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Everything posted by Skylark1

  1. Hey, SG, tried to PM you, but couldn't. I just wanted to say thanks for your posts. I was so relieved to see you've studied gender issues a bit, too. So have I, and it's especially hard dealing with this kind of ignorant B.S. on a support forum, knowing what I know from my studies.

    My PTSD is triggered big time, so I might stay away for a bit. The whole subject is making me sick. I can't understand the way some people think -- or rationalize away what they don't want to think of.

    Anyway, just wanted to say thanks. :) It really meant more than I can say, especially coming from a man. I know you're not all bad, though the bad ones would like everyone to think that in our culture, so they can be as bad as they like and make the good ones (and women) feel like sh!t. Kudos for telling it like it is and not backing down.


    1. verDominai


      >for not wanting to generalize a bunch of people as being scum
      >and women who make their own choices as being talentless


      ...I mean, I'm assuming you meant me, Duck and that other guy who didn't like the generalization? Didn't see anyone else taking issue with the generalization. Unless something went right over my head. :P

    2. verDominai


      I think you may have misunderstood, no one was condoning anything shady. As far as I could tell anyway. Breathe and try to relax, I know how awful PTSD attacks can be.

    3. scienceguy


      No i didn,t mean you guys,im not bothered by disagree I mean when that frequent those places and harass women or support there business.

      Skylark I will check for your message you should be able to pm I might have to delete some of the messages in my mail box 

