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Everything posted by Skylark1

  1. Raining here today. All damn day, according to the forecast. *sigh* Well, I still have to go to Mass & the store...putting it off. Felt heavily, draggily (not a word, but I'm improvising) exhausted when I woke up. Slept 9 1/2 - 10 hours. Think I'm not eating enough carbs since yesterday - ran out of too much, that's why the store. Maybe then I'll feel better.
  2. Won't Drown Light But how to live in it?
  3. I can relate to so much of what you wrote...wish I could give more of a response, but right now, it's one of those mornings where the thoughts are kind of tangling and tripping on each other in my head...can't give a real semblance of an articulate response. I completely relate to the disconnection. It's something I struggle with badly, but I think I'm making headway now. I'm glad you're on this site, reaching out again. I've found it excruciatingly hard to do that after more than a few wipe-outs. I'm really glad you're claiming parts of yourself, too. That's been touch and go for me - there are huge swaths of darkness in my heart where things that used to be important or cherished just lie forgotten in darkness because there's so much pain associated with them from the past. I've tried, recently, to sneak a few things out without opening wounds, but without much success yet. It's still painful to contemplate. Definitely feel past my prime, too, but in my case, like I feel like I never really lived out my prime, either. So if you did, be glad about that. It's like mine was just stolen from me and dashed out of my reach by traumas + childhood bull****. I think my brain disconnects me from feeling the pain most of the time, to protect me and let me function, but it's been crippling the edges of my life, my consciousness, for many years. Sucks a lot out of me. I'm too alone to face it...hoping and trying to change that. Thank you for creating this thread. When I read those lyrics, I thought it was a beautiful poem. Kind of shocked it was by NIN, lol.
  4. Girl91, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're in a place where you can realize these things, though. I truly do believe the truth sets you free. Eventually, at least, but of course it can be quite painful, too, can't it? If it's any consolation to hear it, none of this is your fault. Not your advantages, youth, or beauty, and certainly not your dad loving you. It's terrible that she reacts that way to these things, and to your having it better than she did - I've usually heard parents with rough upbringings say that they want their kids to have it better than they did. Maybe she doesn't realize that she feels that way, maybe it's subconscious, but still. Yeah, like you said, I'm not sure you can "fix" that. Possibly group counseling? But that's her, it's not you. You're not worthless, however you've been made to feel or what you've been told. Internalizing that truth can be very difficult, I know. I quite relate to what you said about romantic relationships. I don't think there's anything missing from us, but rather a kind of internal block. We need to change the way we view ourselves. Have you tried therapy for these things? It really helps me to be able to talk about it, to work through and process these things. That would also help you identify and replace the unhealthy perspectives and beliefs about yourself that your mother instilled subtly or unconsciously - especially the ones you may still not be aware of. There are a couple types of therapy, CBT & DBT, that are supposed to be particularly effective at changing behaviors and thought patterns. Until you can get a therapist's help and guidance, it might help to look up and try some exercises. Also, this is the most wonderfully supportive forum I've come across. Know that you're welcome here. :) You'll probably find a lot of good people to support you in your journey. Best of luck! I'll be praying for you.
  5. I've heard similar things about kratom, Lonelystreet, although I had no idea it's been compared to opium or methadone! Thanks for posting this. Also, I think magnets have been debunked as a kind of therapy. There were court rulings in the 90's against companies claiming magnets were therapeutic and so forth. Affirmations work the same way as mantras without the spiritual aspect. Plus, they reinforce positive messages and stimulate positive feelings as these messages begin to sink in, making us feel healthier all around. Prayer would be an alternative, if you do want the spiritual dimension. It's been shown that repeating comforting words is therapeutic.
  6. I think that's a great idea, and honestly, I think this is extremely alarming on only week 4 of the drug. You might be a particularly sensitive individual or something. But these drugs have been known to cause emotional blunting. I had similar problems with delayed response when I was on AD's (several, including Wellbutrin), but nowhere near that long. I would do some research on psych drug side effects, dangers, etc. See for yourself what the research says, don't just go by what docs tell you because they get kickbacks for "selling" more of these meds, so they tend to push them on people. Not saying yours doesn't care, but most people tend to justify actions to themselves which carry monetary rewards. Even if they have good intentions, it's just human nature. I'm so sorry you're going through this - I'd be really scared, as well as angry that something as intimate as my emotions are being messed with by pills that were supposed to heal, not numb - much less slow my cognitive processes. I'm not saying you feel that way, just saying. I'll keep you in my prayers. I really hope this gets better for you and you get back to being yourself! Have you tried natural remedies like St. John's Wort or therapy? Therapy works well for me, now that I'm sticking with it. CBT and DBT in particular have been known to work wonders for some. There are all kinds of other alternatives out there, and trying them out usually doesn't have any scary side effects. At the least, it can't hurt to give these a go before giving up to rely on potent drugs with all these side effects. I wish I had.
