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Everything posted by Skylark1

  1. Why the hell is it so nerve-wracking trying to find a job? And why is it so tedious? It almost feels like a punishment..."paying one's dues." Why is such tedious effort due? And to whom, anyway? My mind works in strange ways. I keep getting INxJ on the MBTI tests. INTJ more often. Not sure about the Enneagram. I think 1, 4, 5, and maybe 7 all fit. I keep thinking of ways this whole job application process is criminally inefficient, and how it could/should all be streamlined. More people hired, better matches, happier employers, etc. Maybe I should undertake the fix myself. Ha...If only I could fix the world. Used to think some of my childhood angst came from all the ways I could see to fix the world, and not being able to apply any of them.
  2. Yeah, my coping skills aren't great, either, even now...especially now. It's just that I learned the hard way how much it costs. I used to drink as much as I could get away with when I was on AD's, even when I was on cocktails including Buspar, Klonopin, Ativan, etc. Until it did so much damage, I just couldn't anymore. I don't even know how to explain just what it did to me, either, except to say that it took an energy out of me that I've just never had since. It was like my brain slowed down, and eventually, instead of the mellow feeling or the high, I'd feel unbearably, unnaturally worse. I could feel even at the time that it was unnatural, that it was severe, and that it was brain damage. I think it affected emotions and memory more than cognition, but...that still sucks. Maybe more than if it affected cognition, but I try not to think about that. I ended up more depressed, and get more easily depressed now. Well, alcohol is a depressant by itself, and add to that, the sedative action of those drugs on the brain...ugh. I've had this draggy, tired feeling that's been almost constant since that time... I've been trying not to think about this stuff, for the last 8 years or so, because it's just so upsetting...my natural coping mechanisms got worse as a result, too. Maybe TMI...ugh...I really shouldn't think about this stuff, it can easily take me back down a black hole. Anyway...do take care of yourself, please! Try telling a doc about the shaking at the very least. The living situation...yeah. I've found myself trying to avoid them the last couple of days. The other roommates are never around either. And I'm freaked out. The woman seems even more ready to get confrontational than the guy. And yeah - snapping at me when I've been here 4 days??? And why wouldn't he just sit down and do the math with me, unless he knew he was cheating me? Especially since it came up wrong more than once, and then he made it seem like he was doing me a favor the second time...this seems like a con, like someone who knows what he's doing. There are people like that who have the nerve to get angry and resentful when their would-be victims catch them at it. Ugh...I'm leaving again right after lunch, to have my phone appt in peace, and then go to the library or something. Maybe apply for more jobs since I look more presentable. Assuming there are places I can still apply in person around here, that I haven't already online. Honestly, it feels like I've just put in so much, and I've barely gotten a trickle of a response back...and to think I missed that one last week! This stupid phone! I'm going to relent and buy a smartphone as soon as I can afford it. Say goodbye to this prepaid wonder. I'm stopping by the school's housing office...and legal office.
  3. Well, if it's the meds, you should definitely tell a doctor about it. Maybe you need to lower the dose? Be careful about just switching meds, though, because then you'll be dealing with withdrawal from one chemical while simultaneously introducing your brain/body to another. Can you go easy on things that interact in the meantime, like alcohol and caffeine? I know we turn to these things to help us deal with the day sometimes, but can you try natural alternatives? I know for me, there's nothing that relaxes me like a massage, and it lasts for many days longer than alcohol. (That's the very first treat I'm going to give myself when I have enough money!) Yeah, the housing situation...it's ridiculous, really. There's a 6-page addendum attached to the lease, about "house rules." And it's amazing how carefully they expect everyone to follow them all. I don't think the other roommates have been doing it, either, because they blamed several things on me in the email that I didn't do. And I've noticed others haven't been following the shower rules, either. Shower rules. Honestly. Plus, no matter how I do the math, the guy seems to have cheated me on the prorated rent for part of May...I'm going to bring this up with the counselor. I have my last phone appt with my old counselor today, too - I'm going to go somewhere private for that. I'm just so scared of a confrontation. The emails & stuff have mostly been carefully enough worded that they're not overtly hostile. They're passive aggressive. Except that just a few days after I got here, the landlord snapped at me when I said I couldn't understand how he was doing his calculations - I was the one who ended up apologizing, reassuring him that I didn't think he was trying to cheat me...and then he cheated me! This is really disgusting...I can't put up with it. He did apologize for snapping - but he still cheated me, and did it in a way that made me think at the time that he was doing me a favor. (He claimed he lowered the total since he didn't have the right change for me.) These people are bad news. I need to find a new place. That encounter put me on toes in this house, though, which might've been his purpose. I hate feeling so alone & vulnerable...the sooner I get connected to resources and people who know how to navigate this sort of thing, the better.
