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Everything posted by Skylark1

  1. Had spaghetti, unsweetened apple sauce, and black beans earlier.
  2. Praying for you all. Please pray for me as well, and those I have in my prayers, some of whom are struggling unbelievably.
  3. I'm not sure how I feel. Trying to slow down and rest after the day I've had. Hunger wouldn't abate for a long time. And now, I've still got that application to finish...but I'm just kind of sitting here, blank. Things are looking up after all this scurrying around...and I've been handling things so much better, with social interactions, my emotions. No longer hopeless. Don't feel much at all. Hope my brain's OK. Hope, hope...I need to do something I enjoy. Maybe I'm too tired?
  4. In good news, my program director did agree to let me enroll for summer term! I didn't tell him all of my motivations, just the employment and housing pieces. I said it would give me access to more resources, since I can't get a student job or campus housing without being enrolled. And thank God, OSU's academic year begins in the summer, so financial aid limits won't be an issue, since I used all of last year's for my BA. They don't have any funding for the summer, and I'll have to rely solely on federal aid, too. Praying that's enough, at the very least for tuition and housing.
  5. Thank you! You're a genius - it worked! lol That's one worry solved. And I certainly don't need any more right now.
  6. Argh! After the insanely busy day I've had - I've literally had maybe a free hour since I woke up at 7:AM! - my stupid phone isn't working! I checked to make sure, and I still have a week before my next bill. It just says "Emergency Calls Only" and "No Service Area." Now I need to find, and visit, an AT&T store! Ugh! I'll try talking the card out in the back. Resetting it. That works on other stuff, but the back cover isn't coming off. It's a 4-year-old prepaid phone...
  7. RL, ((((hugs)))) What happened? You seemed so much better recently. If you want to talk about it. Please take care of yourself and let us know you're all right.
  8. Argh! I stayed up way too late trying to finish the damn application tonight so they'd have it first thing in the morning. After the day I've had, I needed to be in bed two hours ago. Essay questions, why essay questions??? I realized it was silly, just shot off an email thanking them, assuring them that I'm available, etc. - should've done that ASAP, and could've many hours earlier - and am calling it a night with two questions left. Thankfully the needle pains are gone. Good night & God bless!
  9. Trying not to worry about job applications, the landlord, everything.
  10. Very weird. I've been having this sharp pain in my back. Not the muscles, but the skin - like I'm being poked lightly with a needle. I thought it was a tag biting into my skin, but it's not. Even when my fingers are on there, I have the feeling. Then I started having it on my left ankle. I don't see a bug bite, but I'm worried about ticks or something. The landlord told me that's one of the pests they deal with here - but he said not to worry, as they tend to drop down on you from trees. Um...it's the Pacific Northwest! There are trees f'ing everywhere! I've been walking under canopies the whole over-productive day! On a hike in MA last summer, I found a couple deer ticks in the cuff of my jeans when my friend scanned me for them. Hoping to God....
  11. Thank you for starting such a thread! I'm astounded myself sometimes by some of the things I read by members who are working so hard, where it seems like they successfully wear the mask of normalcy while suffering so much as we read about here. Keeping up a mask like that in order to function as a successful employee...it takes a lot. I think, at least socially, you can get away with more as a student than as an employee. I had to constantly perform at high levels intellectually, but I didn't have to pretend I was happy about it, except in meetings with professors. So yes, kudos and hats off to those of you who must - and do, day after day. May God sustain you and keep you on track! I'm scared of even being able to do it, as I scramble madly to find a job. I put myself through absolute hell this past semester finishing out my BA with 7 classes. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, but I had to keep my 4.0 - and I did...at what cost, I do not know. I've been a nervous wreck...though I was, even before. Doing a bit better now, in certain ways, but now it's the job search draining me. And once the normal mask wins over an employer and they hire me, I'll have to keep it on every damn day. But I can see here that some of you do manage it, which gives me hope and courage to try.