  2. I'm really struggling right now. PTSD is triggered 100% and in overdrive.
  3. scienceguy, thank you so much for posting this -- and for stating the painfully obvious so well. You just made a bad day a lot better. :) Like you said, I think the most disturbing thing, for me, is that these guys can just sit there and gawk knowing so many strippers -- and therefore, likely the ones in front of them -- were raped or molested as little girls. I mean, how sick can you get? And here's some more research: http://www.towardsfreedom.com/253.html Adding to the demands from club owners, strippers are subjected to abuse in both upscale and lower-class nude clubs. The protection that bouncers are said to provide is minimal due to the fact that bouncers are essentially paid by the customers; so the best interest of the stripper is not always in mind. Strippers are propositioned for prostitution often and harassed when they don't do what is demanded of them... When someone commits a crime without getting caught or having consequences, they are more likely to perpetrate again. Individuals who endure physical, verbal, or sexual abuse most commonly feel worthless and used. Once a stripper has been lured into this depreciating means of making a living, many of them turn to alcohol and drugs to escape reality... There is no question as to the importance of entertainment for the human race. As far as history shows, we have never existed without some form of it. It is sadistic when we allow one's idea of entertainment to humiliate and degrade the life of another. Strippers are not just exotically dancing on poles a good distance from others -- as some might say. To keep the acts fresh, club owners have invented many different ways to entice their customers. Lap dances are customary to most nude bars and depending on the bar, the dances are either monitored by a bouncer, or they aren't. Behind the walls of the V.I.P. rooms or even out in open areas, strippers are pressured to do so much more than dance. Some states in the U.S. regulate how many feet away a stripper must be to perform a lap dance, while some don't. This leaves a large window of opportunity for club owners to encourage illegal behavior in order to satisfy the paying customer. Due to the safety issues within the walls of these erotic environments, there is no justification for there existence. While some may argue that it is our human right to be sexually enticed or to be the sexual enticer as a form of enjoyment, there is no place for these acts in the career world. The laws are too negligent, and the effects are too drastic on individuals turning to this career. People that defend the importance of strip clubs are only defending their right to sit back and watch as another human being is degraded." http://m.catholicnewsagency.com/resource.php?n=1078 "Among strippers, eating disorders are rampant. Many of the women starve, vomit, abuse exercise or laxatives to become the unnatural shape that is demanded of them. Plastic surgery is almost invariably required especially artificial breasts to produce unnaturally large breasts. This surgery is considered a necessity despite the evidence that artificial breasts interfere with mammograms, and are implicated in autoimmune deficiency disorders in the women, and digestive disorders in the babies of the women who have had the surgery. Strippers are often substance abusers as well; one study found the number to be 40%. Sometimes this is-because they have to numb themselves to be able to do the work they do. Often the consumption of alcohol is required on the job. Strippers who refuse to drink or who refuse to accept drinks from customers can be fired, coerced or threatened by bosses. Even strippers who have told their superiors that they are alcoholics who attend AA meetings are told that they have to drink on the job. Sometimes customers tip the strippers with illegal drug..." "The job that they do is fraught with dangers and unpleasantry. In one study 100% of the strippers reported some kind of physical or verbal abuse on their jobs. Verbal abuse by customers is extremely common with 91% reporting incidents. They were routinely called degrading names like c--t (52%), w---e (61%), and b---h (85%). Besides the verbal abuse...some type of physical abuse on the job. Despite the fact that it is illegal to touch a stripper, strippers reported that customers grabbed them by the arm (88%), grabbed their breast (73%), or their buttock (91%). Customers at strip clubs often assault the women. Customers pulled their hair (27%), pinched them (58%), slapped them (24%), or bite them (36%). They are often attacked in the strip club in front of bodyguards and other audience members. If they would do this to women in public, what would they do to women in private? Strippers are often raped. Strippers have reported that they have been followed home (70%) and have been stalked (42%)..." "Damage to the society in general which comes from the sex industry The level of sexual violence in the society is at epidemic proportions. We are experiencing a sexual holocaust. One in 8 women are raped, 50% of females will be sexually harassed on their jobs. By the time a female in this country is 18 years old, 38% have been sexually molested. We are the most sexually violent nation on earth. Studies have shown a connection with rape both stranger rape and acquaintance rape. When normal college mates are shown pornography, 50-65% of them then say they would be willing to rape a women if they thought they wouldn't get caught. Those who have committed acquaintance rape are more likely to be frequent readers of sex magazines like Playboy and Hustler. The more sex magazines sold within a state the higher the rape rate. Studies have found significant changes in beliefs when subjects have been shown pornography. They come to believe that unusual sex behavior even psychiatrically disordered behavior is more common than they thought it was before. This includes behaviors such as having sex with animals and mixing sex with violence. They come to find damaging behavior as more acceptable such as showing pornography to children. They become less negative in their attitudes toward rape and believe that rapists should receive lighter sentences. They have a 50% reduction in their belief that women should be liberated. In one study done in Pennsylvania, Chiefs of Police were polled about the impact of strip clubs on their communities. A majority of police chiefs believed that strip clubs cause crime, that the community does not want them and that the quality of life would be better if they were illegal. In fact, when Oklahoma City closed down 150 porn shops, they had a 26% reduction in rapes. In the last 12 years I have specialized in the treatment of sexual violence victims and perpetrators. I have not treated one case of sexual violence that did not include pornography. In every case of sibling incest that I have treated, the pornography involved has been sex magazines most often Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler. Erotica USA wants to continue the cycle of violence and damage. They depend on our silence to continue to make money by hurting people. All of us need to stand up and tell them that they will never have the comfort of our silence again." http://www.victoriasfriends.com/statistics "89% of women in the sex industry said they wanted to escape, but had no other means for survival. Strippers are often substance abusers: one study found the number to be around 40%. Women who work in the sex industry have only a 25% chance of making a marriage last for at least three years."
  4. Contemptuous, too, now. Grateful for my faith in a God who is Love and comforts the oppressed, while the last end of the malicious and uncaring is hell.
  5. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish I had wise words to offer, but the truth is, I've never found any way out of inertial slumps like that except by just forcing myself to get up out of them. To do exactly what I feel like not doing, and don't have the energy to do. Unfortunately, the lethargy that comes from inactivity just can't be done away with any other way. It's sad, but in my experience, "taking time out" to try to get your psychological state in order is just the worst mistake. It's only ever led to a downward spiral for me. I'm glad you have a supportive spouse. Trust me, that's huge, and probably will be tremendously powerful in your recovery. Other than exercise, I'd recommend therapy. Try to get to the root of all this.
  6. Kudos for having the courage to post this! These days, it seems like you're more likely to get attacked for standing up for what's right -- and for common sense -- than for voicing/advocating offensive, degrading, insupportable crap. Also, studies have shown that violence against women (in general) has gone up in places where prostitution has been legalized. They also seem less likely to prosecute for violence against women in such places. It's not that hard to connect these dots. Of course stuff like that is going to increase the more objectification of women becomes accepted -- just like crimes against children inevitably increase in places where child porn is legal or where it's legally easier to get away with that ****. Just common sense. Even a small step in the wrong direction is still a step closer to the final destination -- and it won't end with one step for everyone who's allowed to go in that direction. For some, yes. But not for all -- the farther they're allowed to go, the farther they'll push. If I seem to get worked up over this stuff, it's because I've seen too much research not to.
  7. Skylark1