  4. So the prayer group was kind of a no-go. It was very short, and I found it just as it was ending. I did, however, meet a couple of people, including a very nice Filipino lady who gave me her number and told me to call if she could help with anything. Very sweet. Her husband's in real estate, and she said she might know someone who might know of housing options for a student. I told them about the bad fit housing situation - just that I think I've developed an allergy to dogs/cats, not the rest. The landlords are so creepy. I got back to find an email from them about housekeeping and following their minute instructions about everything - even how to take a shower. Last time, trying to follow the madness to a T, I got splashed by a filthy wet rug after my shower (we're supposed to hang it up on the rack right after, because allegedly it dries better that way)...so disgusting. I soaped myself off as best I could in the sink afterward, but - no, thank you. Not again. When I was leaving one dish in the sink this morning, very early on my way to Mass, the landlady got an attitude about it. I wished her a good day as I was leaving, and she just stared at the dish and said slowly, in a fed up school marm type voice, "Yeeeaaah." Then as I was going out the door, I thought she called out "See you Sunday." ....? I don't know if that was supposed to be some kind of weird accusation about never being around and shirking my household duties? Honestly, these people are weirding me out so badly. The sooner I get out, the better. I'm going to try bringing up the animal allergy theory today, to talk about doing a sublease, or just trying to get out of my lease altogether. The latter would be my preference, really - that way, hopefully I could get my security deposit back right away... I really need to get in touch with community resources about housing and so forth. I'm worried about getting by, money-wise, as it is. I wonder if I could/should also just tell the landlords that? That my finances are strapped to the point where this place has become too expensive for me? Wishing everyone a good day. I offered the Mass for you, and for all the struggling people I know. Hope you can feel its fruits today.
  5. Uh-oh. RL, this sounds a bit alarming. I remember you saying you've been drinking a lot recently. I know alcohol - as well as caffeine - interacts badly with certain meds. That's only one reason why I tend to be against them in general - too many potential interactions. I don't like to say too much about it around here, since I don't want to upset people unnecessarily if they're going to take them anyway... I hope it's nothing to do with any of that. I would recommend seeing someone about this, and doing a bit of research in the meantime - try to avoid any combinations that might be harmful. Please take good care of yourself.
  6. I saw a deer. Or maybe it was a fawn. It was about the size of a Great Dane, and at first, I did think it was a dog. There was a for-sale sign between me & it, and I slowed down because it was so big and apparently alone. It was alone, but it was a...deer. I was walking home from Mass, and it was on someone's lawn. I've never been that close to a deer before. It literally passed right by me. It stared at me, and when I didn't seem to accept it, it bounded away toward the back. But then it just stood there and watched me. I turned around several times, and just stopped a few times. Especially when a couple of people my age came out of their houses and didn't even give it a glance. I almost thought they couldn't have seen it, but how do you not notice a deer bounding across the lawn right across the street? Maybe it's a pet. Maybe they're just used to seeing it and don't think anything of it anymore. But don't fawns tend to grow rather big? Do people keep pet deer? I just thought, w.t.f..... Where am I? We're far from the woods here. It's all suburban, there's a university campus three blocks away, traffic all around (albeit, two-lane roads, and they're not very crowded). I would've had a picture for everyone, but my stupid phone didn't want to work. "Camera error." Maybe if I see it around again...
  7. Straightened my hair for the first time in I don't even remember how long! It's nice to like the way I look again. At least, to like it better. I really am starting to feel human again. :-)
  8. Wow these people are inconsiderate. They left the porch door open to a massively overgrown backyard right after the talk about how bad my allergies are... Plus it's quite cold outside now it's dark - in the 60's F. I've just been wondering why it's freezing in my room so fast. Closed the door and put on another sweater. Definitely pursuing the sublet thing...
