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Everything posted by Skylark1

  1. Hoping I can get legal advice from the new school. I'm still really scared of a confrontation as I leave, though - the creepy guy is ALWAYS home. He leaves maybe 2-3 hours in the afternoon...I can try to plan around that...not sure it's always consist, though. I guess I can try to find out if he'll be home and when. Confrontations scare me in general, though, because I have PTSD and it triggers this reflexive terror of physical violence, even when I "know" that's not going to happen in the present. Especially since I'd have to have someone with a car, at the very least a cab driver, help me move my stuff out. There would be a third party present. Still...
  2. Just trying to hold on today. I've been very anxious. It might be related to blood sugar...I stayed in bed til 1:27 today! Didn't mean to...last I checked it was 8:19, then I decided to rest. I'm slightly alarmed that it felt like it was only 10-11 at the latest when I got up. Did I fall back asleep and somehow blank on it? How the hell did 5+ hours slip away from me? I wasn't even that hungry when I finally got up. Feel weird. Numb-like, but not really...hard to explain. It's awful outside today. I might not even go to Mass. Now that I don't have a car anymore, I need to walk almost everywhere in this tiny little town. It's not far, but it's cold and miserable, and the free bus system doesn't go very near the church. I'd still have to walk at least 1/2 mile in the rain...I don't know. I am still getting over an illness, but I really feel like I need Communion - was doing better with it the last 2 days. My allergies have been going crazy here, too...at least my throat is better today. Eating & drinking all kinds of things I know are bad for me. I wish I could fast-forward the next four months. Or to my death. Do I break another lease, and risk a confrontation with the creepy guy who's always home, or do I stick it out in this filthy, cold, creepy place for almost four more months? *sighs and takes another sip*
  3. Tentatively hopeful. Been suicidal repeatedly over the last few months. Had a 72 hour watch at one point. Trying to take it one step at a time. Through a new set of crises. In a strange town...could be a fresh start, but running out of money no job can't start school or get financial aid for four months live in a strange, dirty, creepy place trying to make the best of it think the landlord cheated me - after claiming (wrongly) that I was accusing him of cheating me...the emperor did protest too much, or however that saying goes, but I was too trusting to realize it until later...not sure how/if I can get out of the lease trying to make good connections while I'm new and fresh here, before I have the chance to repeat my patterns of isolating and shutting everyone out. scared/embarrassed to ask local church/agencies for help - no protocol, no idea, no clue. Scared. Trying to cooperate with God pulling me in last night, showing me the truth again - about his goodness, and myself, and the effects of the past ****ing up my relationship with him and my sense of the world. Etc. Started going to Mass again last night. That's helping. Trying. Realize evil ideas, lies spinning around in my head from others, have been poisoning me. Need to stop living according to those, and start living from the truth again, from my core self.
  4. Yeah, I'm Catholic, and have already been looking into St. Vincent de Paul and such. It's just hard to cough up the nerve to call and ask for help. Especially the level of assistance that I need. I've got to at least look up a food bank, though, and go next week - that's about when I'll have run out of food.
  5. So I was diagnosed a few months ago, and I'm trying to get away from the brink of suicide. I really need to continue counseling, but I'm trying to work that out in a new town where I just moved. I need to work on the actual traumas - or rather, on their fallout, on getting out of my head and my belief system the evil lies - but most of the work so far has just been taken up with fielding one crisis after another...I'm exhausted. And still dealing with PTSD, and its triggers, and effects...and the crises aren't even over! God help me! I don't know what to do.