    Slammed Door

    @samdiva, I'm so sorry! This sounds so cold and uncaring! I don't know if it's abuse, but it's certainly not love. I would not stay -- especially not as "something negative in this person's life." If that's how he/she sees you, I say move on. They don't seem to care about you at all. Take care of yourself, since they won't. Wishing you the best.
  8. Pretty productive today. I did laundry, cut my hair again (was kind of a botch job the last time, not that anyone else seemed to notice), and emailed another dept about another job. But they have nothing for just summer - they're only hiring students who've been there all year. :( Need to apply to more, of course... Kind of have the day "off," as I've nothing planned but Mass this evening, after which I might have to stop at the store again. If so, I'll only get two absolute necessities this time. Hate spending money right now! Argh, can't wait til this summer ends! Feel OK, but kind of blah. Broken sleep, too much sugar again. 3 appts tomorrow.
  9. Oh, wow, I didn't pick up that this never even happened... Planning all that out...yeah, over the top. Sounds like you two can't agree on boundaries in the first place, and he can't see that his are unreasonable. There's always some compromise in relationships, of course, but unreasonable is unreasonable. Hope things improve with the joint therapist appt!
  10. Walked to a couple more appts and back. Got great news. Felt good to get out and get some exercise, too. Did my hair again. I always feel much better when I look nice. I forgot that for a while there, but I need to remember it in future. Resolved some of the tension with the landlords, and hopefully things should be all right until I can leave in 3 weeks. Keep it amicable. Much better than getting so worked up, living in tense, fearful misery, and fleeing. I should get my deposit back, too. We haven't discussed that, but I don't see any reason they could refuse it now. I even contacted a few people who are looking for a room, and hopefully something will come of that. Plus, I got them to re-post their ad so more people see it. Feel pretty well now. On track. :)
  11. So relieved. The landlord has decidedly to try to handle things maturely, and is offering constructive suggestions. I feel things have been defused, so I now feel comfortable going out there and handling things that I've been putting off - like the laundry! (tomorrow) and dishes (today). Plus, I told him the ad isn't "visible" on Craigslist (I just said it was probably getting buried because so many people have been posting recently), so he said he'll re-post it today. YAY!!! *big sigh of relief* I also told him I found a place and am just trying to get the dates squared away, so hopefully he'll move on it now, since I'm definitely moving out.
  12. Loaves and fishes. :) With some margarine, and unsweetened applesauce. Surprisingly good.
  13. Agreed, but it seems like the "cure" for one obstacle just creates another, making things ultimately worse rather than better. Are there other things you could do to manage your anxiety that would allow you to work? Because at this point, it just seems like you'll get worse overall in 4 weeks of this. Or however long it ends up taking if you wait to test out the effects of adding another drug into the mix. Have you tried CBT or anything like that? Praying for you.
  14. Feeling better - the woman in human services had fantastic news for me this morning! There's a way to get campus housing for only a $50 deposit! I'll be billed at the end of the month - which would be mid-July - for the rent. And so on for subsequent months. This is all if I have a student job, but she can get me one in her office!!! I can get other student jobs to supplement this, since it wouldn't be much, but it's enough to get me into campus housing - and out of this awful living situation. So it looks like, with my savings, I'll be OK till at least mid-August, by which time I should've earned plenty enough to see me through until the academic year starts and my fellowship and financial aid come in. Just left feeling so much better. Now I just have to deal with the scary issue of physically leaving in 3 weeks. My PTSD is totally inflamed over this situation, and the thought of any confrontation...even over email, because they might receive it in a way that creates a hostile environment. I told her about this, and she said technically I don't even have to email them. I can just leave, and go through the legal stuff later. I am worried about that, but I'm trying to let it go. She talked me down from a frightful height on a sort of Jenga tower of worries. This woman is great! She's been such a tremendous help, a godsend. I'll be praying for her the rest of my life, lol. So now my primary objective is to find a campus job ASAP while she works things out for me to start one in her office as well. And then - counseling!
  15. Feeling a little better. But I'm thirsty and a little hungry, and I've been avoiding the landlords. I've been on craigslist all day, and I haven't been able to find the ad he said he'd put back up. I don't know what to think, and I don't feel in any state to deal with it. Ugh. These people are ridiculous. I need to talk to the human services people and see what I can do to just get out of here. Though I need my deposit back, I can't live like this. And I need to get water and some food so I can go to bed - *&*% it. I can't hide like this - it's stressful, but I'll go. It's my PTSD blowing it out of proportion. I know this isn't the past, and I know they're no physical danger to me. Prayers and blessings to all of you suffering tonight.