  12. Been feeling down, seemingly out of nowhere. It might've been hearing back from one new housing situation I'm looking at, that not only do I have to do an application (I'd fail the credit check right now, due to running up some debt this past semester when the sh*t hit the fan), but there's a massive deposit. So that situation won't work...need to find something else. The landlord is also being weird now. I think it was from talking to his wife about me leaving early due to the animal allergies...she's even less nice, quite off-putting in fact. *sigh* I really can't take any more sh*t from this couple. I need to get out, and ASAP. I still haven't finished the application the bookstore sent. I want to have it in at least by tonight so they can see in the morning that I'm interested and have done it. But I feel so draggy, from too much physical exertion. I forgot how hard it is not having a car! Plus...there's just too much to do around the house. Tired. Wish I had something to cheer me up.
  13. @Thyme I'm so sorry you're both having to deal with such a horrible situation so young. I agree with the two posts above, but I also agree with your own thought that your girlfriend's symptoms point to a possible disease. Or at least some serious physical condition. I strongly suspect that it's being terribly worsened by her isolation, lack of empathy from most of those around her, and totally inappropriate developmental situation. Her symptoms seem really extreme for psychological distress alone, so I think there has to be a physical aspect to what's wrong. My heart really breaks for this girl, and for you having to witness this without knowing what to do. She's 16 - it's a given that she should be in school! And interacting with peers of her own age. This deprivation could be affecting her on a neurological level, which could cause physical effects as well as psychological. Especially if there is no affection from her so-called family. Thank God she has you! It sounds like she's really lucky. What you're both going through is terrible, and I'm glad you seem to have a clear, rational understanding of how wrong it is - superstitious rejection of doctors, gender discrimination, ignoring your own child's medical problems... My goodness! You're both very brave and strong people for fighting this, even seeing each other secretly, and trying to get help. You're definitely doing the right thing! I'll keep you both in my prayers. Sexual abuse in childhood has also been known to cause all kinds of physical as well as psychological problems in some people, though. I majored in psychology my first two years in college, so I know a little bit about this kind of thing, but unfortunately not nearly enough to give you the help or advice you need - you have to find a way to get in contact with a doctor. Are there free services in your country? Can you ask your own parents for help, or would you just get into trouble? Or how about a nurse or guidance counselor at your school? (I'm assuming you still go to school?) Is it even legal in your country to take a child out of school? In many countries, parents would get in big trouble for taking a 16-year-old out of school without providing her with at least some kind of education through home-schooling. If there are laws like this at all in your country, you might be able to get help by contacting a national department of education and telling them the situation. The fact that her parents refuse to take her to a doctor when she tells them she is sick and feeling all these pains is almost certainly criminal...in almost any country, but I don't know the laws in yours. Can you find out? They should have some kind of legal obligation to get her medical care. If they're not doing this, you should be able to get help so she can see a doctor even though they don't want her, too. I found a page on a US government mental health site where you might be able to get advice: They had some resources and information on that site, and here's some info on breathing exercises and relaxation techniques that might help her in the meantime: There's also a site where you can get online counseling, and talk to other teenagers who are struggling with difficult situations (though not nearly as bad as hers, I think). It shouldn't matter which country you're in: There's also a toll-free number where you can talk to mental health professionals: 1-800-273-8255. Here's a crisis line especially for teens - I think they definitely wouldn't turn you away. At the least, they should help you find resources in your own country. 1-800-448-4663. There are a bunch of hotline numbers at this site: These are all in the US, but since you're underage, I'm hoping they would still help you find some kind of services where you are. Is there a major city near you? Do they have any kind of free medical services? I know you said it's a superstitious culture, but sometimes churches also have free services, or can help people get connected to medical services and education. At least with Catholic churches, I can vouch that doing these things is part of their mission. There are missionary churches in Third World countries (I'm not sure if yours would qualify as one), that often have foreign priests, where they specifically help the local people with humanitarian services. I'm not sure if this would work wherever you are, but if there's one in your city, it might be worth a try. I just hope you can get connected, in person, to adults who can help you handle this, though - teenagers should not be left to deal with things like this on their own! I'm so sorry you have to, but please keep us updated to let us know what happens. This is a very responsive site, so hopefully somehow we can get you connected to the right people. Best of luck to you! P.S. Feel free to PM me if you want. I'm not sure how I can help you, but I can try to get you in touch with appropriate people in your own country. Or at the least, resources to help you cope. God bless.