  9. Feeling better. Had a wonderful appt & talk with the program director. He gave me a ton of great advice, might even have a job lead (in my field & on campus, not on the edge of town!), and we talked about my thesis, getting into a PhD program, applying to conferences and publications...I felt like I was in my element again. Honestly, I've taken so many weird courses lately, and life has been such a mess...it's good to start feeling on track again. If I can just make it to the end of this summer and the start of the program, I know things will improve tremendously. I just have to get there! I feel so much better...I've been too isolated, spinning over everything in my head, making it all so much worse. DF has helped, getting out and connecting with people in my field is helping, and taking better care of myself helps. I feel human again! I shouldn't have let myself go to seed, so to speak. I feel so much better when I look more normal - I think I went most of the last two weeks without bothering with any makeup or even jewelry or perfume...mostly because I felt physically miserable and gross from the crazy allergies, anyway. But the Neti p.o.t. helped a lot - will be using it daily. I just feel cleaner. And I'm going to flat-iron my hair this evening, which should help my mood even more. When I was out today, I actually started noticing that it is rather pretty here, with the sun finally out and a warm-ish breeze in the air. I rescheduled my appt with my old therapist for tomorrow. I even realized I had a voicemail about another job opportunity - I'll be rather late responding, but I'm still going to respond, tomorrow. All around in a better mood. Will take in a movie with dinner, and then try to make an early night of it - have to get up criminally early tomorrow for Mass and a prayer group. The more connected I get, at church & school, the better I know I'll handle everything. I may even have a kind of out from this living situation. The owner himself has asked (because of the severity of my allergies) if I could've developed an allergy to dogs or cats. Honestly, it's been ages since I lived with either, and I've barely had any contact in so many years, that I could have. And the cats have been in my room. So I could use that as an excuse to find a sublet. Praying... & Praying for all of you! Hugs!
  10. Trying not to freak out. I missed my call from my old therapist - need to call her back, but still need to do my makeup and run for my appt...achh! Really need to talk to her, too.
  11. That job prospect was a no-go. They said they'll keep me in mind if a part-time position opens, but my school schedule changing in Sept wouldn't work with them... Feel so gross. The landlords keep opening windows despite my grass seed allergies already being out of control. Honestly. Taking lease to the legal offices if time allows. Otherwise, tomorrow. Need to finally resort to the Neti p.o.t. Ugh. Also need to do something about my hair...makeup... I've been a mess since arriving, but my first meeting with the program director is today. Ach! Right after my last phone appt with my old therapist. God help me. At least Mass is right after, at 5:00 today.
  12. I just watched All-American M.ur.der.s tonight, and unexpectedly loved it. Reminded me of my childhood, better memories of (at least culturally) better times. In a way. It was kind of a lighthearted spoof, but still so ridiculously, lovably early 90's. So cute. Might even watch it again. EDIT: Whoa, auto-edit seems like it's in overdrive. Hope my words show up this time...otherwise, it might sound like I'm upvoting what might seem like a really creepy/freak-o movie, lol. At least, I don't know how else people might interpret the bleeped out portion.
  13. I had to Google "Mad Men." I can't imagine having a Mad Man father...think I'd be even more neurotic, lol. No offense. I think I'm in a strange state of mind, not sure how I slipped into it these last months...or years. It's worse now, under all this stress, but basically, some days, it's like I wake up & just can't get it together. I fumble through the day and by the time I finally feel ready to begin it...it's over. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm naturally a night owl. Compounding that is the fact that my sleep schedule has been dramatically ****ed up by this last semester, the week on the road, and the sickness & madness since moving here. I don't feel like I'm adjusting. Just, nothing feels real. Don't know how to make it feel real, or snap out of any of this.