  6. Hi, again, DF. I've been really overwhelmed and trying to find my footing after a series of crises. I'm on fragile ground here, my ability to cope is precarious, but I've been doing better since last night. I did a ton today after putting everything off and doing almost nothing for a week or so. I want to roll with the turnaround, and continue to build on the progress. Things are tentative, but I'm hopeful. I've been seeing a counselor at my university since February, when I got suicidal, but I just moved to a new state, where I'm to start an MA program in the fall. However, I can't get financial aid for the summer, and I'm running out of money - if I reserve it all for rent, I can get by until as late as August if I go to food banks and such. But I absolutely need to have found a job by July at the latest, and the sooner the better, obviously. Granted I haven't applied to that many yet, and only fairly recently. I also need counseling to continue. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, but I don't have insurance or anything. I saw a counselor at the new school today, and he's going to try to get me connected to community resources. This school doesn't even do ongoing treatment. Everything is new, and everything has changed - but my problems haven't been solved, they've just been replaced by new ones. I'm physically safe here, but I hate this place. The town isn't so bad - but claustrophobically SMALL! - but my living situation...is. Everything is dirty, there are bugs everywhere....I'm trying to see if there's a way to get out of this lease. There are so many cheaper, nicer places around here, too - it grates. And the landlord is...creepy. Not in a dangerous or violating way, but...definitely creepy. Very touchy, quick to make accusations...I think, after claiming (wrongly) that I claimed he was trying to cheat me in the prorated rent calculations, that he actually did cheat me! "Protesting too much" should've been a red flag for me, but I was too trusting. This guy wouldn't even help me bring a single thing in from the car when I was moving in - not even light stuff, and he wasn't busy, either. He does a ton around the house, so I don't think he has a bad back or anything like that, either. He certainly didn't feel compelled to explain it, anyway. They're not very responsive, either - they won't turn the heat up or even close windows at night despite the fact I've been so cold I got sick. Just recovering from that, but my allergies are going crazy in this place, too. I look awful and feel miserable, which doesn't help my confidence in applying for a job. I need to get connected in this town, with school, church, a job...being isolated with my troubles only magnifies and distorts them. I saw that when I finally got out today. Enough for one post.
  7. I have a similar problem. I think the first thing is to try to change your perceptions by recognizing the impacts of whatever in your past led to this hyper-vigilance on your part. I think much of your problem comes from the PTSD itself. Trauma needs healing, not just reasoning. Once you are able to process that with someone trustworthy, it will be like a wound beginning to heal - still sensitive, but no longer so easily infected or inflamed. After that, it will continue to need healing as you are able to also use reason to help you function successfully in the world. Eventually, I pray, we can be fully healed and just as strong - or stronger - than others. They say that a broken bone is stronger when made whole again. But that's only if it heals in the first place. Best wishes.
  8. Just read something extremely disturbing on the university website. A book recalling a devilspawn's "experiences as a Black panther...and, at one point, a rapist." I swear, this culture has lost all sense of good and evil, even the most viscerally obvious kind of evil. People who accept that these monsters should be "reintegrated" into society and accepted as ordinary human beings, that they should be dealt with in any way other than through execution, or at least, left to rot in prison, are either demonically possessed or fundamentally evil themselves. Perverted themselves, certainly. Even child rapists are now publicly talked about with sympathy, by creatures who are obviously just as evil themselves. I'm moving farther and farther to the Right every day. Encountering attitudes like this, and the insane responses I'm afraid I might get if I dare speak up at school, or maybe even here, makes me start leaping and running toward the Right. It breaks my heart to see my country destroyed this way, but I'm afraid that our culture is already so corrupted, so disgustingly perverted, that our only hope is a bona fide Resurrection-caliber miracle. I don't know what to do but move to a saner place.
  9. A good day, but I woke up not feeling so good, physically. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to classes yesterday. I skipped today. I need to write the paper that's due tomorrow, anyway. But I really want to write. I'm itching to pursue a couple of threads of this story that's been tugging at me since last night. Now I wish I'd just done it last night. But then it would probably have a death grip on me now, and I couldn't get around to the paper. I just need to tap out this paper, get it over with, so I can move on. It's been bugging me since Friday. The thing is, the prompts are really narrow, and sound hard. They say to bring in stuff on subjects I'm not at all familiar with, and that weren't covered in our readings. I'm frankly sick of undergraduate work. These piddling five-page papers that are incongruously hard to write because of professors' narrow or weird forced focus on things in which I have zero interest. It's especially frustrating because, nine times out of ten, I could easily write good papers on whatever books we're looking at - but on very different themes and subjects in those books. Maybe next time, I'll email the prof in advance to ask if it's OK to diverge from the prompt. Honestly, I'm 31, not 15. I have plenty of my own thoughts without needing to borrow and follow others', thank you very much. Actually, I always did, and always hated this kind of forced focus. But that's another story. Good luck today, everyone.
  10. Exhausted. I skipped the first and last class today...had a headache on and off...just feel out of it, physically. It's hard to concentrate, and I feel like I just don't want to do anything. I think it's the brain fog lingering from the illness. I'm trying not to be impatient. I just want to move past this. But right now, all I want to do is get in bed. I'm to do just that, as soon as possible.