  14. YAY!!! I just heard back from the bookstore again - they've had another change, and they're now looking for a bookseller! This could work perfectly!!! The days they outlined, plus they'll train me and have me work more during the summer, and then adjust my schedule once classes start. I'm so excited! Praying it works out!!! Of course, the campus job might work better, but I have a hunch this might pay more. And I haven't heard back about the internship at all yet.
  15. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had it thrown back in my face when I've tried to be nice, too, and it's extremely upsetting when you have to see the jerk again daily. Is there any way you can change that, so you can leave the job or the apartment or whatever? As to anxiety, considering what I know of your situation, the first thing that pops into my head is 7 Cups. It's a website (just google it 7 cups of tea) where they offer free online counseling. You can chat with a counselor, or a support group. It's been really helpful in my worst moments. And of course, the old-fashioned remedy for anxiety was a glass of warm milk with a spoonful of honey, which can also just be very soothing. I also use a cal/mag supplement, and protein seems to be calming. Do try to eat right and take care of yourself. Will keep you in my prayers.
  16. So busy. I've been running around all over the place, it seems, with hardly a free moment today. I still have to go to that open house thing to see about medical and jobs and whatnot. Hoping to connect with my program director before the ombudsman does, about enrolling for summer. I don't want him to know all my chaos, but I do need the services that being enrolled would open to me. Trying to keep eating & resting enough for all the exertion. & figure out what to say to the program director, or the landlord (the latter, about the ridiculousness of thinking allergies can be "tested" by one night away from animals).
  17. River, I'm so sorry. How senseless and infuriating that an old (abusive!) ex has the nerve to slander you after all this time. Ugh! Yes, he is clearly the one who is crazy, projecting all his own B.S. onto women who reject him. It would anger and disgust anyone, but it is his wrong, not yours. I'm sorry it's bringing up stuff from past abuse....people like that can really mess with your mind. Like Brian said, try to put the past behind you. You know the truth, and that's what's most important - don't let anyone mess with that. You were strong enough to get out, so you're strong enough to own the truth now. Hope all goes well with the job search - pacing yourself is good, and it sounds like you've got some other leads now. Best of luck!
  18. I had my last phone appt with my old therapist, finally went to the offices I was procrastinating about visiting, got the ball rolling on so much...got connected with someone who seems like she'll help me navigate this whole mess to get the resources I need. Feel very good about all that. Plus, the talk with my landlord about needing to break the lease due to the animal allergies went so well - and now it's over, and I don't have that looming over me! :-) Feeling better tonight...early night to get up very early for Mass. Hope the rest is enough after the physically draining day I've had.
  19. Yeah, connection and social support is key in situations like this, I think especially with PTSD because it's so easy to go off your head without a firm anchor in outside perspectives. I'm trying to reconnect with the outside world to keep myself oriented and grounded...it's not easy.
  20. Hi, hsk. Welcome, again, to DF. I don't know much about the German education system, but how bad are your cumulative grades, really? I don't understand how you could've been admitted to a college, and then suddenly admission have revoked just because your grades are slipping in your last term of high school. Isn't your overall grade cumulative? In other words, are you sure that getting bad marks now really ruins your chance of going to college? Has the college told you that, or are you making assumptions? I might try talking to advisors or other officials at your high school, and then at the college, to see what your options are. And have you spoken to your teachers or anyone else at the high school to see if there is anything you can do to pull your grades back up? Is there extra credit? Can you do summer school? You said your teachers are being unfair, but that sounds like you're making assumptions without having exhausted your options. Usually, at the very least, you can go over the teacher's head to the principal/headmaster. Can your parents get involved if you're being treated unfairly? I find it hard to believe that a country as advanced as Germany wouldn't have some kind system in place to address unfairness, inappropriate grading, and so forth. It sounds like you're making too many assumptions without pursuing all your options. I know fighting the system can seem intimidating and overwhelming when you're 17, but you've got to do it sometimes, or else you'll just sink to the bottom in life - anywhere in life, at any age. And really, parents are there to help you. They probably want you to go to college more than you want it for yourself, so I'd tell them and beg them to help you do whatever it takes so you can go. Maybe they can hire you a tutor if that's what it takes. Or if not, they could help you find someone who might tutor you for free, in exchange for work or whatever. Just don't ever give up without a fight, especially something as important as college. Protest, fight, do whatever you can. I would never give up a dream like college without fighting tooth and nail. And yes, you're right, it will make an enormous difference in your life. It has immeasurable power to determine the course of your life. And learning to fight for what you want now will only help you tremendously throughout life. I wish to God I'd learned it earlier - it would've saved me wasted years of misery. I went to college late (at 25), and just got my BA. I'm about to start a master's program now, but I don't see why you should wait, much less give it up and "live a life you don't want to live."