  7. I am so very sorry. I sympathize because I've had horrendous experiences on psych drugs myself. My side effects were different, largely internal, but just as horrific. Especially akathisia...impossible to describe if you haven't experienced it...like "inner torture"....according to the literature, which means they know about this and still prescribe this stuff! >:( I know others believe these drugs can be useful sometimes, but for me and others, the harm far outweighs anything else. And there's no predicting who will have which experience or side effects, as you unfortunately found out yourself. I wish I knew of some specific cure, but like Lauryn, all I can think of is exercise. Have you tried a personal trainer? Or worked with a specialist to individualize some kind of weight loss plan based around this drug's specific effects on your body? Or looked at research on withdrawal? I'm sure you're not the only one who's experienced this side effect - seems fairly common for many AD's, actually. Maybe others know something about losing drug-related weight gain. I'm sure it can be very different from losing weight that you've gained naturally. Just found this page: https://www.drugwatch.com/risperdal/side-effects/ It may be a place to start, anyway. Best of luck to you!
  8. Thought I'd share a quote that I need right now myself: "All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle." - St. Francis of Assisi (the nature/animal saint, incidentally) Think I'll put this in my sig...
  9. Thanks! Feel a bit better after Mass, and getting out a bit. Plus, I got something off my chest that had been bothering me badly since yesterday. The problem isn't solved, but it helped to talk about it. Offered the Mass for it and all of you as well. Have an appt to see a new place Tues. :)
  10. Good news! My landlord said he and his wife are willing to terminate the lease if they can find someone for June 15th. He re-posted the ad. Now I have to add finding a replacement to my list of things to do. At least it'll be a clean break and not a sublet. Should get my deposit back, too. *sigh* I guess things are looking up. Proactive is the way to go. I just have to be patient.
  11. I was wondering if MBTI or other personality typing systems have helped you lot deal with symptoms, or just approach life more constructively. I tried looking into this before, but never really had much time to apply it. I'm still extremely short on time, but I'm thinking of trying it again. Assuming I can accurately determine my type, which has been a challenge. Please post your experiences, thoughts, etc. on this topic. What's worked? What hasn't? Are their good resources you'd recommend? *One reservation I've always had about these theories is the pigeonholing that can result. That's something I hope we can avoid here. Thanks in advance for your input!
  12. Well, alcohol is a depressant, so it makes sense that it wouldn't agree with some of us on here. Plus, it can magnify the effects of drugs in your brain, which can make one feel very strange indeed. I think fatty foods are supposed to be the best remedy for slowing or alleviating alcohol's effects. Hope you feel better!
  13. Turned in another job application. Cooked. :( Tried not to get down again.
  14. Damnable collection agencies waking people up...on a Saturday, too. Oughtta be a law...
  15. They keep this place so cold, even during the day. I was cooking, enjoying the heat, but suddenly there was smoke billowing from the stove. The landlord came out, very annoyed with me for not remembering about the fans and how to turn off the smoke alarm (way above my head, to which I didn't even have time to drag a chair before he showed up), which went off. Like I've been in any state to remember about stuff like that. Sorry, but I never cook. I hardly spend more time in kitchens than it takes to load and unload the microwave, having been in school more or less full time the last 6 years, plus being having so many physical and mental health issues... So I don't know. I'm getting really sick of how uncomfortable the atmosphere is around here. The fact that he was peeved at me, but gets so touchy when I show the least upset about any of the lunacy around here...I know it's partly my PTSD making me walk on eggshells - the fear is greater than the present situation calls for. But still, he acts like a baby. And I'm fed up. I do have an appt to see another place Tuesday. *Praying* And for all of you! Best wishes for the day. It's a gloomy one where I am. :(
  16. Woken up by a collection agency this morning. Ugh. I can't even think about my debt until I get the current crises taken care of and get stable. I have been feeling emotionally more stable, but that took a hit this morning. Got some bad news about a friend, and have been feeling down. :(
  17. 8AM (!) Mass First meeting with soon-to-be advisor Meeting with human services dept lady (Took so much to screw up the courage!) Meeting with program director to ask again to move my admit date up to summer - success! Financial aid office - more success! Good news, anyway. Grad admissions - more good news. Still have to fill out a form online. Made two appts for next week. Ordered my transcripts...praying to God they're complete - I don't have long to register. If I don't sign on for summer classes, it's sayonara to housing, student jobs, and so many other resources I desperately need. I ate enough again. And I still feel like I didn't accomplish enough.
  18. RiverLight, Brian, Mulberrypie, duck, Epictetus, RootTilden (miss her!), Orso, desperado, LonelyHiker, Dolphin, Renee, highanxiety, ejc, budfox (miss him, too), Ratboy, Fizzle, Nopawn, Mikayla, SenorDomino...and so many others! Thanks for making this place the haven that helps so many of us!
  19. Way too damn much. And I still feel guilty for not doing more. >:(
  20. Wondering when I'll get to slow down enough to write again...this was supposed to be my vacation, but I'm working harder than ever! Also wondering why I feel so blank lately. Maybe I don't have time to feel, or know what I feel...