  11. RiverLight, I'm so happy for you!!! That's excellent, and it's always so rewarding see your restraint and patience pay off, especially when they can feel like defeat in the moment. (One of the drawbacks of keeping your head down is that it limits your vantage point, ha ha, but seriously, I think it is far and away the most effective and self-protective things to do in certain situations until you can get out of them.) I'm feeling good this morning. It's been a rocky morning, but good. I'm definitely recovering. Still going to skip the first class, but I'll go to the others, so I need to get ready soon. I'm going to have to work on getting to sleep earlier, though, and using ear plugs for a couple of days. Lack of proper sleep is not helping. Hope everyone has a good day, or feels better, at least. Blessings!
  12. Still stuck in a strange state of mind. State of brain, more like. I feel strange. I'm considering skipping my first class tomorrow, too. I need to go to the others, I think, but I might skip the first and the last. I hope I recover from this soon, whatever it is.
  13. Great morning. On one level. But I don't know if I got enough sleep. I was woken up ~6:45, by cold or noises, I couldn't tell. Maybe it was even the nightmares. But I couldn't get back to sleep. I don't feel physically right today, and my head is...foggy. Sensitive. I don't know, but since my roommates are already going to get my assignments in for me, I'm taking the day off. I only have two classes, anyway, and I know the time to recuperate will help. Classes all day again tomorrow, 11:30-7:15. Well, I get home ~7:45. But at least Wednesday and Thursday will be short days...due to a paper that I'm doing in lieu of the exam on Th. A paper I'd planned on finishing over the weekend, but that I haven't started yet since I've felt brain-dead since getting sick...aaccchh. It's wonderful when physical discomfort doesn't interfere with my mood, but it is still making it hard to concentrate on much... I'm determined not to get out of the swing, though. This semester will crush me if I let things get away from me. The good news is that I've finished almost everything other than the paper that's actually due this week. The readings...I'll just have to catch up with what I haven't managed. And that one other piddling little assignment I can easily tap out in ~5 minutes. The paper...I'll have to try to get some sleep today, and then do it whenever I can manage it. Blessings, everyone.
  14. I'm doing pretty well, but nervous about money again. I've been thinking about graduate school, spending a lot of time on that forum, and I checked on the status of my other applications. None of them told me anything, though, except that my applications are all complete and submitted. With one exception - my top choice school said it hasn't been processed. I think the payment never processed for that school. Or rather, I don't remember it ever asking me for payment, or giving me an option to choose fee waiver (which I did for all of them). I also didn't see the fee waiver granted for Boston College, though I sent the email with documentation weeks ago. I'm going to call those schools, and see what's up. I want to get the fee waivers, obviously, but I'm debating paying if it means there's no other way to get my application even seen. It would cost me $140, though. Outrageous. I paid for my GRE scores to be sent already, too, so I'd lose that money for nothing. *sigh* I think I have a good chance of getting in, which is why I'm willing to spend the money. That acceptance and nomination for a fellowship at one school gave a real boost to my confidence, which had already been rising as the nervousness over the whole application process and attendant mania wore off. I'm going to just spend the money if they don't grant me the fee waivers. In the long run, it would be worth it - better that than always wonder. I'm trying not to worry about money. I'm going to look for food banks in my area, and use up everything I have in my cupboards, too. (The stuff that's healthy enough not to jeopardize my health now.) I spent less on gas this month, too, just by keeping it under 65mph. I cheated a few times, but I'm going to have to cut that out. I really just can't afford it. *deep breath* I know it will be all right. I have to get through this next stretch of time to the best of my ability. I've already got into one good school; I know for sure things will change and get better after this summer. I've only got about 6 1/2 months left to go. And I'll be hearing back from all of the other schools in the next month or two, and then I'll have to get down to the research about cities and cost of living, and advisors and program details, and all the rest of it. I'm sure it'll be thrilling but nerve-wracking (i.e, in terms of "am I making the right decision???"). By mid-April at the latest, I should know for sure where I'm headed, so I'll have that clear, concrete incentive to fight to get and keep a decent job over the summer. (I'll need to have one almost as soon as I graduate, in order to stay afloat, as my funds this year are extraordinarily limited. But with 7 classes, there's no question of getting one before I get my BA. I'm already having trouble treading water here, and being sick hasn't helped.) But I'll have what I need to keep fighting and make it through to the other side. And out of here forever. I might miss classes tomorrow, to make sure I recuperate properly from this bug. I don't think running around in the cold would help. But my roommate was nice enough not only to tell me that A, the other roommate who's been helping me with printing, (since my printer's out), won't be back before tomorrow, but to print my assignment herself. Then she reminded me that if I stay home, I won't be able to give it to A (we have a class together) in order to get it to the prof. I was too brain-fogged to realize that, so R offered to take them to A, since she'll be in that building around the same time. How thoughtful of her! I think it's a very nice gesture after that business with the ex-roommate earlier this week. Makes me confident that prayers are working and that things are going to be all right. :) Good night, all. Blessings and prayers going to out to you.