  21. Just spoke to the landlord, very non-accusatory, very friendly, about the likelihood of my having developed animal allergies. He was very receptive, sympathetic, even agreed it might be necessary to end the lease early. Only, he wants to do a "test" where I spend the night somewhere else to see if I get better in an animal-free environment...! I think this is overkill...I told him I'll ask around, but he already wants to run it all by his wife (who's away somewhere again), and their friend, who should have a free room. He doesn't know if her house is animal-free, though. I'm going to ask the lady at the HSRC office, and my cohort. I hope to God someone can put me up for one night. I'll even try asking the lady from church. Weird request for people I haven't known long, but the school does have "emergency housing." One night shouldn't be an issue...but at least it looks like I can get out of the lease, and without confrontation, and on more or less amicable terms! Thank God!
  22. Feel so much better. Met a lovely lady at the HSRC office (forgot what it even stands for!) who said she can help with basically all the things I'm struggling with. So relieved to talk to her and have someone understand, care, and offer help. The biggest relief? She says it shouldn't be an issue getting out of my lease! :-) SO very relieved! This the first time since I got here that I haven't been worry about getting out of this Godforsaken place! She also walked me over to the food pantry, and I got home and ate well...maybe for the first time in days. Had to force myself, but now I'm still hungry. Probably a good sign. :-)
  23. acchh...! I just had my last-ever phone appt with my old therapist... Trying not to feel grief or feel abandoned. We ended on a great note, and I'm trying to live into the strength and motivation I communicated to her. We talked about how important it is for me not to isolate and try to face everything on my own, how it just all distorts in my head, fun-house mirror fashion, into impossible obstacles. I need to reach out, stay connected, and get the help I need - in everything. I still feel so apprehensive about connecting with the offices that I have to here at OSU...but I'm going to do it. Now, while I'm here, and they're open. I'll go to as many as I can tonight, and...give myself credit...and calmly do the rest tomorrow or Friday when I have time. There are a lot of options, so I'll try them - widen my net. If I don't throw it in the water, I know I'll continue to not have what I want. It's throwing it, more than failing, that petrifies me. Thanks, Riv, thanks everyone, for your advice & support! It is appreciated more than you know, and I'm rooting for you all, too! Sending many blessings & (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) to everyone who needs them now! God knows I do. One of my characters has a giant teddy bear with his coloring, for his kids, for when he travels. (My goofier side, I know.) Right now, I wish I could throw myself into its arms and find a way to weep. My tears have been trapped inside since I was a child, and almost never escape now. But I wish I could find a way to ease the ache.
  24. Thanks, River! That's a great idea! I'll definitely check it out! So sorry you're facing burnout, but I understand all too well. Grueling is the word all right! But can I ask, what are these assessments? I've never even heard of them. I'm thinking of trying recruiters, temp agencies...anything I can at this point. The job lead - I haven't heard back from that office yet, though my director cc'd me on an email to them...still praying for it, but there's the complication of my not being enrolled yet, and also my being on a fellowship the first year. Fellows aren't supposed to work...an honor, but argh!
  25. If you're not reacting like I did, then let's hope so! ((((((((hugs)))))))) back. Praying for everything to turn out fine. Maybe it was the stress, or the meds all by themselves. Still hope you tell a doc about it soon. The job hunt is driving me nuts. I keep applying to anything that seems like a possibility, but I didn't fully appreciate how small a town this is. Even fall-back jobs like appointment setting just aren't here. There's one such job in a neighboring town, and I don't have a car now. I keep thinking I should've gone into IT. But I hate all that stuff. I even hate math. I keep thinking there's no market anymore for my skills, or the things that I love - humanities, people-oriented stuff like psychology (in which I have no training, thanks to the math aversion), philosophy, literature. I know I'm looking at lower-level stuff, but still. It's discouraging. I didn't appreciate how discouraging until I started this fruitless search...
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