  14. @RiverLight Good luck! Please let us know how it goes, and if you're all right. I think I might be in flight mode. I have a sense of tension, and though I responded to the email about a job, I mostly feel like I haven't done much today...I walked to church again for adoration, glad to get out...and the cold isn't as bad now. Bracing, not unpleasant...or maybe it's just warmer out today than it's been? I watched another movie, something I rarely do anymore. Though it seems like it's been helping me unwind. Also seems healthier, really, than just listening to music and spinning uselessly in my unpleasant thoughts as I bounce from one site to another trying in vain to stay on top of things. I'm trying not to get discouraged with the job search. This really does feel overwhelming, like drowning. There's so much to wade through, and I'm either not qualified or a bad fit for so many leads. I don't have a car, am not in great physical health...sigh. I don't have experience with many of them, and almost all require experience in that field. Which is like a catch-22 because how am I supposed to get experience if no one in the field will hire me without it??? I don't like procrastinating, so I'm getting tense because I feel guilty for taking breaks. And I'm hesitant to leave my room because the creepy guy is around. I just feel so awkward here. I feel like there is just TOO MUCH to do, and I don't know where to begin or how to catch up with any of it. I've been feeling this way, more or less, for months. I keep wishing I were back in my old place, which was at least more comfortable than here...except there was that creepy guy outside, but that one wasn't just creepy, he seemed dangerous - catcalling, staring at me, and all that. UGH. Why is my life such a disaster? I have to stop thoughts like these. Even if that means burying my head for a while. I've applied to so many jobs. I think I'm possibly being too hard on myself here about the breaks. I do want to get ready/prepared for everything I have to do tomorrow, though...laundry, etc. I know I'm just here now, and I have to deal with that. I need to look forward, not back. Focus on finding a job without being too hard on myself, get connected with community resources...hopefully find a new place, and soon. *Deep breath* OK - moving forward, one foot after the other. Just get through it. You've gotten through so much worse. I know this will end eventually, even if it takes the full 4 months until grad school starts. 4 months still isn't forever. How's that for positive thinking?
  15. LOL, exactly...toots...oh, my...it's been ages since I even heard that in the movies...thankfully, lol.
  16. In my opinion, no, neither. Personally, I don't think the old school was all wrong, but I'm one to try to be careful about throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It's when things like "baby" start filtering in that I get worked up - equating women with girls is not OK. Because it infantilizes women and gives men a distinct and irrational edge, yes, but most importantly, because history shows that it also leads to equating girls with women in the wider culture, which is the darkest kind of "misogyny" there is. I think most women are far more concerned with due respect and a safe atmosphere for women and especially girls, than we are about old-fashioned words...although the complete omission of any mention of half the race in most of the Catholic Catechism (except in horribly bigoted sections) and continual reference to "Man," as if women were also men, still disgusts me. TMI? But thanks for asking, Brian!
  17. The Private Lives of Pippa Lee. Eh. There was a lot wrong with it, but I did kinda like the ending. It seemed like it was written, as well as narrated, by someone deeply ****ed up by drugs, though. Like so many Hollywood movies of the last couple of decades...at least. They're in trouble. Not that that's news.
  18. I've had such a weird day. Late morning, again. I slept right through Mass, felt terrible, then ended up being really late even for my scheduled Adoration period. I stayed late to make up for it. And I know it'll be OK when I go to Mass tomorrow. I've got so much to do tomorrow, including my very last phone appt with my old therapist. I'll miss her, really; I hope I have the same luck here in my new town. I got contacted about a job! It's at a local bookstore, which would be perfect. I am worried, though, because the description says there's occasional "maneuvering" of 50lb + boxes. I'm very petite, not far from a waif, so I'm afraid they'll just look at me and dismiss me, if I make it to an interview. Besides, I'm almost positive I couldn't lift that much. Not sure what "maneuvering" means, but I did do more than I thought I could, more easily than I'd have dreamed, during the interstate move. I've been losing weight, too, though, getting weaker during the decline these last months, especially the last couple of weeks or so. I know it's partly just not eating enough. Anyway, I'm nervous. They also want to know my availability for the next year...I doubt I'll want to work full time during the first year of my master's, though I might if I can, just to save up money. I don't EVER want to be in such dire straits again! Hoping, praying, so badly, that I can get through this whole ordeal. Make some connections in this tiny town, get a good job, get to a safe, nice, CLEAN place to live. And get out of this weird head space. I think I might go to confession, but with only one priest, it's not easy. Praying for all of you, too. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