  21. Wow, I'm so sorry you've gone through stuff like that. I hope somehow things can change or you can leave for a better place...
  22. Hi, RJ. Welcome to DF. I'm a female student who just got my BA, and is about to start my MA. I can relate to much of what you wrote. College is a stressful time as it is. Add a traumatic past to that, and, well, life can get very hard at times. Much of what you describe frankly sounds not so uncommon for people with trauma in their past, especially sensitive individuals, as well as just young people in general. I think you assume, like many of us, but erroneously, that most other people are "normal," generally happy and fulfilled, and that the masks they present to the world reflect their real experience. This is not necessarily the case. Yes, intense sadness is worrisome, but you also say it's kicked off by feeling of loneliness and being unloved. Well, these are pretty serious things that affect your life dramatically, as well as your outlook on the future. It does kind of follow logically that feelings of intense sadness would result. Stressful situations trigger my PTSD, and I experience similar things - last year, with a roommate from hell, in fact. Are there stressors which are making you reflect more than usual on loneliness and feeling unloved? Trouble with a boyfriend? Parents? Grades? As someone who did take drugs for it, for a long time, I am strongly opposed to that. They numbed me out horribly, cut me off from my own emotions and distanced me from those I loved - I became a worse friend, not better, because it was hard for me to relate or empathize with others. That was completely alien, not like I'd ever been before, or have been since. At the very least, please do your research before considering that, and make it a last resort. I'm guessing you're still pretty young, and your brain is still developing adding drugs into the mix can be incredibly harmful. They can alter your personality radically, make you forget who you are and act like someone you'd never want to be. They can also cause birth defects, sexual side effects, brain damage, even facial ticks. I know a woman who actually started having seizures on antidepressants. Granted, she was also taking anti-anxiety drugs, but still, it caused permanent brain damage. Really research this stuff before just taking a happy pill - drugs are powerful. Remember that illegal drug is the ancestor of prozac. Google "doctors against antidepressants," and have a good look at some of things you find. Dr. Peter Breggin, Dr. John Glenmullen, and Dr. David Healy are particularly good sources of info on this. So is And They Call it Help by Louise Armstrong. Therapy, on the other hand, I've found extremely beneficial, and this is where I would start. Did you ever "finish" a course of therapy regarding your traumas? Or did you just stop when life circumstances improved? I'm thinking you may not have processed that. It's possible you have PTSD. 1) Your school should have a counseling center. They can either offer therapy or refer you to good places for it. Group therapy may be particularly effective for someone recovering from traumas, as they offer a "safe space" to talk with others who've experienced similar things. Many schools have groups like that. 2) For the anxiety, can you do some breathing exercises? Or muscle relaxation therapy? There are plenty of links and ways to do this if you google these. Depressive feelings are harder, and so is PTSD, which is why I think you need to talk to someone. Can you journal, or do some exercise? Exercise helps a lot to relieve bodily stress and tension, as well as improve mood. 3) First of all, I'd say resist the urge to withdraw from those who care about you. I can say from experience that isolating is a downward spiral straight to hell. Try to explain that your feelings have nothing to do with her, or your feelings about her, to reassure her that you care and value her friendship. That what you're going through now has to do with something else entirely, and you're trying to figure things out and get back to (I hope) your own kind of "normal," and that you want to return to being the friend she knows and loves. Try, in other words, to take your loved ones "with" you on this journey of recovery. It's great that you've decided to take control and turn things around, but they need you to show them how hard this is for you so they won't be hurt, lost, alienated, etc. I know how hard that is, especially the thing about not knowing what to say. Would writing an email help? 4) I've pretty much done this. Didn't mean for this to be that long. I do believe recovery is possible, especially as you've got loved ones right beside you who seem to want to support you through it. But it takes patience and commitment to working through to the root of this rather than reaching for a quick fix or trying to escape into unhealthy behaviors (including isolation, which is really hard for me to resist sometimes). CBT & DBT work wonders for many. I'd look these up, practice some of the exercises they offer, which involve changing your behaviors as well as destructive thought patterns, and then find a counselor who offers this kind of therapy. Best of luck to you. And remember, DF here is always a good source of support and encouragement.
  23. Childhood neglect, abuse, traumas. It's really that simple. These things had a domino effect. Bad circumstances exacerbated things by inflaming PTSD and the like. And drugs made everything so much worse. Things improve as I try, improve when I stop. This is that simple, too. This time, I'm doing my utmost to make sure I don't slip into isolation again, which is always the beginning of a downward spiral. Sometimes, some big trigger or obstacle will throw me into a panic, but usually some kind of cumulative stress has already got me to a greater point of vulnerability when that happens. Getting better, though, especially as I make major life changes like moving, graduating, starting a master's, making better friends, getting the right kind of therapy, etc. Getting connected to people who can really understand my experiences and support me in the overarching issues is huge. Hoping I can focus more on these things, once the crises of financial hardship abate. Social support/interaction is tremendously powerful for me.
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