  15. Feeling better today, and having a good morning. Well, afternoon, now...time got away from me. lol. I know I still need to rest, though, and I'm hesitant to push myself to get on with things. Also feel some pressure, because my roommate is around, and the dishes have piled up from the week that the dishwasher was broken and the kitchen sinks not draining. (Gross, but thankfully fixed yesterday!) Trying to make myself stay warm, avoid the cold floor, etc. I got waylaid on this grad school forum over breakfast. I posted about getting into OSU, but started to worry I hadn't heard from the other schools when I saw some people writing about interview invites right and left. But it turned out that none of them were in my field or else weren't the schools I applied to at all. I checked a results page, and was very relieved to find that only a few of the schools I applied to have responded yet - and none of those responses were from my department. :) So I'm still good. lol. It looks like I need to wait it out until at least mid-February. And most schools don't expect you to give a definite answer of accepting or declining admission until April 15. :) Now...I need to get on with the rest of my day, healthfully. Best of luck, everyone!
  16. I think I feel better...hard to tell. lol. Not worse, anyway. I ate well, more or less, and had some more of that Chinese drink. Seemed to help. But still a bit brain-dead. This bug is worse than physical discomfort/pain. It's so hard to do what I need to do. I know I have to rest, but I can't concentrate on school work. Tomorrow's another day. I stayed up too late, but I'm going to bed now.
  17. I feel brain-dead and have very poor impulse control, as always with these bugs. I don't know how it works, but I don't get fevers anymore. I had some kind of virus that was like Strep in 2009, but the np swore it wasn't Strep. Well, she pumped full of one round after another of antibiotics. It became resistant. And it's recurred every few months or so, ever since. There's this expensive herbal formula that kicks it, but I haven't been able to afford that for a while. So I just try to eat meat, avoid carbs, rest, and stay warm, and sometimes use probiotics. Usually, that kicks it, sooner or later depending on when I recognize the symptoms and start the 'treatment.' I recognized it late this time, though. I think it came on Thursday, after I overexerted myself running for the shuttle, and then scurrying all over campus. This is always brought on by either a) overexposure to cold, especially artificial cold, e.g. arctic air-conditioning; b) overexertion; and/or c) not enough meat/too much (unhealthy) carbs. The combination of c with a or b is most likely of all to start one of these episodes, and lately, overexertion seems more likely to start it than anything. My body's adjusted admirably to the cold with the freakish fall/winter we're having. I'm just hoping I can get my homework done, and that I don't have to miss any classes. I'm about to try a Chinese remedy. Nervous about what's in it, in terms of possible allergens. It's a drink, a gift from my new Chinese roommate, but she isn't around, and the label is in Chinese, so I can't read it. lol. She did say there's no added sugar, though. I doubt there's caffeine or alcohol, and the scent isn't doing me any harm, so I'll take a chance. Hmm. Tastes grainy, not bad, but surprisingly sweet. She did say it's sweetened with some kind of root...
  18. RiverLight, I'm so sorry! I can only imagine how you must be feeling. My advice is to try to stay calm and just take one thing at a time, without either rushing or procrastinating. The former can induce panicky feelings, and the latter...can oppress you with the built-up weight of things, and then guilt and fear, since our minds tend to think up worst-case scenarios and funhouse mirror nightmares about the future. Can you talk to the pdoc about some kind of payment plan? (In the event you do have to pay out of pocket, which I'm praying you won't.) I wish I could offer solutions for this...the only thing I can think of is online counseling. There's free stuff, too, like 7 Cups. You don't need an appt for that last, since they seem to be available more or less 24/7.
