find ways to free her from within her imprisoning body, ask her to brainstorm 20 things that have made her feel free and alive even if only for a moment, go exercise with her everyday, quit sugary and junk foods with her, 'unpressure' her, find out EXACTLY how she likes to be hugged and do it.
  5. "Mom, I just wanted to tell you I love you. Come home whenever you're ready" "Dad, this is Eren ... you will always be My Dad" Eren, I'm so sorry. Sometimes brief voicemail messages, just said warmly and calmly, to loved ones are the ones they replay 100 times, and remember why. You stuck up for your Mom, just like you would have bravely stuck up for your sisters, or bravely stuck up for your Dad, and someday he will be weak and call on you to be strong. You did GREAT, young man.
  6. Just a poem.

    And Jalen gives light And rights dark wrongs And Jalen gives life When singing these songs The dark was in, and now its out For brother Jalen, I punch and shout!
  7. What keeps you going on?

    This may sound strange, but carving life out of a block of darkness from within, keeps me going. And helping others carve when I can. Who said I have even begun to live yet? And meeting honest people like Lsmurf, Carter, Epictetus, Mulberry, many more. Honesty is such a deep contrast.
  8. What is it like to be "understood"

    So a film of me countless nights at 2am would be me at 110 decibels screaming "TTTTHHHIIISSSSS BUULLLLSSHIIITTTT HHHUUURRRTSSS, this ***&$)#$%&)$*& NIGHT WILL NEVER END!!!!! GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID UNPREDICTABLE BODY!!!! AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!" and doing my best Tourette's Guy impersonation until my lungs are good and exercised and I feel alive again for being so honest and raw. Then I can sometimes have a good laugh at my expense and laughing is halfway to cured. Nope, still no sleep :) I TRIED to sound so in control and healthy for years, when I halfway told my story, but not really, to friends. This lying, even though I thought I was protecting people, was making me sick(er). So instead of sorta halfway holding back, I just yell and be myself and tell people exactly what I think and what I'm going through, I call a friend and say "I keep thinking all night that I don't want to live, I just wanted to hear your voice" honestly at 2am, all those forbidden thoughts and words, and next thing you know the raw honesty is making me healthy. And between DF and whomever is my company, some have turned away but surprisingly many have loved me closer. But never did I get those breakthroughs with people until I got like over-the-top honest with them. So I challenge you to use rawest, loudest, deepest truth words and reach out and scream and cry and write your story here at 2am. Because I enjoy hearing from you too :)
  9. Beating slow

    Sung tonight for a wonderful person As I one by one shoot rotten apples We all show lo*e different ways The beatings hurt, but not compared to the eyes right before
  10. New and to be improved

    Anyone else dread the holidays and want it to be over? yes yes yes! ((((imtrying))))
  11. ((((SurrealLife)))) Its hard not to think of ourselves as walking wounds, and wow you have really endured wounds. But your children, new people you meet, don't see you that way. You are a new and interesting and likable :) Soooo, my childlike Christmas wish for you is that you can walk out of the house feeling new.
  12. Zero Motivation

    They say that having nothing to prove is a sign of emotional health. They are lying. Read autobiographies of any 5 people you respect. All 5, ALL 5, had something, many things, to prove. We’re taught to ignore that deep hurt from a long time ago. But it is your greatest fuel. Its right there waiting for you. And you’ll keep that hurt like a treasure, not telling anyone, writing down with your own hand (not digitally and cheap on some f* **ing deletable screen), tattooing it inside your shoulder where no one will see. Every person you respect has it. And they all tell others ‘I’ve got nothing to prove’ because people with an extra gear greatly frustrate happy couch potatoes. You are not happy on the couch, because you know you were made to be more. Now look at your tattoo and breathe very deeply 10 times, turn off the screen in front of you, look yourself in the eye in the mirror and remember what long ago you knew that you were made to be: An Accomplisher, an Unafraid Champ. So stop shaking your head … Yes, you know already!
  13. Depression Haiku Thread

    No mystery here Confinement kills, though freedom … Which will you provide? Machiavelli Wasn’t Machiavellian Stigma? Haha!! Spin!!! They call you cartoon They keep quiet while you run ;) Such wordy silence! Oh my D.F. friends Glitchy Scorched Insomniacs Authentic Vibe Shakes Thank you each true friend For your writing, your collapse Your 3am hurt Seeing means nothing Your normal, dangerous life Surreal and safe Can I dance loudly? Paint dark eyes and love you I first run away Catharsis is now Don’t know if i run to live Or just to throw up.
  14. Hey Uncle Polar, what is a heart attack? Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant sitting on your chest. Call for help. What is a hernia? Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant kicking you in the groin, night and day, for 3 months straight. What is paranoia? Dunno, but I hear it feels like an elephant laughing into your ear about your inadequacies, totally ignoring your talents that everyone but you can see. He was actually snickering at you about how funny you looked taking oversized elephant kicks to the groin, but you take it much more personally. On a deeper level, there never was, in fact an elephant. People dream them up to sink the ships in their life, all to prevent the 1 in 5000 chance that the ships would have sunk themselves, same odds as having your groin removed preemptively will save you from testicular cancer someday. I’ll take my chances. What is schizophrenia? Dunno, but I hear it is like one elephant whispering bad advice in one ear, and another elephant blasting an amplified trunkful of equally lousy advice into the other ear, when the whole time your subconscious mind knew exactly what to do, had you zipped your pie-hole until your naturally brilliant thoughts were clear, achievable by taking a long walk while breathing deep, natural air. Oh wait, I’ve just described meddling relatives. Recommended solution is earplugs over Christmas holidays, long walks, and not giving a sh**t what anybody thinks. What is depression like? Well I know that one kid …… Well aren’t ‘cha gonna say something? No, that’s what depression is like. Its nothing, forever, now sit here chained to a pile of sinking nothing for what seems like 6 months per night. I really fear it, kid. Friends and freedom and exercise. They are always there … in more colorful forms, on inconvenient terms, you take on their pain and wear it on your chest, more than you expect, but why ruin the moments of really feeling alive with expectations? … be yourself and guard them and love them. What is love like? The most complex ailment that every one must learn the hard way. You will find no other terminal disease other than this one that pleases no one, destroys every one, yet everyone wants, even after being through it. I’m just as dumb as anybody … Oh yes, it was like an elephant sticking one foot on my groin and another crushing my lungs for leverage, only to rip my heart out through my chest. Mission accomplished. Yeah I see that hole in your chest, but why then do you have a heartbeat? New pain makes water and music taste better ... I don't understand what you mean Uncle ... You will. Here kiddo, I brought a 1 minute video summarizing love:
  15. surrender to the inevitable

    Except that you're a national treasure around here, AJR.