  19. RiverLight, I'm so very sorry. I agree that it makes sense it would take time for him to respond...I can relate so well to being scared of his responses, of having to stand your ground, and of just wanting to cut and run. It's kind of like that feeling you get being close to the edge of a height - this weird feeling of wanting to jump just to get it over with. But it's not really you that wants to do that, it's just a panicky reflex that seems to come from outside of yourself, and it's not rational. I'm sensing the same thing happening here. I'd caution against doing anything rash, especially since you're so worked up. When we're in this state of extreme excitement, be it good or bad, hasty decisions about major life issues rarely turn out to be for the best. While you might need to break up with him after all, doing it like this, in an avoidant manner, doesn't seem like it would end up being good for you. You'd probably always "wonder," for one thing. Especially when you don't know his reaction yet. I don't know enough details to really advise you in regards to the relationship itself, but I do think moving very slowly is the best policy when you're so wrought up about any major decision. I'd advise doing some calming exercises, to try to manage your own emotions for now. Can you go to a movie or something just to take your mind off of it? Before meeting him? Or maybe take a hot bath or do some aromatherapy? Whatever works for you, just to get yourself grounded in your own mind and heart again. Right now, it just seems like a storm has got a hold of you, and you're not in the best position to communicate from your heart of hearts, anyway. Praying for you, that all goes well, and that you come through this healthy and strong, whatever happens between you and him.
  20. Thanks for your support. I don't know. I try to, in the middle of it all, in pockets when I have time or nothing to do. But there's so much looming that needs to be done...you know that Maslow pyramid? Right now, even my basic needs are not taken care of. I'm in a horrible living situation, where I feel really uncomfortable. One of those situations where you kind of remain on tiptoe, not comfortable even resting your weight into a place, if that makes any sense. For one thing, everything feels really dirty. And there are SO many restrictions on what I can do, and when, and how, that I really don't feel welcome or like the room is even mine...these are the pickiest, most restricting landlords I've EVER had. Hoping I can get a load of laundry into the washer before the next roommate beats me to it. We can only do laundry on Sundays and Tuesdays...unless the guy finishes early another day, but we have to ask first. I just wish I had someone to turn to in this, but I don't have any family. I can't borrow money, and I don't know anyone in town. Hopefully I can get connected soon through the church, and get in touch with community resources...and make some friends. Isolation and feeling lost in a strange, radically different state doesn't help anything.
  21. (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) to all of you who need it right now...sounds like that's a lot. I went to Mass again, and it did help quite a bit. I feel calmer, more whole after Communion. It's Pentecost today, so happy Pentecost to anyone who feels like celebrating it. It's gray and dreary as usual, too. I had to go to the store, I've got basically nothing left to eat. And the weirdest thing - they don't give out plastic bags here! They even make you pay for paper ones without any handles! Thankfully, an attendant was sympathetic when I told him I'm walking home, and let me have a couple of sturdier plastic/cloth ones for free. Still had to carry them all the way home, though. Now I've cut into money for my phone bill for next month. Should still be able to pay for this month...really need to find a job soon. I'm applying online to everything I can, but I've been told the local kids will take all the jobs when they get out of school/college in about a month...which makes me nervous and further incentivizes me to find work ASAP. I've got a few things set up for the week ahead: appt with the school counselor, who'll refer me to community resources...hopefully free; phone appt with old counselor (last time talking to her!), to check in and make sure I'm on track; my first meeting with the program director...praying I handle that well, SO NERVOUS; a workshop-like thing on Thursday at a local church connecting people with all kinds of resources...hopefully they can help me with food, medical, maybe even a job and with the housing situation. I think people are right that I'll be miserable as long as my living situation is miserable - basically everyone has told me this - especially not being in school or working right now, and thus spending so much time at home. I'm really nervous/scared about breaking the lease, though, and about confrontations. It's especially bad now because I've learned the live-in landlords are friends with one of the profs I want on my advising committee (not my primary advisor, though). I'm still going to pursue legal advice, and try to leave, though - it's just too uncomfortable. The bugs. The cold. The dirtiness. Everything is inconvenient. I can only do laundry on certain days - and the other roommates also need to do theirs the same days, so I haven't been able to even start mine yet, and I have 4-5 loads built up. Even the microwave is in the garage, on top of a fridge where I can barely reach. Even with a step ladder, it's really awkward.... It's just ridiculously awkward here. And I feel judged and uncomfortable. And it's way too expensive for all this , especially with so many cheaper, apparently nicer places around! Ach! I feel like I keep gushing out way too much here. But I have so much to gush out right now - so much is wrong, I don't know where to start! I don't want to start worrying about things I can't help, but I realize the longing comes out in my stories - for family (parents, not children), and connection, and a place to belong, where I'm understood and valued for who I am instead of always being an outcast for failing to pretend well enough that I'm someone else. If I don't write, though, I handle stress so much worse. Praying things continue to improve, as they've started to since I went back to daily Mass...praying for all of you.