  19. Thank you for the congrats, everyone!!! It means more than I can say. I'm so excited...but I got so nervous last night after I sent a reply to OSU. I thanked them and told them how happy I was, but to avoid misunderstandings down the road, I added that I couldn't give a definite acceptance to their offer of admission so early. I hadn't expected to make a decision so soon, and I haven't even heard back from the other 13 schools I'm applying to. I was afraid they'd take that as lukewarmness toward OSU - that they were the last of the 14 schools on my list! lol. They're not, actually, and this morning, I doubt they'll read it that way. After all, it's only mid-late January, and they can't expect a decision that soon. Most schools give you until April 15th to accept or decline admission. There are many, many factors to take into account, like fellowships, housing, etc. I'm afraid I'm starting to come down with something this morning, though, and praying I can kick it before it gets a foothold. I woke up shivering in the middle of the night (after weirdos outside waking me up, throwing around firecrackers and setting off car alarms...scared me so much I called the cops the second time, and that's how I found out what it was). It wasn't cold, the covers just fell of my legs somehow. I woke up clammy, but don't have a temperature. Hoping I can kick it with plenty of eggs/meat. But the chicken is frozen, so I've only got soup. Drat. Doing well mood-wise. Blessings and prayers going out to you all, especially those who are struggling right now. The tide can turn - I'm living proof of that. :)
  20. I finished all of next week's homework for one class, and half of it for another. I read. I did a load of laundry, and now have to go put it away.
  21. ((((((((((((((((scienceguy))))))))))))))))))))
  22. Brian, thank you so much!!! I'm not really used to positive messages (DF excluded, of course :), so when I get them, it means more than I can express, even though I have trouble absorbing them sometimes. But DF has been an invaluable help in undoing and replacing the abusive conditioning of my childhood. Hell, it's been a lifeline, in getting me through some of my toughest times this past fall. It's hard to see how I would've made it so far without the support of this place. I'm pulling and praying for all of you! Congratulations on that writing breakthrough!!! I know well how precious and magical those eureka moments are! That's excellent about your writing guru being so committed to your novel!!! He must see real potential in it. :) You mentioned a kind of "black" moment recently - I've had those, too, when my writing seems wanting in this way and that, and the whole project hopeless. But when my mind clears, I can see through that deceptive thinking, and realize that the "super-critic" voice in my head is full of . I hope you're having that kind of "aha!" moment now! It's one thing for you to love your writing, but other people usually don't stick with it unless they believe it has potential. Keep chiseling away at that thing!
  23. My spirits just soared straight through the roof - I got an acceptance letter from Oregon State University!!! My first one. The first school I've heard back from at all, I mean. Which is odd, really, because I think they're the last school I applied to. Their deadline was only 1/6. Actually, it was an email, and they did say they're notifying their top candidates early. They said they were so impressed with my application that they're nominating me for the Provost's Fellowship. I am just so happy and excited, I don't even know what to do with myself. :smile: :smile: :smile: My fear about the future is evaporating: I was so afraid I wouldn't get in anywhere, and now I know that I've at least got a (good!) position in one school. It's so heartening, in terms of the future, and my chances at the other universities. OSU isn't my first choice, but I'm still deeply grateful. Granted, I'm still waiting to hear back from the PhD programs, not to mention the five British schools I'm in the process of applying to now. OSU was actually the only MA program (English - Literature and Culture) that I applied to; UO, the only MFA program (Creative Writing). Gratitude is just pouring out of me. I've got this wonderful warmth pumping out of my chest. I'm so, so, so glad and grateful and relieved that I pushed through all the storms last fall to pull myself together enough to make myself apply! Thank you to everyone here on DF who helped me through that awful time!!! I won't forget it, and I am grateful beyond words. Love and blessings to all!!!!!!!
  24. Having a wonderful morning. Woke up needing to write. Trying to organize thoughts on this story that's taken over my head since ~2011. I need to get it out, especially before my heart moves on to some other story. I also feel like it's more mine, more reflective of me, than most of my previous work. So much to do right now, though! :) Best to all!
  25. ((((((((((((((Epictetus))))))))))))))))
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