  16. I can relate so well to this. Yes, biological family is not always - I suspect not often - the glorified, sacred thing too many people make it out to be, out of wishful thinking, guilt, or nonsense bordering on superstition and probably caused by past realities that themselves belie the nonsense. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. The fairy tales are just that, and those of us who've seen Oz for the paltry little bugger he really is don't need to keep pretending just because others continue to be in awe. Some of them may be well-intentioned, but that doesn't make them any less wrong. This is a sacred cow, nothing more. Love makes family worth a damn, and it's lacking far more often than most people will admit, in my experience. You know that phrase "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"? Well, I say when society presents you a sacred cow for idol worship, make yourself a good burger and be on your merry way.
  17. Ate too much sugar. Need to try to work it off. Brain feels awful - I'm technically not supposed to have sugar...
  18. Welcome to DF. This is the most supportive forum I've ever found. I hope you have the same experience and find some of what you need here. Why do you hate yourself? I've found that this stuff usually has some kind of root in one's background, false beliefs, etc. Even - sometimes especially - with people who say they had a "normal" childhood. I know it does for me - traumas started it all, especially one following hard upon the heels of another. Most of them in the context of a sh!tty childhood. It's not always that dramatic, but I've found there's usually some reason, however subtle and unrecognized by one's conscious mind. You say you're a humanitarian; so am I. I don't hate myself, though. It's complicated, but basically, I'm depressed because there's so much rotten that I can't change (immediately, in my own life, as well as in the wide world which affects me and those I care about directly), and I absolutely refuse to stop caring or to care any less. Though I've tried because I'm human. But it never works, anyway. And I passionately believe it's not worth the trade-off. What do you believe about yourself that makes you hate yourself? And why do you believe it? Do you tend to blame yourself even when you're wronged? If someone else is wronged in the same way, would you blame them, too? Not that you have to tell any of that to strangers on the internet, but I hope you'll work on it with your therapist. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.
  19. I had the same kind of self-doubt and guilt instilled in me...I hate it so much. It drives me nuts because I've really achieved a great deal, and others around me are in awe of it, especially at my hesitation to recognize it appropriately. Not giving oneself proper credit also makes you vulnerable to getting taken advantage of, in my experience. I really believe this kind of insidious undercutting in childhood to be so incalculably toxic... /rant. Thanks for the link! I'll check that out myself. I've mostly done talk therapy so far, too, but my last counselor recommended CBT as a way to get past particularly stubborn bad habits. Art therapy has always interested me, but I've never really tried it. I did try some exercises in Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way and The Vein of Gold, which I used in conjunction with therapy to get past internal blocks. Getting to the root of things first is key for me, but sometimes it helps to have that pragmatic dimension to change our behavior.
  20. It's good you're being firm about the boundaries, River! Whether he is abusive, I don't know. I hope not. I can really only understand the thing about him not wanting you to have dinner alone with your ex. But he really is over the top with the jealousy and he sounds possessive, like he expects your world to revolve around him. The accusation after not returning his texts right away seem particularly unreasonable. It's only natural for you to push back against unreasonable stuff like this, controlling behavior. I do think his issues are more out of control than yours. Hope you two can work things out. Take care of yourself!
  21. Oh, sh!t. I've been doing better, though I had to slog home through the rain with groceries after Mass. But apparently the $12 I spent on a few indispensable necessities was enough to require my overdraft to kick in. Thankfully they charge interest instead of a fee, but still - this means I won't have enough to cover my phone bill, which means I won't have phone coverage by Friday. ****!!! I thought I still had a good $50-60 in that account! This kind of brings home to me how badly I've been doing, not just externally, but how out of it I've been. Floating along without looking down at the depths falling away beneath this tightrope. I think it's a psychological protective mechanism - to keep me going forward without getting overwhelmed by my situation. Acchh. This means I'll have to cut into the savings I had which was supposed to pay for my move...most places require a deposit + rent, and I don't know yet how much either will be. The place I'm looking at Tues. doesn't require a deposit, though...hope, hope. Prayers and hugs for everyone struggling now! I could use some myself, too.
  22. Argh...I think the landlady just got back from her travels. She's even worse than her husband. I feel weirdly sensitive lately, like I just want to withdraw and hide from things. Less so from doing stuff, but from unpleasant or draining interactions. Not good, either way. Will fight it.
  23. Weird dreams - I was driving, found a woman lying on the road near a corner, unconscious. Yellow dress, dark hair, no one I know. Somehow - I could never do this IRL - I got her in my car and over to the gas station. Don't remember much, but there were suspicions of alien activity, and the lady cashier didn't want to turn her over to the guys (workers and doctors, I think), and at one point, I had to fight - hard (not physically, battle of wills) - to save the unconscious woman. Everyone was trying to convince me to abandon her - to what, I don't remember - and I just couldn't. From "experiments"...? Weird ****. No idea where the alien stuff came from, but it makes me want to watch a movie. Don't know which one. I feel weird...I expect I sound it, too.
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