  22. Still waiting for all of this to resolve itself into reality. To become real. To feel real. It just won't sink in. It feels like a dream. I can't believe I really left Arizona like this. I can't believe I really behaved so recklessly, irresponsibly, childishly. Desperately. I can't believe I was in such a panic - a superstitious panic about "never being able to get out." Now I'm out - in this. ***? I just can't believe any of it. I keep waiting for it to feel real. I feel like I've been waiting for my real life to begin for...my whole life? Like I'm waiting to wake up. I don't know, but the time since arriving in this surreally horrific house just does not feel real, even compared to the time before - even the drive up, which was awful in itself. I just keep wishing and hoping for a time when I can be in a safe, comfortable, clean place again. I know that escapist desire is selling myself short, though. I know God wants more for me than I want for myself. I need to start living into his plan, aiming high, rather than selling myself short. I got into a fully funded MA program! I won a fellowship, for crying out loud. It all starts in 4 months. Just 4 more months. I've earned my BA with a 4.0. I wish I'd gone to my graduation. Maybe then that would feel real to me, and I'd have some sense of the milestones and achievements I've already earned. I just wish good things and hope felt real. Tangible. Reachable. Instead of horror, always looming. It's hard to hold on. I really, really need some kind of support network here, some connections to keep me grounded. There's so much darkness in my head, my memories, that without outside social support, it can easily sweep me away into oblivion. I probably need to tell someone that.
  23. Watched A Doll's House from '73 with Anthony Hopkins. Loved it. Seriously thinking about leaving this place, breaking my lease. I still haven't received a copy! I'm going to take it to the school's legal services and student advocacy, and see how they can help me. Still seriously concerned, especially about physically leaving, and the guy trying to stop me or hold on to my stuff.
  24. Mass actually helped, feel a little better. Had some "dinner" which consisted of a can of refried beans without any add-ons...really must go to a food bank this week. Hoping to unwind with a movie if I can find anything good on Hulu.
  25. Trying to figure out whether to go to Mass. It's anywhere between 53-56 degrees out, depending on which weather report I trust, and still raining... Just when I've been starting to feel better, too...though my nose won't stop running. At least the rain is pushing the pollen to the ground. And I know if I try to avoid the rain here, I'll just be inside most of the time. I haven't been doing as well today, compared to yesterday...I probably do need Communion. Ugh. I guess I'm going out in that. Now I need to find out about bus schedules, so I can skip at least part of the walk. I feel brain-dead. Probably the harmful substances I've taken though I knew I shouldn't. On the advice of basically everyone, I have been looking for new places, too, but I'm still really scared of breaking another lease, and especially, of physically leaving and encountering...objections, confrontations, the guy trying to keep my stuff as, I don't know, collateral or whatever. I don't know about the legality, and have to wait til Monday to find out from the school's legal services. Wish I'd stayed in my old horrible living situation. At least there, I had a car, it was sunny and DRY, rent was cheaper, I hadn't chucked so much of my stuff in the move, and I knew what to expect. I can't believe I did this. I tend to run, and to act rashly, in desperation. But I've been desperate for so many years. How can I get out of desperation without getting out of what's making me desperate? But if acting from desperation always leads to this...am I just doomed? Trying not to think of suicide again. I should go to Mass.
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